


ONE MORE CHANCE (ALL CHAPTERS/COMPLETED)

by soonhaee



Series: ONE MORE CHANCE [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band), SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:22:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 81
Words: 123,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26405701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonhaee/pseuds/soonhaee
Summary: After years of living in America, Jihoon is finally coming home. But despite the excitement of finally seeing his family and friends again, there was that lingering fear of facing long forgotten promises and opening old wounds. He left with his heart full and made promises with the intention of keeping them, but the distance has given way to doubts and fears that led to his decision to let go of his old life and the people he left behind. He was scared because despite everything else he still feels the same love and longing for the person he hurt the most when he left. He still feels the guilt of cutting ties without warning with Soonyoung, the person he promised to talk to everyday, to miss everyday, and to love everyday despite the distance.(Side stories: Jeongcheol and Meanie)
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Lee Seokmin | DK, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, kim seokwoo / rowoon & kwon soonyoung /hoshi
Series: ONE MORE CHANCE [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022209
Comments: 100
Kudos: 163





	1. Characters

**Author's Note:**

> -Originally posted in twitter.  
> -Will post TWs on every chapter

CHARACTERS:

  * Used to be one of the top students major in Dance
  * Got a scholarship in Japan but opted to remain for personal reasons
  * He dropped out of college because of a series of unfortunate events
  * Currently owns a Dance studio and one of the most in demand choreographers in the business



  * spent 5 years in America to studyBachelor Of Music Major in Composition in Boston Conservatory in Berklee
  * Used to be one of Soonyoung’s closest friend till they became more than that a few months before Jihoon left



  * Works as an assistant producer at Pledis Entertainment
  * Currently taking up his Masters in Music Production
  * In a long term relationship with Jeonghan



  * Works as a model
  * Signed under Elite Model Agency
  * In a long term relationship with Seungcheol



  * Currently in medical school
  * Jeonghan’s best friend
  * Used to date Seokmin, but mutually decided to take a break to let Joshua focus on his studies



  * Co-owner of Hurricane Dance Studio
  * Teaches traditional chinese dance
  * His rumored to be the heir of a multi billion business in China, but he prefers teaching dance



  * Soonyoung’s best friend
  * They know each other since they were 4 years old
  * One of the few people that Soonyoung trusts and listens to
  * Used to be in love with Soonyoung but never really admitted it
  * Decided that their friendship was just too precious to risk, especially when he knows that Soonyoung doesn’t feel the same way
  * Currently in law school



  * Currently a college student majoring in Business Administration and Accountancy
  * In relationship with Wonwoo
  * Works as a part time model and signed under Elite Model Agency
  * Also works as a part time accountant at Hurricane Studio



  * Third year college
  * Bachelor of Creative and Performing Musical Art Major in voice and minor in theater arts



  * College Student majoring inPerformance Art with focus on Ballet and Contemporary Dance
  * Works part time at Hurricane Dance Studio teaching Ballet and Contemporary Dance to kids



  * Third year college 
  * Bachelor of Creative and Performing Musical Arts Majoring in Voice and minor in composition
  * Vernon’s best friend and housemate



  * Fine Arts student
  * Seungkwan’s best friend



  * Freshman
  * Bachelor in Performing Arts Major in Dance
  * Works as a manager at Hurricane Studio
  * Currently a trainee at Pledis Entertainment




	2. Characters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

**Jihoon's Instagram Account**

Jihoon fidgets nervously while he looks around the deserted airport. He finally arrived after a 13 hour flight from America. He looked around hoping to see the familiar face of his family, but to his disappointment no one was there to fetch him.

He opened his phone and found a new message from his father.

Jihoon could only sigh. He wasn’t expecting a party, but a simple dinner would have been nice since they haven’t seen each other for a long time. He hailed a cab and quietly travelled to his new apartment. 

Looking at the scenery, everything came rushing back. Long forgotten memories of late night walks, smiles brighter than the sun, promises of forevers, warm hugs, everything was coming back.  
  
He couldn’t stop his tears from falling, tears that he kept hidden for years. Tears that kept falling despite all his efforts to stop. Everything was too much. There was too much regret mixed with fear. For the first time in years, Jihoon allowed himself to feel, everything that he had been repressing.

Looking back, he couldn’t understand why he made that decision back then. He couldn’t understand how he had the strength to disappear from Soonyoung’s and his friends life without giving any explanation. He did not even say goodbye.  
  
He asked himself why he allowed himself to succumbed to fear. His fear that Soonyoung would always put him first, and give up a lot of things for him. Fear that he’d hate him for it. Fear that Soonyoung would forget him, would get tired of waiting for him, would break the promises that he made. But in the end it was him who did all the things that he feared. He was afraid of getting hurt, that he chose to hurt the person he promised to love.

  
“Are you okay sir?” the cab driver asked.

Jihoon just smiled and paid for the fare. He himself was not sure if he was okay or not. In the States, there were a lot of things to do, projects to finish, and requirements to submit that he barely has time to think.  
  
He focused all of his energy to finishing school. But thoughts of Soonyoung was always there, in creeps into his work, his thoughts, and his songs, unconsciously.  
Now that there was too much time on his hands, these thoughts were creeping in beyond his unconscious.

He went inside his new home knowing that silence and solitude were the only company he can count on.

Sitting alone in his empty apartment made him think of the things he left behind. He missed his friends. There used to be thirteen of them. They gravitated towards each other during high school, and evetually in college. He was close to each one of them.They were there during his happiest and loneliest moments. They were there more than his own family.

He took his phone and before he can overthink it texted his bestfriend Seungcheol.

  
Seungcheol left him on read. He guessed he really did lost everything and he has no one to blame but himself.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	3. Seungcheol’s Dilemma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SEUNGCHEOL**

Seungcheol just got off from work and was about to start his car when he heard his phone buzz informing him of a new message. He was shocked when he read the sender. He decided to get home first before doing anything. He knew his boyfriend, Jeonghan would want to know about it first.

**Jeonghan to Seungcheol**

(Note: Read from left to right)

**Seungcheol to Jihoon**

Seungcheol left Jihoon on read. Talking to the boy brought back the disappointment and even anger that he felt when Jihoon just disappeared on them without a warning. He was supposed to be his bestfriend. It hurt Seungcheol that for Jihoon it meant nothing.

**Seungcheol / GC w/o Soonyoung**

**Mingyu’s Twitter Post**

**Mingyu to Wonwoo**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	4. A Walk Down Memory Lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

Jihoon thought he might as well unpack before he gets too lazy. He kept glancing at his phone, hoping that Seungcheol would reply. He wanted to send a message to Soonyoung, but he was too scared. He finished his chores and Scoups still haven’t replied to him. He took his phone and decided to look at his archive photos in his instagram account. These were photos he decided to remove and photos reminding him of moments that he should forget. But he didn’t have the courage to erase them. For five years, he has been stuck in the middle of holding on and letting go.

**Jihoon’s Archive Posts**

**Jihoon’s Present Post**

********

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	5. Late Night Messages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JEONGHAN**

Jeonghan was watching tv with Seungcheol’s arm draped around him when he received a message. He noticed that it was from Seungkwan. Jeonghan usually ignores notifications from his phone when his with Seungcheol. He reasons that quality time is only quality time if spent without any distractions. But given the time, it must be important for the younger boy the messaged him so late. He gave Seungcheol a peck on the cheek and picked up his phone.

“Babe, we’re about to sleep, whatever it is it can wait till tomorrow.” Seungcheol said.

“I think this is important. Kwanie doesn’t really message me at this time of night.” 

**Jeonghan’s Phone**

“What was that about?” Seungcheol asked.

“Oh nothing, Kwanie’s just worried over his monthly evalutation. He needs to present a song and choreography. I told him to ask Vernon.”  
  
“Yeah, Vernon can definitely help him.” Seungcheol knew that Jeonghan was lying but he let it slide. He knows Jeonghan will tell him eventually once he’s ready.  
  
Seungcheol’s phone receives a notification. When he checked, it was Wonwoo.

  
“Better reply Babes. I think the earlier you talk about it, the better.”

  
“I know babes.”

**Seungcheol’s Phone**

**Seungcheol’s Twitter Post**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	6. It’s too Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

** JIHOON **

Jihoon woke up late. The first thing he did was check his messages, hoping for a reply from Seungcheol. 

** Jihoon's Message to Seungcheol **

** **

He was still left on read. He was not expecting everything to be easy, but it doesn’t stop the hurt from being left on read. 

He still has a month before officially starting as the creative director and executive producer at Pledis Entertainment. Before that month is up he wanted to make up with the others. He didn’t know when he made up his mind to reach out and repair their damaged relationship, but now that he did, he was feeling a lot better. 

**Jihoon's Twitter Post**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	7. Soonyoung’s Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Soonyoung's Fansite Twitter Post**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung made himself comfortable in his first class seat. He was on his way home after spending 3 weeks in Japan teaching his choreography to a new idol group that’s about to debut. He didn’t really like being away from home too much but the company gave him his first ever break. They trusted him with the choreography of their very first idol group even if he had no college background and previous experience. Luckily, it all worked out for the best. It opened doors for him and soon he was booked by different companies from different countries for choreographies. With a stable income flow, he was able to put up Hurricane Studios with one of his bestfriends.He was living a happy life at the moment despite several hitches along the way.

He browsed thru his instagram and twitter feed and found the usual bickering of his friends. He missed them these past three weeks.

**Soonyoung’s Story **

****

**Soongyoung’s Instagram Post **

Soonyoung made himself comfortable in his first class seat. He was on his way home after spending 3 weeks in Japan teaching his choreography to a new idol group that’s about to debut.

He didn’t really like being away from home too much but the company gave him his first ever break. They trusted him with the choreography of their very first idol group even if he had no college background and previous experience.  
  
Luckily, it all worked out for the best. It opened doors for him and soon he was booked by different companies from different countries for choreographies. With a stable income flow, he was able to put up Hurricane Studios with one of his bestfriends.  
  
He was living a happy life at the moment despite several hitches along the way.  
He browsed thru his instagram and twitter feed and found the usual bickering of his friends. He missed them these past three weeks.

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

💬 **Soonyoung to Wonwoo**

****

****

**  
**Wonwoo’s protectiveness is nothing new to Soonyoung. He knows his bestfriend means well, but sometimes he worries over the little things. He also can’t help but worry if Wonwoo spends too much of his time taking care of him.  
  
They share the same apartment and most of the time it’s Wonwoo who takes care of everything. He feels guilty that maybe the reason why Wonwoo and Mingyu haven’t moved in together was because of him.

**Soonyoung / Mingyu**

****

Mingyu’s words warmed him. He can’t believe how lucky he is with his friends by his side. He wouldn’t have made it this far without them. After everything he went through, he knew that he only made it in one piece because of his friends, especially Wonwoo and Mingyu.

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

****

Soonyoung turned off his phone and decided to take a nap. He still has 3 more hours before the plane lands. He knows when he lands that it’s going to be hectic again. He needed to prepare for his regular classes in the studio which Chan has been covering for him.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	8. Reconciliation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

Jihoon decided to start with his list of chores. He needed to make a grocery run, sign up for gym membership, check out local stores near his apartment, buy kitchen stuff and buy additional furnitures.  
  
His first order of business was to look for a coffee shop that’s near his apartment, where he can drop by before heading off to work. His apartment is located in an upscale neighborhood but surrounded by different establishments.  
  
He found a modern looking coffee shop. It wasn’t as busy as he expected. The place actually felt cozy with several people lounging around, while some students were studying.

  
He ordered his americano and cake. He was served by a tall and good looking barista. 

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

He was about to look for a vacant seat when he saw a familiar picture. On the couch by the window were a couple who used to be his bestfriends, Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Both were lazing around , having a private conversation, and enjoying their morning coffee.  
  
Jeonghan still looks ethereal, while Seungcheol stayed the same. Jihoon felt happy seeing that even after years of being together both were still very much in love. It was evident with the way they looked at each other, how Jeonghan moves when Seungcheol moves.  
  
He was hesitating whether to approach the couple or leave quietly when his eyes met Jeonghan’s. Seungcheol hesitated for a second before he waved at Jihoon. He went to the couple to say hello, feeling anxious with the unplanned meeting.  
  
“Hi!” Jihoon whispered and stood just right before the table with his tray of coffee and cake.

“Hey Ji! Coffee run?” Seungcheol asked him, while Jeonghan looked somewhere else. “Do you want to join us?” Seungcheol asked again when he noticed Jihoon’s tray.  
  
Jihoon looked at Jeonghan whose attention was elsewhere.

  
“Uhmm. No it’s okay, I don’t wanna impose.” Jihoon supplied. Before he can continue though Jeonghan interrupted him.

  
“Running away again?” Jeonghan said pointedly without looking at Jihoon.

“Babe..” Seungcheol tried to intervene.

  
“Uhmm.. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to disturb you guys more than I already have. I meant no offense.” Jihoon said.  
Seungcheol noticed that Jihoon was still holding his tray and decided to take the tray and place it on their table.  
  
Jihoon hesitated before finally taking a seat opposite the couple.

  
“At least now you give is silly excuses before leaving. That would have been helpful years ago.” Jeonghan continued.

  
Jihoon hesitated before finally taking a seat opposite the couple.

  
“At least now you give is silly excuses before leaving. That would have been helpful years ago.” Jeonghan continued.  
  
“Babe, please. I don’t think this is the time and place to..” Seungcheol tried to intervene but stopped when he saw Jeonghan’s expression.

“Tell me then, when would be the right time and place?” Jeonghan asked Seungcheol who smiled at Jihoon awkwardly.

“I’m sorry. You’re right Jeonhan-ssi..”

  
“Jeonghan-ssi?!” Jeonghan interrupted Jihoon and flicked his forehead.

  
“Babes, please calm down.” Seuncheol pleaded at his boyfriend who was glaring at Jihoon. Jihoon cowered under the icy stares of Jeonghan.  
  
  
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to assume that I can still call you Hyung. I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t mean to offend you.” Jihoon whispered still afraid to look at Jeonghan in the eyes.  
  
“Let me give this to you straight, I don’t stop friendships nor being a Hyung just because I’m angry. I’m not like you. I value my friends. I don’t cut ties as easily as you do. I’m mad at you but that doesn’t mean I stopped being a Hyung or a friend!” Jeonghan said  
  
When Jihoon looked at Jeonghan, the latter was already tearing up. It was right then that he realized the gravity of what he did. It was also there that he realized that it wasn’t just Soonyoung that he abandoned, but also Jeonghan and Seungcheol.

  
“Hyung..”

“Babes..”

Both Jihoon and Seungcheol said at the same time. Jihoon was close to tears. His heart clenched more when he saw Jeonghan wiping his tears. Seungcheol saw that and angrily looked at Jihoon while tring to comfort Jeonghan.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t want to give excuses for my actions. I’m really really sorry. I was a coward and an idiot. For the past years, I drowned myself in university. I tried to convince myself that I made the right decision. I tried to convince my heart that it was for my dreams, when I knew deep down that I was just chicken shit. I’m sorry, hyung.” Jihoon said. He didn’t notice that he was also crying.  
  


“I’m not gonna forgive you that easily Jihoon. You broke my heart and frankly, after everything that happened. Anyways, you owe me a thousand apologies and a promise that you’ll spend the year making it up to me.” Jeonghan said with a smile that made Jihoon’s heart clenched with guilt. Despite everything, his Angel hyung was still as kind and caring as he was before. Jihoon was the one at fault and hurt his hyung but Jeonghan set aside his pain to assure Jihoon that he can be forgiven.  
  
“Hyung..” Jihoon held Jeonghan’s hand.

“That means you can’t miss any birthdays, drinking session, movie nights, game nights, and other activities that you used to hate. When I invite you.. you don’t ask why, you just go, understood?” Jeonghan continued.  
  
“Hyung..” Jihoon knows he wasn’t completely forgiven yet but it’s a start. He promised himself that he’ll do anything to regain his friends trust again, but most specially to ease their pain.

“Hyung, I know my promises right now bears no weight but I promise you I’ll do everything to regain your friendship again. You guys are very important to me. It may not seem as it is, but you are.” Jihoon continued.  
  
“Okay, now come here and give me a hug.” Both boys went and hugged each other tightly, while crying.

  
“Aigoo.” Seungcheol couldn’t help but laugh at the scene before him. He looked at his boyfriend in awe. Jeonghan really does have the biggest heart.  
  
“You know that you still need to make up with the guys, right?” Jeonghan said.

  
“I’m sorry Hyung. I have nothing to say but I’m so sorry. I was stupid. I was a coward. I’m sorry. I know they hate me, I’ll also try my best to patch things up with them.” Jihoon said.  
  
“So now that’s settled, why don’t you tell us what really happened and why?” Seungcheol asked.

  
But before Jihoon could answer, he was startled by a voice and laughter he longed for years to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	9. Home Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

“Something sweet please.” The owner of the voice said, his cheeks bunched up when he smiled.

  
“Soonie..” Jihoon whispered to himself. Soonyoung never changed. He still looked as beautiful as the day Jihoon first met him.  
  
He was in a grey sweatshirt, jeans, and red cap. Jihoon used every bit of his energy to keep himself from just embracing Soonyoung. He missed him, so much it hurts. He didn’t realize that tears were falling down his face as he watch Soonyoung talk to the barista.

  
When Soonyoung looked their way, their eyes meet and everything stopped. Soonyoung still made Jihoon’s heart stop and beat faster at the same time. It wasn’t a good combination. He felt like the world has stop rotating.

Soonyoung smiled when he saw Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Jihoon missed those smiles so much. It made him question everything that happened in the last years. He asked himself how he survived those years without those smiles.  
  
“Hanie Hyung! Scoups!” Soonyoung excitedly made his way to them. Soonyoung fist bumped Seungcheol and gave Jeonghan a tight hug.

  
“I missed you Hanie Hyung.” Soonyoung said.

  
“You missed me but didn’t even tell me that you’re here already.” Jeonghan joked.  
  
“I’m sorry. Mingyu picked me up last night and I fell asleep in the car. I guess I was more tired than I anticipated.”

  
“Aigoo, it’s not a crime to rest Soonie.” Jeonghan said as he ruffled Soonyoung’s hair. He adoringly looked at the younger one.

  
“Yah! You only have eyes for Hanie, Kwon Soonyoung. Tsk.” Seungcheol jokingly interceded.

  
“I missed you too scoups! hahaha.” Soonyoung also gave Seuncheol a hug. Seungcheol jokingly gave Soonyoung a kissed on the cheeks.

  
“Hyung! I’m not a kid!” Soonyoung jokingly complained.  
  
It was only then that Soonyoung noticed Jihoon frozen by the table. The boy was fidgeting with his coffee. His cheeks were tear stained and eyes a bit red.

  
“I’m sorry, am I interrupting something?” Soonyoung worriedly asked.  
  
“No!” Jihoon shouted. “I mean no. Actually, I just saw them and I was the one who.. I’m sorry. Hello. Sorry..”

  
“Dude, no harm done. Chill.” Soonyoung smiled at him but before he could answer a tall and handsome barista interrupted him.  
  
“Here’s your order Soonyoung-ssi.”  
The barista emphasized the ssi and smiled.

“I made it just the way you like it. My number’s there as well. Text me.”

Soonyoung laughed. Jihoon guessed it was a private joke.  
  
The barista smiled and winked at Soonyoung before going back to his station. Soonyoung continued laughing at the barista’s antics and kept his eyes on him.

  
“Yah! Hoshi, he’s going to melt.” Seungcheol laughed, while Soonyoung just sheepishly grinned at him.

  
“Anyways, I have to run. I have a meeting with Bumzu Hyung about a new track.” Soonyoung said.

  
“Let me go with you then, I’m supposed to be in that meeting. Will you alright here babes?” Seungcheol asked Jeonghan.

  
Jeonghan just rolled his eyes at Seungcheol and gave him a peck on the lips that eventually turned into a full out kiss.

  
“Yah! Get a room! Let’s go I can’t afford to be late.” Soonyoung tried to grab Seungcheol by his shirt but the latter escaped.  
  
Soonyoung watched the couple say their good byes with a fond look.

  
Seuncheol and Soonyoung were about to leave when the latter suddenly stopped and addressed Jihoon which startled the boy.  
  
Soonyoung looked like he was thinking hard and trying to remember something.

  
“Oh, I’m sorry Jihoon for interrupting your morning. By the way, welcome home Ji! See you around!” He gave Jihoon a little wave and smiled.

  
Jihoon looked at the smiling face of Kwon Soonyoung. He thought it was impossible for Soonyoung to smile at him again, but there he was smiling at him and everything in the world felt right again.

Soongyoung also stopped by the bar again, said good bye to the handsome barista. The barista gave Soonyoung a bottle of water before he left with Seungcheol.  
  
Jeonghan noticed Jihoon’s blush.

  
“Jihoon-ah, I know you’re trying to patch things with us but please leave Soonyounf out of it. I rather that you limit your interaction with him to as little as possible.”  
  
“Hyung.. uhh why? I don’t think I can just let things be. He’s the person that I hurt the most, I know that. I can’t just go on knowing that I haven’t even apologize to the person who matters the most to me. He was one of my bestfriend.” Jihoon answered.  
  
“Just your bestfriend? Is that all you’re after, friendship?” Jeonghan raised his eyebrow. He feels protective of Soongyoung and despite what he said to Jihoon about patching up their friendship he rather that Soonyoung is left out of it.  
  
“Looking at your reaction, I can see that there’s still a lot of confusion. Things changed. There are things that are better left in the past. That includes yours and Soonyoung’s friendship. I hope you think about it a before you try to do anything.” Jeonghan said.  
  
“I thought about it-“

  
“No, I’m telling you to think about it again. Because the last time you told me you thought about it, things didn’t end well did it? At the end of the day, you still backed out of that decision.” Jeonghan interrupted him.

**FLASHBACK**

  
_Jihoon was excited when he received the news. He got the scholarship. Finally, everything was falling into place. It’s Berklee College of Music. It’s a prestigous university. He and Soonyoung are together, and his dreams are within reach._

  
_“So, are you going?” Jeonghan asked._

  
_“Of course hyung! This is a huge deal. There is no other option but to go.”_

_“There’s always a choice. I know it’s your dream but what about Soonyoung?”_

_“What about Soonyoung?”_   
  
_“Jihoon-ah, you just started dating. What’s gonna happen to your relationship if you leave?” Jeonghan was worried. He knew how difficult long distance relationships. He also knew what Soonyoung has given up to be with Jihoon. Wonwoo told him._   
  
_“He’ll understand. I know he will. Besides, we can always call each other and stuff. I can visit or he can visit me.” Jihoon was confident that they can do it._

  
_“But Jihoon, you’re not just leaving for another town. It’s a whole lot different country.”_   
  
_“I’m not giving up on him, Hyung. I can’t. But I also can’t let go of this opportunity.”_

  
_“How sure are you that you won’t hurt each other in the long run?” Jeonghan asked him._

  
_“I don’t know. But I’m willing to take the risk. I’m not letting him go.”_   
  
_“Think about it Jihoon.” Jeonghan insisted._

_“I don’t need to think about it. I know what I want. I love him. I can’t let him go.”_

  
_“At least talk to him before you make your decision. You can do that right?” Jeonghan asked._

  
_“I will.” Jihoon replied._

**End of Flashback**

  
  
“Hyung, I know. I promise to think about it.” Jihoon promised. He promised himself he won’t make the same mistake twice.

  
“Jihoon-ah, I am serious when I asked you not to interact with Soonie. He’s in a much better place. He’s happy. Please don’t do anything to jeopardize that happiness. I mean it. You have no idea what he went thru when you just suddenly stopped answering his calls, when you just disappeared on him. Anyways, I better go. I have a go-see in an hour. See you around?” Jeonghan said as he was preparing to leave.

His eyes show everything he wasn’t able to say, that despite his promise of patching up their friendship, it stops the moment Soonyoung gets involve.  
  
“I can’t make any promises, Hyung. I don’t think I can do what your asking me to do. I miss him so much. Please Hyung..”

  
“Leave him out of it, Jihoon. I gotto go.”  
“Okay. Thank you for giving me this chance.”

  
“Bye.”

  
And just like that, Jihoon is alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	10. Jeonghan’s Worries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JEONGHAN**

Jeonghan was glad that he had the chance to reconnect with Jihoon. But at the same time it worried him, because when he looked at Jihoon when Soonyoung arrived, the boy still looked at Soonyoung the way he did years ago.  
  
It was no doubt that Jihoon is still very much in love with Soonyoung.  
But love does not make the world go round for Jihoon, it wasn’t enough for him in the past, and it sure will not be enough for him in the present.  
  
He is so unlike Soonyoung in that aspect. Soonyoung, when truly in love, pours all his energy, his time, and every aspect of his life for that person. Soonyoung prioritizes love over all things, while Jihoon thinks he can do everything and juggle love and his dreams which ended up in disaster the last time he did. So how are they going to reconcile such opposite views in love and life? Jeonghan feels that they can’t. They tried it once and failed.

**Jeonghan/Groupchat w/o Soonyoung**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	11. A Message from an Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung happily went on his day. Being gone from the studio for 3 weeks left him with lots to do. He’s lucky though because Mingyu takes care of most of his paper works and accounting. Chan makes sure that all of his schedules are in order.

  
But still he has a lot to do despite the help. He has classes to teach and meetings to attend with entertainment companies that requests for their choreography. While going thru his schedule for the day, he received a message from an unexpected person.

**Soongyoung / Jihoon**

  
Soonyoung felt nervous. He wasn’t sure why. It must be because they haven’t seen each other in a long time. Jihoon was a friend, and then they lost touch. His thoughts were interrupted by his phone.

**Soonyoung / Wonwoo**

****

  
Soonyoung felt bad that he had to cancel on Jihoon, but Wonwoo needs him. There’s not a thing in the world that’ll make him prioritize something else over his bestfriend.

**Soonyoung / Jihoon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	12. A Glimpse of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

Jihoon felt disappointed. He wanted nothing more than to patch things up with Soonyoung, but the universe seemed to have other plans. He wanted to apologize and beg for forgiveness. He wanted to tell Soonyoung that until now, it’s still him.  
  
But more than the disappointment, he felt hurt. He was hurt that Soonyoung is acting as if what happened to them did not matter. As if Soonyoung erased that part of their history, the part which mattered most to Jihoon.  
  
He wished Soonyoung would just scream at him, instead of being kind all the time. He remembered the first time they got together.

**Jihoon’s Past Archived Post**

**FLASHBACK**

_They were in their usual spot in the rooftop of their university. It was usually where they go to talk or just spend some time together, as friends. Jihoon felt that he needed to tell Soonyoung his feelings or he might combust._

  
_That’s why when Soonyoung asked him to meet at the rooftop he agreed. He decided be brave once and for all and confess. He’d been in love with Soonyoung for years. He was hoping that the other felt the same._   
  
_“Soon, can you listen to this song? I’ve been writing that for a long time, and I think I’m finally done.” Jihoon said nervously._

  
_“Sure!” Soonyoung said as he watched Jihoon set up his portable organ. “Wait, are you going to sing it live?”_   
  
_“Uhmm, yeah.. if that’s okay.” Jihoon answered._

  
_“Of course it is! Wow, my own personal concert from the great Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung teased his friend._

  
_“Shut up and just listen.”_

**Jihoon's Confession Song**

[Bye Bye Blue](https://youtu.be/18FTS5NKCSE)

__

_After singing, Jihoon went near Soonyoung who became quiet for some reason. He took his hand and look straight into his eyes._

_  
“I’m in love with you. Soon, I love you.” Soonyoung just kept staring at him without any hint as to whether he heard him or not._

_  
"I have been hesitating for a long time whether to confess or not. I was afraid. I feel_ _like I do not deserve you. I’m too quiet. I’m too burdened with weaknesess. I’m cranky. While you, you’re the embodiment of everything good in this world. The fresh morning dew resting on the flower petals, the smell of rain, the sound of the ocean as the waves hit the shore, the sunlight through the window as the sun begins to set, the warmth of a mug of hot chocolate in a cold winter night the sound of trees as they dance in the wind, and so much more. You’re the embodiment of all my favorite things in the world yet you’re so much more. It scared me. I wanted so much to be honest, but I didn’t know how. Most of the time I didn’t know how to act when you’re there that I end up pushing you away. But I want to be better for you. I want to take care of you. I wanna tell you I love you everyday. I’m in love with you Soonyoung. I love you. Uhmm.. as more than a friend, if that part is not clear.” Jihoon laughed awkwardly.  
Soonyoung remained quiet. He was in shock. He didn’t expect a confession from Jihoon who was always stoic with him.  
  
“Soonie? It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I just wanted to get it out of my chest. You don’t have to say anything. It’s enough for me that you know. So I’m sorry, I’ll leave.”_

_“No Jihoon!!”_

_“Uhh.. no?”  
  
“I meant, I thought you didn’t. I thought you like someone else. I just didn’t expect for you to feel the same way.” Soonyoung said clearly still shocked from the sudden confession._

_  
“What do you mean that I don’t feel the same way?”_

_  
“It’s just that you always pushed me away when I get too close and just normal stuff. I_ _always felt like I was chasing you. I’m not complaining! I’m just saying that I was contented to be a step behind you, just ready to catch you if you stumble.”  
  
“That’s because you make me nervous my first instinct is to get away. What do you mean I don’t feel the same way? Does that mean that..”  
  
“Oh for goodness sake Jihoonie, yes! I’m in love with you. Been in love with you from the moment you tried to peep thru the window of the door on your tiptoes on first day of 6th grade. Okay, maybe not in love but I like you a lot since then.”  
  
“That long?” Jihoon tried to sound cocky but his red ears said what he was truly feeling.  
  
“Yes, that long. I love you, Jihoonie. I may not have words as beautiful as what you’ve just said, which by the way you have to write because I want to reread them over and over again, but instead of words..”  
  
“I can show you.” Soonyoung leaned closer. The moment their lips touched, he knew he was home. Jihoon knew just how much Soonyoung loves him._

_  
“I love you too.” Jihoon whispered._

**End of Flashback**

  
That night, Jihoon cried in his sleep. He made so many mistakes but losing Soonyoung was one that he regretted the most. If only he were a little bit braver, if only he held on and not let his doubts get in the way. If only he didn’t succumbed to the uncertainties and doubts, then he who wouldn’t have lost the person that mattered the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	13. Wonwoo’s Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was pissed as hell. He was also afraid of what’s to come. He didn’t know what Jihoon was after but he won’t let him near his bestfriend again. He was the reason why Soonyoung’s life became a mess.

**Wonwoo / Jihoon**

**Wonwoo’s Past Archived Post**

Wonwoo knew Soonyoung since they were little kids. Then in 6th grade Jihoon came along and the three of them became inseparable. It wasn’t until they were in secondary school that he noticed how Soonyoung looked at Jihoon, and how Jihoon looked at Soonyoung in the same way. He knew this because he looked at Soonyoung the same way.

They were freshmen in college when Jihoon and Soonyoung finally got together. He remembered the moment vividly, because it was Soonyoung’s happiest moment and Wonwoo’s first heart break.

**FLASHBACK**

**Wonwoo / Soonyoung**

_Wonwoo found Soonyoung sitting by the stairs holding a plastic bag full of food. He hugged his bestfriend from the back._

  
_“Wow, is there something wrong? Why the sudden clinginess?” Soonyoung asked._   
  
_“I’m just exhausted.” Wonwoo sat beside Soonyoung and laid his head on the latter’s shoulder._

  
_“Aigoo. Our baby is tired. That’s why I brought you your favorite food! Let’s eat first and then I’ll let you nap on my shoulders for a while.”_   
  
_“Thanks Soonie.”_

_“Wow. You must really be exhausted.” Soonyoung laugh. It wasn’t often that Wonwoo looks for comfort, and when he does, Soonyoung makes sure never to deny them.  
  
Both ate their food in silence. Wonwoo noticed that Soonyoung was fidgeting. He knows the boy is usually like that when he’s keeping something from him._

_  
“Yah! Kwon Soonyoung, spill.”_

_  
“What?”_

_  
“What is it?”_

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Come on eat, you still have to get back to the library and finish your term paper.”_

_  
“Soon..”_

_  
“Okay, okay. I got my Japan scholarship!”  
  
“Seriously!? God!! You’ve been wanting that forever. I’m so happy for you.” Wonwoo hugged Soonyoung._

_  
“I’m gonna miss you though. You’re annoying but I’ll miss you.” Wonwoo added._

_  
“Yah!” Soonyoung broke the hug, while Wonwoo laughed. He love teasing Soonyoung.  
  
“Thanks Won. But..”_

_  
“But what?”_

_  
“I don’t think I’ll go.” Soonyoung whispered._

_  
“What!? Why?!”_

_  
“Well, for starters Jihoon confessed to me last night. We’re finally together! Isn’t that great? He also feels the same way.”  
_

_“What?! Soon, this is your dream!”_

_“And Jihoon is my one great love. I can’t leave when we’re finally got together. I’ve been in love with him since forever.”  
  
“Soon, you’re being crazy. You’re still young, don’t give up your dream for something as uncertain as young love. Please tell me you’d think about it some more. Please..”  
  
“Won, I know what I want. I want to be with Jihoon more than I want to attend that school. Besides, without you how am I going to survive?”_

_  
“I’m serious Soon.”  
  
“I have never been more serious in my life. I’m not leaving Jihoon. You see our love as something w/ an uncertain future just. There’ll be hiccups along the way but at the end of the day I will always go back to Jihoon. I am certain.” Soonyoung replied.  
  
“Then do a long distance relationship!” Wonwoo suggested. _

_“I can’t.”_

_  
“What do you mean you can’t?” Wonwoo asked. “It’s not that you can’t, it’s just that you don’t want to.”  
  
“Won, there’ll be more opportunities that’ll come. I’m sure of it. But this thing here,” Soonyoung pointed at his heart, “it comes onces in a lifetime. I wanna savor it. I wanna make tons of memories, take long walks with Jihoon snuggle in the winter, late night snacks, and just simple things that we can’t do if I’m a thousand miles away.”_

_  
“Okay, okay.” Wonwoo saw that for Soonyoung, he wasn’t giving up his dream, he was just choosing another one and that is to be with Jihoon.  
  
It was the night that his heart was shattered by the person he loved the most. He was happy for his bestfriend, but sad that his one great love will forever remain a secret kept in the broken pieces of his shattered heart._

_**End of Flashback** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	14. Sulky Mingyu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

💬 **Soonyoung / Wonwoo**

  
Soonyoung was startled when Wonwoo hugged him from the back.

  
“Aigoo. I can’t remember the last time when you were this clingy.” Soonyoung said.

  
“Come on. I’m just exhausted.”

  
“Is Mingyu coming?”  
  
“Nope, he has a paper to finish. But I’m gonna head over to his apartment later after dinner. I’ll probably crash there for the night.” Wonwoo frowns as he watched his bestfriend. Soonyoung looks a little paler than usual and quiet.

“Soons? Yah, are you listening?”  
  
“Sorry, the whole day I had this terrible headache and for some reason it hurts here.” Soonyoung pointed at his chest.

“We should call Josh. I’ll just text Mingyu that I can’t go.”

“No! I’m sure this is nothing. You guys need quality time. I’m just probably tired.”

  
“Okay, why don’t we just head home, call for delivery, and take a long hot bath while we wait.” Wonwoo offered.

  
“Okay, I’m sorry.”

  
  
“Hey, it’s alright.” Wonwoo reassured Soonyoung. But he’s really worried. This past week Soonyoung’s headache has been getting worst.

**MINGYU**

  
  
Mingyu didn’t really have a paper to finish. But he wanted the night to be special since it’s their monthsary, so he cooked a bit of food. Wonwoo promised him quality time.  
  
They were going to watch a movie with wine and cheese for company. All he has to do now is wait for his boyfriend who was presently busy taking care of one of their bestfriends.

  
**Mingyu / Wonwoo**

****

Mingyu would be lying if he says it didn’t hurt, but it did. He feels like instead of Soonyoung being the third wheel in the relationship as he always joked, it’s him. Both shared so much history that sometimes he feels like the odd one out. He also loves Soonyoung.  
  
How can one hate that cheerful oddball? But it wasn’t always like that. He shuddered when he remember the Soonyoung from two years ago. That’s why he tries to be understanding, but he’s only human. There were going to be days that he’ll feel left out.  
  
He already has so much on his plate to bother him with his insecurities. He took the bottle of wine and spend the night crying over a zombie movie.  
  
Mingyu woke up the next morning with a head ache and several messages from Soonyoung and Wonwoo. He also has several missed calls. He drank too much wine and black out in the living room.

**Mingyu / Soonyoung**

**Mingyu / Wonwoo**

Mingyu was shocked. Plus, it wasn’t just Soonyoung and Wonwoo. He also had several messages in their group chat.

**Mingyu / Groupchat**

****

**Mingyu Twitter Post**

****

**Mingyu / Wonwoo**

****

**Mingyu / Soonyoung**

****

Mingu knew he needed to make reassurances to Soonyoung. No matter what happened Soonyoung needed it. He won’t forgive himself if the boy suffers an anxiety attack because of him.

**Mingyu / Wonwoo**

**Mingyu’s Twitter Posts**

** **

**Mingyu / Soonyoung**

Mingyu felt embarassed, but he felt better. From now on he promised he will always speak his mind and be honest with regard to what he is feeling, especially to his two best friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	15. Unexpected Message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung felt relieved that everything with Mingyu was okay. He didn’t know what to do if the younger boy gets mad at him. His headache was still there. It seemed to be getting worst.

  
But now, he didn’t tell Wonwoo about it, his bestfriend needed to focus his energy to his relationship. Besides, it was nothing that he can’t handle on his own.

  
Last night he dreamt about a building. He thinks it’s some sort of school. He was standing in the middle of the road, while it rained heavily. He also saw two shadows. He can’t quite figure what it was, but it seems like they were two people in an embrace.  
  
Then he sees a flashing of light and sound of screeching car. He sees red and when he feels like he can no longer breathe, he wakes up.  
When he woke up there were tears on his cheeks. He had been crying in his sleep. The last time that happened was 2 years ago.  
  
 ****

**Soonyoung / Joshua**

****

** **

**Soonyoung/ Jihoon**

  
Soonyoung’s heart ached when he read the last line. He didn’t understand why. He hope he feels better later. His headache just won’t go away. He hate to cancel on Jihoon for the second time.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	16. Jihoon’s Stalking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

**Jihoon to Wonwoo**

  
Jihoon felt nervous. He didn’t know what’s going to happen. All he knows is that he needs to make good with Wonwoo and Soonyoung.

He spent the rest of the day looking at old instagram posts. He wondered if he’s the only one who kept the memories.  
  
He searched for his friends account, the ones that he blocked a long time ago. It’s funny how the roles were reversed. Years ago, it was his friends who were in his position. They tried so hard to contact him.  
  
Soonyoung even called the college, his roommates, and even went after him. Now, he’s the one chasing them. He’s the one who needs to beg them. He’s the one who needs to begged Soonyoung. But it seems that the latter has moved on.  
  
He would have felt better if Soonyoung hates him, at least he knows that he still cares.

But Soonyoung has been nothing but friendly, and indifferent at the same time. It’s as if his existence doesn’t affect Soonyoung at all.  
  
Wonwoo still has his old instagram account. He excitedly open the page but it appears to have no posts. His other friends seemed to have goten rid of posts that include him, some of them even has no posts.  
  
Soonyoung even set up a new instagram. He browsed thru the feed. Soonyoung seemed to have opened it 2 years ago.

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Posts**

****

Jihoon felt happy, that Soonyoung achieved all his dreams and so much more. He regretted not being there for him. As he browsed thru the instagram feed, he realized he missed so many moments with Soonyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	17. A Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung just finished his class. It ended later than usual. He had no time for a quick shower but he badly wanted one. He decided to text Jihoon and beg if he can have one. He still has a raging headache. He was hoping a cold shower will help.

**Soonyoung / Jihoon**

****

**Jihoon’s Instagram Post**

  
Jihoon waited patiently for Soonyoung who was already thirty minutes late and counting. He felt nervous. He told himself not push too hard and try to patch their friendship first, eventhough all he wanted to do was embrace Soonyoung, apologize and tell him that he’s still in love with him. He never really stopped. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think of him. Eventhough Soonyoung was no longer physically in his life, he still occupied every single thing in Jihoon’s life.

Every waking moment, every tear, every song, everything was about Soonyoung. He was the one who left, but it seems that he was the only one who’s still hurting.

“Hey Jihoonie!” The nickname caused his heart to clenched. It’s been a long time since he heard Soonyoung called him that.  
  
“Hey. Uhh.. Do you want coffee? I’ll go order one.. you still like chocolate latte?” Jihoon asked.

  
“Uhh.. Actually, I prefer mango smoothie. I’ll go order.”

“No, let me. I invited you so I should pay.” Jihoon insisted.  
  
“No, it’s okay. I need to talk to Ruru anyways.” Soonyoug replied.

  
“Ah the barista?” Jihoon asked as he glance at the tall barista who already smiling at Soonyoung.

  
“Yup! He gives me his employee’s discount. Be right back.”  
  
He watched Soonyoung saunter toward the handsome barista with a wide smile. The barista waved at him and to Jihoon’s surprise Soonyoung’s drink was already prepared. He must be a regular here, Jihoon thought.  
  
He watched as Soonyoung talked with the barista and gestured towards Jihoon. The barista smiled and waved at Jihoon.  
When Soonyoung came back, he also had with him a pack of salad and cake. “Hope you had a nice day” and a heart was written on his smoothie cup.

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

  
“So, what do you want to talk about?” Soonyoung asked him. He placed the cake in front of Jihoon. It was his favorite cake. Jihoon smiled, touched that Soonyoung remembered.  
  
“Well, I want to catch up with you. I also want to apologize and explain. If you’ll let me, I also want to make it up to you.”  
Soonyoung intensely stared at Jihoon. He seemed confused and it seems that he can’t make up his mind over something.  
  
Jihoon watched as Soonyoung clenched his fist and breathe deeply.

  
“Jihoon, whatever it is that you’re sorry for I’m sure it wasn’t intended. It’s okay.” Soonyoung nervously said.

“I’m so sorry. I regretted it everyday for the past years. I regretted everything. I’m so sorry.” Jihoon whispered.

  
“It’s okay. Really. It’s all in the past.” Soonyoung answered. He was a little bit startled with how Jihoon was being emotional.  
  
“But why do I feel like it’s not really okay? Everytime I see you, there’s this massive ache in my chest and I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m not even getting the hate that I deserve. I rather that you hate me.” Jihoon said.

  
“Jihoon, I don’t understand.”  
  
“What can’t you understand!?” Jihoon’s voice raised a little bit which caused the barista to look at their direction.

Soonyoung signaled that they’re okay so the barista went back to work.

  
“Jihoon, calm down for a second, okay? You’re making me anxious.”  
  
“I know it was my fault. If you can’t forgive me now, then let me try to change your mind. But please don’t be indifferent about it.”

  
“I’m not! Being indifferent. I don’t know what gave you that impression.”

Soonyoung was getting a bit worked up.  
  
“You say it’s okay but see it in your eyes, the hesitation. I rather that you hate me. Please don’t make it seem that it wasn’t a big deal, because it was and it still is. It was my fault and you’re being too kind. I don’t deserve it. I’m trying Soonyoung. Please..”  
  
Jihoon felt devastated with how Soonyoung was reacting to his apology. It feels like to the other boy, it doesn’t matter if he apologized or not, it doesn’t even matter if he’s there or not. He feels discarded. Indifference really does hurt more than hate.  
  
“I am, Jihoon. I swear I’m not being kind. I’m genuinely saying that it’s okay.. Uhh.. whatever it is I forgive you.” Soonyoung seemed more nervous. Soonyoung was getting agitated by how tensed Jihoon looked.

“Whatever it is?!” Jihoon could not stop his emotion from spilling. How could Soonyoung refer to what happened like it doesn’t matter, when it was killing him. He felt that he was the only one who suffered.  
  
“Why not say it? Say that I left you. I broke my promises. I hurt you. I left you. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Please Soonie. I have no excuse with what I did. I’ll spend the rest my life making it up to you.” Jihoon was crying.

⛔️⛔️⛔️

  
“Jihoon, calm down. You’re making me anxious. Please..” Soonyoung was asking Jihoon to calm down but he himself was having difficulty breathing. He was trembling and sweating.

  
“Are you okay?” Jihoon tried to grab Soonyoung’s hand but the barista beat him to it.  
  
“Look at me. It’s okay. Breathe with me, okay?” The barista said while he held Soonyoung in his seat with both hands. He was also rubbing Soonyoung’s shoulder comfortingly. Soonyoung tried to follow the barista’s breathing.  
  
The barista’s eyes never strayed away from Soonyoung. Jihoon anxiously watched as Soonyoung tried so hard to breathe. But the barista’s presence seemed to be helping. After a while, Soonyoung’s breathing started to come back to normal.  
  
“One more time Soonie.” Soonyoung followed the barista’s direction. The barista smiled at Soonyoung who returned it. Soonyoung looked pale and exhausted.

🟢🟢🟢

  
“Are we good Soonie? Better?” the barista asked while he continued to rub Soonyoung’s shoulder comfortingly.  
  
“Yes, thank you Ruru. But I think my headache just got worst.” Soonyoung answered. His eyes tearing up from the pain.

  
“It’s alright. Here let’s drink your smoothie, the cold will relieve your headache. Did you take your medicine? Do you want me to call Wonwoo?”  
  
“No, I think I’ll head to the comfort room first.”

“I’ll go with you.” Both Jihoon and the barista said at the same time. Jihoon was getting irritated at Ruru the barista. He felt like an outsider in Soonyoung’s world which made him feel more tense and frustrated.  
  
“I’m his friend and I was the one who invited him here so I’ll go. I’m sorry we disrupted your work. I think you better get back before the manager looks for you.” Jihoon looked at the counter that the barista left where the line was starting to get longer.  
  
“I’m sorry, Jihoon-sii right? But I’ll go. My employees can handle it.”

  
“But.. what..”

  
“Jihoon, it’s okay. Ruru can accompany me. I’ll just wash my face. I’ll be right back.”  
  
Jihoon watched as Soonyoung went to the comfort room with the barista. He had his arms wrapped around Soonyoung, while the latter’s head was resting on the barista’s shoulder. They seemed awfully close. He can’t help but feel jealous.  
  
Soonyoung had people taking care of him and he wasn’t part of the list. Even some random barista has more right than him. He surprised himself when he felt tears streaming down his face. His heart ached and filled with regret.  
  
He didn’t notice that Soonyoung was already walking back to him. He was wearing an oversized shirt. He must have borrowed it from the barista. He looked a little better. His hair was a little wet which made it stick out.  
  
“I’m sorry about that.” Soonyoung apologized.

  
“Are okay? I’m sorry. Did I overwhelm you?”

  
“It’s okay Jihoonie. There are things that I can’t explain. Actually, I think I should go.  
  
“Wait.. please Soonyoung. Please.. just give me a chance.”

“A chance to what?” Soonyoung asked.

“To make things right! Please.. I’m sorry. I feel like if I let you go tonight I’m going to lose you.” Jihoon begged.  
  
“What are you talking about? I’m.. You’re confusing me. What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean!” Jihoon raised his voice and grabbed Soonyoung’s hands.

  
“Jihoon, please calm down. This is a public place. Please let me go. I literally have a massive headache.”  
  
“Please Soonyoung..” Jihoon begged and was already in tears. He didn’t notice just how strongly he was gripping Soonyoung’s hands who winced in pain.

  
“That’s enough! Let him go. He asked you nicely so don’t make him say it twice,” the barista intervened.  
  
“Why the fuck do you keep interrupting us? Don’t you have customers to serve?” Jihoon said. A frustrated and tense Jihoon is not a good combination, it makes him rude. He couldn’t help it. He knows he was pushing Soonyoung, but he was desperate.  
  
The barista grabbed Jihoon’s hand that was still holding Soonyoung and forced him to let go.  
  
“First, my name is Rowoon. Second, MY employees will handle it. I own this place. Third, I’m Soonyoung’s boyfriend. So, between the two of us who do you think is overstepping beyond his boundaries?”  
  
“Please, guys stop it. Please Ruru.. love.. my head aches. I wanna go home.” Soonyoung tearfully asked Rowoon. Hearing the term of endearment shattered Jihoon’s heart. Soonyoung used to call him that.  
  
“Okay love, let’s go.”

  
“I’m sorry.” Jihoon said before the two reached the door.

  
“I’m sorry too Jihoonie. But I really need to go. I’ll see you around., okay?”

Just like that the two left. Jihoon couldn’t believe he let his frustrations get in the way. He was the one at fault, so he should have remained patient but instead he was forceful. He even caused Soonyoung duress with his forceful apologies. He kept on pushing.  
  
Everybody but him has already moved on. Soonyoung has moved on and Jihoon is still stuck in their world alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	18. The Day Soonyoung Met Rowoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

Wonwoo was preparing to go to his boyfriend when he received a notification on his phone. Soonyoung posted something. Wonwoo saw Soonyoung’s post. He’s can’t help but smile at his bestfriend’s antic. Thank God Rowoon has a patience of a saint.  
  
He’s happy that they met. Rowoon’s perfect for Soonyoung. He knows how to reign in Soonyoung’s energy. He reads Soonyoung’s mood like a book. He takes care of him. Soonyoung who has been lost for a long time, floating aimlessly found his anchor in Rowoon.  
  


**FLASHBACK**

_  
Soonyoung and Wonwoo entered the coffee shop. Soonyoung recently opened a dance studio nearby and asked him to check out the local establishments. Soonyoung wanted to look for a new coffee for his morning coffee, which technically he’s not allowed.  
  
“This place looks great.” Soonyoung excitedly said. The cafe is called Haru and One Day. It has a modern interior, cozy, and perfect for a quiet morning._

_  
“Yeah, i’ll probably study here some time while I wait for you.”  
  
“Won, I told you I can take care of myself. I know I haven’t been able to do that but therapy is helping. I promise.” Soonyoung tried to look assuring, which Wonwoo can’t help but smile. He knows Soonyoung is getting better, but he can’t help but worry.  
  
“I know Soon. But I want to, not because you can’t take care of yourself, I know that you can. But because I want to spend more time with my bestfriend. With your choreography gigs and now your studio, we’ll hardly see each other.”_

_  
“Aigoo, so clingy. Now, order me coffee.” Wonwoo laughed at Soonyoung’s petulant tone._

_  
“Aigoo so bossy. But no coffee for you.” Woonwoo answered._

_  
“Coffee!”_

_  
“No!”  
  
Their little argument was interrupted by a laughed that came from the tall barista who was waiting to serve them._

_  
“Hi! What’s your best coffee?” Soonyoung asked._

_  
“I’m sorry Sir. We’re all out.” the barista smiled mischievously._

_  
“What?!”_

_  
“I meant to say that I highly suggest the mango smoothie.” The barista smiled._

_  
“Why?”  
  
“Because you make a mango crazy,” the barista smiled and winked at Soonyoung._

_Wonwoo laugh at the barista’s lame pick up line. Soonyoung, to Wonwoo’s surprised, turned red as a beet and became flustered._

_  
“I.. I need coffee though.” Soonyoung stuttered.  
  
“Oh, that’s too bad. I make the best mango smoothie.” To Wonwoo’s suprised the barista pouted_

_“Uhhmm.. ahh okay, I’ll have a mango smoothie then.” Soonyoung became flustered and agreed after seeing the barista pout.  
  
“My name’s Rowoon by the way.” He said and extended his hand to Soonyoung, who wipe his hands on his pants before returning the handshake._

_  
“I’m Soonyoung and this is my bestfriend Wonwoo.”  
  
“Nice you meet you, Wonwoo and Soonyoung. Is that new studio yours?” He asked while he prepared their order.  
  
“Uhh yeah, I just opened if with and friend of mine. It’s mine. We’re opening soon.” Wonwoo couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. He haven’t seen his bestfriend this flustered. Soonyoung glared at him, but he continued laughing.  
  
“Here’s your mango smoothie, and a Very Berry Cake on the house for a very cute customer. Hope to see again, Soonyoung-ssi.” The barista smiled while Soonyoung blushed for the hundredth time that day.  
  
“Thank you., Rowoon-ssi.” Wonwoo laughed at his flustered bestfriend. It’s been a long time since he’d seen Soonyoung get flustered over a boy. He hoped that it’s the beginning of something new.  
  
He noticed Soonyoung blushing more, written on his cup was Rowoon’s number. _

**End of Flashback**

  
Wonwoo’s reverie was disrrupted when his phone suddenly vibrated. It was a message from Seungkwan.

**Seungkwan to Wonwoo**

Wonwoo immediately dialled Rowoon’s number but it went straight to voicemail. He then called Soonyoung but he didn’t answer.

**Wonwoo / Mingyu**

Wonwoo arrived at the coffee shop just as Rowoon and Soonyoung were leaving.

  
“Did something happen? Is everything alright? Are you okay?” Wonwoo asked his bestfriend who was becoming pale by the minute.  
  
“He was talking to Jihoon and had a minor attack. Now, he says he has a massive headache. I was going to take him to our family doctor but he doesn’t want to go.” Rowoon supplied.

  
“Soon please, we’ll go with you.” Wonwoo pleaded.  
  
“I just want to go home. Plus I already promised Shua Hyung I’ll go. Won, please. Love, please.

  
“Okay baby, we’ll go but you have to promise me we’ll go tomorrow okay? If you want to go to Shua hyung then we’ll go there.” Rowoon pouted.  
  
“Okay, I promise. Won, I’m sleeping over Rowoon’s, okay?” Soonyoung who looked close to fainting asked Wonwoo.

“Yes, of course. Call me tomorrow, I’ll go with you to the doctor.”

“We’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t worry Won, I’ll take care of him.”

Thank you.”  
  
Wonwoo watched as Soonyoung and Roowon leave in the latter’s car. Soonyoung’s headache must have been so terrible that he was almost being carried by Rowoon.  
  
His bestfriend’s condition is making him worried, but not enough to make him forget that he needed to talk to Jihoon. Mingyu arrived just as he was about to go inside the cafe.  
  
It was good timing since with the way he’s feeling, he’ll probably need Mingyu to help him calm down.  
  
They found Jihoon by the window staring at Rowoon’s disappearing car. Distress was evident on the boy’s face. It almost made him pity Jihoon, but when he remembered how Soonyoung almost had an anxiety attack, he became furious.  
  
“Calm down, babe.” Mingyu said while squeezing his hands.

  
“Hey Jihoon, let’s talk.” Jihoon’s eyes widened when he saw who was addressing him. He stood up from his table to greet Wonwoo and Mingyu but they ignored him and sat down immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	19. Introducing Rowoon

Kim Rowoon

-Chaebol

-Owner of different branches of Haru and One Day Cafe 

-Only heir to his family’s several businesses

-Soonyoung’s current boyfriend 


	20. A memory?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**ROWOON**

Rowoon looked at Soonyoung’s face. His eyes were closed, but he knew his boyfriend was in pain. Soonyoung fell asleep on their way home. When they arrived at his house, he parked the car and decided to wait for a few minutes before waking up his boyfriend.  
  
He knew how much Soonyoung needed the rest. Rowoon decided to wake up the other boy when he heard soft whimpers coming from the latter.

  
“Hey baby, we’re here.” He touched Soonyoung’s face to wake him up and noticed his tear stained cheeks.  
  
Sooyoung was crying in his sleep. It broke Rowoon’s heart to see the other both in physical and emotional pain.

“Baby?”

  
Soonyoung woke up. When he realized he was crying again, he smiled at Rowoon.

  
“Bad dream?” Rowoon supplied and smiled reassuringly.  
  
Soonyoung just nodded and tightly hugged Rowoon.

  
“It’s okay, baby. I’m here. You’re safe. Want me to carry you?” Rowoon asked.

  
“No, I’ll walk.”

  
“I’m strong you know.” Rowoon joked. Soonyoung doesn’t like feeling helpless.  
  
“I know you are Babes. But I’m fine.” Soonyoung said. He stood up but wasn’t able to support his weight. He was still trembling from the dream.  
  
Rowoon didn’t ask again, but instead just helped Soonyoung stand up. He wanted to ask about the dream, but held himself back. It wasn’t like Soonyoung to not immediately share his thoughts.  
  
“Come on big baby, let’s go.” Rowoon joked. He tend do that a lot whenever he’s trying to lighten the mood. He doesn’t want Soonyoung to know, but he’s really worried.  
  
When they arrived, he drew soonyoung a hot bath. He hoped that a warm bubble bath, relaxing music, and scented candles would help calm Soonyoung down.  
  
“Hey baby, come on. Your bath is ready. You may close your eyes, but make sure not to fall asleep. I’ll check on you from time to time.” Rowoon said.

  
“You’re not going to join me?” Soonyoung asked.

  
“Babes, if I join you it will lead to you know, and you’re sick.”

“But..” Soonyoung tried to reason but Rowoon interrupted him.

  
“No buts baby. I’ll just order food and I’ll come back to shampoo your hair. Maybe a massage will lessen your headache."  
  
“I’m already feeling better. What would I do without you, Ruru?” Soonyoung asked.

  
“You will never know, because you will never be without me.” Roowon smiled and gave Soonyoung a peck on the lips.

He then excused himself to order food. But what really wanted to do was to talk to Joshua, who was an intern at a hospital where Soonyoung’s doctor worked.

**Rowoon / Joshua**

  
After talking to Joshua, Rowoon went back to his boyfriend who was currently sleeping peacefully in the bathtub.

  
“Hey baby, that’s not safe. Wake up Soonie.”

  
Rowoon helped Soonyoung shampoo his hair and scrubbed his back. He also gave Soonyoung’s a massage.  
  
Soonyoung finished his bath and changed to Rowoon’s clothes. The large-sized clothes made him feel comfortable, and the familiar smell comforted him. They had a quiet dinner, watched television for a while until Soonyoung fell asleep on the couch.  
  
Rowoon quietly picked him up and carried him to the bedroom, and while he was tucking him in, he heard Soonyoung whispered a name.

“Jihoon...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	21. Last Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These pictures show the last letter of goodbye from Soonyoung to Jihoon. Basically just talks about Soonyoung’s pain.
> 
> For questions: 
> 
> https://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee or @soonhaee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⛔️TRIGGER WARNING⛔️
> 
> Please skip chapter if distressing.
> 
> There will mentions of self harm and taking of one's life in the following contents that can be distressing to others. Please do not read if uncomfortable and if it will cause any kind of distress.
> 
> Although I won't be writing these particular scenes in detail, words that might be triggering for others will be mentioned as I find it essential to convey the depth of Soonyoung's pain. Thank you.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

⛔️⛔️⛔️

Jihoon’s hands shook as he read the letter that Wonwoo gave him. He read it over and over again through the night. It was Soonyoung’s letter before he tried to end his life for the third time. Three times, that's how much Soonyoung wanted to end his life, and it's all because of him. Soonyoung who always radiated energy, passion, and who lived life to the fullest, wanted to end it.

Jihoon silently cried. His heart ached. He was in so much pain, but he did not wish for relief. He deserved the pain and so much more. 

“I’m sorry Soonyoung.. I’m so sorry.. I’m sorry Soonie.. I’m sorry..” Jihoon keep repeating these words to himself over and over thru the night until he finally fell asleep with tear stained cheeks and a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	22. Paper Plane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

“Do you know why it’s folded like a paper plane? He wrote you hundreds of letters and folded them into paper planes. Sometimes he’d make them into paper boats, and will let it float in the river. He told me it’s because he didn’t know where to send them.” 

  
Wonwoo told him earlier that night when he gave him the letter. He also told him sparing no details, of everything that happened since the day he disappeared on his friends.  
  
Mingyu suggested they go to a more private place to talk, so they went to the park. It was devoid of people and the silence was a creepy, a premonition of what’s to come.  
  
It’s a good thing that Mingyu suggested they go to a nearby park to talk, there’s not much people to witness Jihoon’s life crumble. A bad person, that’s what he is, because only such kind of person can cause the one he loves so much pain to drive him to despair.  
  
“I remember the day it all started. I remember we had a big fight that day because of all his part time jobs. He just got home and was preparing to go to a dance class without any sleep. But he did it all, just to see you.” Wonwoo said.

**FLASHBACK**

  
_It was six thirty in the morning when Wonwoo heard Soonyoung get in. The latter for most part of the year had been jumping from one part time job to another trying to save enough to visit Jihoon in time for his birthday.  
_   
  
_Soonyoung juggled three part time jobs and school. It worried Wonwoo whenever Soonyoung came home late, and the went straight to school in the morning. The workload was clearly exhausting Soonyoung. He looked gaunt and lifeless.  
  
“Hey! I feel like I haven’t seen you in a week.” Wonwoo gestured for his friend to sit beside him._

_“Where have you been this time? What work did you take? I feel like your focusing too much on your part time jobs, you hardly have time for yourself anymore. When was the last time you slept? Like for real."_

_His friend just kept quiet knowing that Wonwoo was right. Soonyoung knew he had been pushing his body beyond his limit. But he can’t help it. He badly wanted to see Jihoon._

_  
“I’m okay. I think I saved enough for tickets. I just need to save more for spending money. Don’t worry Won, I know what I’m doing.” Soonyoung reasoned._

_  
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea to be pushing yourself this way. It’s unhealthy. Even Jihoon won't approve of how you’re living these days.”_

_  
“Yah, you promised not to tell him. Don’t ruin my surprise, please.” Soonyoung pleaded. He already sacrificed a lot to let it go to waste.  
  
“Won, please I promise I’ll sleep more, and eat more. I just need another few weeks and I’m done. I promise.”_

_  
“You’ve been saying that for the past month, yet here we are, still having the same conversation.” Wonwoo insisted.  
  
“It’s a conversation we shouldn’t even be having. The last time I checked you’re my friend, not my parents. So, please let me be.” Soonyoung was getting agitated. He was exhausted from scrubbing too many barbecue grills, and too hungry because he didn’t want to spend more money on food. Wonwoo getting on his business was irritating him. Mostly because he knew his friend was right._

_  
“You’re basically telling me to look the other way while you kill yourself with exhaustion.” Wonwoo exclaimed.  
  
“Yeah, maybe that’s what I’m doing. It’s my life, I’ll do whatever I want with it. Soplease butt off!” Soonyoung snapped._

_Wonwoo was taken aback by Soonyoung’s outburst._

_  
“Get a life and stop hovering over mine.” Soonyoung continued.  
  
“Okay.” Wonwoo stood up and left. The silent sound of the door shutting bothered Soonyoung more than he cared to admit. He wished Wonwoo would have slammed it instead.  
  
Wonwoo felt guilty for walking out on Soonyoung. It’s been days since the fight, and still they haven’t talk, mostly because he barely sees Soonyoung in their shared room._   
  
_He decided they fought long enough. He tried to call his friend but it went straight to voice mail. His texts also remained unanswered. Worried, he decided to text Seungcheol._

_Wonwoo saw Soonyoung a week after his talk with Seungcheol. He was on his bed agitatingly browsing his phone. He placed his phone by his bed side table but a few minutes later checked it again. Wonwoo ignored his friend and sat by his bed._   
  
_“Won... I know you hate me right now...” Soonyoung broke the silence._

  
_"I don’t hate you. I was just worried and after everything we went through I don’t matter to you.” Wonwoo interrupted him and looked at his friend. The image Wonwoo saw shocked him._

  
_Soonyoung looked worst. He looked gaunt, with darker circles under his eyes that were red from crying. He looked like he hadn’t slept and eaten for days. His lips were dry and some of the skin were peeling off._   
  
_Wonwoo immediately went to his friend and engulf the latter in a hug. “Hey Soon, what’s happening? Is everything alright?”_

  
_“Please Won, help me. Please.. I'm begging you." Soonyoung sobbed. He was crying and trembling begging for help._   
  
_“Of course," Wonwoo reassured Soonyoung. "But first, when was the last time you slept? Have you eaten anything at all today?” The drastic change in Soonyoung's condition worried him._

  
_“That’s not important-“_

  
_“It is important Soon! You look like a corpse.”_

_“I don’t care! Please Won, help me. I_ _haven’t been able to contact Jihoon for a week now. He’s not responding to any of my emails, texts, and I can’t view any of his social media accounts. Please...” Soonyoung pleaded._

_“What?” Wonwoo was expecting something entirely different from what Soonyoung just said._

_“I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if something happened to him. I tried calling his mom and dad, but his dad’s secretary said they’re out of the country. I called his roommate, Daniel. He said that Jihoon’s fine and busy.” Soonyoung cried. He rub his eyes again to stop himself from crying some more. Wonwoo grabbed his hand before he can do further damage._

_“Soon, calm down. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for all of this. Let’s calm down first, okay? Why don’t you take a shower first while I order food?” Wonwoo led Soonyoung to the bathroom door, urging the latter to take a show. “You’ll feel better after a shower. Then I’ll help you, okay? I’ll go with you to America if we have to. But for not, please take a shower and then we’ll eat something.”_

_Wonwoo was able to convinced Soonyoung to take a shower. He ordered food and texted Seungcheol._

** Wonwoo / Groupchat **

_Wonwoo knocked on the bathroom door to check on Soonyoung._

_“Hey Soonyoung? Are you done?” He opened the door and found a newly showered Soonyoung crying on the bathroom floor._

_“Soon, come on. Let’s get you change. You need to stop crying. You need to stay calm and make sure you have plenty of energy. We’ll find him. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.” Wonwoo tried to reassured his best friend._

_“If there’s nothing wrong, why did he leave our group chat?” Soonyoung tearfully asked. Wonwoo didn’t know the_ _answer but he trusted Jihoon. There must be a reason why the Jihoon was currently out of touch._

_“I don’t know, Soonie. But crying won’t help, okay? Let’s go. I ordered Chinese. Let’s eat and come up with a plan, okay?”_

_“What if he already left me” Soonyoung whispered with trembling lips._

_“Hey! Jihoon is madly in love with you. He’ll never do that. I know, okay? Because I watched you fall in love, it’s not something that he can just throw away in an instant.” Wonwoo didn’t know at that time that he’d wish he never said those words._

_“Okay, you’re right. Jihoonie loves me. I should trust him. Thank you Won. I’m sorry about last week. I know you were just worried and I snapped at you. I’m sorry.”_

_Wonwoo answered with a hug._

_"Soon, I'm sure he'll text you tomorrow or maybe the next day, ok?"_

_That day never came though. Soonyoung waited for days till a week became two, till a week became a month, and a forlorn Soonyoung grew more and more distraught as the day’s past, yet he never received a text from Jihoon._

**End of Flashback**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	23. A Better Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

Jihoon continued clutching the letter in his hands, while Wonwoo continued to stare him, completely indifferent to his tears.

“He deserved a good bye, Jihoon. It did not have to be grand. You could have copied some lame good bye letter off the internet. A simple text would have suffice. You could have said one word, and everything would have turned out differently.” Wonwoo angrily said.

“I didn’t mean to leave just like that.” Jihoon looked away, sobbing softly. For a moment, he was lost in his own thought, trying to remember in detail what made him leave just like that. He knew then that what he said was a lie. He meant to leave just like that because he couldn’t find the strength to say good bye.

“You didn’t just leave, you abandoned him. Disposed of him like garbage when things weren’t going your way. That’s what hurt Soonyoung the most. It was the fact that you didn’t even think that he deserved even a simple good bye. That despite everything that both of you went through, the joy and even the pain, to you he was nothing more than a disposable object which you can discard any time you want. It made him question his worth, not only to you but to everybody else. He asked himself over and over again for the past three years why he wasn’t worthy of goodbye? He wasn’t asking if he was worthy of love, he was asking why he wasn’t worthy of even the simplest of farewells. He asked me just how much of a worthless person he is that you can’t even be bothered to say good bye. It’s the indifference that wrecked him to the point of no return.”

“I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry.. Wonwoo, please give me a chance to make it up to him.. please.. I’m begging you.. I will make everything right again even if I have to spend my all of my days with no other thought than making it up to him.. please..” Jihoon cried.

“I don’t think you understand, Jihoon.”

“Please let me try.. I will do anything, Wonwoo.. I love him so much.. please...”

“You don’t f*ckng know what it means to love, Jihoon.” “Please Wonwoo.. All I want is one more chance..”

“Why? You didn’t afford Soonyoung the same thing? So why should he?” “Because I..”

“You still don’t get it do you? You can never make it up to him. He can’t forgive you. He won’t love you again. Because for him, your just someone from the past.”

“But..”

“He doesn’t remember you Jihoon!” Wonwoo shouted. Wonwoo’s outburst shocked him.

“What do you mean? He remembers me. He knows me. He knows me! He even remembers my favorite cake!” Jihoon insisted. He was desperately hoping that Wonwoo was lying.

Mingyu interfered when he saw Wonwoo getting agitated. Wonwoo was already tearing up from the memory of that night when they almost lost him.

“He only knows you as a friend. A childhood friend. The rest, he erased. Two-years after you left, he wrote that letter. There was an accident. He was in a comma, when he woke up he couldn’t recognize us. Everything eventually came back, except his memory of you.”

(Note: Basically the same contents as above paragraph but with a bit more detail. Thank you.)

⛔️⛔️⛔️

“He only knows you as a friend.” Mingyu continued. “A childhood friend who went away. The rest of it, he erased. Two-year mark after you disappeared, he wrote that letter and jumped from Hangang Bridge. It was his third attempt." Mingyu recalled.  "The first time it happened was after him and Wonwoo came back from America. Wonwoo Hyung found him. The second time was when he lost his scholarship and was about to be evicted. It was also the day of your anniversary. He went missing, and it was Jeonghan hyung who found him. The third attempt, he made sure that we won't be able to find him. We couldn't stop him. Luckily, he was saved by a couple of kids near the river. He was in a comma for a few days because of the impact. When he woke up, he was disoriented. For the first few weeks, he couldn't recognize us. But everything eventually came back, except his memory of you." 

🟢🟢🟢

You guys didn’t tell him? About me?” Jihoon asked.

  
“His parents decided not to. His doctor said that it’s better to wait as to not overwhelmed him. But until now, he still hasn’t regained that memory. I'm sorry Hyung, but I wish that, that day doesn’t come.” Mingyu continued.

“Don’t tell Soonyoung what we told you.” Wonwoo warned.

  
“So, you’re just going to lie to him for life?” Jihoon spat.

  
“That’s hardly your concern Jihoon.” Wonwoo glared at him.  
  
“It must have been too much for his heart that his mind erased every trace of you being together. He doesn’t know about how much he loved you. He doesn’t remember about your rooftop confession, how he gave up a dream for you, how he killed himself with exhaustion working three part time jobs just to save money to see you, he doesn’t remember anything that has to do with your f*ck*d up relationship. There’s nothing left for you to fix, Jihoon. Because Soonyoung does not even remember that you hurt him.” Wonwoo continued.  
  
“What.. But he said it’s okay.. He said..” Jihoon stuttered through his emotions.

  
“He said that because it’s always his response whenever he encounters a question that he can’t remember the answer to.The Soonyoung who loved you is gone. The Soonyoung you hurt no longer exists. So please Jihoon, stop before it’s too late. Just leave him be. He’s happy now. He’s moved on. You’ve lost him Jihoon, the moment you refuse to see him even when he begged and went all the way to you. So please, let Soonyoung live the life he deserve.”

This time it was Wonwoo who begged Jihoon, just to let his friend be. He was already living a happy life, even without Jihoon. He was able to pick up the pieces of his life, that Jihoon had wrecked, and Wonwoo will not allow that to be ruined again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	24. Woke Up Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung woke up alone, which confused him. Rowoon always made sure that Soonyoung never wakes up alone whenever he sleeps over. Soonyoung felt cold.

Rowoon’s side of the bed felt cold. It didn’t help that he dreamt about that building again. He saw two people in an embrace. But this time it was raining, and he felt himself being pushed and then he fell to never ending darkness.

“Ruru? Love?” Soonyoung called out but got no reply. He got off the bed to look for his boyfriend.

Rowoon lives in a four-story house. The first floor was the living area, second floor was his bedroom and third floor was his home office. The basement was a garage. He was the youngest of a very rich family. He didn’t like the pharmaceutical business that’s why he started his own business. He owns several branches of “Haru and One Day Cafe” all over Korea and Japan.

Soonyoung did not find Rowoon in the house. It seemed that he left, without even a note or a goodbye. It made Soonyoung anxious.

⛔️

He also started having difficulty in breathing. He tried to do the breathing exercises that his therapist taught him but to no avail. He was crying and clutching his chest when Rowoon found him.

When Rowoon got back home after a morning jog, he found Soonyoung curled up by the door crying. He was hyperventilating while repeatedly saying his name.

🟢

Rowoon immediately scooped up Soonyoung in his arms.

“Hey.. baby.. shh.. I’m here.. you’re okay..” Rowoon tried to comfort Soonyoung who was still having a hard time breathing. He was shaking in fear while crying.

“Soonie, look at me please. Please baby.. Please..”

This was the first time in months that Soonyoung had an attack this severe. Soonyoung was getting better, he hardly had any attacks.

Rowoon felt scared and guilty at the same time. He shouldn’t have left Soonyoung that morning, but hearing him unconsciously call for Jihoon hurt him. He needed to clear his mind before he faced the other, so he went on a run. He didn’t know that Soonyoung waking up without him would have this effect. He wouldn’t have gone if he knew.

“Baby.. I love you.. I’m here.. Please look at me.. Love? I’m here.” Rowoon wrap his arms around Soonyoung.

He traced circles on Soonyoung’s back.

“Twinkle, twinkle little star… how I wonder what you are? Up above the world so high.. Like a diamond in the sky... Twinkle, twinkle little star.. Soon, I love you.. You have my heart.” Rowoon sung softly. It was his confession song. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	25. Rowoon’s Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**FLASHBACK**

_After their initial meeting, Soonyoung became a regular custome_ r _of Haru and One Day. Rowoon made sure to be at the cafe every morning to make him his mango smoothie, which became Soonyoung’s regular drink and in the evenings just to say good night or ask how soonyoung’s day went._

_Technically, Rowoon was supposed to stay at the head office but he found himself making time to spend at the cafe near Soonyoung’s studio._

_They spent their mornings together at the cafe before their respective work officiallly starts, just talking about random stuff. Soonyoung told him stories about his choreography work, and how he decided to use Hoshi, which means star, as his stage name because Soonyoung sometimes feels like a different person. Rowoon, on the other hand, felt that there was more to Soonyoung’s stories. But he respected Soonyoung’s boundaries instead of pushing for the latter to tell him.  
  
It was Soonyoung’s birthday when he was finally introduced to his group of friends who were very protective of Soonyoung. Wonwoo organized a dinner party, and he invited him. They asked him questions about his past relationships, family background and just about everything else under the sun._

_  
“So, are you in love with Soonyoung? What if he has to move to Japan, would you stop him or go with him? How many relationships have you had?” Jeonghan asked Rowoon.  
  
“Hyung!!!! We’re not dating!!! We’re just friends! Stop with the interrogation please.” Soonyoung interfered._

_”We’re not?” Rowoon asked Soonyoung._

_Soonyoung blushed and became flustered.  
  
“I’m just kidding Soonie.” Rowoon laughed. But he noticed the disappointed look of Soonyoung. _

_After dinner, they went to a videoke bar prepared by Seungkwan. Soonyoung, Seungkwan, and Seokmin were singing when Wonwoo asked to talk to him.  
  
“What’s up?” Rowoon asked._

_  
“I’m going to be straight with you and just straight away ask you. What are your intentions with Soonyoung? If you’re not dating, then what are you guys?” Wonwoo seriously asked.  
  
“We’re not dating.” Wonwoo was about to interrupt but Rowoon continued. “I like him a lot. But sometimes I feel like there’s a hesitation on his part to fully commit himself to this. I’m trying to respect that. I wish we could be more. I am torn between wanting to confess and respecting the boundaries that he set.”_

_  
Wonwoo nodded in response. He knew his bestfriend was being cautious. Soonyoung told him that he didn’t want to burden Rowoon with his condition.  
  
Although he’s getting better every day with the help of therapy and the coping strategies he learned, he still just isn’t there yet. He didn’t want to burden Rowoon with complication.  
  
“I don’t know how to say this, but please don’t give up on him. He’ll come around.”  
Before Rowoon could respond, Soonyoung who seemed to be looking for them, came into view._

_  
“Soonie!” Rowoon called out. “Missed me already?”  
  
“No, I was just wondering where both of you went.” Soonyoung replied._

_“I’ll leave you to be.”_

_“Yeah, go with dance with your admirer.” Soonyoung teased his bestfriend.  
  
Wonwoo, as of the moment, is the object of affection of their old friend Mingyu, who has been crushing on him since high school. Now that they’re in college, Mingyu has been dropping not so subtle hints that he likes Wonwoo.  
  
“Shut up. Better step up Kwon, or you might just lose the fish that’s already hooked.” Wonwoo teased back.  
_

_Rowoon laughed when he saw Soonyoung’s face. When Wonwoo was gone, he engulf Soonyoung in a hug.  
_

_“So I’m already hooked, huh?”  
  
“No, I didn’t say that. Don’t listen to Wonwoo.” Soonyoung argued. _

_Rowoon, however, didn’t mind. He knows it’s the truth. He just hopes that Soonyoung feels the same.  
  
After the dinner party, Rowoon asked Soonyoung to walk with him for a while. He wanted to give Soonyoung’s gift for a while now, but couldn’t find the right timing. Soonyoung wanted to go star gazing, but the sky was dark without any trace of stars.  
  
The park was dark. There was also loud construction sounds that can be heard from a nearby site, not to mention it smelled like crap. Rowoon sigh, so much for a romantic walk, he thought. They were sitting on a bench when Soonyoung spoke.  
  
“Ru, I have something to tell you.”_

_  
“Go on.”_

_  
“I don’t want to fall in love with you.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
Rowoon’s heart flinched upon hearing Soonyoung’s words. He thought Soonyoung felt the same way, apparently, he was wrong. _

_When Soonyoung saw Rowoon’s face, he realized his mistake._

_“Hear me out before you make assumptions, please.” Soonyoung pleaded. Rowoon just looked at him, so Soonyoung continued. “I am scared.”_

_  
“I will never hurt you, Soonyoung.”  
  
“I know that. You are the most trustworthy person I have ever known. You make me feel so loved it scares me. I don’t want to burden you with my baggage. I don’t want to scare you away with my condition. It’s not always pretty. But I have learned to cope with it. Wonwoo helped a lot. But I see how much strain I put on Wonwoo. He barely has time for himself.” Soonyoung explained._

_  
“I don’t think Wonwoo minds though. He cares a lot about you.”  
  
“I know he doesn’t, which just makes it worst. I don’t want him to constantly worry about me. I want him to live his life for himself, instead of just taking care of me.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“I don’t think that’s something that Wonwoo will be able to do. He loves you, Soonyoung. Worrying is not something a person who cares about you can stop doing.”  
  
“I don’t want to put you through all that. I’m scared that, if it gets too much, you’ll leave me.” Soonyoung pleaded._

_  
“I’m not going anywhere. There’s nothing much that can scare me to leaving you.” Rowoon reasoned.  
  
“People leave. Even when they say they won’t, they leave.” Soonyoung snapped._

_  
“I won’t. I promise.”_

_  
“But-“  
  
“No. stop. I know what you’re trying to say but I won’t let you. I won’t let you hurt _ _both of us over things that are beyond your control. I’m not going anywhere Kwon Soonyoung-ssi. I’m in this for the long haul. I know I haven’t really been vocal about my feelings, but that’s because I’m trying to respect the space you’ve establish. I thought you were only trying to protect yourself. I didn’t think that it was also the other way around. Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need you to protect me from yourself. Please afford me the same respect that I have given you. Respect my right to make a decision for myself. Please, don’t decide for me.” Rowoon pleaded.  
  
“I’m sorry. That’s not what I’m trying to do.”_

_  
“Oh come on, you think I don’t know how your mind works? You were going to break this off, whatever this is, because you’re afraid that I might run away. You didn’t even ask me if I want that or not. My choice matters too, doesn’t it?” Rowoon asked._

_  
“Of course, it does!”_

_  
“Then stop thinking that way. I am not going anywhere Kwon Soonyoung-ssi, and it’s because I choose to stay.”_

_  
“Ruru..”_

_Rowoon sighed._

_  
“This is not the confession that I had planned nor pictured. This place is hardly romantic. There are no stars nor lights to help with the ambience. There’s no romantic music playing. The only sound audible are the ones from that construction site._ _Plus, I don’t know if it’s just me but it smells like crap here. But here goes nothing. I’m in love with you, Kwon Soonyoung. Please don’t take away my choice to love you, all of you, not just the part that’s easy and beautiful but also the baggage and burdens that you carry. Let me love you in a way that_ you deserve and so much more. Let me do things for you instead of just making promises. Let me stay with you, my love, there’s no other place I’d rather be.” Rowoon said.  
 _  
“Ruru..” Soonyoung was scared. He was scared that Rowoon will leave him. But when he tried to picture Rowoon walking away, it was scarier than the thought of being hurt.  
  
“If you don’t feel the same way, I understand. I am more than willing to stay as a friend. We can forget this night completely and–” But before Rowoon could finished his sentence Soonyoung kissed him. _

_It was their first kiss. Time stopped when their lips met. Rowoon’s heart pounded in his chests as his knees got weaker. The lack of ambience, stars, the loud sound from the construction, and the crappy smell, all disappeared into oblivion. Soonyoung was kissing Rowoon. Soonyoung feels the same way, and that’s all that matters, Rowoon thought.  
They were out of breath when they separated, but arms still tangled around each other.  
  
“I love you.” Soonyoung finally said. “I still have a lot of things to tell you, to.. but I love you Rowoon. I don’t want to stay friends, because I want to be with you for real. There is no place I’d rather be than beside you, if you’ll have me.”_

_  
Rowoon felt over the moon. He was rooted in the moment. When he looked_ _at Soonyoung eyes, everything in their less than perfect place became perfect. Every breath he took smelled like Soonyoung. He answered Soonyoung with a kiss, pouring all his love into their little perfect moment. They walked home when they were able to finally stop kissing. Hand in hand, they walk in the clouds._

_“There were no stars tonight.” Soonyoung broke the silence._

_“So, that was your plan for your one great confession?” Soonyoung teased._   
  
_Rowoon laugh at Soonyoung’s petulant tone._

  
_“Well, I could have done a lot better but you scared me with your talks of leaving.” Rowoon answered._

  
_“So, you only confessed because you were scared that I was leaving you?” Soonyoung genuinely asked._   
  
_“No, I confessed because I have been wanting to do that since the first time I saw you begging Wonwoo for coffee. But I wanted to do it right. I wanted to create the perfect moment.”_   
  
_“Yeah, you should have prepared a romantic dinner of samgak-gimbap and cola in a rooftop somewhere overlooking the city. Then sing me a self-written song or something.” Soonyoung teased Rowoon who laughed at the suggestion._   
  
_“Is that your weird confession fantasy Kwon Soonyoung-ssi?”_

  
_“I don’t know. I just saw that picture in my head and it seemed perfect.”_   
  
_Rowoon let go of Soonyoung hand and stopped walking. He snaked his arms around Soonyoung’s waist and pulled the smaller boy closer. He then rested his forehead over Soonyoung’s. He then swayed their bodies side to side in a slow dance._   
  
_“First, I think I can afford more than a samgak-gimbap from a convenient store. Second, rather than on a rooftop, I actually planned to confess in our beach house overlooking the sea with the moon and stars as our witness.” Rowoon said._   
  
_He released Soonyoung from his embrace, twirled him once and pulled him again towards him. “As for the song, I’m no great singer but your wish is my command Soonyoung-ssi..” Still swaying to the non-existent music Rowoon began to sing._   
  
_“Twinkle, twinkle little star... how I wonder what you are? Up above the world so high.. Like a diamond in the sky... Twinkle, twinkle little star.. Soon, I love you.. You have my heart.“_

**Rowoon’s Account**

**Soonyoung’s Private Account**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	26. Rowoon’s Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

Rowoon continued singing in a hush tone while he held Soonyoung in his arms. He continued tracing circles on Soonyoung’s back, until the latter’s sobs finally subsided and slowly his breathing became normal. He waited for Soonyoung to speak first.  
  
“Ruru?”

  
“Hey love, I’m here.”

  
“Please, don’t leave me.” Soonyoung pleaded.

  
“I will never leave you. Never.”

  
“I’m sorry-“  
  
“No, don’t apologize. There’s nothing to apologize for. It’s going to be okay.” Rowoon was getting worried. Soonyoung hasn’t been having attacks these severe for the past year. He was getting better in coping with his anxiety, especially after therapy.  
  
“Why don’t we take a shower? I’m all sweaty Soonie, want to join me?” He teased Soonyoung to lighten the mood.

To his surprise, the other boy declined the offer. They have been together for more than a year, and Soonyoung refusing to shower together is unheard of.  
  
“No, thank you. You go ahead. I’ll just..” Soonyoung said as he stood up and sat on the couch to gaze out the window, still lost in thought.

  
Rowoon sigh and went to his boyfriend. He knelt before him and held both his hand.

“Soons? You know I’m always here right? I’m always willing to listen to whatever that’s on your mind.”

  
“I know.” Soonyoung said, somewhat irritated at his boyfriend.  
  
“But sometimes I feel like-” But before he can finish what he was trying to say, Soonyoung interrupted him.

  
“I just need some time alone, Rowoon. Can’t you give me that?” Soonyoung snapped.  
  
“Oh okay, love. I’m sorry. I’ll leave you be.” Rowoon saw Soonyoung’s panicked face when he mentioned leaving and immediately corrected himself.

“I meant I’m leaving the room to take a shower, okay? I’m here, love. I’m not going anywhere. I love you. Please, while you think about stuff, think of me because I’ll definitely be thinking of you in the shower.” Rowoon wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and mischievously smiled.

It illicit a smile from Soonyoung. Finally, he thought.  
  
“I’m telling you, Babes, you’re giving up an opportunity to ogle at all of this sexiness.” Rowoon said gesturing to his body. This time Soonyoung laughed.

Soonyoung ended up joining Rowoon in the shower. Rowoon convinced him to visit his doctor that morning. He felt scared. If this continues, he might drive Rowoon away. He even snapped at him that morning. Luckily, Rowoon was patient with him. 

He’s usually tells Rowoon everything, but this time he can’t, because he doesn’t know it himself. He’s been having this recurring dream but he can’t remember if it’s just something that he saw somewhere or if it was a memory he’d forgotten. This morning, he saw the building more clearly. It was an old building with the number 1902 engraved at the very top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	27. Jihoon’s Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

After his talk with Wonwoo, Jihoon found himself standing outside Hurricane Studios. He didn’t want to go home to an empty apartment. He felt Soonyoung getting further and further away from him, and being in this place is the only way he can feel close to the other. It was Soonyoung’s dream, and he’s glad he finally realized it.

He thought about what Wonwoo told him, about Soonyoung losing his memories. He did not fully believe it yet. He even named his studio Hurricane, the same title of the song that they first wrote together as a couple before he left for his scholarship.

He terribly missed him. He missed their late-night sessions in the studio. Soonyoung just being there, playing on his phone or doing weird stuff on his laptop. He missed how he taught Soonyoung who was technologically challenged, how the programs he used for producing worked. He missed falling asleep on the couch of his studio, which was small but perfect for cuddling. He missed the butterfly kisses he used to give him. He just missed everything about Soonyoung.

He thought about the night he decided to leave the other boy. It was the hardest decision he had to make. He didn’t know if he regretted leaving or not. But knowing what Soonyoung went through, he wished he at least said good bye.

  
He wished he’d been stronger to say goodbye. But he doubted himself. He doubted if he could let go of Soonyoung if he gave himself a chance to say goodbye.

**_FLASHBACK_ **

💬 **Jihoon / Seungcheol**

💬 **Jihoon / Wonwoo**

💬 **Jihoon / Seungcheol**

_That very same night, Jihoon packed his bags to go back home. He needed to see for himself. He needed to check that Soonyoung is doing fine. He booked a flight the very same night. After a thirteen-hour flight, he asked Seungcheol to fetch him at the airport._  
  
_“Ji!” Seungcheol hugged him. “Is this even a good idea?”_

  
_“Did you tell anyone?” Jihoon asked, fatigued evident on his face._

  
_“No, you told me not to.”_

_  
“Take me to Soonyoung.”  
  
Jihoon spent the week watching Soonyoung, as the latter worked despite being exhausted. Soonyoung’s transformation shocked him. His bubbly boyfriend looked gaunt and stressed. Gone are the adorable cheeks he loved so much.  
  
He wanted nothing more but to embrace and tell the other boy to stop; that he was there now, and he can rest. But Seungcheol’s words echoed in his mind.  
  
“I don’t think your relationship is making both of you a better version of yourselves. You’re here in the middle of the semester, while Soonyoung hardly goes to class just to be able to work. It’s becoming destructive, Ji.” Seungcheol said.  
  
He's right, Jihoon thought. Being with him is destroying Soonyoung. It made him gave up his dreams, and now even his health. Jihoon felt that he didn’t deserve it.  
  
But most of all, he wants nothing more but Soonyoung’s happiness but the latter has given that up for him. It was that thought that pushed him to make the decision that he didn’t know he’ll regret later.  
_

_“You’re leaving?” Seungcheol asked him._

_“Yes.”_

_  
“But you’re already here, maybe you can talk to Soonyoung about focusing more on himself. He just needs assurance, Jihoon. He misses you a lot.”_

_  
“I don’t think I can leave if I see him again.” Jihoon said.  
  
“What are you saying?” Seungcheol asked him. _

_“Just don’t tell anyone I was here. Promise me.”_

_“But—”_

_  
“No, promise me Hyung. Please...”_

_  
“Okay...” Seungcheol promised his bestfriend.  
  
“Bye Hyung. Please take care of Soonyoung for me. Thank you for everything.” Jihoon gave Seungcheol a hug and left._

_  
“Wait—” Seungcheol tried to stop Jihoon, but the latter already walked away.  
_  
_On the plane, Jihoon cried. Soonyoung was the love of his life. The person he wanted to keep forever. But being with him was destroying the other boy. He knew then that there was only one thing left to do to save the other, and that is to let go._  
  
_Goodbye was the only option he had left, and he’ll gladly give it if it means Soonyoung would be okay. He’d do anything for Soonyoung to be healthy, to be safe, and to be happy._

_**End of Flashback** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	28. Seungcheol’s Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SEUNGCHEOL**

  
Seungcheol was worried. He and Hanie had been together for eight years and not once did he deliberately lie to Jeonghan about something this big. He was the only one who knew about Jihoon coming back home to check on Soonyoung. 

It was after that particular trip that Jihoon disappeared on them. He lived with the guilt that maybe it was his words that pushed Jihoon to leave Soonyoung. But he promised Jihoon, and he was a man who honors his words.  
  
Jeonghan arrived earlier than expected, still in full make up. He had a shoot that day and looked exhausted but still beautiful. Whenever Seungcheol sees Jeonghan, he still can’t believe that he agreed to be with him. He’s ethereal.  
  
“Hey baby, tired? I prepared you a hot bath. You can go relax first before Jihoon arrives.” Seungcheol said while he walked towards Jeonghan. He gave Jeonghan a tight hug. He was afraid. He knew that his boyfriend will be mad at him.  
  
He was afraid what this secret will do to their relationship. Jeonghan did not return the hug, but instead went straight to the bathroom.

  
Jihoon arrived while Jeonghan was changing.  
  
“Hello hyung... I’m sorry for intruding. I know you’re both tired.” Jihoon awkwardly stood by the door holding different paper bags.

  
“Come in. What are those?” Seungcheol helped him with the bags and placed them in the kitchen.

  
“I didn’t know what you guys like, so I bought different kinds of food. There’s sushi, burger, steak, and Chinese food.” Jihoon sneaked a glance at Jeonghan who was currently quietly browsing his phone .  
  
“Babes? Dinner?” Seungcheol asked Jeonghan from the kitchen but the latter just kept quiet.

  
“Maybe we should... have dinner later...” Seungcheol quietly said and went beside Jeonghan. He gestured Jihoon to do the same, who nervously sat on the couch.  
  
“Hanie-bunny?” Seungcheol used the term of endearment they only ever use in the bedroom. Hearing it made Jeonghan look at Seungcheol. Finally, Seungcheol thought.

“Spill.” Jeonghan finally said a word.

  
Seungcheol looked at Jihoon who nodded to confirm that he was okay with it. So, Seungcheol told him his side of the story, about telling Jihoon about Soonyoung working to point of exhaustion, about the giving up the scholarship, giving up the competition and about Jihoon coming home to check on Soonyoung. After he was done, without saying anything, Jeonghan stood up and went to their bedroom.

  
“Sh*t.” Seungcheol cursed.  
  
“Hyung, I’m sorry. Now I’ve put you in an awkward situation.”

  
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I was the one who made the choice to keep quiet. Even when I saw how Soonyoung was having a difficult time, I still chose to shut my mouth. I thought he could move on, and forget about you. I didn’t know how deep the wounds were until...” Seungcheol let the silence finish his sentence. He couldn’t make himself say the words out loud.  
  
“It’s not your fault, hyung.”

  
“I keep thinking, what if I just told Soonyoung the real reason why you left? What if I told him that you came home? Would things have ended differently? Soonyoung wouldn’t feel so distraught, and unwanted. He wouldn’t have...”  
  
Seungcheol sigh in frustration. He knew Jeonghan was probably trying to absorb what they’ve just told him.

  
“Hyung, I want to tell Soonyoung.”

  
“Tell Soonyoung what?”

  
“I want to tell him a-about his forgotten memories... about us.” Jihoon supplied.  
  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jihoon-ah”

“I don’t think it’s right to be keeping things from him!” Jihoon snapped.

  
"And you think forcing him to remember you will be a better option?” Jeonghan argued. They didn’t realize that Jeonghan stood by the door observing and listening to their conversation.

  
“They’re called repressed memories for reason, Jihoon. Soonyoung forgot those memories to protect himself. You might not understand the implication of that, but I do. I was the one who found him, remember?” Jeonghan spat. “Don’t be selfish, Jihoon.”  
  
“I’m not doing this for myself. I know Soonyoung, I know he won’t appreciate you guys lying to him!” Jihoon bellowed. He stood up and went to the window in anger. “I know you think I’m doing this because I want him back. But you kept forgetting the fact that I loved him too. Yes, I did what I did but it was difficult for me too. He wasn’t the only one in pain, I was too. I did it all for him. I want his memories back so he can have a choice, because that’s one thing that I haven’t afforded him back then and that’s something that I will regret for the rest of my life. And you’re doing it all again!” Jihoon clenched his fist in anger.

They wouldn’t understand, he thought. His world fell apart a long time ago, and he was left in the darkness with a tiny window to bring a little bit of light, but even that window is now closing.

  
Jeonghan and Seungcheol kept quiet, so he continued.

  
“Why do you guys think so low of me? That I’d jeopardize Soonyoung’s well being for my own. All the things I have done, they were all for him. Sure, I made mistakes along the way but everything I did was never intended to hurt him. I never intended to hurt him. There was never a moment in my life that’s not about Soonyoung. Letting him go, was the most painful.. it was unbearable...”  


**FLASHBACK**

  
_Jihoon couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed. It had been a week since he came back but all his bags were still unpacked. He was still wearing the same clothes he was wearing days ago. There were bottles of Soju strewed all over his room._   
  
_His breakfast, lunch, and dinner consisted of Soju and kimchi. He looked pale from over drinking. He knew he was heading to a destructive path but he couldn’t find the strength to stand back up again. He heard a knock on the door, it must be his housemate Daniel._   
_  
“Jihoon-ah? Soonyoung called again. Aren’t you going to return his calls?” Daniel asked him through the door. He ignored him. He took his phone and for the first time in a week charged it. When he turned it on, it was flooded by messages from his friends._   
  
_They were all asking if he was okay and to text them back. But if he did, he knew he’d find himself asking about Soonyoung and he couldn’t do that. He needs to let go. He was the reason why Soonyoung gave up his dream.  
  
He was the reason why Soonyoung is currently working himself to exhaustion. He needed to vanish from his life, maybe that’ll put Soonyoung back on track. But he can’t do that with his friends constantly texting him, because he isn’t as strong as he pretends to be.  
  
He’ll always be curious and ask his friends about Soonyoung, then it’ll lead to him talking to Soonyoung, and the next thing you know he’s back in Soonyoung’s life destroying it. He couldn’t have that, so he did what he thought was best for the situation.  
  
He blocked all of them from his phone, social media accounts, and every thing else connecting him to them. For Soonyoung, there is no pain he’ll not accept.  
_

**End of Flashback**

“Jihoon-ah...” He was brought back from his reverie by Jeonghan’s voice. “Intended or not, for whatever reason, you still hurt him. Your pain does not cancel that out. Yeah, we don’t know anything about what you’ve been through. But that’s not going to be on us, because you were the one who shut us out. You also took our choice away.”

Jeonghan calmly continued.

  
“You think you have the right to decide on what’s good for Soonyoung just because you loved him once in your life. But you walked out on him, no matter what the reason is, you still walked out on him. You gave up the right a long time ago. Wonwoo told me, how you pushed him away on a rainy night, when he was on his knees begging you. Wonwoo told me just how badly you treated Soonyoung that night, when you could have just said a simple goodbye.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	29. Jeonghan’s Recollection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

  
**FLASHBACK**

  
_A month after Jihoon stopped returning any of their calls, Wonwoo couldn’t take it anymore. Soonyoung was condition was getting worst. He completely stopped going to school. He barely leaves his bed. He was always in a fetal position staring into nothingness, like he’s holding himself together. He asked Jeonghan for help. At that time, he was the only one among his friends who was working and was earning enough. He needed Jeonghan’s help if he was going to take Soonyoung away from this hell hole, but Jeonghan had other ideas._   
  
****

**Wonwoo/Jeonghan**

****

****

_  
A week after their conversation, Wonwoo was able to convinced Soonyoung to go. Joshua helped Wonwoo arranged for the accommodations and everything else._

_They stayed at a simple and cheap hotel, because it was the only one that they could afford, most of their money went to paying for their airfare. They also packed lots of instant noodles just in case food was expensive. They had one goal in mind, it was to talk to Jihoon.  
_

_Wonwoo tried to call Jihoon’s apartment but someone else answered the phone._

_Apparently, Jihoon and his housemate moved to somewhere. So, they had no choice but to wait for Jihoon outside his school.  
  
Wonwoo fixed Soonyoung’s jacket. The weather was getting colder and they were waiting outside Jihoon’s school. Soonyoung was getting physically drained. It was not helping that they were living on instant noodles and a cold room, since the heater was broken. Soonyoung also refused to take a rest._

**Wonwoo’s Twitter Post**

__

_It was on their third day that they get a small glimpse of Jihoon. He was wearing a shirt and slides despite the weather._

_  
“Jihoon-ah!” Wonwoo called him but Jihoon just continued walking._

_Soonyoung just stared at the boy until he disappeared into their school.  
  
“Hey, are you okay?” Wonwoo continued to reassure his bestfriend when he saw his devastated expression. “Hey, I’m sure he didn’t hear me. We’ll wait for him here until he comes out. We’re not going to give up. Soon? Are you still with me?”  
  
Soonyoung just continued staring at the door where Jihoon disappeared._

_  
“He saw me Won, but he ignored me.” Soonyoung cried. "Why did he ignore me?_ _Doesn't he love me anymore?"  
_

_Wonwoo didn't have answers, so he kept quiet.  
  
Wonwoo brought Soonyoung to their hotel to rest, while he went out again to wait for Jihoon outside their school. He was standing in the cold when he saw Daniel._

_  
“Daniel-ssi? I’m sorry but you’re Daniel, right?” Wonwoo asked._

_“Yes, and you are?”  
  
“Hi! I’m Wonwoo. I’m a friend of Jihoon. I was just wondering where he is today. We’ve been trying to find him for days now. We went to your old apartment but the old lady there said you moved.” Wonwoo explained to a confuse Daniel._

_  
“Uh, yeah. Jihoon needed a bigger place for all his equipment, so we decided to move.” Daniel nonchalantly answered._

_  
“We?” Wonwoo asked, but before Daniel could answer Wonwoo asked. “Can you tell Jihoon we’re here? Or can I have the address to your new place? I’m sorry I know I’m being forward and rude but Soonyoung is here and we’re kind of desperate to see Jihoon.” Wonwoo explained._

_  
“I’ll have to ask Jihoonie first.” “Please Daniel, we’re desperate.”  
  
“I have to ask Jihoon first, okay? Anyways, I have to go. I promise I’ll tell Jihoon.” Daniel said as he walked away.  
_

_Wonwoo watched as Daniel walked away. He didn’t notice that Soonyoung watched the whole exchange and followed the other boy.  
  
When Wonwoo got back at the hotel, he was shocked to find Soonyoung gone. Soonyoung finally got back in the morning._

_  
“Yah! Where have you been?” Wonwoo asked a disheveled Soonyoung. “I told you to rest. You promised_ _me before we came here that you’d take better care of yourself!”_

_“Wonwoo, I’m tired.”_

_  
“Idiot! You’ve been sleeping for two to three hours at most every day, it’s going to take a toll on your body. That’s why I told you to rest!”  
  
“I went to Jihoon’s house.” Soonyoung revealed dejectedly. He laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling, tears falling, he did his best not to make a sound._

_  
“Soon, what happened?”  
  
“I saw him. I was standing at the other side of the street. He saw me, then he shut the door.” This time, Soonyoung let out a loud sob. There was nothing that Wonwoo could do but lie down and hold his best friend in his arms as he fell asleep crying.  
  
They didn’t see Jihoon for the next days, despite waiting for him at school and even at his place. Nobody answered no matter how much he knocked. Wonwoo was getting pissed at Jihoon. How difficult was it for him to face them? They were supposed to be friends.  
  
It was their last night and still haven’t had the chance to talk to Jihoon. They waited under the pouring rain, taking shelter at a nearby bus stop when they saw Jihoon and Daniel walked out of an old school building with 1902 carved on the top.  
  
They were sharing an umbrella across the street, waiting for a cab, when Daniel leaned closer and brushed away Jihoon’s fringe. He leaned in closer and kissed Jihoon, who kissed him back on his tip toes. The look like lovers in a romantic movie.  
  
It was a perfect scene, if it weren't for the one behind him, his bestfriend's heart was breaking.  
_

_Wonwoo wasn’t able to stop Soonyoung, when the latter run across the street in the pouring and grabbed Jihoon by the arm._

_“How could you?!” He screamed at the smaller boy. “What have I ever done to you for you to hurt me this much? I’m.. I.. I don’t know who you are anymore.” Soonyoung cried._

_  
“Let go of him, Soonyoung-ssi.” Daniel warned. He was still holding Jihoon by the waist.  
  
“I’m not talking to you!” Soonyoung screamed and refused to let go of Jihoon.  
_

_“It’s okay Dan, why don’t you go wait in the building?” Jihoon said to Daniel which infuriated Soonyoung. Jihoon still hasn’t look at Soonyoung, not even a glance.  
  
“Look at me! Look at me Lee Jihoon! Why don’t you look at me!? I’m here. I’m here. Hoonie... Please... just look at me. Even for just a second, look me in the eye. I’m still here, am I not? Please look at me... Please don’t leave me...”  
  
Soonyoung was already on his knees but still holding on to Jihoon. He cried as he begged for Jihoon just to look at him. Wonwoo couldn’t help but cry as he watch his best friend begged for Jihoon to just acknowledge that he was there.  
  
But Jihoon refused to even glance at Soonyoung for even just a second. Instead, the smaller boy grabbed Soonyoung’s hand that was holding his arm and pushed him away. Soonyoung was pushed to the ground.  
  
Wonwoo ran towards Soonyoung who was already scrambling to follow Jihoon. He stopped Soonyoung from going after Jihoon._

_  
“Soonie, stop... please stop... Let’s go home.” Wonwoo cried as he held Soonyoung. “Please, let’s stop this. Don’t beg someone who doesn’t deserve you. Let’s go home, Soonie.” He pleaded his best friend. Both of them, still sitting on the ground, cried in each other’s arms while the rain washed away their tears.  
_

**End of Flashback**

  
“Wonwoo told me. He told me how Soonyoung was begging you to look at him. He wasn’t begging you to stay, to love him again, or to talk to him. He begged you to look at him. How cruel can you be? He was on his knees begging for just a glance and you pushed him away. You didn’t even treat him as a person. You made him feel like garbage, and disposed of him in the cruelest way possible. That’s why he felt so worthless, he tried to end everything thrice! Now, do you understand why he erased you from his mind? Because you did it to him in most cruel way possible. He was in front of you, yet you did not acknowledge him, his pain, and you want him to remember? You want him to remember that? You want him to remember how the person who was supposed to love him and take care of him, reduced him to nothing in the pouring rain. You didn't even afford him the tiniest bit of dignity, Jihoon-ah. He didn't deserve that kind of humiliation. He didn't deserve that kind of cruelty, especially from you." Jeonghan cried.

Jeonghan cried for his friend.  
  
“Hyung...”

  
“Get out. I told you before, this patching up or whatever this is, is over once you involve Soonyoung.” Jeonghan snapped.  
  
“Babes..” Seungcheol tried to intervene.

But Jeonghan made up his mind. He needed to protect Soonyoung. He felt guilty since he wasn’t able to do that before. He even pushed Soonyoung to go after Jihoon, which only hurt Soonyoung even more.  
  
“No, Seungcheol. If you still want to talk to him, either talk to him on the phone or get out of my f*ck*ng house.”

  
“Jeonghan... I know you’re mad but please don’t be rude.” Seungcheol cautioned. He was getting irritated at his boyfriend for acting that way.  
  
“It’s okay, hyung. I’m leaving. I’m sorry if I caused you trouble.” Jihoon said while he walked to the door to leave.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him, hyung. You have to believe me. Everyday, I regret leaving him that way. I love him, hyung. Take care.”  
  
Jihoon slowly opened the door and with one last look at the couple, left.

  
“Why were you so cruel Yoon Jeonghan?” Seunghceol quietly asked his boyfriend.

  
“Why did you lie Choi Seungcheol?” Jeonghan retorted.

  
“I did not lie! I just didn’t tell you.”  
  
“It’s exactly the same thing. A lie by omission is still a lie. Sleep on the couch, I want to be alone.” And just like that Jeonghan went to their bedroom and shut the door.

  
Seuncheol felt his stomach churn from nervousness. It wasn’t like them to let a fight fester, but he was scared that if he goes after Jeonghan, they’d say more hurtful things to each other.  
  
He sat on the couch and turned on the television. He stared at the movie playing, his mind completely terrified of what’s to come in the morning.  
  
Jeonghan, on other hand, sat by the door and waited for Seungcheol to come after him. He usually doesn’t walk out in a fight, both preferred to lash it out instead of letting it fester, but he didn’t want to say more hurtful things.  
  
They both did things that caused pain to Soonyoung, and the guilt was eating him up. He also felt hurt that Seungcheol would keep something like this from him.  
  
They weren’t married or anything, but they promised to always be honest with each other. It made him wonder what other secrets Seungcheol is keeping from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	30. Mingyu’s Dinner Plans

**MINGYU**

It was the day that Mingyu was going to introduce Wonwoo to his parents. His parents were in town visiting him that day, and he planned the whole day ahead. He was going to tour his parents around the city, and bring him to his favorite places.  
  
Then at dinner he was going to introduce Wonwoo as his boyfriend. They already agreed with the time and place. Wonwoo booked a restaurant where they can have their own private dining rooms. Mingyu wasn’t sure how his father would take the news.

**Mingyu / Wonwoo**

**Mingyu Instagram Post**

Mingyu was happy despite the lapses in their conversation. He knew Wonwoo’s busy taking care of school and Soonyoung. He didn’t know how his boyfriend does it.  
  
Being a dean’s lister was not an easy feat, especially in law school but Wonwoo manages it with ease. He then went on to prepare for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙


	31. A Trip to the Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am not a licensed psychologist and do not claim to be knowledgeable regarding the topic of repressed memories and anxiety, so please forgive me if there are any lapses with anything in the story that touches such areas. Although I tried to read about it as much as I can, there might be lapses and mistakes in my comprehension. In which case, I implore for your understanding. Thank you!

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo stopped the car in front of Rowoon’s gated house. He was got off the car and was about to press the doorbell when Soonyoung opened the gate.

  
“Let’s go!” Soonyoung said. He was pale and nerves were evident on his face.  
  
“Yah! Kwon Soonyoung! Where’s my good bye?” Rowoon yelled from the door.

“Bye!” Soonyoung replied.

  
“Yah! Do it properly!” Rowoon refused to let Soonyoung go without so much as a kiss. He felt that he needed the assurance from the other boy.

He still hadn’t gotten over the fact that Soonyoung called out Jihoon’s name.

  
“I’m sorry, love.” Soonyoung gave Rowoon a proper kiss.

Soonyoung was surprised when Rowoon wrapped his arms around Soonyoung’s waist and tightly held on to Soonyoung.  
  
He didn’t want to let go of the boy. He didn’t want to let go of Soonyoung despite the uncertainties that they will face if ever Soonyoung regain his memories. He also didn’t want to face the fact that he knew and chose not to tell Soonyoung about it.  
  
It what scares him the most. He didn’t know if at the end of the day, Soonyoung would still love him or the memories of the past will drive that love away.

  
“Ruru, I gotto go, okay?” Soonyoung tried to get out of Rowoon’s embrace but the latter just held on tighter.

“I love you. I love you so much Kwon Soonyoung-ssi.” Rowoon cried. “Please, whatever happens don’t leave me. I love you.”

  
“Baby, what’s wrong? What’s wrong love?” Soonyoung worriedly ask as he tried to make Rowoon look at him.  
  
"Nothing. I just wanted to tell you that.” Rowoon said as he let go of the other. He tried to arrange his face into an assuring smile but failed.  
  
“Aigoo. Ruru, I’m sure this is nothing. It’s probably just stress, don’t worry, okay? I’m not going to leave you. I don’t think I have the ability to live without you. I don’t want to.” Soonyoung said. Rowoon kissed him in a way that’s not entirely innocent.  
  
“If you’re going to make out the whole day, please do it in the privacy of your bedroom.” Wonwoo interrupted their make out session. “Is this the way you guys separate on a normal day? You guys are whipped.”

  
“Please take care of my beloved, Won.” Rowoon joked.  
  
“Okay, let’s go!”

Soonyoung was about to dive into another kiss when Wonwoo pulled him.

“No you don’t! Come on or we’ll be late.” Wonwoo said as he grabbed Soonyoung and pulled him towards the car.

Soonyoung pouted at not having his last kiss and Rowoon laughed at the face. Soonyoung got in the car.

  
Soonyoung opened the window and wave at Rowoon, still pouting. Rowoon was really whipped, because the next thing he did was ran to the car and kissed Soonyoung by the window.

  
“Oh my God! We’re only going to be gone for a couple of hours. Seriously!” Wonwoo complained.  
  
“Okay, okay.” Rowoon laughed. “I love you.”

  
“I love you too.” Soonyoung answered. When they finally drove off, Wonwoo breathe a sigh of relief.

  
“I’m sorry Wonu.” Soonyoung bashfully said.  
  
“It’s okay, Soons. It’s not like I don’t always subject you to Mingyu’s clinginess.”

  
“I’m sorry if I’m taking your time again. I know today’s a special day, but here you are acting as my chauffeur again.”

  
“Hey! I prefer the term best friend.” Wonwoo replied. But he continued when he saw Soonyoung’s face.

“Hey! Stop it. I’m doing this because I want to. I love you Soons. This is the least I can do for you.”

  
They were in the middle of the road when Soonyoung asked a question.  
  
“Won, why did you never tell me?” Soonyoung asked out of nowhere. Wonwoo almost crashed the car when he heard the question.

  
“Are you seriously asking that when I’m driving?”

  
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I’m just curious.” Soonyoung said.

“It’s because I love you. It’s simple as that. I just want you to be happy and safe. I didn’t need you to love me back because my heart was full just looking at you smile, even if I’m not the reason. I know back then you only had eyes for Jihoon.”  
  
“Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked. “You make it sound like it was one great love, when it was nothing more than a crush. I don’t remember much about Jihoon leaving. I remember how we were, when we were kids. But everything else becomes fuzzy.”  
  
Wonwoo belatedly realized his mistake.

  
“Well, we were kids so a crush equates to that, for kids. Anyways, let’s stop with the embarrassing questions, please. As for Jihoon, he left when we were in college and we lost touch. That’s it. I don’t remember that much too. We’re here!” Wonwoo breathe a sigh of relief.

Soonyoung’s memory was a mess. He really didn’t know what Soonyoung remembers or not. Most of the time Soonyoung would just mention something new that he thought the other has forgotten. It’s like everyday for the past year, Soonyoung’s mind is repairing itself or more like preparing himself for the moment that he completely regains his memory.

  
“I’m nervous.”

  
Wonwoo reached out for Soonyoung’s hand and held them tightly. “Don’t be. Whatever happens, I’m here. We’re in this together.”

  
Reassured, they walked hand in hand towards the hospital where Joshua was already waiting for them.

  
**ROWOON**

  
Rowoon spent the better part of the morning going through paper work, but his mind is elsewhere. But no matter how much he tried to concentrate, his thoughts go back to Soonyoung. 

He wasn’t sure what’s going to happen. If Soonyoung regains his memory, does that mean his feelings for Jihoon will also return? Then, what’s going to happen to him? Would he hate them for keeping something as important as this from him?  
  
Would he understand when they explain that it was for his protection? He didn’t know the answer to these questions, he only knew one thing and that is he can’t lose Soonyoung.

** SOONYOUNG **

Soonyoung stood nervously outside his doctor’s office. Joshua and Wonwoo were there as moral support.

  
“Hey Soons, it’s nothing to be nervous about. I’m sure the headaches are just tension headaches. I’m sure the doctor can prescribe something for the pain.” Joshua assured him.

But Soonyoung wasn’t worried about the headache, it was common occurrence in his life especially as he was diagnosed with anxiety.  
  
He usually suffers headaches during stressful times or when he lacks sleep. What he’s more worried about were the dreams. He hadn’t told anyone about them. He was worried because it was becoming clearer.  
  
He was worried because when he wakes up from the dream, he feels distraught and it triggers his anxiety. It feels real and it takes a while before he can bring himself back to reality.  
  
The doctor’s secretary signaled that it was their turn. Wonwoo gave Soonyoung a brief hug.

  
“Hey, it’s going to be okay. We’ll be waiting here for you.”

“Thank you.”

Soonyoung was greeted by his doctor with a smile.

“Hey, how are you Soonyoung? We’re meeting earlier than expected. Is everything alright?”

  
“Doc Haneul, I’m doing fine. Uhmm... I...” Haneul noticed Soonyoung’s hesitation.  
  
The doctor gestured for Soonyoung to sit more comfortably and offered him mango flavored candy.

  
“Hey, take you time Soonyoung. Here, you said during our past sessions that you always felt better when you eat mango flavored food, so I prepared these candies for you. I hope they taste good.” Haneul said with a smile.

  
“Oh wow! Thank you. They tastes like artificial flavoring.” Soonyoung realized he just criticized the candy that the doctor kindly prepared for him.

  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it out loud.”

  
“It’s okay, Soonyoung. It still amazed me how comforted you are with mango flavored things.”

  
“I think it’s because of Rowoon. He offered me mango smoothie the first time I met him and I don’t know, he always reminds me of healing. Wonwoo always felt like home, but even if you’re home sometimes it still feels like there’s this wound that refuses to heal. When I met Rowoon, I forgot about it. I forgot that ache here.” Soonyoung gestured to his chest near his heart. “But now it’s starting again. I don’t know. I know it’s in my head, but I can’t stop it.”

  
“Why do you think it started? The ache?”  
  
“Well, I’ve been having these dreams. I’ve dreamt about them before, after I woke up from the comma. But it went away. Now, I’ve been having them every night. I wake up and it feels so real. It takes me a while before I realize it was just a dream. I wake up drenched in sweat, and I feel cold because of the rain.” Soonyoung shuddered thinking about the memory of the dream.

  
“Are you comfortable enough to tell me about your dream?”

“It’s just a repetition of images. It’s a rainy night, then I’m in front of a building, then everything becomes blurry, then I see these two people in an embrace, then I’m pushed to the ground, and I feel like I’m drowning. When I wake up, I can’t breathe, and I feel hurt. I feel so hurt; it makes me cry. It’s like everything just shattered. It’s like I don’t exist. Like everything matters but me, and I want to disappear."  
  
“What do you think those dreams mean?” Doctor Haneul asked. He noticed Soonyoung clenching his fists, so he gave him a tiger plushie to hold. Soonyoung reached for the tiger and hug it.

  
“Is it possible to have more lost memories? When I woke up from the comma, I couldn’t remember, well, everything. But everything came back, eventually. Now, I’m wondering if there’s more. If these dreams are memories, or I don’t know.” Soonyoung said while still hugging the tiger plushie.  
  
“It is possible. We can’t rule anything out. If they are memories, would you like to remember them? Or would you rather that they stay forgotten?”

  
“I don’t know. I feel scared. That feeling, it was so painful. I’m scared I won’t be able to bear it.”  
  
“Soonyoung, we all feel scared of the unknown. It’s okay to be afraid. But we have to remember that, no matter how painful things are, we can always find comfort in our friends and when these thoughts become unbearable, we can always voice them out into oblivion.”

“I haven’t told Wonwoo.”

  
“Why not? He has been with you in this journey, do you not trust him with this?” The doctor asked.

  
“It’s not about trust. I feel guilty. I keep thinking that he can’t move on with his life because of me. Mingyu wants to move in together, but Wonwoo can’t leave me. He feels obligated to.” Soonyoung explained.

  
“Have you talked to Wonwoo about these things?” the doctor asked. “Well, I tried but he denied it.”  
  
“Do you want to talk to Wonwoo in the safety of this room?” The doctor asked.

  
“No, I’m not afraid to talk to him. I just feel like he’s lying for my sake.”

  
“Why do you feel that way?” Doctor Haneul asked.  
  
“Well, I know. We’ve been friends forever. I know when he’s not entirely being truthful.” Soonyoung supplied.

  
“Have you considered that maybe he’s telling the truth? Or maybe he has other reasons but he can’t tell you why?”

  
“I don’t know.” Soonyoung admitted.  
  
“Why don’t you ask Wonwoo again? You said you trust him, then why not trust when he says it’s okay?”

  
“I don’t know.”

  
“Let’s go back to your dream. May I ask, why do you think you keep having these dreams again?”  
  
“I don’t know. It started when I came back home from Japan.”

  
“What do you think they are? Do you want to find out?” The doctor asked.

  
“I don’t know. Memories? I’m not sure I want to find out. I think that’s also the reason why I haven’t told Wonwoo. I’m afraid to find out if they’re real or not.” Soonyoung admitted.  
  
“Give yourself time, Soonyoung. Thinking about it too much causes you stress. This is why you’ve been having severe headaches. For now, let us trust that your mind will reveal the truth to you when it thinks you’re ready. In the meantime, don’t shut out your friends and talk to them. I’m prescribing you these medicines to help you sleep and ease your headache.”

  
“Thank you so much.” He was about to leave when he realized he was still holding on to the tiger plushie. “Oh, I almost forgot.”  
  
“No, it’s okay. You can keep him. I think he needs a new home.”

  
Soonyoung can’t help but smile. He didn’t want to let go of the plushie, it somehow comforted him. This is why he loves Doctor Haneul, he always seemed to be able to read his moods.  
  
 **WONWOO**

  
Soonyoung came out of the doctor’s office looking a little bit better.

  
“Hey! Everything okay?” Wonwoo asked his bestfriend who for some reason was holding on to a tiger plushie.

  
“I think so. I always leave therapy feeling better but at the same time confuse. Does that make sense?”

  
“Everything takes time, Soon.” Joshua interjected.

  
“I’m hungry.” Soonyoung announced, which made Wonwoo laugh.

  
“Okay, let’s go. Where do you want to go?” Wonwoo asked.

“Do you remember this stand near our school? We used to eat there with Jihoon, when... back when... when...” Soonyoung stammered. Wonwoo and Joshua exchanged nervous glances.

  
“I’m sorry, I don’t remember when.” Soonyoung continued. He looked close to crying.  
  
“Why don’t we take the day off, Soonie? I have no classes. Maybe for today let’s forget about the past and create new memories? I feel like exploring the city. We can hunt for new hang outs and food stalls.” Wonwoo tried to salvage the situation.  
  
“Oh, good idea! I wish I can go. But I’m stuck here.” Joshua said.  
Soonyoung brightened at the idea, completely forgetting about what just happened.  
“Okay, let’s go.” Soonyoung gave Joshua a hug good bye.  
  
“I miss you, Joshie. Let’s hang out sometimes?” Soonyoung asked.

“Definitely. I miss you too. Med school is hell.” Joshua replied.

  
After saying their goodbyes, they left the hospital hand in hand with just one goal in their minds, to hunt for food.


	32. Messages

**JIHOON**

Jihoon woke up with a headache. He didn’t know what time he got home last night. He remembered going to Hurricane Studios again. He sat and stared at the place till the wee hours of the morning. He thought about what Jeonghan told him.  
  
Were his actions really that cruel? Did he really treat Soonyoung like garbage? He couldn’t remember the details of that night. It was years too late but he cried for Soonyoung’s pain, a pain that he caused. Jeonghan’s right.  
  
He didn’t say it out loud but he knew what the other was thinking, that he was a monster. How could he face Soonyoung now? Knowing Soonyoung, he’d forgive him for everything because that’s just how he is as a person.

He was kind, and forgiving. But does he deserve that forgiveness after all he did? Jihoon asked himself.

💬 **Jihoon/Seungcheol**

💬 **Jihoon / Jeonghan**

**ROWOON**

  
Rowoon was getting anxious. He never received any message from Wonwoo and Soonyoung. He’s sure the doctor’s appointment was over already. He used to accompany Soonyoung to his therapies before, so he knew they were always over before lunch.

💬 **Rowoon / Soonyoung**

💬 **Rowoon / Wonwoo**

💬 **Rowoon/ Jeonghan**

💬 **Rowoon / Joshua**

**SEUNGCHEOL**

**💬 Seungcheol / Jeonghan**

🎥 **Seungcheol’s Message to Jeonghan**

<https://embed.tumblr.com/embed/post/9zzsFhAwh75usk3klUzaTw/630013868341641216>


	33. SoonWoo

** SOONYOUNG  **

  
They were on their way to their old school. He convinced Wonwoo to start from the tokbokki stand they used to visit that was near their high school. It was an hour drive from the city, but he wanted to make sure if the memory with Jihoon was correct.  
  
“I’m sure the stand is no longer there.” Wonwoo said while driving. “We’re not going to lose anything if we just check. I just want to check.”

  
“Soon, if you have questions you can always ask me. I always tell you the truth, don’t I?”

  
“Yeah, but you omit things!”

“No, I don’t!” Wonwoo insisted.

  
“Yes, you do. Remember, when I asked your opinion about my studio’s name and you said you didn’t like Hurricane?”

  
“Because it sucks!”

  
“Wow! Thank you very much Jeon Wonwoo! I worked hard coming up with that name.”  
  
“No, I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.”

  
“So, why didn’t you like it? Everybody was against it. Tell me.”

  
“We just don’t like it Soons, no other reason.”

  
Soonyoung knew Wonwoo was lying, but he let it go. He just didn’t understand what’s the big deal with the name.  
  
They stopped near their old high school. It didn’t change much. Soonyoung felt a bit of longing for the past. He was happy here.

  
Wonwoo parked the car. They walked towards the food stands near the gate of the school but Soonyoung hesitated.  
  
Wonwoo noticed Soonyoung’s hesitation and grabbed his hand.

  
“Come on, Kwon. I’m hungry. Can we please eat something?” Wonwoo begged his bestfriend who finally relented. They walked hand in hand towards the food stand.  
  
“Hey! If it isn’t Soonwoo, long time no see kids.” The ajumma on the stand greeted them with a bright smile. Soonyoung laughed at the term.

  
“Right! We were Soonwoo!” Soonyoung happily replied. They sat and ordered their food. “We missed you!”  
  
The ajumma noticed that they were still holding hands and asked, “Aigoo, then you should visit me more often. Are you guys finally together?”

  
Wonwoo choked on his food when he heard the question.

“No, were not.” He respectfully answered the question.  
  
“We’re happy with our respective relationships.” Soonyoung supplied.

  
“Oh, you’re with the other guy? What’s his name? The pale kid who moved from Busan. He always looked at you like he’s looking straight into the sun.”  
  
“Oh, no. We’re not together. I don’t think we were ever together. He moved away in college and we lost touch and then... Uhmm...” Soonyoung got confused. Whenever he tried to think about that part of his life, his mind always goes blank.  
  
Wonwoo observed how Soonyoung’s face change and tried to intervene but the ajumma continued talking.

  
“That’s too bad.”

  
“Why?” Soonyoung asked.

  
“I think you would have made a perfect couple.”

  
“Why?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“I remember every student who were always here. But I remember you three the most because...” the ajumma looked at Wonwoo before she continued, silently asking for permission.

  
“It’s okay.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“You guys were always here. He was always buried in his books,” referring to Wonwoo “While you chatter about anything you can think of while he patiently listened to you and laughed at the right moments, even though they were not funny. You teased him a lot by calling him Jagiya. You were always telling him that you wanted to become an idol and that he should learn how to write songs.” The ajumma said.

“I don’t remember that.” Soonyoung said.

  
“While both of you were in your own little world, little bookworm here would look at you guys fondly, especially you.”

  
“Oh.” Soonyoung blushed at what the old lady told them.

“Yah! Kwon Soonyoung, are you blushing?” Wonwoo teased.  
  
“No, I’m not! I just didn’t realize how popular I was before.”

  
“Well, when you like someone all the others disappear. You’ve always had your eyes on the pale kid, while this kid here only ever looked at you.” The ajumma said.  
  
“Okay, okay. Please enough with the history lesson, ajumma” Wonwoo said awkwardly. It was all in the past. He’s with Mingyu now, and Soonyoung is with Rowoon. They finished their food and went back to their car.  
  
“Why are you quiet?” Wonwoo asked. “You know if there are things that are confusing you, you can always ask me.”

“I know that. Can we go to the beach?” Soonyoung asked.

“Okay.”  
  


**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

💬 **Mingyu / Wonwoo**

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo’s Instagram Post**

**WONWOO**

  
It was afternoon when they arrived at the beach. There were seagulls flying around, while a couple of children chased after them, a few teenagers were playing volleyball near the shore. A couple were enjoying an afternoon walk, while playing with the crashing wave.  
  
It was a perfect afternoon. The wind sings a comforting tune.

  
“Want to sit down?” Wonwoo took off his coat and placed it on the sand to sit on.

  
“Do remember the last time we were here?” Soonyoung asked as he sat beside Wonwoo.  
  
“Of course, it was my birthday. It was also the day that my Dad told me how they couldn’t afford to send me to college.”

  
“You cried.”

  
“I didn’t!” Wonwoo denied. “You saved me that day.”

Well, I think at that time, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to survive the city without you.”

  
“Thank you, for talking to my Dad.”

  
“I’m still very apologetic to your dad, you know?” Soonyoung said.

  
“Why?”  
  
“Well, I told him I’d take care of you but you ended up taking care of me.” 

Wonwoo surprised Soonyoung when he leaned on his shoulder.

  
“You take care of me. You let me stay at your apartment-“

“Our apartment.” Soonyoung interrupted.  
  
“Okay, but you pay the rent and all the other expenses. I’m nothing but a broke law student.” Wonwoo said. He was always apologetic towards his best friend who took it upon himself to support Wonwoo’s studies. Soonyoung pays for the rent and living expenses.

  
He even buys Wonwoo clothes sometimes, although he disguises them as gifts. Wonwoo knows better.

  
“It’s because I’m the one who’s earning right now. I’m sure if the tables are turned, you’d be doing the same thing.” Soonyoung retort.  
  
“I’ll shower you with expensive gifts once I’m done with law school.” Wonwoo promised.

  
“I don’t need anything, I’m happy with just this.” Soonyoung said and held Wonwoo’s hand.  
  
“Soon, I know there’s something on your mind. You can tell me. I promise not to lie.” Wonwoo assured.

  
“Well... I’ve been having these dreams...” Soonyoung told Wonwoo about the dream. “So, do you know what they are?”

Wonwoo knew he was treading on dangerous waters. He held Soonyoung’s hand and carefully chose his words.

  
“What did Doc Haneul tell you?” Wonwoo asked.

  
“You promised!”

  
“I am going to tell you. I just want to know if it’s safe.” Wonwoo replied.  
  
“They’re memories, aren’t they?”  
Wonwoo just nodded. He knew he was going against his agreement with Soonyoung’s parents, but he couldn’t continue lying to the other. He placed his arms around Soonyoung to comfort the latter. Wonwoo held Soonyoung tightly.  
  
“I’m sorry, if I kept things from you.” Wonwoo whispered.

  
“It’s not your fault.”

  
“But still... How do you feel?”

  
“I don’t know. Sitting right here with you, it feels like watching a movie. The dream feels like looking at another person’s life. I don’t feel any connection to it. But every time I wake up, I feel unbearable pain and I can’t breathe. Then, the whole day will feel like sh*t.”

  
“Do you want me to tell you the specifics?” Wonwoo asked.

  
“No, it’s okay. I thought I recovered everything when I woke up, I guess my mind’s not yet done playing his tricks on me.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Are you sure?” Wonwoo asked.

  
“The doctor said my mind will reveal them once I’m ready. I’m willing to wait till that day comes.” Soonyoung snuggled closer to Wonwoo, while the latter tighten his hold on Soonyoung.  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I just want to enjoy this. Can we stay like this for a while? Stay with me for a while...”

“Of course...” Wonwoo replied and kissed Soonyoung’s temple. “Always.”

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Account**

**Mingyu’s Twitter Post**

**💬 Mingyu / Minghao**

****

**💬 Mingyu / Wonwoo**

**💬 Rowoon / Soonyoung**

**SOONYOUNG**

“Jeon Wonwoo!!! We’re dead meat!!!” Soonyoung yelled in panic as he checked his phone messages. “Your dinner!!”

  
“What — Oh Shit! Mingyu’s going to kill me. Can you look for my phone?”  
  
“Calm down... I don’t want to get in a car accident before I recover my memories.” Soonyoung joked.

  
“Look for my phone, please. I’m already in the dog house as it is.”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to...”  
  
“Stop it. I wouldn’t have missed that for anything. It’s not your fault, and Mingyu will understand.” Wonwoo reassured Soonyoung.

  
“Are you sure about that?” Soonyoung asked.

Soonyoung showed Mingyu’s last message to Wonwoo.

💬 **Mingyu / Wonwoo**

💬 **Rowoon / Soonyoung**


	34. The Breakup?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Description of an anxiety attack 
> 
> ⛔️⛔️⛔️ - Stop reading  
> 🟢🟢🟢 - Safe to read

**WONWOO**

  
Wonwoo was worried about Mingyu, but he was more worried about Soonyoung who became quiet after reading Mingyu’s message. He knew Soonyoung was blaming himself, but it wasn’t his fault. Wonwoo knew, it was his.  
  
It was true, what he told Soonyoung, he wouldn’t have missed their afternoon together for anything in the world and that included dinner with Mingyu’s parents. It was not that he doesn’t love Mingyu, because he does.  
  


But he just wasn’t ready for the things that Mingyu planned for them. For the past few days, Mingyu kept insisting on dinner and hinting about moving in, made Wonwoo anxious. It seemed that all his life was spent studying, buried in books.  
  
He studied hard for college, and went straight to law school. He wanted a bit of freedom before he commits to a life with Mingyu. He wanted to travel. He wanted to look at the flowers before anything else happens. He also wanted to repay Soonyoung for everything.  
  
When his Dad told him, they couldn’t not afford college, it was Soonyoung who convinced them otherwise. Soonyoung helped him apply for every scholarship offered in school. When he couldn’t find one in time, he split his scholarship money with him.  
  
He worked part time in the library, while Soonyoung worked at the Dance Department even though he didn’t need to. The money Soonyoung earned; he gave it to Wonwoo for living expenses.  
  
When he was already going on a bad road because of Jihoon, Soonyoung continued supporting him through his part time jobs. Now that he established a studio, he’s also helping him through law school.  
  
It’s true that Wonwoo was always there for Soonyoung, but Soonyoung had also always been there for him.

(Note: Explains how Soonyoung is affected by Mingyu’s text and how Wonwoo tries to comfort him.)

⛔️⛔️⛔️

  
“Soons, I know what you’re thinking.” Wonwoo pulled over when he noticed Soonyoung breathing erratically. “Hey, look at me.”  
  
He grabbed Soonyoung by the shoulder and made the latter look at him.

  
“Breathe. It’s okay, I’m here. That wasn’t on you, it was me. I’m at fault here. I didn’t want to hurt Mingyu, that’s why I couldn’t say it straight to him that I wasn’t just ready.”

  
Wonwoo assured Soonyoung who continued to breath rapidly.

“Look at me, Soon. Try to follow my breathing. Breathe in and out through your nose.” Soonyoung tried to follow Wonwoo’s voice. 

He wasn’t out of the woods yet, but Wonwoo’s voice was reassuring. It was distracting him from the thoughts that’s making him tense. 

“Hey, do you know that time when you wet your bed and you told your mom it was me? Or the time we sneaked out to watch that concert by the park? Remember our first beer?” Wonwoo tried to distract Soonyoung from his thoughts while continuing their breathing exercises. 

🟢🟢🟢

After a while Soonyoung’s breathing returned to normal, but he was still tense. Wonwoo gave Soonyoung a bit of cola and lowered Soonyoung’s sit to allow him to lie down. He covered him with his coat and let him close his eyes for a while. He knew that after his attacks Soonyoung usually gets exhausted.

“Sleep Soonie, I’ll take us home. Sleep for a while, okay?” Wonwoo watched as his bestfriend drifted off to sleep. “I love you.”

💬 **Wonwoo / Mingyu**

💬 **Wonwoo / Rowoon**

  
**ROWOON**

  
It was past eleven in the evening when Wonwoo and Soonyoung arrived at his house. Soonyoung was soundly sleeping in the car.

  
“Hey Ru! Sorry, we didn’t realize the time. He fell asleep. He had a mini attack on the way.” Wonwoo apologized as he went out of the car. “Should I wake him up?”

  
“No, it’s okay. I can carry him.” Rowoon answered. “You don’t have to fetch him later. I think it’ll be better if he sleeps here for the night.”

  
“I’m sorry. Aren’t going to ask me what happened?”  
  
“I’m sure Soonyoung will tell me in the morning. I try not to force things on Soonyoung. I know he’ll tell me eventually.”

  
“Thank you, Rowoon... for being patient with Soonyoung and for understanding. I’m really sorry if we worried you. I should have texted  you the moment we were done with his therapy.”

  
“Hey, it’s okay. I sensed that Soonyoung needed a day with you. I think that’s why he asked me not to come. I understand that, sometimes, I have to step back a little otherwise. I’ll just end up suffocating him.” Rowoon answered.

“Thank you.”

  
Rowoon carried Soonyoung to his room. He changed Soonyoung’s clothes to a more comfortable one. He looked at the other while he slept.  
  
He was worried, but getting answers can wait if it means a little bit of rest and peace of mind for Soonyoung.

  
“I love you, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, all you need to do is ask.” Rowoon kissed Soonyoung’s and lay down beside him to sleep.

** MINGYU **

💬 **Mingyu / Wonwoo**

Mingyu was by the door when he read the message. All he had to do was open the door, but he couldn’t. He still felt hurt over the fact that Wonwoo was not even apologizing for ditching him. He knew it was for Soonyoung, but at the moment he didn’t care.  


He sent the message but he was scared that Wonwoo would actually leave. He didn’t understand why Wonwoo was acting mad, when he should be apologetic. He was the one who broke his promise.

  
He waited for a couple of minute. He was about to open the door when he heard Wonwoo drive away. He couldn’t believe it. Wonwoo just left, without so much as an apology. Mingyu cried himself to sleep that night.

💬 **Mingyu / Groupchat**

****

****

****

****

****


	35. JeongCheol

** SEUNGCHEOL  **

Seungcheol nervously paced in front of their door. He told Jeonghan he was staying with Vernon, but he found himself going home. He knew he couldn’t sleep without fixing their problem.  
  
He was the one who caused it, so he should be the one to fix it. He would not allow Jeonghan to leave him. He’d chase him till the ends of the world if he had to.

**Seungcheol Instagram Post**

**JEONGHAN**

Jeonghan was pissed at Seungcheol. He was angry that the other lied to him about Jihoon coming home. He thought it would have help Soonyoung if he knew, but Seungcheol kept it to himself.  
  
He was angry that Seungcheol didn’t even try to talk to him that night. Seungcheol slept on the couch without any protest, and when Jeonghan woke up his boyfriend was gone. Now, he has the audacity to stay at Vernon’s without asking him once to talk.  
  
“Fine! If that’s the way you want it, don’t bother coming home!” He yelled to an empty apartment.

  
He took all of Seungcheol’s clothes from the closet and threw it all out in the living room.  
  
He knew he was being unreasonable and he’ll just probably put them all back in the closet after his tantrums, but for the moment it felt good. He also took Seungcheol’s toothbrush and used it to brush the toilet bowl, then threw it in the kitchen along with his clothes. He was almost finished collecting all of Seungcheol’s possession and placing it all in the middle of the living room when he heard a notification on his phone.

**Jeonghan’s Phone**

It was Seungcheol’s post. It was their door. He ran outside and when he opened the door Seungcheol was pacing outside. When he saw the tear stained cheeks of his boyfriend, Jeonghan jumped and hugged him tightly.

  
“Idiot! What took you so long to get home?” Jeonghan asked still hugging Seungcheol. He then let go and he grabbed a fistful of Seungcheol hair and pulled it.

  
“Ouch, Hanie! Stop!” Seungcheol yelled as Jeonghan dragged him by the hair into their apartment. Jeonghan only let go when they were in the living room.

  
“I’m still angry but if you f*ck*ng walk away from me again Choi Seungcheol, I’ll skin you alive.”

  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I was scared. I didn’t want to face you because I was scared that you’d tell me to leave. I can’t do that; I can’t live without you. In fact, I don’t want to live without you.” Seungcheol pleaded Jeonghan. “Please, take me back, Hanie.”

“Idiot, I didn’t let you go, so why would I need to take you back? Should I tattoo my name on your forehead to remind you that you’re mine? But if you ever do something like this again...” Jeonghan started tearing up. Seungcheol rarely sees Jeonghan cries, so when he did, Seungcheol panicked.  
  
“Baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Seungcheol said. He promised himself he won’t make any more promises if it means he’ll have to lie to Jeonghan. It wasn’t worth the risk. He even made the other boy cry.  
  
“I’m okay.” Jeonghan gestured for the to sit on the couch. “But on a more serious note, we can’t do that, walking out. It doesn’t help and it won’t solve anything. I rather that we fight here, no leaving the house.”  
  
“I wasn’t even going to get through with it. I don’t know what possessed me to text you that.” Seungcheol said.

  
“Don’t ever lie to me again.”

  
“For the record- “ Seungcheol stopped talking when he saw Jeonghan’s face.  
“I am sorry for not telling you about Jihoon.”

  
“I’m sorry for getting mad at you. You were just keeping a promise. I just felt even guiltier when I found out.” Jeonghan said.

  
“What do you mean? I was the one who kept it from Soonyoung, if anyone is at fault, it’s me.” Seungcheol said.

  
“Well, I was the one who pushed Soonyoung to go follow Jihoon. When Wonwoo told me how Jihoon treated Soonyoung in America, I felt guilty. Maybe if I hadn’t pushed him, he would have healed in time. Maybe...”

  
“I don’t think that’s on you, Hanie. You just tried to help a friend. We just tried our best to support our friends. Let’s just do our best to help them more, okay? I love you baby.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“I love you too you big oaf.” Jeonghan straddled Seungcheol and gave him a long deep kiss. “I missed you, come on. I think this baby needs his daddy-yo. I’m in the mood for some hot stuff. Let’s do it in the shower.”  
  
Seungcheol laughed at his boyfriend. It was only then that he noticed all his belongings in the middle of their living room.

  
“You were going to kick me out?!” Seungcheol asked and pouted.

“Oh, I almost forgot, here’s your toothbrush. Come on!”  
  
“Yah, Yoon Jeonghan, who’s going to clean up all these mess?” But he was already being dragged away by his boyfriend to the bedroom.  
  


**Seungcheol’s Instagram Post**


	36. The Morning After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter mentions/describes signs of anxiety attack/taking of one’s life. Skip if easily distress.
> 
> ⛔️⛔️⛔️ - stop reading/skip when you see this  
> 🟢🟢🟢 - this means it’s safe to read

**Rowoon’s Instagram Post**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung woke up feeling refreshed. He didn’t open his eyes wanting to prolong the feeling of being in sleep. It was the first time in days that he woke up without crying from the dream and having a severe headache.  
  
His pillow even felt extra comfortable and not to mention, it even smelled nice, nicer than usual. He snuggled closer trying to get closer to the sweet scent. He rubbed his nose and basked himself in the smell.  
  
He was getting hungry but he didn’t want to get up just yet. He thought that if it smells good, then it must taste good. He didn’t know what possessed him but he licked his pillow to get a little taste.

The taste was addicting, so licked it some more. He couldn’t just get enough of it so bit his pillow. But to his surprised his pillow give a big yelp from pain.  
  
“Ouch! Soonie!”

“What- Ruru!?”

  
“Why did you bite me?” Rowoon asked his boyfriend as he continued to rub where Soonyoung had bitten him.

  
“I don’t know. I was hungry.”

  
“So, you tried to eat me?” Rowoon laughed at his boyfriend’s antics.  
  
“No, you smell nice so I thought you’d taste nice also.” Soonyoung blushed at the implication of his words. Rowoon laughed even harder.  
  
“I didn’t know you were into biting, baby. But if we try those things at the other side of the spectrum, we’re going to need a safe word.” Rowoon teased his boyfriend who blushed even more.  
  
“Shut up!” Soonyoung tried to get away but Rowoon, who was bigger and stronger, wrestled him to the bed. Rowoon leaned in closer, until their faces were only inches apart. Soonyoung closed his eyes in anticipation of the kiss, but to his surprise it’s didn’t come.  
  
Instead, Rowoon tickled him all over which sent him to fits of laughter.

  
“I give up. Stop! Ruru, stop please! I’m going to pee myself if you don’t stop!”  
Ruru stopped for a while.  
  
“Oh, so you’re into that kind of stuff now? I don’t think I am though, but if you’re into those sort of thing--“ Rowoon wasn’t able to finish his sentence because Soonyoung bit him on the shoulder. “Ouch! Soonie!!! That hurt!”

op of him. “I love you. I wish there were more morning’s like this one. Just us, no complication.”

  
“Marry me then.” Rowoon asked.  
  
“What?” Soonyoung was expecting declarations of love. He wasn’t expecting a proposal. Rowoon got off of him and ran towards the closet. When he returned, he was holding a velvet box. Soonyoung’s heart pounded like crazy. Rowoon sat on the bed and faced Soonyoung.  
  
“I don’t want anything in life. I just want more mornings like these one. When I confessed, I told you I planned a grand confession with fireworks and flowers, but it didn’t go as planned. My confession was simple, but it turned out well. Because of you, I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. That great declarations of love don’t have to be perfectly planned. It can be like this one, both of us in our Pjs, still with morning breath, and unwashed face. I want more mornings like this one, well not just mornings and not just happy ones. I want to go through the ups and downs of life with you Soonie, if you’ll have me. Will you marry me?”

Rowoon’s proposal shocked Soonyoung.  
  
Inside, instead of a ring was a spool of thread.

**MINGYU**

Mingyu woke up on his couch. When he checked his phone, there were zero messages. He was the one who’s supposed to be mad, but why does he feel like it was his fault? Was he unreasonable?  
  
He asked himself. He regretted not going out to talk last night. He should have just opened the door. He missed Wonwoo already. He was scared that he’ll lose him. He didn’t want to break up, he just wants Wonwoo to go after him.

**💬 Mingyu / Minghao**

****

**JEONGHAN**

Seungcheol was no longer beside him when he woke up. Seungcheol was already in the bathroom preparing for the day. He saw Seungcheol brushing his teeth when he suddenly remembered that he used the toothbrush to brush the toilet.  
  
“Oh my God! Babes! Stop brushing your teeth! Give me that!” Jeonghan grabbed the toothbrush from a very confuse Seungcheol. Jeonghan gave Seungcheol a new one.  
  
“Here, use this and gargle this whole bottle of Listerine. I’m not kissing that mouth until you do.”

  
“What did you do?” Seungcheol suspiciously asked.

  
“Do you really wanna know? Wouldn’t it be better to live life not knowing?”  
  
“Oh my God! Yoon Jeonghan! I brushed my teeth with that last night!” Seungcheol yelled when he realized what his boyfriend did.

  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I forgot.” Jeonghan said while he hugged a very disgruntled Seungcheol from the back. “I said I’m sorry!”  
  
“I feel like I just kissed the toilet bowl!”

  
“Yah, your mouth had been to places that are so much worst, like the source.” Jeonghan cackled.

  
“Okay, you didn’t just say that. You didn’t just imply what I think you’re implying.”  
  
Jeonghan just shrugged and gave Seungcheol his most innocent smile.

“Fine, I’m not ever doing that again.” Seungcheol joked.  
  
“I was kidding Cheollie, of course you have to do it again. In fact...” Jeonghan was reaching for Seungcheol’s nuggins from behind when the latter stopped him.

“I would love to babes, but they’re announcing the promotion today, I can’t afford to be late.”  
  
“Okay. I don’t have shoots today. So, I’ll just be home, thinking of you. I can drop by lunch and do a quick free tasting and then I’ll pick you up after work? We can eat dinner, celebrate, then afterwards you can eat...” Jeonghan smirked suggestively.  
  
“We can celebrate if I get it. But it’s definitely a plan. I can’t wait. I love you!” “You’ll get it. I love you too.”

**ROWOON**

Rowoon just asked Soonyoung to marry him. He had been thinking about it for a long time. He just couldn’t find the right timing. He wanted everything to perfect, and that morning seemed perfect. Rowoon sensed Soonyoung’s hesitation so he helped the other by saying.

  
“No, you don’t have to answer me right now. This is a huge step and I’d rather hear your answer when you’re ready and sure. I know there are still things that’s confusing you, questions that need answers. I’m willing to wait till that time comes, when you’re ready. I love you and I just want to let you know that. Don’t feel pressured please.”  
  
“Thank you Ruru.” Soonyoung hugged Rowoon. He couldn’t give the answer that he knows Rowoon wanted but still the latter was still there, willing to wait for him.

  
“I’m sorry if I can’t give you the answer today. It’s just that,” Rowoon was about to interrupt but Soonyoung shut him up with a look. “I just realized today that there are still blank spots in my mind. Uhmmm... I’ve been having these dreams; I think they’re memories of the past.”

“You know that there are therapies for those kinds of things, right? To recover lost memories. You can opt for them if you want to.” Rowoon suggested.  
  
“But that’s the thing, I don’t want to. I know they’re memories, Wonwoo confirmed as much. But I still feel disconnected from it. It is only when I wake up from the dream that it feels real, like I’m feeling what I felt in the memory but after a while, it becomes, how do you say it? Like it was just another movie I watched in passing. It’s like, I’m not even that person.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“But the after effects of the dreams manifest, Soon. You always have headaches, and your attacks are getting more frequent.”  
  
“I know that. But please don’t force me to do things beyond what my mind thinks I’m capable of.” Soonyoung begged.  
Rowoon scooped Soonyoung in his arms and cradled him like a baby. He embraced him tightly.

  
“Never. I’m just telling you that you have options, the choice to do them or not, is still up to you, and no matter what you decide I have your back.” Rowoon assured Soonyoung.

  
“Thank you, Love.”  
  
“About my proposal... you don’t have to answer now. But will you think about it? That’s all I ask. If the answer is no, I’m-“

“The answer is not no, but it also isn’t a yes. It’s closer to a ‘not yet’. Can we leave it like that?” Soonyoung asked Rowoon.  
  
“Definitely, whatever you want love. But can you hold on to this for me? While you think about it.”

  
“You want me to carry around a roll of thread?”

“Yes, just hold on to it, for a while and if you decide to answer my proposal, when you’re ready, give it back to me.” Rowoon said.

  
“Okay, thank you Ruru.” “No problem, love”  
  
“Oh, about yesterday, I’m sorry...”

  
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I was just worried. I’m sorry for flooding you with messages. But if you want to make it up to me, I won’t stop you.” Rowoon smiled mischievously and ran his hands up and down Soonyoung’s inner thighs.  
  
“Yah! You pervert.”

  
“What!? I was thinking of breakfast!”

“Oh breakfast?”

  
“Yeah, breakfast in bed.” Rowoon mischievously smiled and wiggled his eyebrows up and down, while he wrestled Soonyoung to the bed.  
  
They spent the entire morning making out, snuggling, whispering sweet nothings to each other, and making love.  
  
Soonyoung don’t usually posts pictures of his private life on his public instagram. He never posted a picture of Rowoon. He kept their relationship as private as possible. But that morning, he just wanted to scream to the world that Roowoon was his.

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

**MINGYU**

💬 **Mingyu / Soonyoung**

****

****

  
Mingyu knew it wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault. But he can’t help it. He feels that Soonyoung should have been more considerate. Soonyoung knew about their dinner. He talked about it nonstop, so how did his friend forget?

He knows now. Between the three of them, he’s the boyfriend but he was also always the third wheel. He hoped that things would have changed as their relationship progress, but nothing’s changed. He’s always been and will always be second choice.

**WONWOO**

**💬 Wonwoo / Soonyoung**

****

****

****

**💬 Wonwoo / Mingyu**

****

****

Wonwoo couldn’t believe he just broke up with Mingyu. What Mingyu said infuriated him. He always prioritized Soonyoung because his friend needed him. They weren’t together yet when Soonyoung started having problems with his mental health.  
  
Wonwoo and Soonyoung grew up together. They were four years old when they met and instantly became best of friends. Soonyoung was Wonwoo’s anchor. Sure, he fell in love with him, but that was years ago. He moved on. He’s with Mingyu now, or was with Mingyu.

It scared Wonwoo that he'll lose his best friend if looked away even for a second.

⛔️⛔️⛔️

It scared Wonwoo when Soonyoung tried to kill himself for the first time. He was the one who found him. He was late coming home because his boss decided to make him work overtime. When he finally got home, he found Soonyoung in the bathroom unconscious.

🟢🟢🟢

_**FLASHBACK** _

  
_“I’m home! I brought dinner. They’re left over stuff from the store and we got to eat them now because today is supposed to be the expiry date.” Wonwoo looked around their flat for his best friend._   
  
_It was a small studio apartment, a little bit dingy but they tried their best to make it homey. It was the only place they could afford at the moment. They used to live in the dorms but when Soonyoung lost his scholarship, they were asked to leave._   
  
_They have one bed at the end of the room, which they share since two beds won’t fit in their space. Their make up kitchen consists of a rice cooker, water heater, and a small portable stove, all placed on a foldable table. They only have one pot for cooking ramen._   
  
_But luckily, they have their own bathroom, which wasn’t much really. It was so small they couldn’t even fit a shower. It only has a toilet and a sink beside it. They shower using the extendable hose from the sink._   
  
_It was a little cramped with just a small window at the side. It was not ideal, but it was home. Wonwoo was okay with anything, as long as he’s with Soonyoung._   


_ “Soon?” Wonwoo knocked on the bathroom door. “Hey are you there? Hurry up will you? I’m hungry.” _

_  
After about five minutes of waiting, Wonwoo could not take it anymore. He knocked again. _

_“Yah! Kwon Soonyoung, can you please open up or reply!” Wonwoo was getting worried. He’s sure his best friend was in the bathroom because the lights were on and the door was locked. He tried to break open the door, he opened it in his third try and was shock with what he saw._

_⛔️⛔️⛔️_

_Soonyoung was lying on the the small space between the toilet bowl and the wall, unconcious. He was lying on his own pool of blood. His hair was soaked in blood. Wonwoo immediately grab a towel and look for a head wound. He paled when he realized the real source of the blood. Belatedly, he saw the bloodied_ _blade next to Soonyoung. Soonyoung made deep sliced wounds on both his wrists. Wonwoo wrapped both Soonyoung’s wrist with towels and slung an unconscoius Soonyoung on his back._

_He ran outside their building crying but he knew he needed to stay strong if he wants to save his best friend. He ran to_ _the streets and tried to hail a cab but no one was stopping for them. So, he did the next best thing he could think of. He ran all the way to the nearest hospital. When they arrived Soonyoung was already so far gone, they thought they might lose him._

_ 🟢🟢🟢 _

_After that night, he lived in fear that Soonyoung might do it again, and he did. Luckily, Jeonghan found him. The third time, they weren’t quick enough but luckily some kids saved him. But he ended up in a comma and when he woke up, he lost the memory of his pain but also of his love. _

**_End of Flashback _ **

Wonwoo lived in fear that Soonyoung would do it again. This is the reason why he’s  always attentive to his friend’s needs. It was the reason why he always prioritized his friend, because he was still unwell.  
  
Despite the smiles and Soonyoung’s cheery disposition, Wonwoo still feels that he was just waiting for Soonyoung to break again. He felt that Soonyoung was only being held on by temporary tapes, that might break any time.  
  
He was scared that he won’t be there when that happens and he’ll lose him.  
He didn’t know what’s he’ll do if he loses Soonyoung. He thought Mingyu understood that. He thought Mingyu understood just how much Soonyoung meand to him.  
  
Mingyu promised to be understanding when it comes to Soonyoung, but he guessed promises were meant to be broken.  


_  
**FLASHBACK**_

_  
Mingyu was waiting for Wonwoo in Rowoon’s coffee shop, but the other was running late. But he promised he’ll wait, so there he was with his 3rd coffee in hand still waiting for the object of his affection to show up.  
  
“Hey! Mingyu! I’m so sorry. Did you wait long?” _

_  
Mingyu had been crushing on Wonwoo for so long, but he’s still in awe whenever he sees the other. Wonwoo, Soonyoung, and Jihoon were ahead of him for a year in high school.  
  
Soonyoung befriended him first when he knocked over his food tray. He thought Soonyoung was going to get angry, but he just laughed and asked him to share his food since he was the reason that Soonyoung lost his lunch. He then became part of their group.  
  
“Earth to Mingyu.” Wonwoo said when he noticed the other spacing out.  _

_ “Oh, I’m sorry hyung. I was just thinking about the first time we met.”  _

_“Okay... so, what is it that you want to talk about?” _

_ “Hyung, we’ve been texting for quite some time now and well, flirting.” Wonwoo blushed crimson when Mingyu mentioned their poor attempt at flirting. He gestured Mingyu to continue.  
“I like you, if that’s not obvious then I don’t know what else to do.”  
  
“Oh...” Wonwoo knew that Mingyu liked him. He just didn’t expect a very straight forward confession from the other. _

_  
“Soonyoung hyung said, I should just lay it all out on the table because if I wait for you to get the hint then we’ll be waiting a long time.He said your very book smart, but dumb when it comes to things like these.”  _

_ “Yah!” _

_  
“Well, it’s true though.” Mingyu said. _

_  
“You really think I’m dumb?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“Hyung, whenever I drive you home from school I’d lean over and take off your seatbelt for you. I’d let my hand rest on your shoulder for a while and move my head as close as I can to yours. Nope, I’m not being a gentleman. I know you can put on or take off your own seat belt. I was hoping you’d get the hint and you know... make a move.” Mingyu said. _

_  
“Okay...” _

_  
“Whenever we go out with friends and have drinks, I always rest my hand on your thighs while I let my thumb trace circles on your inner thighs hoping you’d get the hint. Nope, I’m not tipsy. I was hoping that you’ll notice that I want you.” Mingyu said. _

_  
“Okay...” _

_  
“Whenever I ask you to dance, I always hug you from the back and brush my nose on your nape... and I’ll let my...” _

_ “Stop Kim Mingyu! Too much information.” Wonwoo was now red all over. He was sweating profusely despite the air-conditioning. Mingyu pouted. _

_  
“I’m not mad. I’m just not use to things being this straightforward.” Wonwoo explained when he saw Mingyu’s devastated face.  
  
“Well, Soonyoung hyung said...” _

_  
“Yeah, I know what that oaf said. He’s right. I’m a bit dense over things like these. But can you please tell me that you like me in a more PG-13 manner because we’re in a public place?” Wonwoo asked while he wiped away some sweat on his forehead.  _

_ “Oh... am I getting you hot then?” Mingyu asked. _

_  
“Okay, that’s it. Let’s go!” Wonwoo stood up and dragged a very confused Mingyu outside the coffee shop.  
  
They went to nearby park. Wonwoo made Mingyu sit on the bench that was covered by bushes and darker. Mingyu gave Wonwoo a not so innocent smile. _

_  
“Don’t give me that look. I didn’t drag you here to do anything.” Wonwoo said. “_ _Can I ask you a question then?”  
  
“Shoot!” _

_  
“Mingyu, do you like me because you want to fuck me or do you like me because of me?” Wonwoo seriously asked. _

_  
“Of course, I like you because you’re you. I like the way that you get lost over a book and don’t move for hours. I like that despite being an introvert, you’re very sociable when it comes to your friends. I like how lame your jokes are, but you tell them anyways and you’re contented when even just one person laughs.  _ _ I like how loyal you are and how you take care of Soonyoung hyung. I like a lot of things about you, not just your collar bones and your ass.” _

_  
“You just have to say that last part, didn’t you?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“I’m trying to illustrate the difference, so I need a point of comparison.” Mingyu explained. _

_  
“I like you too.” Wonwoo stopped Mingyu from saying a word then continued. “I like you too, a lot actually. But a relationship with me won’t work. I have too much on my plate. I have school and I have Soonyoung. You know his condition. There will always be days where I have to prioritize him. Nope, correct that, I may have to always give him priority because he needs it and because I want to. I don’t want to lose him Mingyu, and I’m afraid that I’d do if for some reason I look the other way. If we’re together, you’d just feel unimportant. You’d feel that I don’t like you enough or get fed up at me for breaking dates and promises. I don’t want that, because you’re much too precious to be treated like that. I have responsibilities. I can’t fully commit to a relationship like the way you can.” Wonwoo explained.  
  
“I understand that, hyung. I love Soonie Hyung, he’s also my friend. I’m also willing to take care of him.” _

_  
“There will come a time when you won’t see it that way.” _

_  
“No, I won’t.” _

_  
“Yes, you will. I can’t leave and I won’t leave Soonyoung. But there will come a time, if we ever have a relationship, that you’d want more things than I can offer.” _

_ ”No, I won’t. I’m willing to wait.” _

_ ”What if that day doesn’t come?” _

_  
“Then, I’ll just wait some more.” Mingyu insisted. _

_  
“Stop saying that and think about it.”  
  
“I’ve already thought about it and I don’t care. I’ll take what you can offer and I’ll wait as long as I can. Just be with me? I like you so much and I promise those things you said won’t happen. I promise to always be understanding of your responsibilities to Soonyoung hyung. I promise I won’t be a burden. Instead, I’ll help you. I also love Soonyoung hyun. He’s one of my bestfriends. I like you a lot, please don’t make me stop liking you.” Migyu looked at Wonwoo with so much sincerity that the latter believed him.  
  
Wonwoo knew there will come a time that Mingyu will realized that those promises he made were a mistake. But he like Mingyu, maybe in time he’ll even fall in love with him. Besides, Soonyoung was already with Rowoon.  
_

_ “Okay.” _

_  
“Okay? What do you mean?” Mingyu asked.  
  
“Okay, let’s date.” _

_  
“Oh my God!!!! Finally!! So, you’re my boyfriend now??” Mingyu squealed in delight. _

_  
“I said yes, didn’t I?” _

_  
“Just making sure. I can finally do this.”  
  
Before Wonwoo can asked about it, Mingyu kissed him. His heart skipped a bit and found himself parting his lips for Mingyu. He felt warmth washing all over him as Mingyu deepened the kiss.  
_

_ **End of Flashback** _

_   
_


	37. Meeting

** JIHOON  **

Jihoon was preparing for work when he received a message from Wonwoo. He asked the CEO if he could just start work immediately as doing nothing was driving him insane. The CEO agreed.

**💬 Jihoon / Wonwoo**

_**FLASHBACK** _

_Jihoon was walking back and forth on the rooftop when he saw Wonwoo arrived. He was nervous but he needed to do it. He needed to tell Wonwoo or he’ll explode._

_  
“Hey Jihoon, you’re going to burn a whole on the roof with all that pacing.”_

_  
“Hey. Uhmm sit down.” They sat on the ledge of the rooftop._

_  
“Just say it. I think I have an idea of what you’re going to tell me. Just blurt it out and don’t hesitate.” Wonwoo said._

_  
“I’m in love with Soonyoung.” Jihoon looked at Wonwoo to gauge his reaction.  
  
He was afraid that Wonwoo would get angry, but to his surprise the boy just smiled. “I know.”_

_  
“Aren’t you going to punch me?” Jihoon asked._

_  
“Uhhh why?”_

_  
“Because I know you’re in love with him too.” Jihoon said._

_  
“Yes, I am.” Then, Wonwoo quietly added._

_But I am not the one that he’s in love with, and I’m okay with that. I have already accepted that when I saw the way he looked at you.”_

_  
“He loves you too.” Jihoon said.  
  
“I know he does, but it’s a completely different kind of love. I’m family. I will never be that boy that he’d dream of kissing, or having a family with. I’m his constant, the boy who is always by his side but will always be in the background. He only has eyes for you, Jihoon.” _

_“Don’t you want to tell him?”_

_  
“No, I don’t want to make thing difficult for him. I don’t want him making decisions for my sake. Because I know him, he won’t go to you if he knew it’ll hurt me. But I don’t want that, I just want him to be happy, and if it’s being with you then I’m all for it one hundred percent. Just promise me one thing.” Wonwoo asked._

_  
“Anything...”_

_  
“Don’t break him.”_

_  
“I promise.” Jihoon replied.  
_

_**End of Flashback** _   
  


Jihoon was determined to tell Soonyoung, but he was scared that Wonwoo might be right. He was scared that telling Soonyoung would do more harm than good. He already caused the boy so much misery, would he be willing to go through all that again?  
  
He asked himself. He can’t help but think that maybe if Soonyoung remembers him, then he can start making up for all the pain he caused him.

  
Jihoon went to work still lost in thought. He was walking towards the building, when he bumped into Seungcheol.

Jihoon-ah!”

  
“Hyung!”

  
“Hey, what are you doing here?” Seungcheol asked.

  
“Oh, I work here.”

  
“What? But I work here and I’ve never seen you.” Seungcheol said as they went inside the building.  
  
“Hyung, I just got back from the States a week ago remember? This is my first week. They pirated me from the last company I worked for in the States. I accepted since the position and offer was better.” Jihoon explained.  
  
“Oh, that’s great. I have to rush, since I have a meeting.”

  
“Yeah, me too. Lunch?” Jihoon asked, hoping that Seungcheol would agree.  
“Raincheck? Hanie wants to offer his free tasting services...”  
  
“Don’t tell me!” Jihoon interrupted Seungcheol. “Years into the relationship and you guys are still the same.”

  
“That’s love Jihoon-ah.”  
  
“Nah, I think you guys are just horny all the time.” Jihoon joked and Seuncheol laughed. For a minute, it felt like he never left at all.

**SEUNGCHEOL**

Seungcheol was nervous. He was one of the candidates for the position and all of his co-workers were all expecting him to be promoted. They were gathered around the conference room when the CEO, Lee Hyukjae, entered with Jihoon.  
  
“Good morning. As you all know, Zico was recently promoted to President. Thus, leaving open the position of Creative Director. Albums produced under his leadership had gone to great lengths. I am hoping that the next person to do so would be able to do the same.”

Seungcheol got even more nervous. His co-workers were all smiling at him. But Jihoon being there made him nervous, what if it wasn’t him.

  
“Anyways, you know I value each of every one of you. I know some of you are perfect for the position, but the board thought a fresh new outlook would do the company wonders. This is why we decided to hire Lee Jihoon as the new creative director of Pledis Entertainment.”

  
Seungcheol smiled and clapped, but everything was forced.  
  
He worked hard for 5 years only to be overlooked for his best friend of all people.

  
By lunch time, he had enough. He couldn’t handle the looks of sympathy his co- workers were giving him.  
  
So, he went to Jihoon’s office, Jihoon his new boss. He knocked three times before Jihoon replied for him to enter.

  
“Hey boss!” Seungcheol said.

  
“Stop it. Your royal highness is fine.” Jihoon joked at his old friend who laughed.  
  
But Jihoon felt that Seungcheol’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Is everything alright?”

  
“Yup! I’m actually here to congratulate you and ask if I can leave for lunch.”

“Thanks but I was hoping we’ll all go together for lunch as a team.” Jihoon replied.  
  
“Oh okay! Great idea.” Seungcheol said but Jihoon knew his best friend was faking the enthusiasm.

  
“No, we can do it some other time. Don’t worry about it. Can you inform the others though? I’m a little bit awkward with them.”

  
“Are you sure?”

“Yup!” Jihoon wanted the getting to know phase to be over with as soon as possible, that’s why he planned the lunch. But the look on Seungcheol’s face made him change his mind.  
  
“Don’t worry about it. It’s going to be slow here in the office, why don’t you take the rest of the day off? I just need a report on the past releases of the groups we’re in charge of. It’s something you can do at home, right?” Jihoon said.  
  
“Don’t do me any favors, Jihoon.” Seungcheol’s demeanor suddenly went cold. He knows what Jihoon was trying to do. He didn’t like it, he preferred if he treated him like he normally does instead of pitying him for not getting the job he deserved in the first place.  
  
“I’m not! I’m sorry.”

  
“Just treat me like how you treat everybody else.” Seungcheol said angrily. He wasn’t angry at Jihoon, he was angry at the situation. He was angry with the look that Jihoon was giving him. It was a look of pity.  
  
He hates that Jihoon feels apologetic when he didn’t even do anything to begin with.

  
“I’m sorry. I feel like all my life, ever since I left, I haven’t been doing anything right. My life is a series of mistakes that I can’t even fix no matter how much I try to.”  
  
“It’s not your fault.”

  
“It is though. If I haven’t accepted the offer then you’ll be sitting on this chair right now.” Jihoon insisted.

  
“I don’t want the chair, Ji. If they’re just going to give it to me because they didn’t have a choice, I don’t want it. I rather they recognize me for my own merits.” Seungcheol said.

  
“I don’t know what what to say. But I’m serious, go enjoy the day with Jeonghan Hyung.” Jihoon said.

“Okay, I’ll accept that since we really need it after the fight we had. Thanks.” Seungcheol left the office to meet Jeonghan.

**SOONYOUNG**

“Where are you going?” Rowoon asked when Soonyoung made a move to get up. It was already around ten in the morning but both were still in bed.  
  
“I’m hungry, and I need to drop by Pledis. They have a new creative director; then Hyukjae Hyung wants me to meet him.”

  
“You’re hungry?” Rowoon teased and gave Soonyoung a naughty look.  
  
“You’re such a perv! I’m hungry for food. Now go cook something peasant!” Soonyoung jokingly ordered Rowoon, who laughed on the way to the kitchen.  
Soonyoung showered and borrowed clothes from Rowoon. When he went to the kitchen, Rowoon already prepared breakfast.

  
“Hmmm... that smells nice.”

  
“Anything for you your highness.” Rowoon said as he watched Soonyoung eat.

  
“Babes?” Rowoon asked.

  
“Yup?”

  
“Will you promise to text me today. I know I said yesterday was okay, and it is. But for my sanity, can you try to text me please.” Rowoon said.  
  
“Yes, okay. I’m sorry for yesterday. Really. I’m not going to make any excuses.”

  
“So, who’s the new creative director at pledis? Do you want me to just buy Pledis for you? I can convince my Dad to invest in the entertainment industry.” Rowoon said.

“First, stop flexing your wealth. Second, I don’t need to own the company. I love my work at the studio, which I own by the way.” Soonyoung said making Rowoon laugh at the petulant tone.

“I know babes. But kidding aside, who’s the new creative director?”

  
“I heard it’s Seungcheol Hyung.” They looked at each other and laugh.  
  
“Hyukjae hyung knows that we’re friends, so I don’t know why he’s going to introduce us over lunch or something.”

“Well, tell Seungcheol hello and congratulations for me, okay? I’m going to the office, but I might drop by in the café later just to make you your daily mango smoothie.”  
  
“You spoil me too much.”

  
“Well, it’s the least I can do for saying being yes to be my boyfriend. I love you.”

  
“I love you too.” Soonyoung said as he went on his tippy toes to give Rowoon a peck on the lips.

  
  
**JIHOON**

  
Jihoon was working on some paper works when the CEO entered his office.

  
“Hey Jihoon-ah, stop working too much on your first day. Relax. Come on, I’ll take you to lunch. I’ll also introduce you to our head choreographer. We worked with him for all our album releases. I want you to meet him because this rookie group that we’re planning to debut would focus more on performance. I need you both to work together for a more cohesive music and choreography.”  
  
“Oh okay.” Jihoon answered.  
They went to a nearby restaurant to meet the choreographer. They were talking about the new group they were going to launch when someone interrupted their conversation.

  
“Hyukjae Hyung!”

  
Jihoon was shocked when Soonyoung approached their table. The CEO stood up and greeted Soonyoung with a hug like they were old friends.

”Soonyoungie, come on. I already ordered for you. Aigoo, you’re losing weight, you have to eat a lot today, okay?” Hyukjae said.  
  
Jihoon didn’t know how to react. The last time they saw each other, he made the other suffer an anxiety attack. Now, he didn’t know how to act in front of Soonyoung, especially now that he knew that the other has no memory of him and his faults.

“I will! I saved a lot of room in here today just for this.” Soonyoung gesturing to his toned stomach.

  
“You seemed to have lost weight. Is Rowoon not feeding you enough?” Hyukjae asked.  
  
“Ruru is feeding me just fine, Hyung. There’s just too much work at the moment. I just got back from Japan and my body has not yet recovered.”

  
“I’m sorry to say that I have more work for you. But before that, this is Jihoon. He’s our new creative director.”  
  
Jihoon stood up to shake Soonyoung’s hand but the latter did not reach for it.

“Oh, we know each other.” Soonyoung said while he took a sit beside Hyukjae.

  
“That’s great then. We’re debuting a new team in two months, and I want this team to focus more on performance, so the vocal and dance aspects must be superb.”

“Hyung, is...”

  
“Aigoo, yes, Chan’s going to be the leader. But don’t tell him just yet, we haven’t announced the final line up yet.” Hyukjae said.

  
“Yes sir!” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Let’s eat first. So, how did you two meet?” Hyukjae asked both Soonyoung and Jihoon. Jihoon was about to answer but Soonyoung interrupted.

“Actually, we met a long time ago. We just recently reconnected.” Soonyoung answered.  
  
“Oh really? So, if your friends with Soonyoungie here, you must also be friends with Seungcheol and Chanie?” Hyukjae asked Jihoon.

  
“Yes Sir.” Jihoon answered.

  
Hyukjae laughed at Jihoon’s formal tone.

  
“No need to be so formal Jihoon. We try to maintain a friendly relationship in the office, right Soongyoungie?”

“Yup, it helps with the creative process.” Soonyoung asked.

  
When they were about to finish their lunch, Hyukjae asked both of them to check out the group of trainees.

  
“We already have a list of members but nothing’s final yet. So, check them out. I want this to be both your baby.” Hyukjae said.

  
Jihoon choked on his drink at the choice of words of the CEO. Soonyoung noticed Jihoon turning red and decided to help him out.  
  
“Hyung! I just remembered. Congratulations! Our gift will be delivered by next week. Rowoon ordered it overseas so the shipping’s a bit slow.” Soonyoung said changing the subject.

  
“You didn’t have to.” Hyukjae upon looking at Jihoon’s confused face further explained. “Oh, our adoption application has finally been approved. We’re not legally married so it was a little difficult to adopt. But thankfully it got thru.”  
  
“Donghae hyung must be so happy!” Soonyoung exclaimed.

  
“Definitely, he’s currently renovating the house making it baby proof and of course the nursery.”

“Congratulations Sir.” Jihoon timidly said.  
  


“Hyung... you can call me hyung. If you’re friends with Soonyoung, I’m sure we’ll get along fine.” Hyukjae said.

“Anyways, I have a meeting at two so can I leave you two here? I think I saw Seungcheol leaving, but can you two handle it on your own? I just need you to check the trainees, give me a list of your recommendations, and few sample beats for comeback track.”

  
“I can do it on my own, Sir. I’m sure Soonyoung-ssi has a lot of things to do.” Jihoon said.

  
“No, it’s fine. It’s kind of my job, Jihoon.”

“I’m sorry but...”

  
“Jihoon, he also acts as a creative consultant for special projects such as this one. I told you I want a cohesive concept, music and choreography so everyone must be hands on. Is there a problem?” Hyukjae asked when he noticed how awkward Jihoon was asking.

“No sir.” Jihoon answered.

  
“I better go. Soonyoung, I’ll see you next week?”

  
“Yes, hyung. Give Donghae hyung my regards.”

  
“Yup. Work hard you two! Bye!” Just like that both Jihoon and Soonyoung were left alone at the restaurant.

“Look if it’s awkward for you to work with me, I’m sure I can handle it on my own.” Jihoon said. 

He didn’t need Soonyoung. He knew he could do it on his own. But more importantly, he didn’t think he could last a day with Soonyoung hovering over him without breaking some sort of promise to Wonwoo.

“Jihoon, this is my job. I don’t even know why your acting all these awkward when last week you were acting so close.” Soonyoung stopped walking and faced Jihoon. “Besides, I don’t think it’s me who feels uncomfortable with the situation. Let’s just be professional. Besides, Chanie is on this team. I want this debut to be perfect.”

Jihoon felt a bit of disappointment that Soonyoung was not as affected as him, when both were going to work together.

“Oh, okay. Let’s go then? I’m sure the kids are waiting.” Jihoon said. 

They walked to the company in silence. Jihoon didn’t really know what to say. After last week’s fiasco, he was scared he might drive Soonyoung into another anxiety attack. He also didn’t know how Soonyoung perceives him at the moment. Wonwoo told him about Soonyoung regaining some of his memories. Jihoon didn’t know how to deal with it at the moment.

“I know I owe you an explanation about last week. Honestly, last week was just exhausting. I just returned from Japan and let’s just say it’s a very long story  which I’m not really in the mood to tell.” Soonyoung finally broke the awkward silence. 

“But since we’re on the job, can we push it aside first? I don’t like being uncomfortable, it stresses me out and you know what happens. So, if it’s okay with you, can we act normal?” Soonyoung asked.

“I don’t know what’s normal when it comes to you.” Jihoon snapped. 

It irritated him that Soonyoung was treating everything, even his apology as if it didn’t matter. It hurt him that Soonyoung can easily brushed aside everything when it was consuming every fiber of his being. But when he saw Soonyoung’s confused face he immediately regretted it. 

“Hey, I’m sorry about that. That’s just me when I’m stressed out, I become a little bit grumpy and I snap a lot at people. I’m sorry. But you’re right. Let’s be professional.”

“Okay.” Soonyoung said quietly. Jihoon noticed that what he said affected Soonyoung more than he let on. He saw how Soonyoung’s immediately tensed and felt bad. He reached out a hand to grab Soonyoung’s hand but stopped.

“Hey, I’m sorry.” Jihoon said in his most affectionate and apologetic tone but Soonyoung just kept looking at the floor. “Please? I’ll try to tone down my grumpiness.” Jihoon promised.

“Okay.” Soonyoung said and finally looked at Jihoon.

“I’m sorry, Soonyoung. Can we start over? Please?” Jihoon asked.

Soonyoung sigh and finally smiled. “Only if you promise not to snap at me.”

“I promise.” Jihoon said. It was a simple promise but Jihoon was determined to keep it. He won’t be breaking any more promises with Soonyoung.

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was waiting for Jihoon in his office. The other boy went to get the lists of trainees that they were supposed to check. He decided to inform Wonwoo about his whereabouts and of course Roowon, since he felt guilty for going AWOL on him the other day.

💬 **Soonyoung / Wonwoo**

Soonyoung blocked Wonwoo. If Wonwoo wants to break up with Mingyu, then that’s his choice. But he needs to tell Mingyu why. Soonyoung was sure Mingyu would understand. He couldn’t understand why Wonwoo was depriving him the chance to make that decision himself.

💬 **Soonyoung / Rowoon**

**JIHOON**

**Jihoon’s Instagram Post**

Jihoon found Soonyoung on his phone comfortably sitting on the couch. Soonyoung was typing away angrily and looked disgruntled over something he read on the phone. Then his expression would switch to something sweeter, and then he’ll have a disgruntled look again. Jihoon was dying with curiosity and wanted to ask, but he didn’t know how. But he remembered that Soonyoung told him to treat him normally, so that’s what he was going to do. 

“My curiosity is killing me, are you constipated or something? Because I have a private bathroom that you can use.” Jihoon said while trying not to laugh when Soonyoung’s scrunched of his face in irritation.

“What? Of course not! Why are you even asking me about my bowel movements?” Soonyoung answered. He didn’t seem to be too offended, so Jihoon continued. 

“Well, your face keeps changing from dripping in sweetness and then you’ll scowl as if you’re mad again. Cute.” Jihoon said and blushed crimson when he realized he just said the last part out loud. Jihoon nervously chewed on his bottom lip as he waited for Soonyoung to talk.

“Oh, Rowoon and Wonwoo are texting me at the same time.” Soonyoung answered as if his answer was explaining the obvious. “And yes, I’m cute. I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t been cute.” 

Jihoon laughed at Soonyoung’s comment. Jihoon felt relieve that Soonyoung was still acting normal around him, but he also felt even guiltier. He didn’t deserve this kindness from Soonyoung. He didn’t deserve to be near him. He did not deserve to witness Soonyoung’s eyes full of laughter, or eyebrows formed into a frown. He didn’t deserve any of this. If Soonyoung knew the truth, would he still treat him the way he’s treating him right now, like old friends?

“You were definitely not cute when we were in high school. You had curly hair and braces.” Jihoon teased.

“I was!! But if I remember correctly, you weren’t cute either.”

“I was too! But you! You had this little button nose! How is that cute?” 

“Hey! You used to love my button nose.” Soonyoung said laughing as he pressed his nose repeatedly while making funny faces. Jihoon laughed at Soonyoung’s antic.

“I still do.” Jihoon blurted without thinking about it. 

“Oh...” Soonyoung suddenly stopped laughing. Jihoon realized what he just said and laughed awkwardly.

“I’m sorry...” Jihoon said. Soonyoung just smiled and Jihoon’s heart stopped for a bit before restarting again. He thought just how many times will Soonyoung unintentionally kill him today with his smile. He also wondered just until when his heart can hold out until it finally gives up.

“Sorry for?” Soonyoung asked him. “You’re just being honest. My button nose is still cute.” Their eyes met and they started laughing; and just like that they overcome the awkward barrier between them.

Jihoon felt like the first day of school when he first met Soonyoung. It was full of laughter, with Soonyoung doing things to make things less awkward. 

  
“Perfect view huh?” Soonyoung teased Jihoon who blushed. “I’ll follow you, follow me back, ok?”

”Sure.” 

** Jihoon Instagram Account **

** **

** **

_** FLASHBACK ** _

_ Jihoon was nervous. It was his first day in a new school and he didn’t really know anyone. He transferred in the middle of the school year from Busan.  _

_ H _ _ e wished Seungcheol was in his year. Then at least he could have at least one friend. But the only person he knew was a year older than him. Seungcheol was the son of the best friend of his father. They grew close thru family get togethers.  _

_ He stood on tip toes trying to see through the glass opening on the door. In the middle of the classroom, there was this boy dancing to Shinee’s Lucifer. What was impressive about him was that he was getting all the moves, even the little details.  _

__

_ Jihoon was shocked when the boy suddenly glanced by the door and their eyes met. He quickly hid behind the door in embarassment for being caught.  _

__

_ To his surprise, the door opened a minute later and the teacher asked him to come inside.  _

_ “Hello there... you must be Jihoon. Come in, and introduce yourself to the class.” The teacher said as he ushered Jihoon inside the classroom.  _

__

_ Jihoon stood in front of the class. He looked around the classroom nervously, he was fidgeting with the helm of his shirt when his eyes met another boy’. The boy smiled at him and he felt like he was staring directly at the sun.  _

__

_ “Hello! My name is Jihoon.” He introduced himself timidly. The teacher took pity on him and asked him to take a seat. He was about to take the furthest seat at the back when a very enthusiastic voice called him. _

_ “Jihoonie! Here! You can take this sit beside me.” Said the boy who was dancing earlier. “I’m Soonyoung!”  _

_ Then he smiled and Jihoon was lost.  _

_ By lunchtime, Jihoon was in love. Soonyoung decided to adopt Jihoon into their little group. He introduced him to his friends, and was attentive enough to notice when Jihoon was uncomfortable. Jihoon went through his first day of class with ease and too much laughter thanks to Soonyoung.  _

__

_ Soonyoung, Wonwoo and Jihoon were walking home together when Wonwoo asked him. _

__

_ “So Jihoon, how was your first day of school? I hope this kid didn’t bother you too much.” He said referring to Soonyoung. _

_ “Yah! I was merely being friendly. But be honest though, if you feel uncomfortable just smack me in the head or something.” Soonyoung said as he skipped while walking. Jihoon laughed and wondered where Soonyoung get the energy from.  _

_ “Thank you. I don’t usually make friends easily and I’m awkward, so thank you for saving me.” Jihoon said to both Wonwoo and Soonyoung, but he was looking at Soonyoung who smiled brightly at the gratitude.  _

_ In response, Soonyoung slung his arms around Jihoon and said “Let’s stay together forever, Jagiya.” This time Jihoon smacked him in the head. Soonyoung pouted for a bit, but he saw that Jihoon was laughing and was only teasing, so he joined them in their laughter. _

**_ End of Flashback _ **

“Earth to Jihoon!” Soonyoung yelled near Jihoon’s ear when he noticed that the boy’s thoughts were somewhere else. 

“Ouch! Soonie, that hurt.” Jihoon said. He blushed when he realized he just called Soonyoung by his old nickname. But the other just brushed it off.

“So, tell me Jihoon, since we’re friends and everything, what’s your alias?” Soonyoung asked him.

“Alias?” Jihoon sat on his computer chair and faced Soonyoung who remained seated on the couch. 

“Your producer name.”

“It’s right there on my Instagram handle.”

“Woozi?”

Jihoon nodded. 

“Can I hear some of your works then?” Soonyoung asked. 

Jihoon stood up, grabbed his phone and sat beside Soonyoung. He didn’t know what song to let Soonyoung hear, when all of his songs were all inspired and written for the latter.

“I have lots though. Some are unreleased.” Jihoon said.

“Well, let me hear your favorite then?” Soonyoung insisted.

“Okay wait.” 

Jihoon could not decide which to song to show Soonyoung, so it took him a while to search through his music files on his phone.

He needed to find something that does not necessarily relate in any way to Soonyoung. He didn’t want to deal with it right not, especially if the one he wrote the songs for does not even remember their history together.

He was busy searching that he didn’t realize when Soonyoung leaned on his shoulder while holding his phone, secretly filming him. Soonyoung kept on poking him when his body reacted on instinct and smacked Soonyoung’s head.

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

🎥:

<https://twitter.com/pledis_17/status/1125430609357107200?s=21>

He was about to apologized but realized soon enough that Soonyoung was laughing. It had been their dynamics even before, Soonyoung would do something silly or act clingy and Jihoon would smack him or push him away. But Soonyoung knew that no matter how much Jihoon pushed him away or smacked him, the latter love those silly advances, so he always does it again. Jihoon smiled when he realized that Soonyoung, despite forgetting about their memories together, was still the same Soonyoung he fell in love with.

Jihoon smiled when he realized that Soonyoung’s mind has forgotten Jihoon, but his heart hasn’t. He still treated him the same way he did before when they were together.

“I can’t seem to find one.” Jihoon said.

“Oh, come on Jihoonie, just one please. Like, something you wrote for a Korean artist.” Soonyoung then gave Jihoon his best pouting face. 

“You’re so pushy!” Jihoon said.

“Oh, come on, you’re going to give in anyway, so why are you making it difficult for me?”

“Okay, okay!” Jihoon said laughing. Jihoon decided to let Soonyoung hear the very first song he wrote the week after he left him. It was his farewell song to Soonyoung. He thought it was the last song he was going to write for the boy, but he was wrong.

“It’s called For This Love. Jinyoung, a friend of mine, sung the demo. But I never sold it to any artist to be released.”

“Why not?” Soonyoung asked.

“It’s a very personal song.” Jihoon said.

“Ohhh… past relationship?” Soonyoung teased.

“One great love.” Jihoon sincerely said. He looked straight at Soonyoung’s eyes hoping the latter would get what his heart is trying to say. “Here let me play it for you.” 

Soonyoung thought that Jihoon was going to play a music file but instead the he stood up and went to sit in front of his piano.

“Want to sit beside me?” Jihoon asked. Soonyoung gulped nervously at the intensity of Jihoon’s gaze, but some force was telling him to go.

He didn’t know why, but there was something pulling him towards Jihoon, so Soonyoung went near Jihoon and sat beside him. Jihoon started playing the piano and sung a very sad song.

**For This Love (Lyrics)**

Song link:

[For This Love - Jinyoung](https://open.spotify.com/track/1CXXVbstWu6kauEEFe7K18?si=gs2FoPu-SI2XjMU6UgolzQ&nd=1)

Soonyoung didn’t know when his eyes started brimming with tears. Jihoon was alarmed when he saw Soonyoung closed to crying.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Jihoon worriedly asked. “What’s wrong Soonie?” Jihoon placed his arms around Soonyoung to comfort the other.

“I’m sorry. The song was just so sad. It was beautiful, but very sad.” Soonyoung said as he wiped away his tears. “I don’t know why, but I feel so hurt for the person at the other end of the line. I feel hurt for the person he’s singing the song to.”

“Why?” 

“Because I feel like the person singing went away, without even asking the other person if it’s okay, without even saying goodbye.” Soonyoung said. Then he laughed awkwardly. “I’m sorry. You must think I’m crazy.”

“No, never.” Jihoon said. He took Soonyoung’s hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. If he knew before what he knew now, would he have made the same decisions as before? Jihoon asked himself.

Soonyoung and Jihoon spent their remaining time in Jihoon’s office. Throughout their time, Jihoon keeps getting startled whenever they accidentally touched. Jihoon almost jumped when Soonyoung’s legs accidentally bumped his, or when Soonyoung place his hands on Jihoon’s thighs whenever he gets distracted. It was all innocent and small touches, but it was making Jihoon’s heart go crazy. He was doing everything he can to stop himself from tearing up. His mind was telling him that everything between them was over, while his heart can’t stop itself from hoping, that maybe their love could just have one more chance. 

They finally returned to work reviewing the trainees’ profile. They needed to thoroughly know the trainees in order to make the proper recommendation. Soonyoung already knew some of them but Jihoon needed Soonyoung’s help to familiarize himself with the trainees.

**SEUNGCHEOL**

He was disappointed. He worked hard over the course of five years just to be overlooked. He gave up a lot of date nights and anniversaries just for his work. He poured everything into his work that sometimes he even neglects Jeonghan’s needs.

Like the time Jeonghan got sick, but he was asked by the company to go to Japan to supervise the recording of their group’s Japanese single. He wanted to stay, but Jeonghan told him to go. Luckily, Jisoo was there to take care of his boyfriend.

Like that one time when he forgot to fetch Jeonghan from the airport during a storm, because he was stuck in the studio making some last-minute adjustments to a song. Like when Jeonghan had asked him if they were ever going to get married, and he couldn’t answer because he was busy thinking about his job. He’s lucky the other boy did not leave him yet, despite of his failures and shortcomings.

He was supposed to meet Jeonghan in a restaurant nearby but the latter was called for a last-minute go-see. It was one of the luxury brands, so Jeonghan could not say no. With nothing else to do, he drove home with a heavy heart. It was one of the drawbacks of their relationship, they were too busy sometimes. But they make up for it in many ways they know how.

When he arrived at their shared home, Seungcheol changed to more comfortable clothes, and spent the rest of the day watching tv with a beer in hand.

💬 **Seungcheol / Jeonghan**


	38. Almost a Kiss

**MINGYU**

**💬 Mingyu / Minghao**

Mingyu thought about the past few months and what changed in their relationship. Mostly it was Wonwoo missing dates and him playing the understanding boyfriend. Was it so wrong of him to seek assurance that their relationship was going somewhere?

They have been together for two years, but he felt that they were not moving forward. When he first suggested living together, Wonwoo told him that he can’t leave Soonyoung. But when Mingyu suggested he moved in to their apartment, Wonwoo said it wasn’t his apartment and Soonyoung would be uncomfortable. But when Mingyu asked Soonyoung if it was okay, the latter agreed. But Wonwoo got mad at him for going behind his back.

It was like Wonwoo made a line, and nobody cancross it but himself and Soonyoung. It was killing Mingyu.  
  
Another thing that bothered him was that Wonwoo had been spending more time taking care of Soonyoung than fulfilling his responsibilities to him. He felt that Wonwoo focused too much onSoonyoung, that he forgot all about him. Wonwoo used to stay at his apartment during weekends, but then Mingyu realized it was only because Soonyoung was in Japan for the past three months. But even then, Wonwoo visited Soonyoung once a month.

He asked himself if Wonwoo was worth all the confusion and pain. But deep in his heart, he knew the answer. He knew that no matter how much pain Wonwoo caused him, he’d still be waiting. He would still love him no matter what. He wished Wonwoo felt the same way.

**Mingyu’s Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo’s Instagram Post**

** SOONYOUNG **

He was excited to see the trainees on the debut line up. He already knew some of them, especiallythe older trainees, as they take classes in Hurricane. Most of them were ready for years, but some still needed a little bit of tweak here and there.

Some of the trainees, like Chan, Jisung, and Jeno, were also part of his dance crew called Highlight. The company allowed them to join competitions for more exposure in the dance world.  
  
“So, we’re just going to observe them. You check their dance skills; I’ll be in charge of vocals.” Jihoon said. “Then, let’s head back to my office and we can compare notes.”   
  
“Okay boss!” Soonyoung excitedly replied.  
  
“I’m not your boss.” Jihoon said.   
  
“Whatever you say boss.”

“Yah.” Jihoon was about to deny it again but Soonyoung winked at him and he noticed that the latter was just being playful. The other boy was just teasing him. They broke into a laugh when their eyes met.

“Seriously, stop making me laugh. I’m supposed to be a scary director and I can’t do that if you keep making me laugh.” Jihoon stopped talking when he saw Soonyoung pouting, then started laughing. He was about to apologize when Soonyoung interrupted him.

“I’m just kidding, Jihoonie. But seriously though, you laugh at everything.” Soonyoung said. They were in front of the practice room and were ready to go inside. The nickname caught Jihoon off-guard. He wanted to hear it all the time.

He wished Soonyoung would just say his name all the time.

“Ready? I’m actually kind of nervous.” Jihoon said. Soonyoung, without thinking, grabbed both of Jihoon’s shoulder and made the latter face him. He then reached for Jihoon’s hair and fixed the strands that were sticking out. He also fixed some of Jihoon’s fringe that were out of place. Then, Soonyoung fixed Jihoon’s collar. Jihoon couldn’t help but shiver when Soonyoung’s fingers brushed along his neck.

Jihoon was rooted in place. He felt his heart fluctuate for a second while his stomach gets filled with butterflies. He stared at Soonyoung and how soft his expression was as he fixed Jihoon’s hair. Jihoon’s eyes filled with tears. He tried to blink it away without the other boy noticing, but failed.  
  
“Jihoonie, what’s wrong?” Soonyoung worriedly asked.  
  
“Give a minute.” Jihoon said as he turned his back on Soonyoung. When he faced Soonyoung again, the tears were gone.

He filled his face with coldness and all the seriousness he could muster. “Let’s go.”

“Is everything okay?” Soonyoung was surprised at Jihoon’s change in demeanor and asked but the other boy was already walking away.

Soonyoung just shrugged at Jihoon’s hot and cold demeanor.   
  
Jihoon on the other hand just wants to put as much space as possible between him and Soonyoung. He couldn’t believe how natural Soonyoung was acting, when he was a bunch of nerves.

He hurried towards the practice room where he knew a bunch of trainees could act as a buffer between him and his feelings for Soonyoung.

**JIHOON**

The trainees were in the middle of practicing when Jihoon and Soonyoung entered. There were fifteen trainees all in all, but only seven or nine were going to make it into the debut team. They stopped when they saw Jihoon entered.

“What? No greeting?” Jihoon said coldly as he crossed his arms and stared at the trainees one by one. The trainees formed a line, and stiffly but respectfully greeted Jihoon. But they all break into smiles when Soonyoung entered.

“Hyung!” The trainees all went to crowd Soonyoung, while the latter returned their greeting with the same enthusiasm.   
  
“Hyung! We missed you. Don’t leave us again. Jun Hyung made us all do cartwheels all the time.” A lanky and handsome looking boy said.

“Aigoo, I was only gone for three months, Jisung…” Soonyoung said. Soonyoung was startled when someone hugged him from behind.   
  
“I missed you Hyung.” Chan said.

“Chanie! I missed you too. By the way kids, I have something for you.” Soonyoung said amidst the cheering. “It’s not much but I hope you guys like it.”  
  
“We like it already, Hyung. As long as it’s from you, we don’t need to know what it is to like it.” Jeno said.

Soonyoung opened his bag and produced several souvenir items he got from Japan. Some of which were figurines of anime characters. The trainees seemed to know which one was for them and took their share while thanking Soonyoung.

Jihoon cleared his throat to remind everyone of his presence. Upon hearing it, the trainees immediately went back to their position in line. Soonyoung, sheepishly smiled at Jihoon in apology for distracting the trainees.

“Let’s start. Show us what you practiced.” Jihoon said in all seriousness, which made the trainees even more nervous, except for Chan who was busy glaring at Jihoon. The trainees proceeded to show them a dance they have been practicing for weeks.

They went back to form line after dancing.

“Okay, that was disappointing.” Jihoon coldly said. “You guys were all over the place. I don’t think anybody in this group is ready to debut at all. Not to mention the dance was sloppily choreographed and you guys barely even sung.” Soonyoung’s smile faltered when Jihoon mentioned how sloppy the choreography was. He tried to rail in the embarrassment he felt when Jihoon criticized his choreography in front of the trainees.

He was a professional, so he knew how to accept criticism, in fact he likes receiving them so he’ll know which one to change or to improve. But when Jihoon said it, Soonyoung couldn’t help but felt a bit hurt, especially when he said it in front of his students, students who looked up to him. The trainees look sympathetic when they saw Soonyoung’s crestfallen face. Chan was glaring at Jihoon even more with clenched fist.

“The choreography is repetitive, it’s like it was done in a hurry, and it does not portray the song itself. Your singing is all over the place, especially in parts where you have to dance with more power. I think you need to improve your stamina. I don’t think I’ll be recommending anyone for debut.” Jihoon coldly said.

“What do you think?” Jihoon referred to Soonyoung who was trying to arrange his face to one which was less devastated. Jihoon’s heart constricted when he saw Soonyoung’s face. He felt like he did something again to hurt the other without even knowing what it was.  
  
“I think that they were just nervous. Why don’t we do our breathing exercises and try again?” Soonyoung suggested, but Jihoon was having none of it.

“I don’t think some breathing exercises will do them any good. Let’s go.” Jihoon said while moving towards the door.

“No, if it’s okay with you I’ll stay with the trainees for a while.” Soonyoung said while he walked towards the trainees who were drenched in sweat. Jihoon had no choice but to go back to his office, confused as to what just happened.

**MINGYU**

Mingyu was supposed to be in class, instead he was at his room contemplating whether to text Wonwoo or Rowoon. He wanted to text Wonwoo because he missed his boyfriend.

He wanted to text Rowoon for reasons that would surely and definitely extinguished whatever hope there is left for his relationship with Wonwoo. But he didn’t have a choice, he thought.

**💬 Mingyu / Rowoon**

****

****

****

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was at Haru Café trying to study for his class that night. But despite everything he does, he couldn’t concentrate. He kept thinking about what Mingyu said to him, and how he accused him of still being in love with Soonyoung.

He was worried that Soonyoung, at that very moment was spending time with Jihoon for work. He thought about how everything he did, despite all his efforts, were never enough. He thought about the fact that, no matter how hard he tried, someone always gets hurt.

**💬 Wonwoo / Chan**

****

**💬 Wonwoo / Rowoon**

**💬 Wonwoo / Mingyu**

Wonwoo put down his phone, gathered his things and put them in his bag. He then waited by the bus stop. When the bus arrived, he rode the bus and took a sit at the very back. He hugged his bag closed to him as he tried to stop the tears that kept falling.

He rode the bus the whole night, just crying and thinking.   
  
He always tried to be strong for everyone around him, but right now at that very moment, he wished things were different. He wished he didn’t need to be strong all the time.

He wished Mingyu would have loved him enough to trust him. He wished Mingyu would have believed him when he said that he wasn’t in love with Soonyoung, at least not anymore.

For so long, he cursed the universe for not writing a happier ending for his love story with Soonyoung. But later on, he realized, that everything happens for a reason. He wasn’t meant to be with Soonyoung, because he was meant to fall even more deeply in love with Mingyu. It’s too bad that Mingyu don’t trust that he does. He knew how he failed Mingyu, but it wasn’t because of lack of love. He knew he disappointed him, but was he supposed to say yes even if he was not ready?

That’ll just hurt both of them in the long run. 

He rode the bus hoping that at the end of the road, his pain would be gone. He thought about all their happy moments, hoping that by the end of the bus ride, he would have thrown them into oblivion and maybe then, just maybe, his pain will subside.

**Wonwoo Instagram Post**

🎥 **Wonwoo’s Phone**

<https://watch.wave.video/5f71a9fa46e0fb000d3782da>

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung apologized to the trainees for putting them in an awkward position. It was his fault why Jihoon thought that the trainees weren’t ready for debut. If they fail to debut this time, Soonyoung thought it was it fault for doing such a lousy job in their choreography. The trainees, on the other hand, were apologetic to Soonyoung. They believed the reason why their new creative director thought that the choreography sucked was because of their lousy execution.

Soonyoung tried his best to make adjustments, while the trainees tried their hardest to pick up the new moves that Soonyoung came up with on the spot.  
  
“Hey Hyung…” Chan offered Soonyoung a water bottle. “Drink up. Don’t worry about what that ass- I meant what Jihoon-ssi said. The choreography is great. We were just tired and didn’t execute it as we should have.”

“Thanks, Chanie, but Jihoon’s right. It does feel flat and repetitive on some areas. But we can change that. Why don’t you guys try to come up with some ideas. Then maybe we’ll pick out the best ones and combine them all together.” Soonyoung said.

He was busy explaining to the kids the parts that they should focus on when Jihoon came inside. Everybody stopped and waited for Jihoon to say something.

Jihoon hesitated for a bit before saying:  
  
“I ordered pizza for everyone. Take a break. Uhm... Soonyoung, do you want to eat in my office?” He stopped and took a deep breath before saying, “We can discuss what Hyukjae Hyung asked us to.”

Soonyoung didn’t want to leave the comfort of the practice room, but he had a job to do so he had no choice but to go with Jihoon. Chan looked at him worriedly, but he tried his best to put on a smile to assure Chan that he’ll be alright.

When they arrived in the office, food was already laid on the table.  
  
“I didn’t know if you still like the same things, so I just ordered everything. There’s also mango smoothie in the freezer, I didn’t want them to melt so I put them in there. Don’t worry I made sure to order one that’s without milk.” Jihoon nervously said while he gestured at the array of food in front of him. 

Soonyoung was shocked with the amount of food that Jihoon has prepared.

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post**

There was a tray of sushi and sashimi. Different bowls of ramen and sukiyaki. There was a plate of okonomiyaki. But what was shocking was that Jihoon even prepared shabu-shabu. There was also a healthy amount of kimchi on the side and a box of pizza with pineapples and fried chicken.  
  
“Uhm… Jihoon, I think this is too much for just the both of us.” Soonyoung said as he took a seat beside Jihoon on the couch.

“Just eat what you can finish and I’ll wrap the leftovers and take them home.” Jihoon said.

“I don’t know where to start.” Soonyoung looked overwhelmed as he examined the array of food in front of him. Without thinking, Jihoon grabbed a chopstick, picked up a piece of sushi, dipped it in sauce, and fed it to Soonyoung, who was startled by the gesture but nonetheless ate it. Jihoon then sliced a piece of okonomiyaki and then fed it again to Soonyoung, who laughed.  
  
“Okay, Jihoon, I can eat by myself. No need to feed me yourself.” Soonyoung took the chopstick from Jihoon begun eating.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what came over me.”   
  
“Hey, it’s okay. No harm done. Eat. I won’t be able to finish all of this by myself.” But despite Soonyoung’s insistence, Jihoon remained in his seat unmoving and just kept staring at the other. So, Soonyoung took Jihoon’s hand and placed a chopstick. He guided Jihoon’s hand toward the Sushi. “Eat and stop staring at me. It’s making me conscious.” Soonyoung jokingly said.  
  
“Soonyoung?”  
  
“Yes?”

“I don’t know what happened earlier, but I felt like I have hurt you in a way. If I did, I’m sorry.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Nah, you were just doing your job.”  
  
“So, I offended you? Sh*t! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I swear.” He pulled his hair in worry.

“Hey! I didn’t say you did.” Soonyoung grabbed Jihoon’s hand to stop him from pulling his hair, but let go immediately.  
  
“But you just said- “

“It’s okay Jihoon-ah. You were right with the choreography being sloppy, we made some changes.” Soonyoung shrugged.

“Oh sh*t, f*ck. I’m sorry.”   
  
“Will you please stop cursing?” Soonyoung looked at Jihoon irritably.   
  
“F*ck. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. It was nothing new, but next time maybe you could tell me in private? Those kids are my students so.. I meant..”

“I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole. I promised myself and here am I breaking that promise at the very first instance.” Jihoon covered his face with both hands in defeat.

“Hey Jihoon, it’s not a big deal. Stop beating yourself over it.” Soonyoung grabbed Jihoon’s hand. “It’s okay. It’s no big deal.” 

Jihoon stared at Soonyoung’s hands which were still holding on to his. Soonyoung gave them a squeeze before returning to his meal.

Jihoon did not want to let go. Soonyoung noticed Jihoon still staring at his hands. 

“Earth to Jihoonie. Eat please. And you promised yourself what?”  
  
“Are you sure?” Jihoon finally looking at Soonyoung.   
  
“Yes, so what promise?”

Jihoon hesitated before answering. He didn’t want to tell Soonyoung about his promise of not hurting him ever again, so he made up one: 

“That I’ll try my best not to be grumpy.”  
  
“Well, that’s certainly going to be a very difficult promise to keep.” 

“Yah!”

“I don’t think I ever saw the great Lee Jihoon not being grumpy.” Soonyoung smirked. The next thing he knew he wrestled Soonyoung until his back hit the couch and started tickling him, both of them in fits of laughter.

“Kidding! I’m just kidding Jihoon! Stop! You’re going to make me puke all over your couch!” Soonyoung said as he tried to stop Jihoon from tickling him any further.   
  
“Okay, but seriously. Do you have a list?” Jihoon asked.

Jihoon stopped and immediately moved slightly away when he realized he was almost lying on top of Soonyoung, with both legs at Soonyoung’s side, one hand on his waist, while the other on the juncture between the neck and shoulder. Their faces close.

He could almost taste Soonyoung’s lips, if he leaned a little bit closer. But he stopped himself from leaning in further, but he unconsciously licked his lips.

“Li-list?” Soonyoung swallowed nervously as he watched Jihoon unconsciously licked his lips. His heart was beating erratically at Jihoon’s closeness. Jihoon’s smell was engulfing every bit of of his senses. He smelled of fresh soap and baby powder.

It was enticing as the warmth of a fireplace on an extremely cold winter night.

“Of the trainees?” Jihoon’s voice went down to a whisper making his voice huskier than usual, as he continued staring intensely at Soonyoung below him.

He brushed Soonyoung’s hair with his right hand, tracing his cheeks with his thumb and the simple touch made Soonyoung hitch his breath and close his eyes while he shivered from the touch. He was confused as to why his body was reacting to Jihoon in such a way.

It scared Soonyoung how he much he wanted to lean into the touch.   
  
“uhh... ye-yeah.” As Soonyoung answered Jihoon hesitated for a second before he leaned in closer to kiss Soonyoung on the lips, but at the last moment Soonyoung turned his head on the side that his kiss landed on his cheeks instead. He rubbed his nose on Soonyoung’s cheeks and traced light kisses on his jaw. Jihoon inhaled Soonyoung like an addict would to a drug.

“Ji-jihoon?”

“Hmm?” He responded as he continuously kissed Soonyoung’s face, breathing in his scent. He missed the closeness of Soonyoung so much. He longed for him for so long. He wanted Soonyoung to know that.

So, he kissed both his closed eyes, cheeks, nose, the side of his lips, and trailed kisses all over his jaw, making Soonyoung pant and shiver in want. Soonyoung let out a gasp when Jihoon buried his nose and nuzzled on Soonyoung’s neck and allowed his body to pressed against Soonyoung. He shivered when Jihoon left open mouth kisses on his neck, all the way to his collarbone only to move back again to the space just below his ear. He let his lips brush Soonyoung’s ears, hand raking on his hair while the other explored Soonyoung’s body until Jihoon reached the helm of his shirt seeking access. But when his lips ghosted Soonyoung’s lips, he heard the latter whispered:

“Stop... please...”

When Jihoon heard Soonyoung whimpering below him, he immediately let go of the boy and stood as far as possible from him. 

“I’m sorry, Soonyoung. F*ck! I’m so sorry.”


	39. Aftermath

**MINGYU**

Mingyu read Wonwoo’s message for the tenth time that day and his heart shattered over and over again. He asked himself if it were the case, if what Wonwoo said was true.

He asked himself if it were truly him who drove their relationship into oblivion. Was he truly asking more than Wonwoo was willing to give? But what about his needs?

💬 **Mingyu / Soonyoung**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung didn’t know what just happened with Jihoon. One minute they were joking around like old friends and the next second Jihoon was kissing him like he was worshipping him. Soonyoung excused and hid himself in Jihoon’s private bathroom.

Soonyoung was confused. He felt Jihoon’s agony and longing with every kiss he left. It was like Jihoon yearned for him for so long. It felt like Jihoon missed every part of Soonyoung. He felt how Jihoon savored every breath he took inhaling Soonyoung’s scents.

But what confused Soonyoung even more was how his heart reacted to Jihoon. He had a crush on Jihoon back in high school, but that was it. It never went beyond anything than a crush, because Jihoon left for college in the States.

That’s what his mind was telling him, but his heart kept telling him that crushes don’t feel the way that he’s feeling at the moment. It was just a crush, he told himself. Besides, he was in love with Rowoon.

“Okay heart, stop it. It was just a crush and it was so long ago. Please heart, stop acting up.” Soonyoung told himself while he clutched his heart with his hand. He willed himself to be calm down. When he looked at himself at the mirror, he found himself looking very flushed. Luckily, he thought, Jihoon did not leave a mark. He stared at himself and started crying. He asked himself how could he do that to Rowoon, his Rowoon who had nothing been but understanding and loving their whole relationship.

He was beginning to sob uncontrollably so he turned on the water on the sink and covered his mouth with his hands to muffle the sound of his crying. But it was no use. 

“Soonyoung… I’m sorry…”

Jihoon was knocking softly outside the bathroom. “Please, let me in. Just tell me if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay. Don’t worry I’ll be out in a second.” Soonyoung said. He tried to sound as normal as possible, but his voice sounded shaky. He was trembling all over.

“Should I call, Wonwoo?” Jihoon asked.

“No! Just give me a second, please.” Soonyoung begged while he continued to cry and grasp for air. Calm down, he told himself. He hugged himself and continued sobbing.

⛔️⛔️⛔️

He could feel his heart beating faster. It was pounding so loud that he tried to cover his ears to no use. He was trembling all over. His knees became weak, so he decided to sit on the floor, but he could not stop shaking and sweating. 

He grasp for air as he was having difficulty breathing.

He felt that everything was closing in ok him. 

He took his phone and tried to call Wonwoo, but stopped just in time when he realized what he was doing. He can’t continue doing this to his best friend, he thought. So, he opened an app that allows him to follow a breathing technique. He allowed himself to be immersed into the calming voice coming from his phone, while he kept reminding himself that it will pass and everything will be okay.

🟢🟢🟢

When he finally calmed down, he washed his face and fixed his clothes. He still looked puffy and his eyes swelled from the crying. He just hoped that the bloating will go down by the time Rowoon fetched him at the end of the day. He needed Wonwoo.

He was so confused, and Wonwoo was his only anchor to reality but his friend was going through a tough time right now. He needed to deal with it on his own.

He lay down on the bathroom floor and made himself a makeshift pillow from his hoodie. He told himself that he’ll just rest for a minute but fell asleep from exhaustion.

**JEONGHAN**

Jeonghan finished his go-see earlier than expected. He arrived to a dark apartment at around midnight. Every light in the apartment was turned off. When he turned on the lamp on the living room, he was shocked with the bottle of beers strewn across the room. The were also plates and boxes of unfinished food. He decided to check on Seungcheol first and clean the mess up later. He went to their room but to his surprise no one was there.

“Babes?” He called on to an empty apartment. He immediately grabbed his phone and dialed Seungcheol’s number. He heard ringing coming from the closet near their room. When he opened it, his heart ached at the sight of his boyfriend clinging on to his used coats. 

“Hey, baby.” He crouched down to the sleeping Seungcheol and brushed his hair aside. His boyfriend had been crying. “Hey Cheollie, wakey wakey. I’m home.”

“Hanie?” Seungcheol pulled Jeonghan to his lap and engulf him in a tight hug. “I missed you, what took you so long?”

“I’m sorry. It was an important go-see. I’m sorry. I’m here now.”

“I didn’t get the promotion.”

“I know, honey. It’s okay.” Jeonghan straddled Seungcheol and hugged him even tighter and comfortingly rub Seungcheol’s back. 

“Jihoon got it.” Seungcheol whimpered, head buried on Jeonghan’s neck. Jeonghan’s heart ached for his boyfriend.

“I heard. He’s with Soonyoung right now. I think Hyukjae Hyung assigned them a job or something.” Seungcheol raised his head in alarm to look at Jeonghan.

“Sh*t! I should have been there.”

“It’s okay, baby. You needed time for yourself and it seems as if they’re getting along fine.” Jeonghan said while he caressed the hair of his boyfriend who relaxed when he heard that his friends were somewhat getting along.

“I just hope nothing bad happens.” Seungcheol said as he went back to burying his face on Jeonghan’s neck.

“Stop worrying about them. Soonyoung will be fine, and Jihoon is much to in love with him to do anything that will hurt him.”

“Okay…” Seungcheol whispered.

“Baby, why are we in the closet?” Jeonghan asked as he held Seungcheol’s face on his hands and brushing his fingers on his boyfriend’s tear stained cheeks. 

“I wanted to be close to you because I missed you, and I thought maybe your smell would help and it did.”

“Aigoo.” Jeonghan, while still straddling Seungcheol, cupped the latter’s face on both his hand and kissed him softly at first. But when he felt Seungcheol’s hand move from his waist to his thighs, he deepend the kiss.

Seungcheol let out of gasp of surprise when Jeonghan grinded against him. Sungcheol let his hands travel upwards towards Jeonghan’s torso but Jeonghan stopped kissing him. Still out of breath, he stood up and pulled Seungcheol towards their bedroom.

“Come on loverboy, I don’t think the closet is a good enough place for what I have planned for you tonight.” Jeonghan said, face flushed and lips red from kissing. 

“Besides, I have a surprise for you. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable while I freshen up for a bit?” Then, he went to the bathroom.

Seungcheol hurriedly took off all his clothes and went under the covers. When Jeonghan came back, Seungcheol’s jaw dropped when he saw what his boyfriend was wearing. For the millionth time since they got together, he realized just how sizzling hot his boyfriend is. He spent the night feeling happy, loved, and thankful for his very hot boyfriend who was willing to do just about anything to comfort him.

**Seungcheol Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Soonyoung had been in the bathroom for more than an hour. It was driving Jihoon crazy with worry and self loathing. He hated himself for allowing the moment to get to him. He should have practiced more self control. How was he going to explain to Soonyoung just what happened? He asked himself. He stood up and went to the bathroom door again. He knocked on the floor and was getting worried from the lack of response.

“Soon?” He called out softly. “Open the door or I’m coming in.” 

He went to his desk and got a set of keys. He opened the door and was surprised when he saw Soonyoung on the floor with his makeshift pillow, sleeping. 

He was very dishiveled, face blotchy, eyes red and swollen from crying. Half of his shirt was wet, probably from washing his face repeatedly. But he was calm, and asleep.

“Soonie?” Jihoon knelt beside Soonyoung and brushed away his hair. “Hey Soonie, it’s dirty on the floor and cold.”

Soonyoung started stirring up awake from Jihoon’s touch. When Soonyoung finally opened his eyes, he was shocked that Jihoon was crouching beside him. Jihoon helped Soonyoung up.

“Will you excuse me for a second?” Soonyoung asked him.

“Are you going to lock yourself again?” Jihoon retorted.

“I just need to wash my face Jihoon.” Soonyoung then went straight to the sink and proceeded to splash cold water on his face and neck. He was soaked but at least he’s awake, he thought. Then, Soonyoung went straight to the couch and grabbed the list of trainees. He unceremoniously checked several names on the paper, signed his name and stood up. He then gathered his things and prepared to leave.

Soonyoung was almost by the door when Jihoon realized what the other was doing. So, he grabbed Soonyoung’s hand made the latter face him.

“Soonyoung… please… Can we talk about this?” Jihoon begged.

“Please, let me go.”

“I can’t let you go like this. Please…”

“I’m not blaming you, okay?” Soonyoung finally faced Jihoon, his eyes filled with tears threatening to fall again. “I’m just… I don’t know what’s happening.” 

When the first tear fell, the rest followed in unbroken stream. Jihoon pulled the other into an embrace. He held him tight and let him sobbed into his shoulders.

“It’s going to be okay. Just cry it out. It’s going to be okay, Soonie.” Jihoon said to a sobbing Soonyoung. “I’m sorry.”

When Soonyoung’s crying fit finally came to an end, Jihoon pulled the other boy and made him sit on the couch. He asked Soonyoung to wait while he grabbed a towel and an extra shirt and hoodie. When he returned, he crouched in front of Soonyoung and cleaned up the traces of tears and snot from his face.

“You’re still a cry baby, Soonie.” Jihoon said as he brushed his thumb along Soonyoung’s cheeks. “Come on, let’s change your shirt.” 

Jihoon was about to lift Soonyoung’s shirt off when the latter stopped him.

“I can do it.”

“Oh, okay.” Jihoon stood up and turned away to give Sooyoung privacy. After a couple of second and rustling, Soonyoung told Jihoon that he was done. Jihoon grabbed his hoodie and gave it to Soonyoung.

“Wear the hoodie, and drink this.” Jihoon said as he gave Soonyoung a water bottle. “I think we should talk.”

Jihoon sat beside Soonyoung. When Jihoon noticed that the other boy had no plans of responding he continued:

“Okay then, I’ll talk and you listen. I’m sorry. That was an inappropriate thing to do and I take full responsibility. It was just a mistake on my part. You can smack me, kick me, anything you want to do to make you feel better. Please, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Soonyoung’s face flashed with hurt for a moment.

“So, it was a mistake?” Soonyoung asked. Jihoon was taken aback by the question.

“No! It wasn’t! At least not for me…”

“You just said…”

“I know what I said!” Jihoon snapped but apologized immediately when he saw Soonyoung’s startled face. “Shit! I’m sorry. Okay, wait.” 

Jihoon took a deep breath. 

“I’m sorry for putting you in this position. I’m sorry if this is confusing. I’m sorry for always snapping at you. I’m sorry for a lot of things. Mostly, I’m sorry because sitting here with you and having this conversation still makes me want to kiss you but I know that you’re with Rowoon and I don’t deserve to be that close to you.”

“Are you done?” Soonyoung asked. Jihoon nodded in response. “I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

Soonyoung hesitated for a bit so Jihoon took his hands in his and squeezed them assuringly. Soonyoung took a deep breath before speaking.

“I have gaps, in my memory. Sometimes, there are things that I think happened but I’m not sure. There are things that I feel that are too real but sometimes I don’t know what they mean. I know it’s confusing and I’m trying my best to cope. But today, after what happened, I feel even more confuse and I feel like everything is getting out of hand. I also have anxiety. It’s all under control but stressful things, especially ones that somehow relates to my loss memories, triggers it.” Soonyoung said.

“I’m sorry. This is my fault, I shouldn’t have-”

“No. I’m also partly at fault. I- I think for a moment I wanted it to happen.” Jihoon’s stomach dropped from Soonyoung’s revelation. 

“I know there are things between us that I don’t remember, and there are things in my dreams that scares me so much.” Soonyoung continued. 

“Is that why you’re not asking questions? Is that why your not interested in what happened in the cafe?”

“Yes, it scares me so much that I feel if I knew I won’t be able to bear it. I feel like I’m not yet ready to remember.” Soonyoung said. “I feel close to you and comfortable but at the same time there’s this distance between us that I don’t understand. I feel this big gap wherein I don’t know how to fill. But at the moment I don’t want to know the reason why. I hope you can respect that.”

“Of course.”

“Let’s just be professional and finish this work and hopefully everything will go back to normal.” Soonyoung suggested. 

“I don’t want to make things difficult for you. If you have questions, you can always ask me. I will never lie to you, Soonyoung.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“But—”

“I said no Jihoon.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Can I lie down for a bit? I still feel exhausted but I can go if you want.”

“No! I meant, of course. Do you want me to leave?” Jihoon asked.

“No, it’s okay. Stay…” said as he watched Soonyoung lie down on the couch. He took the blanket he usually keeps just in case he needed to stay the night and covered Soonyoung with it. “Sleep well Soonie.”

** Jihoon Twitter Post **

****


	40. Rowoon’s Heartache

**Rowoon’s Instagram Post**

**ROWOON**

Rowoon was getting worried. It was nearing midnight and Soonyoung wasn’t answering his calls. He was by his parked car outside Pledis building still trying to call Soonyoung when he saw Chan come out with some of the other trainees.

“Chan!”

“Hyung! What are you doing here?” Chan asked as he said goodbye to his friends.

“I came to fetch Soonyoung. He’s not answering any of my calls. Can you help me?”

“Okay, come on. I think he’s still with Jihoon at the studio. Maybe his phone is on silent.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Rowoon answered. 

Chan let Rowoon in the building. They took the elevator to the floor where the studios were located. Jihoon’s office was also there. They arrived at a completely deserted floor with all the lights turned off except for one room where the door was slightly ajar. Rowoon and Chan walked towards the door, when they opened the door it revealed Soonyoung sleeping soundly on the couch while Jihoon was sitting on the floor facing Soonyoung. Jihoon’s his head rested on the couch, while their hands were intertwined. Soonyoung was holding his hand while they sleep.

Rowoon clenched his fist and looked down. The, he turned his back and walked away.

“Hyung, wait. I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.” Chan said as he followed Rowoon to the elevator. Rowoon remained quiet the rest of the elevator ride. “Hyung…”

“It’s okay, Chan. Please, don’t tell Soonyoung that we went to the building. I don’t want him to worry. I’ll just try him again on the phone.” Rowoon said dejectedly. It was clear how hurt Rowoon was but he was still worrying about Soonyoung.

“Let me go and wake them up then.” Chan suggested. They were back outside again with Rowoon going straight to his car. 

“No, it’s okay. You can go ahead. If you don’t mind, please go. I kind of want to be alone right now.” Rowoon said as he dialled Soonyoung’s phone for the hundredth time that night.

Chan looked at Rowoon worriedly before walking away. Rowoon sat on the curb of the road and continuously called Soonyoung’s number. Under a lonely street lamp, he didn’t realized that tears were falling down his face. He cried for the first time in years. 

He knew there’s a reasonable explanation, or not, he doesn’t care. He told himself it doesn’t matter, that Soonyoung loved him and only him. He trusted their Soonyoung entirely. He was not the type to cheat on him, they value each other too much for that. But he still can’t convince his heart to stop hurting. 

It hurt him, how Soonyoung, despite not being able to remember, is still drawn to Jihoon with the same intensity as before. Soonyoung didn’t need the memories, his heart recognized Jihoon. If that’s the case, then where will that leave him? He asked himself.

He was lost in thought when the doors of the building suddenly opened and a panicked and panting Soonyoung came out. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Rowoon but immediately worried when he saw his boyfriend’s eyes were a bit red.

“Ruru!” Soonyoung ran to Rowoon and engulfed him in his arms with as much force as he could. Soonyoung noticed that it took a while before Rowoon could return the hug. 

“Ruru? Love?” Rowoon kept quiet the whole time. He held Soonyoung by the nape and gave him soft peck on the forehead. He freed himself from Soonyoung’s embrace and without saying anything, opened the door at the passenger’s side. He gestured for Soonyoung to get in. Then he went to the driver’s side, started the car, and drove Soonyoung home.

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo woke up to someone nudging him. He was sleeping in a very uncomfortable position. But he jumped up when he remembered where he was. 

“Sh*t!” 

“Hey, you’re finally awake.” The bus driver said. “I’ve been trying to wake you up for the last 10 minutes.” 

Wonwoo looked around him. He was the only one left in the bus with the driver. They were in a deserted place with several buses already parked. It was already dark outside. When he checked his phone, it was already past midnight and there were several calls from his friends, but none from Mingyu.

“Uhm.. Where are we?” He asked the bus driver. 

“We’re in the garage. I tried to wake you but you were sleeping and I needed to park the bus by this time, so I had no choice but to just drive with you still here.” 

“Oh, I’m so sorry about that. I must have been tired more than I realized.” Wonwoo said as he pick up his bag.

“Are you going to be alright? There are no cabs here. I can drive you to an area where there are cabs.” The bus driver kindly offered. 

“No, it’s okay. I can call a friend of mine to pick me up. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.” 

“Okay, take care then.” 

Wonwoo got off the bus and it was only then that he noticed that he was in a huge parking lot full of buses. He followed the driver to the gate and it was there that they separated. He was in an unfamiliar place with not much activity. There were little light by the road. It was like being in a deserted place. He sat on the side walk and opened his phone. He tried to decide whom to call at this hour. 

He decided to call Soonyoung, who answered at first ring.

“Soonie?”

“Hey.. What’s up? Is everything okay?” Soonyoung whispered on his phone.

“Why are you whispering? Is everything okay?” Wonwoo asked. 

“Yes, how about you?” Soonyoung whispered again.

“Just speak comfortably.” Someone on the background said.

“Yes, okay. I’m sorry Wonu, what were you saying?”

“Is everything alright?” Wonwoo asked. 

“Yes, of course. I don’t know. Where are you?” Soonyoung responded. 

“What’s wrong?” Wonwoo insisted hearing a bit of distress in Soonyoung’s voice. 

“Nothing’s wrong, what’s wrong with you?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, now what’s wrong with you? Seungkwan said you didn’t go to class.”

“Actually, I rode a bus and I fell asleep. I’m at this garage place and there are no cabs or buses available.” Wonwoo explained. 

“What? Okay text me the address. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“Are you sure?” Wonwoo asked. 

“Yes! Now text me where you are.”

“Okay, thank you.”

“Be safe and i’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“I love you Soonie.”

“Aigoo, i love you too. Now address please?”

“Okay! See you.”

Wonwoo hung up the phone and texted the adress written on the gate. He wished he wore warmer clothes, but he was only in a light shirt and cardigan. The night was getting colder and the stars seemed to have disappeared. Hopefully the moon don’t desert him too. His stomach rumbled from hunger. He realized he hadn’t had dinner yet and his last meal was when he ate a piece of toast that morning.

**Wonwoo Instagram Post**

**💬 Mingyu / Groupchat**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung felt cold. After getting in the car, Rowoon had yet to say a word to him. The silence was killing him, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask what’s wrong. Rowoon didn’t even put on his seat belt, one which he usually uses as an excuse to kiss Soonyoung. 

He was about to break the silence when his phone rang. He answered on first ring when he saw that it was Wonwoo. He didn’t know why but he kept whispering, until Rowoon said to talk comfortably. Wonwoo asked Soonyoung to pick him up. 

“Ruru..” Soonyoung whispered, but Rowoon did not answer. “Ruru, uhmm.. I need to..” 

Rowoon just kept looking straight ahead and didn’t answer Soonyoung. Rowoon looked so devoid of emotion. Soonyoung didn’t know if it’s his guilty heart or Rowoon was acting cold towards him. But he can’t focus on that right now, Wonwoo needed him, so instead of asking Rowoon what’s wrong, he just asked to be let off the car. 

“Can you just let me off here? Uhmm.. I’m sorry but I need to fetch Wonwoo.” Soonyoung finally said. To his surprise, Rowoon pulled over by the side of the road and waited. Soonyoung looked at Rowoon who just kept looking forward. Then, he realized Rowoon was waiting for him to get off the car. “Oh, okay. Can I call you later, Ruru?” When Rowoon did not answer, he got off the car. He felt scared as he watched Rowoon drive away. 

Soonyoung texted Wonwoo that he was on his way. He luckily hailed a cab just as it started raining. On the way, he willed himself not to think about Jihoon and Rowoon. Wonwoo needed him and there was no way he was going to fail his best friend, he thought.

** Soonyoung Twitter Post **

** MINGYU **

Mingyu was pacing around the apartment, biting his nails. He was worried for Wonwoo. It wasn’t like him to be lost and to missed important exams, the boy was an epitome of responsibility. His worry grew exponentially when it started raining. 

He was also feeling guilty about what he said about Soonyoung. Soonyoung was his friend, why was he treating him that way. He was one of his best friends, in fact they were like brothers. Soonyoung had always treated him like a brother, and he was being mean to him just because he was jealous. He looked at his photos and realized that it wasn’t just Wonwoo and Soonyoung that had a lot of history together, they also share a lot. Soonyoung was there for him everytime he needed him. In fact, every time he had Wonwoo troubles, it was always Soonyoung that goes to for advice.

**Mingyu’s Old Instagram Posts**

He hated himself when he realized what he had been doing. His jealousy is not an excuse, he told himself. He didn’t liked what he was becoming, so tried to call Soonyoung, but he didn’t answer.

💬 **Mingyu / Soonyoung**

**Rowoon’s Twitter Post**

**ROWOON**

He couldn’t believe he just left Soonyoung alone at night in the middle of the road. He didn’t even say a word to the other, and now it’s raining, he thought. He grew more worried when he arrived where he left Soonyoung, and the other boy was already gone. 

“Sh*t!” He pulled over by the side of the road and dialled Soonyoung’s number, but it went straight to voice mail. He won’t be able to forgive himself if something happens to Soonyoung. He tried calling Wonwoo, but it also went straight to voice maolil. He slammed his arms on the steering wheel in frustration.

“Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!” He cried in frustration. He remembered Soonyoung’s face when he got out of the car. He was confuse and scared. He tried texting some of Soonyoung’s friend when he was added to a group chat with Jeonghan and Seungcheol. 

💬 **Rowoon / Jeonghan / Seungcheol**

Rowoon didn’t know what to do. For the first time in his relationship with Soonyoung, he felt that he failed the other. He just hoped nothing bad will happen to the other or Jeonghan would definitely skin him alive, grill him, and feed him to the wolves.

He also didn’t know what he’s do if that happens. He felt so bad for the cold treatment he gave Soonyoung. He should have just told him what he saw and asked what’s it about, instead of jumping into conclusions. But he was hurt, and so scared.

**Soonyoung’s Twitter Post**

**SOONYOUNG**

The cab driver kept looking at him, and it was making hi nervous. He couldn’t see where he was going because of the rain. Plus, he can’t stop worrying about Wonwoo and Rowoon. 

“Are you okay?” The cab driver asked. 

“Yes, thank you. I’m just in hurry that’s all.” Soonyoung said. He hugged himself at the back, feeling a little unconscious with the way the cab driver was staring at him.

“Are you cold?” The cab driver asked again. 

“Yes, a little bit.” Soonyoung answered, hoping that the cab driver would turn on the heater. Soonyoung was startled when the cab driver suddenly pulled over beside the road. It scared Soonyoung as the place was already dark and deserted. “Ajussi, is there something wrong?”

“Well, you said you’re cold.” The driver said and at the same time reached for something below the passenger seat. 

Soonyoung was relieved when he saw that it was a blanket. 

“Here, you can use this. The heater’s broken, so this will help.” The driver said as he gave Soonyoung the blanket and smiled kindly. He then went back to driving.

“Thank you.” Soonyoung said as he covered himself up with the blanket. He felt guilty for being judgmental and for thinking bad about the driver who was only being kind. 

Soonyoung can’t help but think about Jihoon. He tried to think about the recent memories he had with him, but he can’t. He remembers meeting him in their younger years, and they were really close friends. But after that, his mind goes blank. It scared him. 

**💬 Soonyoung / Jihoon**

****


	41. SOONWOO

Wonwoo ran towards the bus stop when it started raining. He was hungry and cold. He just wanted to go home. But he was in the middle of nowhere, luckily Soonyoung was on the way. 

After almost two hours of waiting, he finally saw a cab slowing down near the bus stop. Soonyoung came out and ran towards Wonwoo, while the cab waited.

“Wonunu! Are you okay? You’re freezing!” Soonyoung took off his coat and drape it on Wonwoo. “Come on, let go home.”

Inside the cab, Soonyoung took off Jihoon’s hoodie and used it to wipe Wonwoo, who was little soaked, dry. Wonwoo didn’t realize that he was crying. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Soonyoung as he engulf Wonwoo in a hug. “It’s going to be okay. I’m here.”

“There must be something wrong with me, people keep leaving. People keep demanding for more. I don’t have anything else to give.” Wonwoo said as he cried in Soonyoung’s shoulder. 

“Hey, for the record you’re the one who left Mingyu.” Soonyoung said and Wonwoo punched him softly. “Kidding! But I’m here Won, always. You and me forever Wonunu. So, you don’t have to worry about everyone leaving because I will never leave you, not for anyone in the world.” Soonyoung held Wonwoo even tighter. 

He knew how his best friend was hurting. Wonwoo always tries to be strong and deal with his problems on his own, it is a rare occassion to see Wonwoo break down. If he does, then he must really be in pain. Soonyoung tries his best to be there for him, especially in moments like this one. 

The very first time thathe broke down was when his father told him they couldn’t afford college. Wonwoo had a college fund which he inherited from his grandmother, a fund that his father used for business without Wonwoo’s knowledge, and fund that his father lost.

Wonwoo had always valued his academics. In fact, he has always been an academic achiever, placing first in rank in all the years they have been classmates, not just for their class and school, but for their whole city. 

That’s why when his father told him the bad news, he took it bad. He told his father he’d still go, even if he had to work. But his father wanted Wonwoo to stay and just learn in managing their small shop. 

It was Soonyoung who convinced Wonwoo’s father to let Wonwoo go. That Wonwoo was made for greater things, and that he’ll always support him no matter what. Wonwoo’s father agreed on the condition that Wonwoo gets a scholarship. 

So, Soonyoung tried to apply for all scholarships available for Wonwoo, but failed, since the deadlines are already over and the scholarships he declined before were already given to others. They were advised to apply again the year after. Wonwoo depended so much on that college fund. 

Since they failed to meet the condition, Wonwoo was devastated. Soonyoung could not bear to see his best friend waste his life for something that he didn’t want. So, he split his scholarship money with him and decided to get a part time job. 

Soonyoung tighten his hold on his best friend.  They arrived home at past 3 am, with Wonwoo sleeping on his arms. 

“Is your boyfriend going to be alright?” The cab driver asked looking concerned.

“Oh, this is my best friend and yes, he will be. Thanks ajussi for helping me get him.” Soonyoung said as he paid the cab driver, giving him a healthy tip. “Take care! God bless!”

Wonwoo finally woke up. He also thanked the driver. They both got off in front their aparment building. 

“Hey come on, we both need a hot bath and a rest.” Soonyoung said as he pulled Wonwoo by the arm. He wrapped is arms around Wonwoo as they walked towards their apartment. Both were surprise when they saw Rowoon outside their door, sitting on the floor. 

“Rowoon?” Soonyoung said which woke up the sleeping boy.

“Soon! You didn’t text and I was worried!”

“Oh, sorry. It was raining real hard and I didn’t want to waste battery life in case I needed my phone to find Wonwoo.”

“Can we talk?” Rowoon hesitated for a bit before reaching for Soonyoung’s hands. 

“Hey, Soon I’ll go ahead. I think Rowoon’s here to pick you up.” Wonwoo said as he freed himself from Soonyoung and went inside the apartment.

Soonyoung let go of Rowoon’s hand and look straight at Rowoon. He wanted to talk to his boyfriend, but at the moment his concern was Wonwoo. He was also feeling guilty about what happened earlier that night with Jihoon. 

“Let’s talk some other time. I hope you understand, but Wonu needs me. Besides, I’m really exhausted and cold. If you don’t mind, let’s talk some other time.” Soonyoung said.

“I can stay and help you here. Please, Soonyoung. I’m sorry about earlier.” Rowoon pleaded. 

He was hurt with what he saw, but at the present he was more scared than hurt. He didn’t want to lose Soonyoung, and he felt he just might if Soonyoung regains his memory. Plus, he acted like jerk that night. He actually left Soonyoung in the middle of the road. 

“Ruru, it’s okay. We can talk about it some other time. Right now, I’m just really worried about Wonwoo and... and... I also have something to tell you.” This time it was Soonyoung who reached for Rowoon and hugged the other boy tightly. It scared Rowoon. Was Soonyoung saying goodbye? He asked himself. But they were okay just that morning, he even asked him that morning to marry him. He didn’t know when things got complicated. 

“I swear we’ll talk. I just need to be there for Wonu. The rest can wait. Go home and rest.” Soonyoung said as he kissed Rowoon on the cheek. He tried to free himself from Rowoon’s embrace but the latter just continued holding him. 

“Are we okay?” Rowoon quietly asked, holding Soonyoung tighter when the latter did not answer immediately.

“I don’t know.” Soonyoung whispered. “You tell me, but some other time. I have to go.” Soonyoung gave Rowoon one more hug and went insde the apartment.

💬 **Soonyoung / Mingyu**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was so exhausted when they arrived. All he wanted to do was sleep, he was about to lie down on the couch when Soonyoung entered. 

“Don’t you dare lie down! You’re in wet clothes and you need a hot bath. Wait here while I prepare one.”

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Wonwoo asked his friend as he followed him to the bathroom.

Soonyoung turned on the hot water on the tub and sprinkled epsom salt then liquid lavender soap. 

“I’m here to make sure you take a bath and eat. Wait here and get into the tub once it’s warm enough. I’ll cook us ramen.” Soonyoung said.

Before Soonyoung could leave, Wonwoo hugged Soonyoung from behind. 

“Thank you for staying.”

“Clingy Wonu. Get in the tub! I don’t want you to get sick.”

“How about you? You’re also in wet clothes.” 

“I’ll take a quick shower once you’re settled. So, tub now!”

Wonwoo took off his clothes and soaked himself in the tub. He kept thinking about what he said to Mingyu. He still wanted to be with him, but he can’t keep holding on to him knowing that there are things that Mingyu wants that he can’t give.Mingyu deserved someone who can fully commit to the relationship, not like him who is still indecisive with the future that he wants and full of burdens. But he wasn’t at the stage in life that he can settle down, where he can give his everything to one person. Soonyoung needed him and of course his family needed him. He was so lost in thought that he got startled when Soonyoung spoke.

“Yah! I thought you drowned. Come on, food’s ready. I’ll just take a quick shower then join you.”

He got off the tub and dried himself off his towel on the rack, while Soonyoung proceeded to take a shower. When he went to his room, a comfortable pajama was already prepared together with a hoodie and socks. 

He went back to the living room and waited for Soonyoung to finish his shower. 

He was browsing through the tv channels, when Soonyoung finally came out. Changed into pajamas, he joined Wonwoo on the couch. 

“Let’s eat?” Wonwoo asked.

“I told you to start without me.” Soonyoung said as he took a sit beside Wonwoo on the couch.

“It’s okay, I wanted some company.” 

“Want to talk about it?” Soonyoung asked. 

“What’s there to talk about? We broke up, because I’m an as*h*le who couldn’t commit. He deserved someone better, someone who can fully give himself to him.” Wonwoo snapped, but immediately regretted it when he saw Soonyoung’s face. He knew what his best friend was thinking. 

“No, Soonie. This isn’t about you. Don’t make this about you because it has nothing to do with you.” Wonwoo said but Soonyoung remained silent. 

“Soons, you know that movie we watched, the one you didn’t like? With Jared Leto?” Wonwoo asked.

“Mr. Nobody?” 

“Yeah, he said something about possibilities. About finding a person who you can give up all the possibilities that life can offer. The possibility of a new love or new career, anything.”

“Yeah, I loved that line. It means the other possible things are not important because he was sure about her already.” Soonyoung answered.

“Well, that’s me right now. I am currently Mr. Nobody. I am faced with so many possibilities, I can’t commit to one.” Wonwoo said.

“But it doesn’t have to be complicated, either you love him or you don’t. That’s it.” Soonyoung argued back.

“But that’s you, it’s not me. You give everything when you fall in love-“

“While you calculate everything.”

“Ouch. Is that really how you think of me?”

“Nooooo! Wonu, I’m sorry. Of course not.”

“I’m just being careful with the decisions I make. I’m not being calculative. I don’t do things expecting something in return. Yah, that hurt.” Wonwoo said as he wiped away an unwelcome tear. Soonyoung wrapped his arms around Wonwoo. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant you’re very cautious in making decisions. You calculate the pros and cons.” Soonyoung tried to appease his bestfriend who was still not looking at him. “I swear, Wonu you’re the most selfless person I know. You take care of me, you give up things just to take care of me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that you’re very cautious especially in decisions that will affect your life.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Wonwoo asked.

“It is! But sometimes you’re too cautious that it’s making you seem like you’re scared of commitment.” Soonyoung explained. 

“Being scared and not being ready are two different things. There are things that I want to do for myself first before committing myself to someone who I know will take care of me. I don’t want to be taken care of, I want to stand on my own two feet.”

“Won..”

“No, listen first!” Wonwoo whined when Soonyoung tried to interrupt.

“Okay! I’m sorry go on.”

“If people knew just how much you spend on me, they’ll think you’re my sugar daddy.”

“Ooh, so you’re my sugar baby then?” Soonyoung said trying to lighten up the mood. But Wonwoo quieted him with a look. 

“You pay for this apartment, you help me with my school expenses and living expenses. Even this shirt I’m wearing is from you. You even gave me a credit card, which I shamefully use. I even have to use that for dates with Mingyu and it doesn’t feel good, that the one who shoulders my expenses for dates, even for a cup of coffee, is my friend. I don’t have a dime on me, Soons.” Wonwoo said. 

“Wow! I really am your sugar daddy.” Soonyoung joked. “Kidding!” Soonyoung yelled when Wonwoo gave him an irritated look. “I only do those things because I’m the one who’s earning. I didn’t mean to make you feel worthless. I swear, I do it because I love you and I want you to follow your dreams.” 

“I know Soonie. But how can I commit myself to Mingyu if I have nothing to contribute financially to the relationship? That’s why I can’t move in with him. I want to stand on my own two feet. I don’t want to go on depending on people, Soonie.” Wonwoo explained. 

“Then tell that to Mingyu.”

“I did. I thought he understood, but he kept saying that it’s okay because he loves me. He’ll pay for the apartment and everything else. When he said that I felt so small.” 

“You’re not small. You’re the biggest person I know in the you-know-what department.” Soonyoung smirked. 

“Stop joking around.”

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood, Wonunu. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I promised your dad, but I’m not doing this because of that. I love you and we promised to be always there for each other. Besides, I’m just investing my money in a very profitable sugar baby.” Soonyoung said.

“That’s it!” Wonwoo grabbed Soonyoung and tickled the other boy. 

“Okay! Stop Wonu!” When Wonwoo stopped tickling him, Soonyoung pulled Wonwoo into a hug. “Depending on others doesn’t make you worthless, it just means you need a bit help. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just a sugar baby.”

Soonyoung yelped when Wonwoo pinched Soonyoung’s waste. “I love you Wonunu.”

“I love you too.” Wonwoo said and kissed Soonyoung on his cheek. “I’m tired, let’s go to bed.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Something wrong?” Wonwoo asked when he noticed Soonyoung’s exhausted face. 

“I’ll tell you some other time.”

“Can I sleep in you room?”

“Aigoo. Clingy Wonu. Always, come on. It’s just going to be like that old aparment where we used to share a bed.”

Wonwoo was shocked when he realized that Soonyoung remembered that. But Soonyoung seemed unaffected, so he let it slide. It seemed like Soonyoung was getting some memories back without realizing it. He followed Soonyoung into his room and cuddles and talk about small things until they fell asleep.


	42. Rowoon’s Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> Mentions of anxiety
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading  
> 🟢 - Safe to read

** ROWOON **

Rowoon didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what’s going on with him. He’s usually understanding of Soonyoung but right now he wanted to go and demand an explanation. But he was also scared of what Soonyoung would say. He should have just asked instead of giving Soonyoung the cold treatment. He could have triggered Soonyoung’s anxiety if he weren’t careful.

💬 Rowoon / Chan 

** JIHOON **

Jihoon wanted to text Soonyoung. He also wanted to see the other boy. He wanted to talk more about what happened that day, but Soonyoung suffered an attack and fell asleep in exhaustion. He smiled when he remembered how a sleeping Soonyoung reached for his hand. 

** Flashback  **

“Jihoon-ah, Don’t leave me, please.” Soonyoung whispered while he slept. He was still asleep when he reached for Jihoon’s hands and held on to it tightly. 

He didn’t have the strength to let go so he sat on the floor and let Soonyoung cling to his hand. 

Soonyoung was frowning in his sleep and must have been having a bad dream because he kept on whimpering. Jihoon scooted closer when saw that Soonyoung was softly crying. He wiped away the lone tear and continued stroking Soonyoung’s hair while humming a random tune. Soon enough, Soonyoung relaxed and Jihoon fell asleep.

** End of Flashback **

**💬 Jihoon / Soonyoung**

Soonyoung left him on read.

** WONWOO **

Wonwoo woke up feeling hot, with Soonyoung clinging to him on the bed. He watched his besfriend for a while, and felt thankful that he somehow he was able to keep him in his life.

“Soonie, wake up. I feel hot.” Wonwoo said as he shook Soonyoung awake. “I think I have a fever.”

“Wonu, I also don’t feel so great. I think I’m sick.” Soonyoung said as he got out of bed. He felt Wonwoo’s forehead and was alarmed by how warm it was.

“Wait, I’ll go cook breakfast so you can drink medicine.” Soonyoung said. 

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, sleep some more. I’ll be back.” 

Soonyoung kissed Wonwoo’s temple before getting out of bed. Wonwoo didn’t argue as he was really feeling bad and went back to sleep.

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, sleep some more. I’ll be back.” 

Wonwoo didn’t argue as he was really feeling bad and went back to sleep.

📺 Soonyoung

** SOONYOUNG **

Soonyoung wasn’t feeling well but he had classes to teach and a meeting to attend. So, he took a shower, hoping he’ll feel better after. He was about to cook breakfast when he heard a knock on their door. He was startled as it was too early for visitors. He opened the door and found Mingyu holding several plastic bags. He smiled shyly at Soonyoung, who gestured for Mingyu to come in.

“I’m sorry hyung, for just barging here without telling you. I brought food, I know you guys must be tired. Don’t worry Hyung, I’ll leave immediately, I just wanted to drop these here.” Mingyu said as he put several bags of food on the kitchen table.  “I’ll go ahead.” 

“Mingoo, stay. Come here for a minute.”

So mingyu went and sat on the kitchen stool near Soonyoung. Mingyu was startled when Soonyoung hugged him. 

“I’m sorry for everything. I know you guys say I’m not the reason for what happened, but I played a part in that.” Soonyoung apologized as hugged Mingyu who was also a big part of his life. 

“Hyung...”

“No, please listen. Mingoo, Wonwoo loves you very much but he has his reasons for all of this. So, please talk. I just wanted to say that I missed you, these past few days.”

“I missed you too, Soonie Hyung. I’m so sorry I’ve been an a*s.”

Soonyoung released Mingyu from his embrace and proceeded to grab food from the bag.

“Sorry, I’m going to hug you more but I’m really hungry.” Soonyoung said.

“You look sick.” Mingyu said as he placed his hand on Soonyoung’s forehead.

“Wonwoo’s sick. I have classes the whole day, can you take care of him? Please..” Soonyoung asked.

“Hyung, I don’t think he’ll like that.” Mingyu hesistated. As much as he wanted to spend time with Wonwoo, he was afraid he’ll just push Wonwoo farther away from him. 

“All you have to do is feed him and make sure he takes his medicine. Please.”

“Hyung, you look pale yourself and warm. Are you sure it’s just Wonwoo who’s sick?” Mingyu asked.

“I have classes and a meeting I can’t reschedule.” Soonyoung said. “So, please stay. I think you both need to just sit down and talk.” 

Mingyu reluctantly agreed. But he thought that Soonyoung was right, he needed to face Wonwoo and they needed to talk. He hoped that he can still salvaged their relationship.

**ROWOON**

💬 **Rowoon / Soonyoung**

Rowoon knew he fucked up after receiving Soonyoung’s last massage. He and Soonyoung rarely fight. Even if they did, they usually talk about it. He’s not even sure if they’re fighting. Soonyoung does not know that he knows. 

He shouldn’t have ignored Soonyoung. He should have known better. One of the things that stresses Soonyoung out is indifference, and he did just that when he ignored him.

📺 Hurricane

** SOONYOUNG **

Soonyoung went through his first class without any hitch. He tried extra hard to concentrate and sound energetic, but he was exhausted. His fever was aslo getting worse despite taking his medicine. 

“Hyung, are you okay?” Minghao asked.

“I’m okay, just a little bit tired.” Soonyoung said as he sat down on the floor. Minghao felt Soonyoung’s forehead and was alarmed. 

“Hyung! You’re burning up. You really need to rest.”

“I can’t. This is an important day for the studio and I have classes.”

“Hyung! We can ask someone else to cover for you. Please...”

“Minghao, they came because of me. I can’t let them down.”

“Then let’s switch up the schedule. I’ll explain. Hyung, you’re about to passout. I’ll call Rowoon Hyung.”

“No! Don’t. I’ll lie down in the office, just don’t call Rowoon.” 

“Is there something wrong?”

“Nothing, I just. I don’t know. I’ll lie down for 30 minutes and wake me if you fail to change the schedule.”

When Soonyoung woke up, it was already past seven in the evening. He jumped off from the couch hurried to fix his hair and clothes.

“Yah! Xu Minghao! I told you to wake me up.” 

“Sorry, hyung. You needed it.”

“What happened to the classes?”

“It went fine.”

“I got to go. I’m supposed to be at Pledis for a meeting.” 

“Wait, Hyung—“ Minghao tried to explain but Soonyoung already ran out of the building and hailed a cab to go to Pledis. He didn’t hear Rowoon call him by the sidewalk waiting for him by the car.


	43. A Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

** WONWOO **

Wonwoo woke up alone in the dark. It took him a minute to realize that he was still at Soonyoung’s room. A cold towel was on his forehead, with a basin on the side table. There was also a glass of water, which he finished drinking quickly. It was already seven in the evening, which means he slept for more than 12 hours. He was about to get up when someone, who was definitely not Soonyoung entered the room. He almost screamed in fear but realized that it was just Mingyu, holding a tray of soup and more water.

“Hyung? I’m sorry, did I wake you? It’s just that you haven’t eaten the whole day, except for the toast that Soonyoung brought you this morning. You also need to drink your medicine.” Mingyu said. He hesitated going near the bed. His nervousness evident from the way the tray of food was slightly trembling. 

“Put the food down before you spill them or something.” Wonwoo said. He knew how clumsy Mingyu was, always falling over and dropping things. He couldn’t count the number of times Minyu would spill something on him. But that was what made him even more endearing to Wonwoo. He loved Mingyu’s awkward smile and embarassed laughed,everytime he stumbles or spills something. It made Wonwoo want to keep him in his pocket. 

“Hyung?” Mingyu asked as he put the trayon the bed. Wownoo didn’t realized that he was staring. 

“I’m sorry. What- Where is Soonyoung?” 

“Soonie Hyung asked me to take care of you. I think today is their workshop for international students. I can go if you like, I can ask someone else to be here.” Mingyu said as he dropped his gaze down the floor. He was biting his lips trying not to tear up. 

“It’s fine, you can stay.” Wonwoo said. “I mean, please stay.”Wonwoo said a bit more softer. “Thank you for taking care of me, Mingyu.”

“Please eat. It’s just chicken broth, but if you want something heavier I can cook something else.” Mingyu said. Wonwoo noticed that the boy was still standing at the edge of the bed. “Sit down. Thank you, this tastes great.”

Mingyu took as sit at the edge of the bed facing Wonwoo. He stared as the other boy kept eating until he finished everything. 

“Do you want some more?” Mingyu asked. 

“No, I’m okay. I’m full now. Thank you.” Wonwoo was uncomfortable with how much they try to be polite with each other. It was a bit unnerving. Wonwoo watched as Mingyu took his medicine at the side of the bed. 

“Here Hyung, drink this.” 

“Thank you.” They were back to silence after the brief exchange. “Do you think it’s okay for me to take a shower? I feel hot and I think a bit of cold will make me feel better.” 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” Mingyu said as Wonwoo tried to get up but fell back to the bed. “Stay in bed, please. I’ll bring a wash cloth or something.”

“Just help me up, I wanna wash my hair.”

“But-“

“Ba- Mingyu-ah, please.”

They both blushed when Wonwoo almost called Mingyu by his old term of endearment. 

“Okay, I’ll help you. But you’re not gonna shower, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Wait here.” Mingyu then went to the bathroom to prepare something. He came back and helped Wonwoo stand up. When they reached the bathroom, Wonwoo saw how Mingyu laid down a towel on the floor beside the tub. He asked Wonwoo to sit on the floor and lay his head on the tub, looking upwards. Mingyu hesistated for a bit, before he removed Wonwoo’s glasses. Mingyu then proceeded to wash Wonwoo’s hair with the tub’s removable hose. He then squeezed a bit of shampoo and proceeded to massage Wonwoo’s hair with both hands. He tried to be gentle as much as possible, until he accidentally splashed a bit of shampoo on Wonwoo’s eyes. 

“Ah! I’m sorry!” Mingyu panicked and grabbed the hose and tried to wash away the shampoo on Wonwoo’s eyes, but he pressed it too hard and soaked Wonwoo all over. 

“Mingyu! Cold!”

“Oh my god! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Mingyu tried to stand up but slid on the bathroom floor. Luckily, Wonwoo was able to grab his arm in time before he can completely hit the floor. Wonwoo laughed at how silly they looked, and enjoyed watching Mingyu as he tried to salvage the situation. 

“I’m sorry Hyung!”

“It’s okay. I know you mean-“ But Wonwoo was interrupted when Mingyu tried to stand up and fell again, but this time in Wonwoo’s arms. It took all of Wonwoo’s self control not to just grab Mingyu and kiss the boy senseless. He just wanted to grab Mingyu and bury himself into one of his bone crushing hugs. “Okay, stop moving. Sit beside me for a while.”

So, Mingyu sat beside Wonwoo. 

“I’ll just take a shower since I’m already soaked.” Wonwoo said as he took off his shirt and threw it in the laundry bin. He stood up and held out his hands towards Mingyu to help him stand up. He was then about to remove his pants when he realized that Mingyu was still in the bathroom. “Are you going to watch me shower?” Wonwoo asked. Mingyu blushed and hurriedly went out and closed the door. 

Wonwoo realized what he just did and regretted it. He shouldn’t flirt with Mingyu, when he had no intention of getting back together with him, no matter how much he loves him. But he can’t help it, he loves clumsy and awkward Mingyu, he finds it irresistable.

**Jihoon’s Instagram Post**

** JIHOON **

Jihoon spent the day in the studio. He woke up with a tune in his head and a general idea of what the lyrics should be. He wanted to text Soonyoung but his last message was left unaswered so he stopped himself. He didn’t want to disrupt Soonyoung’s life, but he also wanted to talk to Soonyoung about what happened. 

He got worried when Soonyoung failed to show up for their meeting with Hyukjae, Pledis’ Company, which was unusual Hyukjae said. Soonyoung was never late and were always present for meetings. He took his responsibility seriously because he carries the name of their studio himself. So, they called the studio and Minghao explained that Soonyoung was sick. They postponed the meeting to let the other boy rest. 

He heard a knock by the door and was surprised to see a panting Soonyoung. 

“Jihoon! I’m here. I’m sorry I’m late, I overslept.”

“Soonyoung calm down. Come here, and sit down.”Jihoon guided Soonyoung to the couch to sit while he got a glass of water. “Here drink this. Hyukjae hyung postponed the meeting. Minghao explained you’re sick.” Jihoon touched Soonyoung’s forehead. “You have a fever. You should rest.”

“No, I’m okay—“ 

“Soons, come on. I’ll take you home.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll just go back to the studio.” Soonyoung began to stand up but Jihoon pushed him back down on the couch.

“You’re sick. You need to rest.”

“I can’t go home. Mingyu’s there okay? I want them to have some time for themselves.” Soonyoung said with a determined face. 

“Soons, I’m sure they’ll understand. You’re sick.” 

“You don’t understand. They need time right now.” Soonyoung insisted. “I’m not going to get in the way this time okay? I rather sleep on the streets.” 

“Let’s call Wonwoo?” Jihoon suggested.

“He’s sick and I told you Mingyu’s there.” 

“Rowoon?”

“No, I don’t—“ Soonyoung stopped. He was becoming irritated with Jihoon. It seems that the other boy is implying that he can’t take care of himself. He took a deep breath and said: “I can care of myself. I’ll go.”

“No! Wait.” Jihoon grabbed Soonyoung’s arms. He knew if he let go of Soonyoung the other boy would just head down to the studio and pretend to rest all the while doing work.

“What? I don’t want to call anyone okay?! I can take care of myself! Let me go!”

“Soonyoung! Calm down! Okay, sit here for a while, okay?” Jihoon stood up and grab his water container. “Here, drink this again.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, I’m just a little bit agitated. I woke up being late and now Hyukjae hyung had to cancel the meeting. I’m not like that.”

“Soons, you’re sick. It’s okay to be sick once in a while.”

“No, it’s not. I can’t lose the dance studio, it’s all I have. I worked hard for everything I have. I know people think that somehow I have to settle for that because I lost my chance at my real dream. But dreams change, and now I’m happy.”

Jihoon felt guilty. Soonyoung dreamed of becoming a professional dancer. He was top of his class and even had a scholarship in the dance department. It was his fault when Soonyoung lost his scholarship. If he knew, then he would have fixed everything. But he only found out through Jeonghan, when he returned home. He shouldn’t have blocked everyone. 

“I don’t think missing one meeting will ruin the studio—“

“But it will, if I don’t do my job. One wrong move and I’m done in this industry.”

“Soons, I hardly think one missed meeting would do that. Besides, you were sick. Please, calm down and take a deep breath.” Soonyoung did as he was told and felt a little bit better. He didn’t realize just how exhausted he was. “Have you had dinner?”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll just—“

“I won’t take no for an answer. I’ll order food.”

**Mingyu’s Twitter Post**

**🔞**

**MINGYU**

Mingyu waited in the bedroom as Wonwoo took a shower. He was supposed to take care of Wonwoo, but now because of his clumsy self he ended up soaking Wonwoo and maybe even making him even more sick. 

He can’t stop thinking about Wonwoo’s closeness, how he just wanted to straddle him and kiss him senseless, maybe grind on top of him for a little bit. He blushed when he realized where his thoughts were leading him. 

He willed himself to think of something else like puppies and pooping. He didn’t need a hard on in this situation, he thought. Wonwoo is sick he reminded himself. They broke up, he yelled at himself. 

But then Wonwoo walked in hair wet, with bits of water droplets clinging on to his toned body, with only a flimsy white towel wrapped around his waist, that all of Mingyu’s thoughts of puppies and poops just went out the window. 

“Stop staring.” Wonwoo said. Mingyu blushed when he realize that Wonwoo must have noticed Mingyu’s dilemma and thoughts. But when Mingyu saw how Wonwoo was shivering he immediately stood up, grab another towel, and wrapped it around Wonwoo. He then led Wonwoo to sit on the bed, while rummage for warm clothes and underwear.

Mingyu then put on Wonwoo a hoodie he grabbed from the closet. He blushed when he grabbed the boxers. 

“Are you going to put that on me too?” Wonwoo asked with a teasing smile, which made Mingyu even more embarasss. He threw the boxers on the bed and tried to ran away but Wonwoo grabbed him by the hand. He ended up sitting on Wonwoo’s towel clad lap. Mingyu gulped when he realized how close they were. He could feel Wonwoo’s privates pressed against his backside. It made him hot and embarassed at the same time. 

Wonwoo then wrapped his arms around Mingyu’s waist and made Mingyu face sideways. Wonwoo then rested his head on Mingyu’s chest. 

“I missed you too. I missed us. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you’re not an important person in my life, but you are.” Wonwoo said while he clinged on the mingyu. “I want to explain my side, if you’ll let me?”

Mingyu couldn’t find the words to answer. Wonwoo’s scent was driving him crazy, so he just nodded. 

“I need to put on underwear though, and pants. I don’t think you heard anything I said in the last few minutes.” Wonwoo smirked. 

Mingyu blushed and just nodded. He stood up and pretended to turn around so Wonwoo could change. But he was also trying his best to calm his heart down.

**Rowoon’s Twitter Post**

**ROWOON**

Rowoon just saw Soonyoung ran out of the studio. He called out but the boy was in a hurry. Soonyoung must be running late for his meeting. 

He dicided to check on Soonyoung later. He didn’t want to disturb Soonyoung while he was at work. He was about to leave when he heard someone call him.

“Hyung!” It was Minghao. 

“Hey Hao!”

“Are you here for Soonyoung hyung? You just missed him.” Minghao said.

“Yeah, I saw him but he didn’t hear me. He must be running late.”

“Oh the meeting got cancelled. I tried to tell him but he ran so fast. I tried calling him but he’s not answering.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll just try to contact him. Thanks Hao!” Rowoon said as he got into his car. 

“Bye Hyung!”

💬 **Rowoon / Soonyoung**

Rowoon breathed a sigh of relief when Soonyoung said it back.Rowoon decided to wait near Pledis. He didn’t want to keep Soonyoung waiting, especially after what happened the other night. 

He parked the car and decided to get some work done while waiting.

“Hey, Rowoon!!!” 

“Hyukjae Hyung!”

“What are you doing here?” Hyukjae asked. He was getting ready to go home when he saw Rowoon. 

“I’m waiting for Soons. You have a meeting right?” Rowoon asked as he got out of the car to greet Hyukjae properly.

“Oh, we decided to postpone that till next week. Minghao said Soonie’s sick. Oh, they must have forgotten to inform him. Wait, I’ll contact him.” Hyukjae offered.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll just call him, hyung.”

“Oh okay, I gotto run. Donghae’s waiting for me. Bye!” Hyukjae said as he walked away to meet his lover. Rowoon admired the couple. They were idols in the same group until they formed a unit. It was only years after that they revealed that they have been in a relationship even before debut. Now, both were established in the entertainment industry as they formed Pledis Entertainment. 

Rowoon decided to just text Soonyoung. He didn’t want to think about the fact that Soonyoung maybe just lied to him. He have his boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. 

💬 **Rowoon / Soonyoung**

**SOONYOUNG**

He just lied to his boyfriend. He was scared. He didn’t have any reason other than that, he told himself. He was scared to face Rowoon. He convinced himself that it wasn’t because of the boy who was currently in front of him, who was busy preparing the food that he ordered. 

“Soons? Everything alright?” Jihoon asked. Soonyoung just nodded. He didn’t know how to say it because he didn’t want to admit it himself. “Eat. You need to eat a lot. Then you can drink your medicine and maybe rest here. I’ll stay with you.” Jihoon assured him.

Soonyoung just answered with a nod, not totally trusting himself to talk. He started eating the congee that Jihoon ordered. The warmth of the food felt good as it goes down his throat and to his stomach. The warmth spread all over his body and he smiled from contentment. The feeling lf irritation that plague him the whole day disappeared. He must have been hungry without realizing it, he thought. 

Jihoon watched Soonyoung savor his food. His heart skipped when he saw the other boy smiled. He watched in fascination as the shadow of a frown complete disappeared from Soonyoung’s face. 

Jihoon averted his gaze when Soonyoung looked up. He didn’t want to make the boy uncomfortable. 

“Thank you. I didn’t realized that I was hungry.” Soonyoung said. When Jihoon looked up, he saw Soonyoung smiled. Jihoon willed himself to stay on his computer chair, but when he saw Soonyoung smiled it was as if he was pulled by a magnet. He transferred to sit beside Soonyoung on the couch.

“Eat more.” Jihoon said as he took a dumpling and put it on Soonyoung’s bowl. 

After eating, Jihoon cleaned up and gave Soonyoung his medicine. He then sat beside Soonyoung on the couch. 

“You want to tell me what’s bothering you?” Jihoon asked.

“I don’t— Actually, it’s about what happened last time.” Soonyoung said. 

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Be honest.” 

Jihoon took a deep breath and said: 

“You said you have blanks in your mind, right? So, I don’t know how to navigate through that.” Jihoon said. 

“So, what happened last time has something to do with the past?” Soonyoung asked. 

“A little bit, but mostly because I just missed you and I wanted to kiss you.” Jihoon bluntly said, which made Soonyoung blush. “I liked you in the past, and I still like you in the present.”

Soonyoung was overwhelmed with the information. He didn’t know if he was ready to remember the past. He likes Jihoon, he admitted. But he also didn’t know if it was his present self that likes Jihoon or his past self. But he never really thought about it much, since his thoughts yesterday were filled with Wonwoo.

“Okay, that just made things even more confusing.” Soonyoung said. “I have to go.” 

He was about to stand up but Jihoon stopped him. Jihoon placed his hand on Soonyoung’s forehead, and sigh. 

“You’re sick. Please just stay for a while.” Jihoon said, his hand still on Soonyoung’s face which was now brushing his cheeks. 

Soonyoung surprised himself when he leaned on to Jihoon, and the other wrapping his arm around Soonyoung like it was the most natural thing to do. Soonyoung can feel Jihoon’s breath on his hair as the latter kissed his temple. 

“I’m scared of the past, but I have this memories of us, just little things. This morning when I woke up, I saw images of  blackpanther plushies, marvel movies on a laptop, rooftops and a song. But I can’t decide if they’re real or not. My mind is sure they’re real but I don’t trust my mind.” Soonyoung said he leaned even more closer to Jihoon. “Will you tell me one good memory of us?”

“I can’t think of any.” Jihoon said without thinking. Soonyoung’s heart dropped. He thought Jihoon would have a lot, but maybe he just assumed that he was important to Jihoon enough for him to remember their memories. 

Soonyoung sat up straight and pretended to reach for the water on the table. But in truth he was a bit hurt, if Jihoon can’t think of any, then maybe those memories with him were not important. Soonyoung hated how his mind worked. 

Jihoon noticed the changed in Soonyoung’s mood and reached for the latter’s hands. Soonyoung however moved them away and pretended to be busy with the water bottle. 

“What I meant is that I can’t think of just one because there’s too many, Jagiya.” Jihoon said. Soonyoung looked at Jihoon when he called him Jagiya. “I hated that word when we first met, because it reduced me into a blushing and blundering idiot. But you called me that every chance you got. Even before we got close, you called me Jagiya.”

Jihoon noticed Soonyoung relaxed a little.

He then knew what Soonyoung must have thought when he said that he couldn’t think of any. With Soonyoung’s present state of mind, the other boy must have thought that Jihoon thought so little of their memories together, the he didn’t value them enough to remember them. Jihoon mentally slapped himself for being careless. He kept hurting Soonyoung with his thoughtless words. 

Jihoon scooted neared to Soonyoung and again grabbed Soonyoung’s hand. This time, the other boy allowed it. 

“I’m sorry if I keep hurting you with my words.” Jihoon said as he played with Soonyoung’s hands with both hands. “I don’t know what to say and sometimes I opt not to say things because I’m scared that they will make you anxious. But will you tell me? Please, whenever there things that I say or do that bothers you even the slightest, tell me. Tell me straight away, or tell me when you think about it. Call me in the middle of the night if it will help with the doubts in your mind, just tell me, so I can explain.” Jihoon said as he looked straight into Soonyoung’s eyes. 

“Okay.” Soonyoung said.


	44. The Last Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

** WONWOO **

Wonwoo finished dressing up in his usual hoodie and sweat pants that Mingyu prepared for him. He then went back to bed, not having too much energy since he was sick. 

“Mingyu, come here.” He called Mingyu who turned his back while Wonwoo changed. The younger boy then sat down by the edge of the bed, so Wonwoo grabbed Mingyu and made the boy lie next to him. 

“Can we talk?” Wonwoo asked as they lie together side by side. Mingyu nodded. “You have been quiet the whole time, it’s so unlike you.”

Mingyu sigh and said:

“It seemed that for the past week I’ve been saying, thinking and feeling the wrong things. I thought about it a lot. I thought about how I treated you, and how I treated Soonyoung Hyung. This whole thing made me into someone that I don’t like.” Mingyu said.

“I think part of that is my fault.” Wonwoo whispered. 

“No, of course not.”

“If I only talked to you and explained l, maybe you would have understood. Instead, I let my anger get in the way.” When Wonwoo looked at Mingyu’s face he inmediately added: “No, I’m not angry at you.”

Wonwoo faced Mingyu, the other boy still staring at the ceiling, silent tears falling down his face. Wonwoo wiped away the tears and made Mingyu face him. 

“Hey Mingyu, it’s not you I’m angry at. I was angry at myself, the situation. I was angry that I can’t be the person you want and need right now.” Wonwoo said as he continued looking at the boy he love crying silently. 

“Heaven knows how much I love you, Gyu. I’m sorry if my actions made you think I don’t. But I do, with all of me. But the fact remains that you are everything and I am nothing.” Wonwoo said.

“No, don’t say that hyung.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the person that you want and need right now.” Mingyu was about to interrupt but Wonwoo quiet him with a pleading look. 

“I have been thinking about it. I can’t move in with you. I can’t meet with your parents. But just because I don’t want to live with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Just because I’m busy with something else, does not make my love for you any less. I know I’m not perfect, and there are times that I neglect to put more effort in our relationship, but that does not mean I don’t love you.” 

Mingyu could only nod. 

“I love you, please believe me. I love this, this, and this.” Wonwoo said as he kissed Mingyu all over his face. “I love every part of you. That love, it’s all I have.” Wonwoo said tearing up. 

“When you asked me to move in, I wanted to say yes. But then I thought about what I’ll be able to bring to that new arrangement, nothing. I have nothing Mingyu.”

“I told you I’ll take care of everything.”  Mingyu said. 

“I know you mean well, but can you please think about it from my perspective?”

“That’s—“

“Please, listen first.” Mingyu nodded. “After high school, I depended on Soonyoung for everything. I also worked but it wasn’t enough for college. That’s why even though he didn’t need it, Soonyoung worked. It was for me. Even when he was already going through the heartbreak of Jihoon leaving, he still continued working, for me. He told me if it weren’t for me needing him, he would have tried ending things a lot more. It broke my heart seeing Soonyoung force himself to work despite being broken inside. When I graduated college, Soonyoung knew I wanted to proceed to law school. That’s why I worked for that firm for a while, even if I hated it there. When Soonyoung was earning enough, he convinced me to quit and enroll. I did, because he said at least one of us should attain our dream. He said it was too late for him, but not for me. I did and I’m doing my best not to disappoint him. All these time, he’s the person who literally had been my partner for richer or for poorer.”

Wonwoo explained.

“Won—“

“Let me finish, please.”

Mingyu nodded. 

“Remember when we started dating?” 

** FLASHBACK **

“So, who asked whom?” Soonyoung asked Wonwoo. 

“Well, he sort of confessed. In the weirdest way possible.” Wonwoo laughed as he sat beside Soonyoung. It was Monday morning, but Wonwoo just got home that morning. Soonyoung prepared them breakfast. 

“So, you’ve been with Gyu the whole time?” Soonyoung asked. 

“Uhh.. yes.”

“Don’t lie. Mingyu went to the studio yesterday. We had a mini party celebration for you finally agreeing to date him.” Soonyoung pointed out. 

“Okay fine, I took a part time job.” Wonwoo admitted . 

“Why? How does that even work into your school time? Where?” 

“One question at a time MOM.” Wonwoo said, but immediately change attitude when he saw Soonyoung’s face. Soonyoung is nice, but he’s a completely a different person when angered. “Soonie, I can’t depend on you all the time.”

“Do you want me to remind me your schedule? You took more course load this year, remember?” Soonyoung said. “And now you’re adding a part time job to the load?”

“Soons, I can’t depend on you too much for things, other things.”

“What other things?” Soonyoung asked.

“Mingyu things! Okay?!” Wonwoo yelled. He wanted to have money to date Mingyu, to buy him gifts, and he can’t depend on Soonyoung for that.

Soonyoung knew it was a sensitive subject for Wonwoo. So, he hugged Wonwoo tight. He knew no matter what he says, Wonwoo would still feel inadequate. 

“Then, why not work in the studio?” Soonyoung suggested. 

“Soons, it’s still going to be your money.”

“But you’re going to work for it? Come on, that way you can study while you work. We don’t really— I mean, we need one.”

“No.” Wonwoo snapped, which made his friend pout even more. 

“Won, I don’t have any words to say that will make you change your mind with the way you think about money. But it’s you and me against the world remember? That includes taking care of your libido—“ Wonwoo jokingly punched Soonyoung and laughed. “Nope, I don’t mean me actually taking care of— Stop punching me!”

“Be serious!” Wonwoo yelled but he was already laughing. 

“I am serious! Except for the part which would require me to give you a blow—“ Soonyoung laughed and yelled as Wonwoo choked him jokingly. “Okay! I give up!”

“I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I’m serious, Wonu. Your name is listed as one of the partners in the studio for a reason. So, it’s your money too. But if you’re not comfortable with that, then work, but work in the studio where you can study. I understand how you feel, even if you don’t have to feel that way. Pretty please Wonunu.”

Wonwoo was touched with just how much his best friend looks out for him. So he did the only thing that he could do for his best friend, which is to be there for him all the time. He hugged Soonyoung tightly and kissed his temple. 

“I love you, you know?” 

“I love you too. So, is that a yes?” Soonyoung said returning the hug. 

“Yes, the barbecue place is tiring. Thank you, Soons.”

“It’s you and me against the world, plus Rowoon and Mingyu.”

Wonwoo laughed at his best friend’s antics. 

**End of Flashback**

“When we started dating, I wanted to take to your favorite restaurants but you know my situation. Soonyoung allowed me to work at the studio for special occassions. I feel so inadequate everytime you asked me to go on a trip with you, or go somewhere where it’ll require to spend money. Because it’s something that I don’t have. So, when you say things like move in and you’ll take care of everything, hearing you say that made me feel so small. Even now, I feel so small. I feel like some kept man, so worthless, so cheap.”

“Then, why is it okay for Soonyoung Hyung and not for me?”

“Because he’s my friend! He’s not my lover! You look at me and you have this image in your head and I don’t want to break that. He’s not someone that I’m trying to be a man for, but you are. So, hearing you say that, it made me feel so much more inadequate and useless.”

“Wonu, I— I’m sorry— You have to know I only meant well. I—“ Mingyu then realized the real issue, and that partly it was his fault. He just made the love of his life feel debased. He got up and covered his face with both his hand.

Wonwoo was startled when he realized that Mingyu was sobbing silently. He immediately got up and sat in front of Mingyu almost straddling the other. 

“Baby? What’s wrong?” He tried to remove Mingyu’s hands but the other won’t let him. 

“I— I don’t deserve you.” Mingyu said in between sobs.

“No, it’s me who doesn’t deserve you. Gyu, I love you so much, that’s why I need to let you go.”

When Mingyu heard what Wonwoo said, he immediately removed his hand from his face and looked at Wonwoo who was in front of him. He grabbed Wonwoo by both shoulders and held on tight:

“No! Please.. Hyung...”

Wonwoo returned Mingyu’s embrace with the same force as he could. 

“Gyu, you’re always going to be looking for that step forward, but I can’t give you that. At least not right now, in my current state.” Wonwoo said. He was now straddling Mingyu. He held Mingyu’s face with both hands and brushed away his tears. 

“No, I promise you I won’t ask you to move in again or to meet my parents. I just want you. Please... Don’t leave me.” Mingyu sobbed as he buried his face on Wonwoo’s chest. 

“I’m sorry, Baby. I can’t stay knowing that there could be someone else out there that can give you the love you deserve.”

“You’re all I want. Please...” Mingyu begged.

“I’m sorry.” Wonwoo held Mingyu tighter. He didn’t want to let go, but he had to. He didn’t want to hurt Mingyu further than he already did. It’s better to let go, than to keep hurting the person he love most. He promised to work hard, to make sure that the time will come where he won’t feel inadequate anymore, when he’ll be able to provide for Mingyu himself. He just hopes that when that time comes, Mingyu is still there.

** ROWOON **

Rowoon waited outside the Pledis Building. It seemed the for the past two days, he’d been doing nothing but wait for Soonyoung. He was at the office during the day, but his thoughts was consumed with Soonyoung. He felt guilty for ignoring Soonyoung and for letting him go to Wonwoo alone, on a rainy night. Now, he’s suffering the consequences of that. 

But he was also hurt by the fact the Soonyoung didn’t even bother to explain what happened at Jihoon’s office. Was Soonyoung really not going to tell him? Rowoon asked himself. Now, Soonyoung lied to him yet again. He was hurt that Soonyoung was keeping things from him, but he was scared that whatever is going through Soonyoung’s mind right now would make the latter leave him.

💬 **Rowoon / Jeonghan**

Rowoon thought about what Jeonghan told him. He needed to face his fear. He needed to trust what he and Soonyoung have. He needed to be honest with his boyfriend and Soonyoung needs to be honest with him. It’s only been days and everything became so complicated all at once. 

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was feeling drowsy from the medicine he took for his fever. He felt comfortable lying on Jihoon’s couch, while the other boy continued working in front of the computer. He watched his phone vibrate, an incoming call from Rowoon, which he ignored. He felt guilty making Rowoon wait, but at the moment his mind was clouded with fear and of Jihoon. He asked himself if it was even normal, what he was feeling. 

He stared at his phone, when he looked up he saw Jihoon watching him intently. He gave Jihoon a small smile, which the latter returned.

“Do you feel better?” Jihoon asked. He moved away from his computer chair and went on the small space in the couch where Soonyoung was. 

“Yes, will you tell me something?” Soonyoung said. 

“What?”

“Rooftops, marvel movies on laptops, rooftop stargazings, and guitars. Does that mean anything?” Soonyoung asked.

“Yes, but Soons—“

“Oh, okay.”

“Do you want me to tell you about it?” Jihoon asked.

“No, I have to go.”

“Wait, Soons. You promised. If something’s bothering you have to tell me, so I’ll know.” Jihoon stopped Soonyoung.

“It’s just that they’re in my head. I dream about them and flashes of them. It’s like looking at a movie reel with the scenes changing every second. Right, now I feel like my head’s about the burst. I don’t know.” Soonyoung explained.

“Soonyoung, I don’t want to confuse you any further. That’s why I don’t like telling you these things.”

“I know. I’m sorry for putting you in this position.”

“No, I’m sorry. You can stab me with a thousand knives and it still won’t be enough for the pain I’ve caused you.” 

“What do you mean?” Soonyoung asked.

“Nothing.” Jihoon said.“I’ll tell you when you tell me you’re ready. Just that no matter what happens, I didn’t mean to.” 

“No, tell me now.” Soonyoung insisted.

“Soons...”

“Okay, fine. But I really have to go, Rowoon is waiting for me outside.”

“Oh okay.”

“Can I see you tomorrow? Please?” Jihoon asked, not really wanting to let Soonyoung go. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think it’s better if we only see each other in a professional setting.” 

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. Bye Jihoon.”

Soonyoung hesitated before going out. He faced Jihoon and gave him a hug before running out of the studio to look for Rowoon. 

🔞

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo’s heart was breaking. He couldn’t bear watch Mingyu cry. As Mingyu cried harder, Wonwoo held him even more tighter. He held back his tears despite wanting to cry. Wonwoo thought that it’ll just make things more difficult for Mingyu if he sees Wonwoo crying.

When the other boy’s sobs finally subsided, Wonwoo slowly release him from his hold. He was still straddling Mingyu, and was moving away to give the other boy space but Mingyu stopped him. 

Mingyu held Wonwoo’s face in both his hand. He then pulled Wonwoo face closer to his. Wonwoo leaned his forehead on Mingyu’s and said:

“I miss you already. I can feel you, smell you, and breathe every bit of you, but I miss you.”

“Then, don’t leave me.” Mingyu said, lips quivering into soft sobs. 

Wonwoo’s heart broke even further. But he needed to step away from the relationship. He needed it for himself, he needed to become someone deserving of Mingyu, because if he doesn’t the inadequacy he is feeling, that feeling of not being good enough would just fester and would eventually ruin both of them. 

“My heart is yours, always. But I can’t stay knowing that you want more and I don’t have anything to give.”

“I promised—“

“Mingyu, we talked about this.” 

“Please—“

But Wonwoo didn’t let Mingyu finished his sentence and kissed him. It wasn’t so much as a kiss but just Wonwoo pressing his lips on Mingyu to stop the other from talking. But then Mingyu parted his lips for him, and Wonwoo could only give in as he felt Mingyu’s warmth breath on his lips. When mingyu’s tongue brushed Wonwoo’s seeking for invitation, Wonwoo deepened the kiss, hands grabbing Mingyu’s hair, pulling him harder towards him. It seemed that despite being close enough to exchange faces, the distance was still too great for both of them. Wonwoo allowed himself to be completely engulf in Mingyu. Warmth spread all over Wonwoo as Mingyu deepened the kiss even more further, flipping their position with Wonwoo’s back on the bed and Mingyu hovering over him still kissing him. 

When Wonwoo came up for air, Mingyu moved to tracing soft kisses on his jaw. Heat rose from Wonwoo’s stomach to his chest eliciting a soft moan from him, when Mingyu left opened mouth kisses on his neck, occassionally brushing his lips on his ears. 

“Mingyu.. Wait.. We should stop—“ But when Mingyu grinded against him and hands finding it way on the exposed skin at the helm of his shirt, all Wonwoo’s thoughts of stopping were silence. He missed Mingyu and his closeness. Wonwoo’s breath hitched when Mingyu’s hand found its way inside his shirt, fingers tracing the his toned stomach until it reach his buds which made Wonwoo cry out. 

Mingyu found his lips again. Wonwoo felt the desperation in Mingyu’s kisses. He tasted the saltiness of Mingyu’s tears on his lips. It made him tear up. He hated himself for hurting Mingyu this way. But it was the only way for him not to ruin the relationship they have even further. He accused Mingyu of being insecure with Soonyoung, but he himself could could not even admit his own insecurities. Wonwoo tugged on Mingyu’s shirt to stop, but Mingyu thought that Wonwoo wanted it off.

“Gyu..” Gyu thought he wanted the shirt off so he removed Wonwoo’s shirt. Before going back in again for a kiss. He trailed kisses all over Wonwoo, memorizing every bit of Wonwoo, while the latter cried as he can feel the love that Mingyu was pouring in each kiss. 

Mingyu gently continued his ministrations, kissing the skin just right about Wonwoo’s sweat pants. But when he saw the tears, he immediately stop.

“I’m sorry.” Mingyu tried to put as much space between him and Wonwoo, but the latter grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into a kiss.

“No, don’t stop. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Wonwoo said in between kisses as he unbutton Mingyu’s shirt and unbuckle his pants. Wonwoo returned Mingyu’s kisses with the same fervor as he could, making sure that each soft peck have the same amount of love he received. 

They spent the rest of the day making love. Each kiss promising each other to wait and to be better. A million kisses and a promise for a second chance, someday.


	45. Rowoon’s Anger

**ROWOON**

Rowoon was waiting by his car when he saw Soonyoung running out of the building. 

“Soons! Hey!” Rowoon ran towards Soonyoung and grabbed him by the arm. Soonyoung was startled and kicked Rowoon in the shin. “Ouch! Soonie!”

When Soonyoung realized that it was Rowoon, he immediately apologized. He avoided looking at Rowoon.

“Can we talk? Please.” Rowoon asked still holding on to Soonyoun’s arms, afraid that the other boy will run away again. 

“I can’t. I have to check on Wonwoo.” Soonyoung aswered. 

“Mingyu’s there. Please Soons.. I feel like I’m losing you.” Rowoon begged. His voice shaked at the end, which made Soonyoung look up him. 

“What are you talking about?” 

When Rowoon looked at Soonyoung, he could not held out the tears and cried. Soonyoung had been so distant that Reoon felt like he’s losing the fight. 

“Hey, love it’s okay. Shhh.. it’s alright. I’m here.” Soonyoung said. He pulled Rowoon into his embrace. It startled Soonyoung and made him feel guiltier for avoiding the other boy. “Let’s go home first, okay? Then we’ll talk.” 

They drove in silence to Rowoon’s house. When they arrived, Rowoon immediately went inside and took a shower. He needed to clear his head to talk to Soonyoung. He was also feeling anxious with what that conversation entail.

**Soonyoung’s Dump and Secret Instagram Post**

**💬 Jihoon / Jeonghan / Joshua /** **Seokmin / Seungkwan**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung decided to join Rowoon in the shower, but when he entered Rowoon was already done. He watched as his boyfriend, clad in the tiger printed towel he gave him for christmas, walked out the bathroom. Soonyoung sigh and took a shower himself. He went out to look for clothes in Rowoon’s closet but stopped when he realized that maybe Rowoon won’t welcome the intrusion on his closet.

“Ruru? Can i use your clothes?”

“Of course!” Rowoon was startled by the question. Soonyoung never once asked him if he could borrow his clothes, it was sort of implied that what’s his is theirs. Rowoon’s feeling of dread grew just because of the simple question. It feels like there’s a wall between them. 

Soonyoung then proceeded to change, grabbing the most comfortable clothing that Rowoon had. He then went and sat beside Rowoon in the bed. 

“So?” Rowoon asked. He bit his lips and grab his phone, pretended to read messages. He was struggling to act normal. He was too nervous. 

Soonyoung sigh when he saw his boyfriend on the phone. He still wasn’t over what happened the other night when Rowoon ignored him. He used to be pretty secure with how Rowoon feels about him, but at the moment he wasn’t sure. Rowoon was running hot and cold. It was driving Soonyoung insane. But it was his fault, he thought. He couldn’t act normal, when his heart was guilty. 

“Are we going to talk? Or are you going to ignore me the whole night? Because I told you I needed to check on Wonwoo, and you said we need to talk but now you’re ignorning me again.” Soonyoung said. He didn’t mean to sound snappy but with his current state of mind, it was difficult for him to control his emotions. 

“Did you cheat on me with Jihoon?” Rowoon asked. Rowoon shocked himself with the question he just asked. He didn’t mean to ask the question so bluntly, but now that he did he afraid of the answer. 

“What?”

“I’m asking if you cheated? Just tell me the truth.” Rowoon asked. He finally put down the phone, and looked at Soonyoung. 

“I—“

“Okay, I’ll take that as a yes.” Rowoon finally stood up and sat at the day bed near the window. 

“No! I did not. How can you say that?” Soonyoung asked. He was fidgeting with his hands. Soonyoung grabbed Rowoon’s wrist, but the latter moved away. 

“I saw you that night. You were both sleeping as he held your hand. Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

“Will you let me explain? Please... I wasn’t avoiding you! The last time we saw each other you ignored me and basically left me in the middle of the road without saying anything. Please..” Soonyoung said already tearing up. 

“That’s because you were cuddling with Lee Jihoon. Explain then...” Rowoon said as he crossed his arm. It wasn’t his plan to be this cold to Soonyoung, but his emotions got the better of him. 

“I wasn’t cuddling with him! I— I don’t know. It just ha—happened.” Soonyoung whimpered. He tried to grabbed Rowoon’s hand but he was shaking so bad, and he didn’t have the courage to actually reach out.

“What?” When Rowoon saw Soonyoung, the other boy was already trembling. Soonyoung was sobbing quietly and couldn’t not get any words out. He was breathing erratically. Rowoon immediately scooped the other boy in his arms when he saw Soonyoung’s lips quivering and trying to talk but he was trying to control his sobs. “Hey, it’s okay. Love, don’t cry. Please, you’re breaking my heart here. We’re just talking. Please.” 

Rowoon tried his best to comfort Soonyoung. He didn’t want Soonyoung to have another attack on his account. He asked himself if he was jumping to conclusions. He hoped he was. 

“Baby, let’s breathe first, okay?” Rowoon was torn between feeling mad and wanting to take care of Soonyoung. The latter choice won. No matter how jealous and mad he was, he could never deliberately hurt Soonyoung. So, he comforted him the best as he could. 

“I— I want— I want to explain, but can I ask a question?” Soonyoung asked still crying and trembling. 

“Anything, baby. Please stop crying, I’m not mad. Please, your tears are breaking my heart, more than anything else could.” Soonyoung tried to stop crying for Rowoon’s sake, but the tears just kept falling. 

“Is- Is that why you ignored me? You saw me with Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked. 

“Yes, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have waited for you to tell me before jumping to any conclusions. I was just hurt.” Rowoon explained. 

“Ruru, I’m so-sorry. I’m sorry. Please, please don’t be mad at me. Please, don’t leave me. I don’t know how it happened, we were talking and then he was kissing me and I don’t know.” Soonyoung sobbed harder. “I’m sorry. Ruru, please.”

Rowoon stiffened upon hearing Soonyoung talk. All Rowoon wanted to do was walk away. He was expecting another explanation instead of the one he was hearing. When he heard that they kissed, he wanted to throw things and punch things. But seeing Soonyoung’s state stopped him. He held the other boy tighter and said:

“Will you explain it properly? Please.”

“We were eating and then he was kissing me, but never on the lips. I swear, I turned my head away. I swear, that’s all that happened. I didn’t kiss him back. Please..”

Soonyoung was clinging on Rowoon, crying his heart out.

“Then what happened?” Rowoon was still holding Soonyoung but his grip on the other boy slackened.

“I asked him to stop and he stopped. I went to the bathroom and I suffered an attack. When I went out, he- he asked me to rest for a bit because I was exhausted and I fell asleep. That’s all I swear, Ruru.” 

Soonyoung quickly explained. 

“Did he force you?” Rowoon asked angrily.He already let go of Soonyoung. He clenched his hands on his side, trying to decide what to feel. “Did he force you?”

“No, he didn’t. Of course, he didn’t. It’s Jihoon! He’s not like that.” Soonyoung said, which made Rowoon even angrier. They were already fighting but Soonyoung was still defending Jihoon.

“So, you allowed it?” Rowoon asked. He could help it any longer and raised his voice. 

“No! I- I don’t know.” Soonyoung grabbed at Rowoon’s arm but the latter forcefully pushed Soonyoung away. 

“You don’t know? You should have told me about it!” Rowoon yelled. He was mad. He told himself to get a grip and that Soonyoung was already trembling in fear, but he couldn’t help it. He was seething mad. 

“I was scared and I was confused.”

“Did I give you any reason to be scared of me?” Rowoon asked. He stood up and went as far as Soonyoung as possible. 

“No!”

“Exactly! So, you should have told me that very day so I won’t be feeling this amount of betrayal.” Rowoon said as he punched the wall beside him. It bruised his hand but the pain was nothing compared to what he’s feeling in his heart. 

“I was scared I’ll lose you. I’m sorry. Ruru, I’m sorry. Everything is confusing. I’m so confused.” Soonyoung was startled when Rowoon punched the wall. With both hands clasp together as if in prayer he begged Rowoon to listen to him. “Please, Ruru. I’m sorry.”

“Do you love me?” Rowoon asked.

“Of course! How could you ask me that?”

“Do you love Jihoon?” Soonyoung hesitated. 

“N- I- I don’t know.”

“Soons, I love you a lot. But if you can’t say no to that second question, it means there’s a possibility that it’s a yes. I- I can’t deal with this right now.” Rowoon said as he walked away but Soonyoung tried to stopped him. 

“Wait Ruru, please. I’m sorry. Let me explain.”

“Let me think, okay?” Rowoon snapped.

“Please let me explain. Please listen first, please.” Soonyoung begged as he sobbed. 

“Let me think first, Soons. I don’t want to say thing that’ll hurt the both of us, especially you. I don’t want to do things that I’ll regret later on. Just give me some space.” 

“Do you want me to leave?” Soonyoung whispered, praying that Rowoon would say no. 

“Yes, I think that would be best.”

Rowoon’s face was devoid of the usual warmth. His eyes were cold and hands that were always welcoming for Soonyoung, were all clenched in fists. 

“A- Are we breaking up?” Soonyoung asked and grabbed Rowoon’s wrist, but he let go when he saw Rowoon’s face. 

Rowoon closed his eyes, trembling in anger. Soonyoung took Rowoon’s silence as a yes. He silently walked away and slowly grabbed his stuff from the bedroom and decided to leave. He was on his way out when he felt the box containing the spool of thread in his pocket. He didn’t know if he even had the right to keep it. So he took a paper where he wrote a note and left it on the kitchen counter with the box. Then, he left. 

**Soonyoung’s Dump and Secret Account**


	46. Soonyoung’s Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Jihoon’s Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon felt guilty. He should have listened to Wonwoo when he asked him to stay away from Soonyoung.

He decided to leave the studio for a while. He found himself taking a cab to his old university. It was something that he wanted to do, ever since he came home. He wanted to visit the place where he was the happiest. The place where he dreamt of happiness with the one person who mattered to him the most. 

He walked around the familiar campus. There were students milling around. He walked to the old Music and Performance Arts Building. Despite the time, it was still buzzing with life. Students were still in the dance studio. 

He visited Soonyoung’s favorite practice room. One wall was still filled with graffiti. He smiled when he saw their own signature. ‘Soonhoon’ was still as visible as the first time they wrote it. 

“Hi! Are you a student here?” One grungy looking student asked him. 

“No, not anymore. I used to be. This was one of my favorite practice rooms.” Jihoon said.

“Oh, you’re a dance major?” 

“No, I was a music major so my rooms are in the upper floor. My boyfriend used to..”

“Oh, you’re boyfriend was a dance major?”

“Yes, this was us.” Jihoon pointed at their names.

“Hoshi is your boyfriend?” The student asked excitedly. 

“No, sadly we broke up long long time ago.” Jihoon said. 

“Oh my God! You’re Woozi!”

“Uhm, you know me?”

“Yes! Power couple of the century!” The student said excitedly. 

“Oh, yeah.”

“Oh this is exciting! I attend Hoshi’s classes in his studio. Have you met him?”

“Yes, I have to go. Thank you.” Jihoon said as he tried to walk away from the student. 

“Oh, okay. See you around Woozi! Thank you for talking to me!”

Jihoon walked out of the practice room and headed to his studio. He wanted to see his old studio but someone was using it. So, he found himself on the way to the rooftop. It was his and Soonyoung’s special place. They used to stay there all the time just watching the stars, or each other. It was there where he finally confessed, and where Soonyoung agreed to be his boyfriend.

** Jihoon Instagram Post **

****

**Soonyoung’s Dump and Secret Account**

****

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**Soonyoung’s Twitter Post**

**Soonyoung’s Phone**

**Soonyoung’s Messages**

**Groupchat without Soonyoung**

**ROWOON**

Rowoon was mad, but he wasn’t mad at Soonyoung or maybe he was. He wasn’t sure. He was jealous. When Soonyoung said that Jihoon kissed him, every thought in him vanished. He was so angry. He asked Soonyoung to leave before he said anything hurtful. He didn’t think that not saying anything would have been more hurtful for Soonyoung.

Rowoon just realized he let Soonyoung leave thinking that he was mad at him, when he wasn’t. He let Soongyoung leave thinking that they were breaking up and he didn’t even say goodbye. He was just hurt and confuse. He was angry at the situation. But he never wanted Soonyoung to leave, he just wanted some space to think. He didn’t even say good bye when the other tearfully took his stuff and left. 

He felt guilty. He should have a least said something before Soonyoung left. He felt guilty, and worried. When he realized the implication of what he just did, that Soonyoung just asked him if it was a break up and he did not even respond, he ran to follow Soonyoung but stopped when he saw the box he gave Soonyoung on top of the kitchen counter. 

It also contained a letter. His heart clenched in fear when he saw the box. Does that mean they were over? Rowoon asked himself. He wanted to beat himself up for letting Soonyoung walk away, even for a little bit.He just needed space to process everything, he didn’t mean for them to break up. 

**Soonyoung’s Letter to Rowoon**

****

Rowoon tried calling Soonyoung, but his phone was out of reach. He also tried calling all his friends, but they haven’t seen him. It worried Rowoon. Given Soonyoung’s history, he shouldn’t have let the other boy leave. He beat himself up for letting Soonyoung leave.

💬 **Rowoon / Soonyoung**

**💬 Rowoon / Jeonghan**

Rowoon dialled Soonyoung’s number again but it went straight to voice mail. He beat himself up for letting Soonyoung go just like that. He didn’t know what he’ll do if something happens to the other boy.

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung found himself at their old university. He wanted answers. He needed his mind to remember, so that everything will just go back to normal. He loves Rowoon and he needed his mind clear to be able to go back to that love. 

He needed a clear mind to follow his heart, which was telling him that he loves Rowoon. 

He found himself in front of the Dance Department. Before, he couldn’t remember much about the school. Just the basic stuff, memories spent with Wonwoo. Most of the memories were a blur. But it seemed that some memory creeped up on him when he wasn’t paying attention. 

He remembered being roommates with Wonwoo. He remembered the late night converstions with Wonwoo. All his memories of this place, related to Wonwoo. He remembered working so hard for his best friend. But everything else is blank. He knew he was the top student in their department, but somehow he lost his scholarship. He didn’t know how he lost it. He just remembered staying at a one dingy studio apartment with Wonwoo because they had to give up their dorm  room. When he tried to think about Jihoon, all he saw was this rooftop. He did not know where it was. He figured he could just find it. 

“Hi! Excuse me?” Soonyoung asked the guard at the Music and Performance Art Building. 

“Yes? How can I help you?”

“I was wondering if there’s rooftop here that overlooks the whole university?” Soonyoung asked.

“Oh, there are plenty of that here. This building here included.” The guard said pointing at the buiilding behind him. 

“Oh, thank you. That used to be my building, I think.” Soonyoung said. 

Soonyoung walked towards the building. It was filled with students from different departments still practicing despite the time. He walked straight to the rooftop. 

He opened the door. 

The view wasn’t as spectacular as he remembered. There were broken chairs on one side, several broken lockers on the other. In the middle was an old decapilated bed, with strings of ligh all around it. It was nothing special Soonyoung thought. 

He sat on one of the chairs and look around the place. He tried to remember anything about the place. He saw flashes of marvel movies on laptops, bottles of colas, and a guitar. But beyond that he came up blank. 

He then tried to organize his thoughts through a dump account he made on instagram.There were several posts, his thought through out the day. Some older posts about Rowoon. Some newer posts about Jihoon. But mostly about his daily thoughts. 

**Soonyoung Private AND Dump/Secret Account**

**Soonyoung’s Dump and Secret Account**

(Soonyoung’s recurring dreams when he met Jihoon again.)

⛔️⛔️TRIGGER WARNING⛔️⛔️

-Do not view picture. Mentions and images relating to ending life.

⛔️⛔️DO NOT VIEW PICTURES⛔️⛔️

⛔️⛔️⛔️

🟢🟢🟢

**Soonyoung’s dump post // Jun’s past post (archived/hidden from soonyoung)**

**Soonyoung’s dump posts // Jihoon’s old post (archived) // Soonyoung’s post from his old instagram (forgotten and hidden from soonyoung)**

**Soonyoung Insta Dump // Jihoon’s past archived post (hidden from Soonyoung)**

**Instagram Soonyoung’s insta dump // Soonyoung’s old instagram (hidden from soonyoung)**

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Dump Account // Soonyoung’s past instagram (hidden from Soonyoung) // Jihoon’s past instagram post (archived/hidden from Soonyoung)**

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Dump Account // Jihoon’s past instagram post (archived/hidden from Soonyoung)**

“Please,” he told himself. “I’m scared. I’m so scared. But I’m hurting the person I love, please give me strength. Please.” 

He cried to himself on the dark rooftop. He was scared, but Rowoon asking him to leave was even scarier. He needed to face his fears if he was going to keep the people important to him. Wonwoo lost Mingyu and it’s all because of him and his condition. He was scared his best friend will hate him in the long run. Now, Rowoon asked him to leave. The two people who had been his pillar of strength were hurting because of him.

⛔️⛔️⛔️

He tried to calm himself down. He told himself it was going to be okay, over and over again but all he could think of was Rowoon’s face when he told him to leave. 

He hugged himself even tighter to keep himself from faliing apart. 

But it was no use, the monsters in his head were already at the door. Forcing themselves on his mind. He was at the edge of a cliff, and he was barely holding on. He started having difficulty breathing. He felt like he was going to burst from the pressure. He didn’t deserve Rowoon. He didn’t deserve someone as great as Rowoon. He betrayed him. Soonyoung just wanted to end the pain. Sobbing, he looked around and there were broken window glasses everywhere. He stood up and tried to reach for a small broken glass, but hands stopped him. He was also engulf into an embrace. He was still falling apart, but the arms holding him seem to be keeping him in place.

🟢🟢🟢

** ROWOON **

Rowoon drove around the neighborhood. He went to Soonyoung’s studio, to his cafe but the other boy not there. He also checked Soonyoung’s apartment but no one answered. He didn’t want to barge in if Wonwoo and Mingyu was still there, so he opted to knock instead of letting himself in.

**💬 Rowoon to Soonyoung**

** JIHOON **

When Jihoon went to the rooftop, he saw Soonyoung. The other boy was attempting to grab something on the floor. When he realized what it was, he immediately ran to the boy and embraced him. 

⛔️

Soonyoung was cold and trembling all over. He was also breathing eratically. 

Jihoon guided Soonyoung to sit on the old chair. He removed his jacket and put it on Soonyoung. He continued rubbing Soonyoung’s shoulder with both his hands and look straight into his eyes. 

“Soonie, come on. Look at me. Come back to me, please. Follow my voice. Soons?”

But Soonyoung just kept on crying and shaking. His eyes were looking at everywhere except him, until he closed his eyes. Jihoon kept on trying to make Soonyoung look at him. 

🟢

“Let’s count to ten? Soons?” Soonyoung was not responding to him. Jihoon sat on the floor and pulled Soonyoung to him. He cradled the other like a baby, letting Soonyoung rest his head on Jihoon’s chest. While Jihoon continued holding on to Soonyoung, telling him everything is going to be alright. He kissed Soonyoung’s temple and just continued holding the other boy as close as he can, whispering comforting words. 

Jihoon didn’t know how long they sat like that on the rooftop.It was only when the sobs became quieter, that Jihoon realized that Soonyoung already fell asleep. He continued cradling Soonyoung in his arms. He wondered what happened that pushed Soonyoung into this state. He continued holding on to Soonyoung, never wanting to let go. But he knew he had to, because Soonyoung is no longer his. He gave that right up when he left a long time ago. 


	47. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo woke up alone in an empty bed. He felt the emptiness of the room without Mingyu, it reflected how devoid of life he was feeling. He looked around his room and saw every memory he had with Mingyu. He remembered the dates they had in the apartment. 

** Wonwoo and Mingyu’s Instagram Post **

He remembered the stain on the carpet when Mingyu spilled his wine. The crooked curtain hanged on the windows, which Mingyu accidentally pulled one early morning and he was too sleepy to open his eyes properly. The organized bookshelves which Mingyu meticulously alphabetized. Everything about the room is engulf in Mingyu’s memory. Now, he’s gone, and it’s all because of himself. 

Wonwoo hugged himself in the dark room. He felt the darkness closing down on him, engulfing him loneliness. The pain in his heart won’t subside, if he even had a heart after this. 

“I’m sorry... Mingyu... I love you...” He said to the empty room, receiving no answer but the sound of his own breathing.

** Wonwoo’s Instagram Past Instagram Posts **

****

** **

****

****

** ROWOON **

Rowoon called his office to tell them he won’t be coming in that day. He spent the whole night driving around hoping to find Soonyoung, before finally parking the car outside Soonyoung’s apartment building.  
  
Mingyu texted him that night that Soonyoung did not come home. He went to all the places he knew Soonyoung would go, but the boy wasn’t there. He was so worried, but he tried to rail in the panic. Soonyoung needed him to be strong. The pain of Soonyoung’s betrayal was nothing compared to the fear he was feeling of actually losing Soonyoung.

** 💬 Rowoon to Jeonghan **

****

** 💬 Rowoon to Wonwoo **

****

** JEONGHAN **

Jeonghan was worried. When Rowoon told him that Soonyoung ran off after their fight, he panicked. The last time Soonyoung disappeared he found him at the old practice rooms that the university no longer use. It was dark and abandoned. It was the time when Soonyoung was informed that he lost his scholarship and they were asked to leave the dorms. Soonyoung felt guilty, especially when Wonwoo was also living with him at that time.

** FLASHBACK **

Jeonghan went back to the university to look for his friend. He knew that Soonyoung could always be found in the university practice rooms. But when he checked the practice rooms, it was all occupied but no one has seen the boy. He checked every inch of the Music and Performance Arts Building, but Soonyoung could not be found. He even checked the rooftop, to no avail.

He was on his way to the administration building, when he saw the old Dance Department building. It was old and abandoned. The university was preparing to tear it down to build a new building, exclusively for Dance majors. It couldn’t hurt to check, he said to himself.

He went through the overgrown grass and checked the lobby. There were watermarks everywhere, a few bottle of beers, cigarette butts, and tons of trash all over. The building was falling apart, but it was a perfect hideout for students to smoke or drink inside campus. He then went on to look at the different practice rooms, when he opened the second one, he saw Soonyoung on the ground. He assumed the other one was sleeping.

“Soons? Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked. He walked lazily toward the other boy and knelt down. He shook Soonyoung but the other boy was unresponsive.

⛔️⛔️⛔️

“Hey, Soonie. Stop joking around!” He yelled and shook the other boy harder. It was only then that he noticed how shallow Soonyoung’s breaths were. He shook him again but Soonyoung was not responding.

“Yah! Kwon Soonyoung! Wake up!” Jeonghan was now panicking. He saw several empty Soju bottles near Soonyoung’s bag. When he saw Soonyoung’s empty antidepressant bottle on the floor, he immediately grabbed his phone from his bag and dialed 119 for an ambulance.

“Soonyoung, please wake up.” He tried to lift Sooyoung but the other was too heavy for him. So, he tried to talk to Soonyoung while waiting for the ambulance, just whispering words of encouragement and love. He was relieved when the ambulance finally arrived. They arrived at the hospital, which was fortunately just two blocks away, in record time. Soonyoung was brought to the emergency room. Jeonghan was asked to wait outside, where he called Seungcheol. He didn’t have the strength to wait alone.

**End of Flashback**

🟢🟢🟢

Jeonghan found Seungcheol in the kitchen, brewing coffee. The other was still in his boxers, 

“Can you text Jihoon?” Jeonghan asked his boyfriend. “I’m getting worried. Soonyoung’s still missing and maybe Jihoon knows where he is.”

“I already called last night. He didn’t answer.” Seungcheol noticed his boyfriend being quiet. He knew how much scared Jeonghan was, especially after what happened last time.

“Hey, Soonyoung is in a much better place, okay? What happened last time will not happen again. Wonwoo’s taking good care of that oaf. Rowoon also loves him very much. We’re also there for him. So, everything will be okay.” Seuncheol assured Jeonghan.

** SOONYOUNG **

Soonyoung woke up in an unfamiliar room. The last thing he remembered was that he was at a rooftop trying to recover his memories. Then, everything else became fuzzy. He panicked when he realized he had no idea where he was and he was wearing different clothes from yesterday. He looked around and realized how sparsely decorated the room was. There was hardly any furniture except for the bed and a desk filled with papers. 

He scrambled to get off the bed, throwing the blanket on the floor in the process. He ran towards door but tripped himself with the fallen blankets and collided with someone coming inside. It caused the other person to drop everything he was carrying on the floor, splashing Soonyoung in the process.  
  
Shocked, Soonyoung found himself covered in kimchi.  
  
“Sh*t!”  
  
“Jihoon?!”  


Both of them said at the same time.

  
“Are you okay?” Jihoon asked as he tried to clean up the food on Soonyoung clothes. “Okay, that was supposed to be your breakfast.” Jihoon said and smiled. He cleaned up the broken plates and fallen food and set aside the mess. He then went to get some clothes in his closet.  
  
“Here, why don’t you take a shower and change into this? I’ll try to cook you something else.” Jihoon said as he pushed the kimchi drenched Soonyoung into the bathroom. “Soons, I know you’re a disoriented right now. I’ll explain everything, okay? But you’re making my room smell like kimchi and you’re wearing my favorite shirt. So, please, shower?” Jihoon said with a smile.  
  
Soonyoung complied when he realized that Jihoon was right. He also needed to be alone for a second and think about what was happening. He went to the shower; it was spacious and warm, but the like the bedroom it lacked anything personal decorations, just the essentials. He took off his clothes and put them in the wash. The warm water from the shower helped ease the tension on his body. Then he remembered how Rowoon asked him to leave, how the other stayed silent when he asked him if they were breaking up. He covered his mouth with his hand to keep the sound of him crying from getting too loud. He hugged himself, willing himself to stop crying and to breathe.  
  
He was almost done when he heard a soft knock from the door.  
  
“Soons? Are you okay?” Jihoon asked from the other side of the door.  
  
“Yes, I’m almost done.” Soonyoung grabbed a towel from the rack and wiped himself dry. He looked at himself at the mirror and he was greeted by a puffy red eyed Soonyoung. He slowly opened the door to the bathroom and check if Jihoon was still in the room.  
  
“Hey.” Jihoon said which startled Soonyoung. “Sorry.”  
  
“Oh just that I forgot the clothes on the bed.”  
  
Jihoon took the clothes and gave it to Soonyoung. Jihoon knew he should stop staring but he couldn’t help it. Soonyoung, through the years, had become toner and leaner. When Soonyoung noticed Jihoon’s stares, decided to go to the bathroom to change.  
  
“I’m sorry. Here, I’ll turn around.” Jihoon said when he noticed Soonyoung eyeing the bathroom door.  
  
“Thank you.” Soonyoung said. He then on put on the borrowed clothes and boxers as quickly as possible. “I’m done. Thank you.”  
  
“Good, come on. Food’s ready.” Jihoon guided Soonyoung to the kitchen where he prepared a simple breakfast of kimchi fried rice. “Sorry, I don’t really know how to cook anything else. It was either that or ramen.”

“No, this is great. I love kimchi.”

“I know.” Jihoon said attempting to make Soonyoung laughed but the other just shrugged. Jihoon sat across Soonyoung and watched the other boy quietly eat his food.They ate in silence. Jihoon wanted to ask questions, but he knew Soonyoung needed space. So, he just let the other boy eat in peace.  
  
“I’m sorry for the intrusion, Jihoon.” Finally spoke.  
  
“Don’t worry about it. You’re always welcome here.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Thank you. May I ask what happened?”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know. But I was at our old university, and I found you on the rooftop. You must have passed out from exhaustion. You were running a fever the whole night.”  
  
“Oh, I don’t remember. I guess I was sicker than I thought I was.” Soonyoung said. He knew he had an attack, and that he almost slipped, but he stayed quiet. He silently thanked Jihoon for not mentioning about that.  


“I had you drink your medicine but you immediately fell asleep. I also needed to reduce your fever with a sponge bath because I couldn’t wake you up to drink another dose of your medicine. I’m sorry I had to change you. I wanted you to be comfortable.” 

“It’s okay. It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked since you already changed my clothes and everything.” Soonyoung said. He blushed when he realized what he just said. Jihoon noticed Soonyoung’s discomfort and immediately changed the subject.

”You’re welcome to stay here if you want. I can stay at the studio if you want to be alone.” Jihoon offered. He knew leaving Soonyoung alone after what happened yesterday was not a good idea. If Soonyoung decides to stay, he’ll probably just look for an excuse to stay with the boy.  
  
“No, it’s okay. Once, I’m done, can I go?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Of course.”  
  
“Thank you, Jihoon. Thank you for taking care of me and putting up with me.”  
  
“Soons, I’m here if you want to talk or we can go to your doctor if you want. Just tell me what you need, I’ll do it.”  
  
“I need Wonwoo.” Soonyoung answered. Soonyoung knew he needed Wonwoo. Wonwoo knew how to clear his mind.  
  
“Oh, okay. Should I call him?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“No, I should head home. He must be worried. Have you seen my phone?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s by the side table. But the battery is drained.”  
  
“Oh, can I use your phone? I just want to text Wonwoo. Please.”  
  
“Of course, anything.”  


** 💬 Soonyoung to Wonwoo **

****

“Here. Thank you.” Soonyoung returned Jihoon’s phone.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
“No, I just want Wonwoo.” Soonyoung said as he hugged himself.  
  
“Oh, okay.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Jihoon. I just feel exhausted and confuse. It’s not you. I’m very thankful for what you did for me.”  
  
“Of course, it’s okay. I understand. You don’t have to worry about anything with me.” Jihoon said. He reached for Soonyoung’s hand but the latter moved them away. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“No, it’s just that. I don’t know. Everything is confusing when you’re around.” Soonyoung explained. He knew part of what he was feeling was because of Jihoon. He knew then that most of his memories had something to do with Jihoon.  
  
“Oh, okay.”  
  
“I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Ji.”  
  
“You don’t have to explain.”  
  
“But I want to! D*mmit! Why do people not listen to my explanation and just cut me off all the time?! I’m tired of being ignored and being disregarded!” Soonyoung snapped. He didn’t mean to snap at Jihoon but he felt overlooked at the moment. Rowoon ignored him and didn’t even say good bye or clarify whether they were broken up or something. He didn’t know why, but it always pisses him off whenever he’s not answered, when someone ignores, or when someone leaves without saying goodbye.  
  
“Hey! I’m sorry. I just didn’t think it was important— I’m okay with everything, so you need not explain.”  
  
“But it is important to me! I exist too, don’t I? I feel like a worthless piece of sh*t when people do that. They don’t say good bye, or disregard my explanations. My explanations matter too! Please stop disregarding that!” Soonyoung said completely agitated. He didn’t know where his anger was coming from, but it irritated him that people would always just say okay or leave without first hearing him out.  


“Hey.” Jihoon stood up and went to Soonyoung’s side of the table. He made the other boy face him and held both his hands, giving them a reassuring squeeze. “I’m sorry. Every word you say is valuable. They matter. You matter. I’m just an idiot and I’m just being cautious. Please believe me. I just don’t want to accidentally hurt you, but I did anyways. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Forgive me, please.”

Soonyoung sighed and stared at Jihoon’s hands still holding his. One part of him wanted to let go, but the other part wanted to just hold on. He felt comforted with Jihoon’s closeness and the way his thumbs soothingly rubs circles on the back of his hands.   
  
“I’m sorry too, for snapping. I don’t know why I’m like this.” Soonyoung felt like he overreacted.  
  
“What? You don’t know why you’re perfect?” Jihoon said trying to lighten up Soonyoung’s mood. He used to be reticent, even with Soonyoung, but he tried his best. He knew the other boy needed it, but he also wanted to since they haven’t talked in a long time.  
  
“I’m serious!” Soonyoung said pulling his hands away, but Jihoon caught them quickly and pulled Soonyoung closer.  
  
“I am serious, You’re perfect. You’re the most reliable friend. Look at how you took care of Wonwoo. He’s doing great because of you. He’ll achieve his dreams because you helped him. Look at how Chanie looks up to you, and how protective of you he is, not to mention Hanie and Cheol Hyung. Seokmin adores you so much. Mingyu might be jealous of the time you spent with Wonwoo, but he loves you a lot. A lot of your friends do. It’s because they see you as perfect, even with the flaws.” Jihoon explained.  
  
“My friends? You’re not their friend? And how do you know all of that?”  
  
“Seokmin secretly talks to me.” Jihoon quietly said as if someone might hear him.

“Seokmin is such a blabbermouth.” Soonyoung laughed thinking about one of his favorite dongsaengs.

“I know they haven’t accepted me back. I mean, they are my friends but it’ll take a while before we become as close as we were before. I’m working on it.” Jihoon explained. “How about us?”  
  
“Us?” Soonyoung asked confused. Were they friends? He asked himself. Do friends kiss their friends the way Jihoon just did last time they were together? He asked himself. If they’re friends, he shouldn’t be feeling this longing he kept feeling. Even sitting before Jihoon he felt this massive amount of longing that he just wants to bury himself in Jihoon’s chest. He chastised himself for even thinking about it. How can he think about Jihoon, when he’s on the verge of losing Rowoon.  
  
“Are we friends? Can we be friends?”  
  
“I thought we are.” Soonyoung honestly answered.  
  
“We are. I just wanted to make sure.” Jihoon said. He let go of Soonyoung’s hands and grabbed a tub of ice cream from the freezer.  
  
“Thank you for saving me, again. What were you even doing there?” Soonyoung asked as he helped himself with the ice cream. He smiled when he realized it was his favorite flavor. He realized almost all the stuff in the apartment was his favorit or his taste. The tiger print pillows on the couch, the color of the curtains, there’s also a tiger plushie hastily pushed inside the closet, the kimchi tasted like the one he brand he liked, and now the ice cream.  
  
“I was, to be honest I don’t know. I just wanted to visit places where I used to hang out. That’s all.” Jihoon said.

“So, you used to hangout at that rooftop?” Jihoon realized he just let an important fact slipped.

“Yeah, before leaving for the States. You probably won’t remember it, since I was there for a short period of time.”

“You’re lying. You promised, but you’re lying.” Soonyoung said no longer interested in the ice cream.

“Soons, I’m not- “

“But why do I feel like you were there all the time?”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw the rooftop in my dreams. I keep seeing it in my dreams. Sometimes, after the dream I’d feel happy and loved. There’s this song that I kept hearing. But some other times I feel sad. There’s this longing clenching my heart. I don’t know and I feel you there. This feeling right now with you, that’s what I felt whenever I dream of the rooftop.”

Jihoon was shocked with Soonyoung’s explanation. It seemed that Soonyoung’s memories were manifesting in his dreams. His mind must be testing the waters, checking if the other boy was ready or not to remember his repressed past.

“Can I ask a question?”

“Sure.”

“What do you remember about me?” Jihoon asked.

“Mostly, during our middle and high school years, that we were close. College becomes a little fuzzy. But it’s not just you though, when I got into an accident, I forgot everything, but slowly the memories came back. I remember, when I woke up from the comma, I couldn’t recognize Wonwoo. He cried like a baby. But at the same night I called him Wonunu, and it was just at that time when I realized I remember him.” Soonyoung explained. “As for you, just the basic stuff. Like we were friends, until you had to go away.”  


“That’s it?” Jihoon asked. A little disappointed and relief at the same time. He was disappointed that Soonyoung even erased their happy memories together. He was relieved that Soonyoung forgot about the pain he caused him.

“Well, whatever we were to each other, I think I lost it. I don’t remember.” Soonyoung said. Soonyoung felt that they were more than just friends, with the way Jihoon apolgized in the cafe, the way Jihoon kissed him, and the way he was feeling. Soonyoung felt that there were more to them than just friendship, but he didn’t mention it.

“I kissed you though, doesn’t that say something?” Jihoon said bluntly. 

Soonyoung blushed from the memory. 

“Have you always been this blunt?” Soonyoung said. 

“Maybe.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to think about what you just said. I’m with Rowoon or was with Rowoo. I don’t know if we’re together or not. I’m sorry if I hurt you in any way, especially for being this f*cked up.” Soonyoung said as his eyes teared up in frustration. Jihoon immediately engulf the other in his arms. He held Soonyoung tighter when he heard the other sniffling on his shoulders.

“Hey, stop apologizing for something that you have no control over. It’s okay. Anything, you throw at me, I can take. I’m not going anywhere. As for Rowoon, he’ll come around. He loves you.” Jihoon tried to be reassuring as he can, but his heart clenched in disappointment. He knew it there was no one to blame, but himself. Soonyoung was about to apologize again when they heard someone rang the bell.


	48. Stepping Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was in freaked out when he woke up to several messages from his friends. They were all looking for Soonyoung. He checked his friend’s room and found no one. He immediately dialed his friend’s number but it went through voice mail. He was about to run out of the apartment himself when he received a text from an unknown number. It was Soonyoung, asking if he could fetch him. He grabbed a jacket and immediately went to the given address. When he arrived at the place, it was on the more luxurious part of the city. He wasn’t expecting Jihoon to answer the intercom, buzzing him up to his apartment.

Jihoon opened the door for him. He found Soonyoung clad in Jihoon’s clothes. He was lost in thought, but when he saw Wonwoo, the other boy immediately ran into his arms and embraced Wonwoo tightly. Wonwoo frowned when he realized that Soonyoung spent the night with Jihoon. He was about to scold Soonyoung for putting him and his friends into a frenzy when he was just spending time with his ex-boyfriend whom he does not remember, but Jihoon signaled him not to.

“Soons, why don’t you get your things in my room? Your phone is by the bedside table. I just want to talk to Wonwoo for a minute.” Jihoon said. To Wonwoo’s surprise, Soonyoung complied and left the two of them alone.

“Wonwoo, I know I have much to explain so can you first listen please.”

“Don’t tell me you managed to make him like you again after everything that’s happened. Is that what this is? A fling? You both going behind Rowoon’s back?” Wonwoo asked crossing his arms. 

“No, Soonyoung is not like that. How could you suspect that? Especially of Soonyoung?” Jihoon asked in disbelief.

“Because it’s you, anything is possible for Soonyoung if it’s you and what other explanation is there?” Wonwoo asked.

“I found him on the rooftop. No, we did not talk about it. It was purely coincidence.” Jihoon told Wonwoo the short version of what happened. “I know I haven’t been the most trustworthy person when it comes to Soonyoung, but please if you need help, I am always one call away.”

Wonwoo regretted his comment about the fling. Soonyoung was not the type of person to do that, he said to himself. Soonyoung wouldn’t intentionally hurt a person. But Soonyoung was also the type to drop anything for Jihoon.

When Soonyoung came out with his stuff, Wonwoo engulf him in an embrace. He was apologetic for suspecting Soonyoung, for implying that he was inconsiderate. He was also guilty that he failed to notice the signs that Soonyoung was hurting and he failed to notice. He beat himself up for failing the notice Soonyoung’s state of mind. He knew about the attacks, but he didn’t realize it was at that state where Soonyoung thought about harming himself. 

He usually monitors Soonyoung’s social media posts, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Hey Wonu, what’s wrong?” Soonyoung asked, surprised with the sudden change of Wonwoo’s attitude. “I just missed you, let’s go home?”

Soonyoung nodded. They both say good bye to Jihoon who hesitated before giving both of them a hug.

**Jihoon’s Twitter Post**

**Rowoon’s Twitter Post**

** ROWOON **

Rowoon was waiting outside Soonyoung’s apartment for a while now. He bought Soonyoung’s favorite flowers and a tiger plushie as peace offering. But he dropped them when he saw a cab pull up. It was Wonwoo and Soonyoung.

“Love?” He ran towards Soonyoung and hug the boy. “Where have you been? I was worried sick! I’m sorry about the fight. Please, forgive me.” Rowoon said still clinging on to Soonyoung who felt like being suffocated from the tight embrace.

“Ruru, let go of me for a second.” Soonyoung asked but Rowoon just hugged him tighter. “Ruru! I can’t breathe. Let go!” 

Wonwoo was about to intervene but stopped when he saw Rowoon let go.

“I’m sorry. I was scared. Please, let’s talk. Rowoon said.

“Not now, okay?” Soonyoung said. He leaned his forehead on Rowoon’s chest. He didn’t know how to say it to Rowoon, that maybe taking a break wasn’t a mistake and that maybe they needed space away from each other.

“I feel tired, Ruru. I know I hurt you, and I regret it with all my heart. But I feel so exhausted, I know it’s fault, but I really need a break.” Soonyoung said as he took a step back from Rowoon.

“Please...” Rowoon grabbed Soonyoung’s wrist a litte harder than usual. 

Wonwoo intervened when he saw Soonyoung flinched.

“You’ve seen him. He’s okay. So, go.” Wonwoo said grabbing Rowoon’s hand that gripping Soonyoung’s wrist. “Go inside Soonie.”   
  
“I’m not leaving until we talk. Just let me talk to him in private. Please.”  
  
“So that you can push him to the edge again? I told you didn’t i? You can fight with him all you want just don’t fucking ignore him or leave without saying good bye. I told you those were his triggers!”  
  
“I was mad. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. Please.” Rowoon begged Wonwoo.  
  
“No, he almost— Nevermind, it’s no longer your concern.”  
  
“Of course it is, come on Wonwoo. I made a mistake because I was mad. Please let me just explain.” Rowoon insisted. He needed to explain to Soonyoung that he wasn’t angry, and that he didn’t mean to ignore him.  
  
“No, please leave.”  
  
“Stop it, both of you. Please.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Soons? Please let’s talk. Please.” Rowoon begged Soonyoung.   
  
“It’s okay Wonu, I’ll only take a minute.”

Wonwoo hesitated before leaving. He waited by the entrance of their apartment building, refusing to totally leave Soonyoung out of sight for even just a moment.  
  
“Love?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Ruru. You’re right. We need space.” Soonyoung said after a moment of hesitation.   
  
“What? No! I didn’t mean it. I was just mad. I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry. This isn’t me; you know this isn’t me. I don’t know how it happened but I promise you, I’ll be that Rowoon again. Please Soonie, don’t leave me. This is all my fault, but I promise to be better.”

“Stop saying that. None of these is your fault. You’re perfect and I love you just the way you are. But I can’t stay with you knowing that I’m a fucked-up person. My mess is hurting you. You deserve better.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“No, I don’t want anyone else, just you. Please, stay with me. I’ll forget everything that happened. Please. I love you. Please don’t leave me, Soonie.” Rowoon begged, sobbing as he held on the Soonyoung’s arms refusing to let go.  
  
“But that’s the thing, I can’t stay knowing that my mess is causing you pain. So, please. I love you but I’m a mess. Maybe I need to face my fears about the past first, before I can move forward with you. I’m sorry. I love you, Ruru.”  
  
“Wait Soon— please—“Rowoon begged.

But Soonyoung already started walking away from Rowoon. Rowoon tried to follow Soonyoung but Wonwoo stopped him.  


“Soonie, please.. let me hold you please, even for just a second. Wonwoo, please let me give him my—“ He looked for the flowers but Wonwoo stopped him. 

“Rowoon, please leave. If you love Soonyoung, leave and give him space. I know how much he means to you, but for the sake of his peace of mind right now, give him space.” 

“Wonwoo please...”

“Rowoon, I know how much you care for Soonyoung. I know that you always put his needs first before anything else. This is the time that he needs the space so much, please don’t deny him that. I’ll take care of him. I promise. I’ll even update you, okay? But you almost pushed him to the end and he needs time to recuperate. So, please will you listen to me and just give him space?” Wonwoo asked.

Rowoon knew that Wonwoo was right, but he couldn’t help but feel that he was losing Soonyoung. He wanted to fight for Soonyoung, but Soonyoung needed him to step back. Between his and Soonyoung’s needs, he always chose to Soonyoung’s. That was how much he loved Soonyoung. 

So, he finally gave in:

“Okay, please call me if there’s something that I can do. Promise me Wonwoo, anything and anytime.”  
  
“Okay, thank you. I’ll text you. Take care.”

Rowoon watched as Wonwoo walked away. He watched as Soonyoung went into the building. He waited until he could no longer see the boy, before he went to his car and grabbed the flower and tiger plushie he dropped earlier. He went inside his car where he broke down in uncontrollable sobs while he hugged the plushie with all his might.

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung went directly to his bed and buried himself in blanket. He tried to muffled his cries with the pillows but failed. He couldn’t stop thinking about Rowoon’s face, the devastation and pain. He couldn’t stop thinking about Rowoon’s puffy nose and red rimmed eyes. He wanted to take away Rowoon’s pain. He wanted to wipe it all away and just run to the boy, but he can’t. He knew if he continued to stay with Rowoon, he’d just hurt him even further. 

He also knew he needed to explain things to Wonwoo to clear his head, but he didn’t know where to start. He couldn’t think straight, he just let Rowoon go. 

He was thankful that Wonwoo let him cry it out alone. He needed to grieve for his lost love. He cried until fell asleep. 

When he woke up, he was startled when Wonwoo suddenly hugged from him from behind and buried his face on his back.

“Hey sleepy head. You smell nice, Soonie.”

“Did something happen?” Soonyoung asked and faced his best friend who was now burying himself on Soonyoung’s chest. Wonwoo was not the type of person who likes skinship but he was usually clingy when something bad happens and he’s too cautious to tell the other. 

“You first, only if you want to though.” Wonwoo said looking up at Soonyoung who brushed Wonwoo’s hair aside.

“I don’t want to, but I have to. How about you?”

“Same.” Wonwoo said.

“I did the right thing, right?” Soonyoung sat up and hugged a pillow.

“About?”

“Asking for space.”

“Of course, I think you need it.” Wonwoo said.

“Jihoon told you, didn’t he?”

“Yes, a little bit.”

“I’m scared. I don’t want to lose Rowoon, but I’m so confused. I didn’t even hug him. Wonu, earlier I felt that it was the right thing, but now I’m not so sure. I should have hugged him good bye, instead I walked away.” Soonyoung tearfully said. 

“Can I ask why you fought?”

“Jihoon kissed me.” Soonyoung admitted.

“What?!”

“When we saw each other last time, well it easy to be comfortable with him. We were like old friends, teasing each other. But I was feeling that we were more than that, I felt drawn to him like when he’s there, everything else seemed to disappear.”

Soonyoung explained. 

“Okay, then what?”

“Well, he tickled me and kissed me. But not on the lips! He kissed me all over and I couldn’t stop because maybe I liked it. My body was reacting to him. It’s like the relief of finally taking a breath after holding out for so long. It felt like coming home at the end of a long day of work. It’s confusing.” Soonyoung burrowed his brows as he tried to explain exactly how he felt for Jihoon.

“Soons, you told Rowoon that?”

“I told him about the kiss, but not about the feelings. That last thing I want is to hurt him. He asked me if I love Jihoon.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I don’t know.” Soonyoung honestly didn’t know what his feelings for Jihoon at the moment.

“So, do you love him?”

“I don’t know. I just met him again a couple of weeks ago and we’re already talking about love. The last time I checked that’s not the way things happen.”

“Just tell me what you feel.”

“I don’t know. Like I want to kiss him, and then I feel guilty because I know and I’m sure that I love Rowoon. Rowoon feels like healing, relief and safe, like if I fall, he’ll catch me every time no questions asked. Jihoon feels like home. Like the first sip of a warm tea on a very freezing night but it can burn your throat if you drink it too fast. I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe you’re right.” Soonyoung said. Wonwoo was bewildered with how Soonyoung was explaining what he feels for Jihoon. It’s as if Soonyoung’s heart never forgot how to love Jihoon, it was just his mind.

“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung went back to Wonwoo’s arms and hugged his friend tightly. “Most of the time I feel like I’m okay, then I don’t know how it happened. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll deal with it together, like we did before and we’ll get through it, okay? There’s nothing to apologize for, it’s not your fault. But Soons, you have to tell me, okay?”

“Don’t be mad. I know Shua hyung told you guys to monitor my social media activity.” Soonyoung said.

“It’s not that we don’t trust you, it was just a precaution Soonie.” Wonwoo explained. It was something that he didn’t want but had to do. He just wanted to view Soonyoung’s post like a normal person, instead of always checking it out looking for signs.

“I know. It’s okay. But it made me feel like I’m being watched, so I made dump account.”

“Oh, we didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t really like the whole world knowing about my struggles, but you can see it if you want. I kept like a diary. But only you, okay?”

Soonyoung showed Wonwoo his dump account. It was only then that Wonwoo realized the gravity of Soonyoung’s pain and confusion. Soonyoung posted almost every hour about the little things. Some posts were about his dreams, but most of the posts were about how he was confused even by the smallest of things.

There were no real pictures of the people he knew in real life, instead he uploaded things that depicts how he saw the situation, pictures of people grabbed from the internet. 

“I’ve been thinking.” Wonwoo said as Soonyoung looked straight at him. Wonwoo held the boy tighter and said: “Maybe it’s time you took Doc Heneul’s offer about psychotherapy.” 

“No, I don’t want to. Don’t make me, please.”

Hey, I’m not trying to make you do things that you don’t want to, okay? I’m just reminding you that you have that option.” Wonwoo sigh when he noticed Soonyoung trembling a little. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here.”

They stayed in bed all day, body and limbs intertwined, as they comfort each other’s hurting hearts.

**Jihoon’s Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon prepared for another day in the studio. He actually had some songs ready for the company’s team, but he needed to tweak the beat a little. He was also going to meet his friends that day. It was a busy day but all he wanted to do was curl up in his bed. He thought about Soonyoung, how he wanted to take away his pain. But he was the main cause of that pain, he thought about leaving but that’s him being coward again. 

He wanted to text Soonyoung, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want Soonyoung to feel suffocated with his questions. Besides, Wonwoo was there and it was Wonwoo that Soonyoung needed at the moment. Jihoon trusted Wonwoo, more than he trust himself. If it wasn’t for him, Soonyoung and Wonwoo would have naturally fallen for each other. They were perfect for each other. Wonwoo loved Soonyoung very much. But he had to come and ruin everything for Soonyoung.

He stopped himself from focusing on unwanted thoughts and instead focus on his work. 

He looked around the studio which looked and feels even more like home. He looked at the bearbrick collection that he recently placed together with a few his marvel stuff. Two of which were gifts from Soonyoung, the rest he bought for himself. The elephant stuff toy that Soonyoung won for him in a fair was on the couch. He contemplated bringing the tiger plushie to the studio but decided to keep it at home. He hastily stashed it in the closet when he brought Soonyoung to the apartment. 

He looked at the cork board he recently put up. In his old studios, he used to pin old pictures of him and Soonyoung. Even in the states, it was still filled with their pictures. He took a box from the drawer, it was where he put all the pictures that he wanted to pin on the board. When he browsed through his collection, he realized that they were all pictures of him and Soonyoung. He closed the box and placed it in the drawer again. He wondered if there will come a time where he can post them again or a time where he will need to dispose them along with his heart. 

He jumped when he heard a knock on his door. When he opened the door, he was drowned in the warmth hug his kindest friend, Seokmin, also known as Dk to his fans. 

“I missed you hyung!” Seokmin said. The rest of their group came in one by one. He was surprised to see a haggard Joshua, who seemed to have not slept at all. 

“Hey guys.” Jihoon shyly said. Jeonghan sat on the couch like he owned the place while Seungkwan timidly went up to him and have him a hug.

“Hello. I’m sorry if the place is a mess. I just recently moved all my stuff here.”

“It hasn’t change, Jihoon-ah. Still feels like the old one in the university.” Jeonghan said as he played with the stuffed elephant on the couch. “You even kept that trash bin.”

Jihoon almost forgot about the trash bin. It was a prank gift from their group of friends. Since Jihoon’s always at the studio, he should also just learn how to take a dump in the studio. That was their message. 

“Of course, it’s one of my priceless possession.”

Seokmin laughed, but the rest of the group stayed silent. 

“I’m sorry.” Jihoon pulled his computer chair nearer and sat in front of his friends. 

“I know it wasn’t just Soonyoung that I hurt. When I abandoned him, I also abandoned our friendship. No reason in the world can excuse what I did. So, I’m not going to give excuses, but I’m here to apologize and hope you’ll give me a chance. I’ll do everything to make it up to you, guys.” Jihoon said as he stared at the floor. 

“So, where’s the song then? It’s been a long time since we did a cover as a group.” Jeonghan said.

“I think the song should be original. Maybe it’s not too late to give up med school and be a singer instead. What do you think, Jihoon-ah? Will you take me under your wing as my producer?” Joshua saif eyes crinkling in a smile. 

“I have a youtube channel! Hyung, maybe you could help me with the arrangements.” Seungkwan said.

“I’m currently the lead in a play, I expect you to be there.” Seokmin said. 

Jihoon looked at his friends and couldn’t find the word he was feeling to describe his emotions. He was thankful and touched, that despite everything he did, his friends we treating him just the way they did before everything that’s happened. He couldn’t help but shed a few tears. 

When Seokmin saw Jihoon crying, he ran and hug the other, while the rest of their friends assured him that all is forgiven.

** Soonyoung’s Instagram Post **

** WONWOO **

Wonwoo woke up without Soonyoung beside him. It was mid afternoon and he was hungry. He saw his best friend already showered and getting ready to go out. 

“Where are you going?”

“Wonu, I’m feeling better. I want to go to Rowoon.”

“Why?” Wonwoo asked as he got off the bed. 

“Because I can’t just leave things the way they are. I’m still going to ask for space, but I want to do it properly. I just walked out on him. I can’t do that to him.”

“Soons, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Wonu, do you want to go on vacation with me? Do you have classes?” Soonyoung asked.

“My last class is tomorrow. Then we’re on break. Where are we going?”

“Can you ditch that? Let’s go tomorrow morning. Anywhere, beach?”

“Yes, okay. Should I make the arrangement?” Wonwoo asked. 

“No, I’ll do it. Just be ready to leave tomorrow morning.” 

“You’re still heading to Rowoon’s?”

“Yes.” Soonyoung said as he gathered his things to meet Rowoon. He pleaded withWonwoo thru his eyes. He couldn’t just leave the way he did, with Rowoon begging just to talk and he just walked away. He was better than that. He was just exhausted. Now that his mind is bit clearer, he wanted to make things right, and to make Rowoon understand just how much he needs space. 

“Okay, be safe and text me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Jeonghan Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jeonghan was shocked. Joshua was staring at the floor trying to stop his tears. Seokmin and Seungkwan were openly crying.

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon asked, alarmed with the way his friends were reacting to the song. He let them listen to a demo of a song he had been writing since he witnessed Soonyoung suffer an attack. He wanted to hug Soonyoung and comfort him, but he knew he wasn’t that person anymore who can do that. He was the one that caused his pain. So, he did the next best thing he knew, he wrote a song.

“It’s beautiful, Jihoon-ah.” Joshua said.

“Is this for Soonyoung hyung?” Seungkwan asked. 

Jihoon stole a glance at Jeonghan before nodding.

“I know I don’t have the right to be anything to Soonyoung. I caused this. All his pain is because of me, and it kills me that I can’t do anything about it. I want to hug him, or wipe his tears away, or just buy him ice cream, but I can’t do that anymore. This is the only thing I can do for the one person I love most in the world, who happen to be also the one person I hurt the most.” Jihoon said as he tried to stop himself from crying. He rubbed his eyes to stop the tears, but it was too much.

“It’s beautiful, Jihoon.” Jeonghan finally said and hugged Jihoon. “We don’t know what’s going on with you two, and I may have overreacted when I told you to stay away. It wasn’t my place to say that. But everything will be okay. Soonyoung, would love this. I know how much he loved your songs.”

“I don’t know. But for now do you guys want to record it?” Jihoon asked, eyes still a bit teary. 

“For real?” Seungkwan asked. 

“Yes, I was thinking we can upload it to soundcloud and your youtube channel. Just put it out there. I already have the arrangement.” Jihoon said, immediately going into business mode. 

He divided the parts and started the gruelling process of recording. Jihoon immersed himself into the process, completely forgetting about the day’s concern for a while. 

**Rowoon’s Instagram Post**

**ROWOON**

Rowoon spent the day just lying in bed staring at the ceiling. He didn’t realize how much time had past. He just kept staring at the ceiling, thinking how he would go on knowing he messed up one of the good things in his life. Rowoon knew it was something that he needed to give Soonyoung. He just needed to endure it. 

He tried to stop crying but the tears just kept falling, staining his cheeks. 

He was startled when someone suddenly wiped his tears away. When he saw Soonyoung on the bed, he immediately pulled to boy into a hug and cried even harder. Soonyoung just held Rowoon tighter. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”Soonyoung said. His heart break seeing Rowoon cry. 

“No, I’m sorry. Wonwoo’s right. If you need the space, then I should step backwards. Your need comes first, Soonie. I’m sorry if I was insistent earlier. I don’t want to lose you, but I am losing you.” Soonyoung kissed Rowoon’s tear stained cheeks. He didn’t know what to do to ever deserve someone like Rowoon.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, for walking away just like that earlier. I’m sorry, Ruru. I’m sorry about this mess with Jihoon. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t control what I feel. I can’t stop my mind from thinking.” Soonyoung said close to crying. Soonyoung leaned closer to Rowoon, foreheads touching, Rowoon could feel Soonyoung tears fall. 

“I know, baby. I know. What you feel about Jihoon, you don’t need to explain it. I know it’s complicated. I understand. Don’t force yourself for things that you aren’t ready yet. All I ask is for you to also think of me, even from time to time. I know you have a lot to sort out, I’m willing to wait. I will wait.” 

“Are you sure?” Soonyoung asked. “Because this whole thing, it’s unfair to you. I don’t—“

“Don’t think about that. Don’t pressure yourself into making decisions just because of me.When I said think of me from time to time, I meant don’t ever think that you’re alone. I’m always here for you. No matter what. But don’t make decisions just because you feel guilty for me. I want you to focus on yourself, okay?”Rowoon explained. He will let go of Soonyoung if he had to. If Soonyoung needed it, then it’s his role to provide it. That’s how much he loves the other boy. 

“Thank you. Thank you, love.” Soonyoung said. 

“I think I’ll head out to Japan first and then for New York. My dad actually wanted me to step in for him, but I didn’t want to leave things this way. You do what you have to, and I’ll do my best for the business.” 

“I’m going on vacation with Wonu. Maybe somewhere warm? I don’t know yet. I’ll decide later.” Soonyoung said. 

“Can you do me a favor then?”

“Anything, Ruru.”

“Anything?” Rowoon smiled mischievously and began tickling Soonyoung.

“Stop!” But Rowoon continued tickling the other loving the sound of Soonyoung’s laughter. He stopped when they heard a fart sound. Rowoon laughed at Soonyoung.

“Did you fart?” Rowoon asked laughing. He acted scandalized just to tease Soonyoung further.

“It’s not funny! You— you—!” Rowoon didn’t let Soonyoung finish and just gave him a soft peck on the lips. 

“Wait here.”

Rowoon went to his home office and came back with an envelope. 

“What’s this?”

“This was suppose to be your birthday present. These are vacation tickets and hotel reservations for both of us. I want you and Wonwoo to use it.”

“No.”

“You just said you’d do anything.” 

“Not that though! I’ll pay for my own vacation!”

“Then that wouldn’t be a gift anymore!”

“No!”

“You’re leaving me and you can’t grant this one simple request.” Rowoon saw how Soonyoung’s face changed. He really needed to think twice before speaking. Soonyoung wasn’t leaving him for fun, it was for his mental health and he was being careless with his comments. He knew Soonyoung was feeling guilty for leaving. But he shouldn’t be, it was for his sake, and Rowoon understood that. 

“Shit! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. Here, slap me.” Rowoon grabbed Soonyoung’s hand and pretended to slap himself with it, when he saw Soonyoung’s lips tremble.

“Sh*t! I’m so sorry. Baby, I didn’t mean it the way that it sounded. I’m sorry.” Rowoon pulled Soonyoung closer. 

“Listen to me, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I understand why you have to leave. I’m scared to live without you, but I will get through it. If it’s for you, I can do anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, of course. I may be stupid and say stupid things, but I love you. That’s why what matters to me is you.” 

“Yes, you are stupid. I love you too. I’m sorry—“

“Stop apologizing and please accept this. Give me a chance to take care of my baby for one last time. Please, Soonie. At least let me do something for your birthday, please.” Rowoon pouted. He knew Soonyoung could never say no to his pout. 

“Stupid.”

“Please...”

“Yes, stupid. I’ll tell Wonwoo.” Soonyoung said as he texted Wonwoo the plan. 

🔞

“Thank you. Then in return can you give this stupid person a kiss please and maybe a bit of loving before you take my most precious baby away from me.” Rowoon joked as he rub his face on Soonyoung’s neck and grab his behind suggestively. 

“Yah! You only love me for my body!” Soonyoung said as Rowoon moved on top of him. 

“Yup, definitely, especially this sinful lips and this ass. I’m going to terribly miss you.” Rowoon said as he grab Soonyoung’s rear and kissed him on the lips.

“Me too. But I really need this.” Soonyoung said in between kisses. He moaned when Rowoon grinded his half hard length against him.

“I know.” Rowoon said as he deepened the kiss, savoring Soonyoung’s every breath as if it was the very air that he needed to live. He slowly traced Soonyoung’s arms with his hand and guided both above Soonyoung’s head, pinning both with a single hand. 

He left open mouth kisses along Soonyoung’s jaw and neck. Rowoon swtiched between light kisses and a little bit of tongue, then he’d blow on the area making Soonyoung squirm from the sensation. When Rowoon slightly let his teeth graze along the jugular and then softly bit the spot near the nape where the neck meets the shoulder, Soonyoung bit back a moan but lengthens and exposed his neck for easier access. 

Rowoon’s other hand then found its way tothe helm of Soonyoung’s shirt. He hesitated for a bit, rubbing his thumb at the expose skin of Soonyoung’s waist.

“Ruru, please..” Soonyoung whimpered. 

That was all the invitation that he needed, before he let his thigh graze over Soonyoung’s clothed member, while his hand traced Soonyoung’s abs until he reached his chest. He lightly brushed his fingers on Soonyoung’s rib cage and the side ofhis chest, but completely avoiding Soonyoung’s buds, letting the sensation build up first. Soonyoung savored every touch. Rowoon traced the side of Soonyoung’s nipples, until Soonyoung could no longer tolerate the lack of direct stimulation.

“Ruru, I need to.. i want to touch you..” Soonyoung begged. Rowoon let go of Soonyoung’s wrist and the latter immediately tug at Rowoon’s shirt. 

Rowoon got the hint and quickly took of his shirt, while Soonyoung peeled off his quickly. He then pulled Rowoon for another kiss, this time the kiss was a little more demanding and desperate, teeth clashing and tongues a bit more aggressive. Soonyoung moaned in Rowoon’s mouth he presses his knee on Soonyoung’s groin, while Rowoon’s hands finally found it’s way to Soonyoung buds, rubbing with the pads of his fingers then flicking and pinching them, making Soonyoung squirm from pleasure. 

Soonyoung raked his both his hands through Rowoon’s hair, pulling him closer. 

Soonyoung spread his leg inviting Rowoon  to moved in between his legs. Rowoon’s hands roamed Soonyoung’s body leaving a hot trail behind making Soonyoung pant in impatience, while his lips wandered all over his body, covering and tasting eveything with his lips and tongue.

Rowoon’s lips kissed every part of Soonyoung, his eyebrows, his eyelids, his fingers, his navel, and even his inner thighs. He pour all of his love to every touch and every kiss. He wanted the other to feel just how much he cherished the other. 

🟢

They spent the spent the night savoring each other’s closeness, inhaling every breathe and trying to memorize each other’s body. Rowoon wanted Soonyoung to feel value, and adored. Soonyoung felt undervalued, and that he wasn’t worthy of anything, Rowoon wanted to eradicate that thought from Soonyoung’s mind. He wanted Soonyoung to feel just how much he loves him, maybe then at the end the road, when the everything becomes clear, Soonyoung would find his way back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: 
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee 
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please steam: Home;run


	49. Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Joshua’s Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

It was already very late when they finished the recording. There were adjustments to be made, but they were minors. He can do it on his own. 

“Come on Jihoon-ah. Let’s go grab dinner.” Jeonghan said to Jihoon.

“Me?”

“Is there another Jihoon in the room?” Seokmin asked as he pulled Jihoon away from his computer.

“Come on! I’m hungry.” Seungkwan said as he helped Seokmin pulled Jihoon out of the studio. 

They went to a nearby barbecue place. Jihoon watched as they others prepared to eat, Joshua and Jeonghan whispering to each other, while Seokmin and Seungkwan played while grilling the meat. He watched contented as his friends enjoyed their meal and the company. 

“Oh, Wonwoo hyung just asked me to watch their apartment for a while.” Seokmin said. 

“Are they leaving today?” Jeonghan asked.

“I think tomorrow morning. Rowoon hyung apparently made all the arrangements.” Seungkwan explained.

“Oh, they’re leaving for two weeks. Soonyoung needed to get away.” Joshua explained when he saw Jihoon confused. 

“Oh.” Jihoon said. He guessed they were okay now. “Excuse me.” Jihoon said and went the comfort room. He took shelter in one of the cubicles, where he stared at the floor as unwanted tears fell down. He didn’t know why he was crying. 

“Ji?” Jeonghan softly asked. “Hey, are you in there?”

“Yeah, I’m almost done.” Jihoon said trying hard to hide the tremble his voice. When he opened the door, Jeonghan was waiting with open arms. He went straight to the older boy for hug where he cried his eyes out.

“I’m sorry hyung. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Come on, let’s go back and talk.” They walked towards their group of friends who went quiet when they approached. 

“Is this about Soonyoung?” Jeonghan asked as they both sat back down. 

“I know it didn’t seem like much but everything in my life is about Soonyoung. I may have been the one who left, but I wasn’t the one who moved on.” Jihoon said. 

“I noticed that.” Joshua said, while the rest of their friends looked at him. “Well, his studio is still full of Soonyoung’s stuff.”

Jihoon just kept quiet, while the rest of their friends looked at Joshua in confusion. So, Joshua continued:

“The elephant? The bear bricks? Some of the marvel figurines? The blanket at the side? Jihoon’s indoor slipper? Even the old keyboard is still there and the pink led light?” 

“Oh, are those from Soonyoung hyung?” Seungkwan asked.

“Most of them gifts. The elephant they won in a game, right?” Jeonghan asked.

“Yes.” Jihoon quietly answered. “I tried forgetting him, but I can’t. I have hundred of songs for you guys to sing. Songs that I don’t feel like selling because they’re for him. I know I have to move on. I know Rowoon’s there and he’s a much better at taking care of Soonyoung than I’ll ever be. But my heart could stop but hope for a bit of chance, even though I know I don’t deserve it. Even though I know that he’ll probably hate me once he remembers what happened.”

Jihoon quietly sobbed while his friends teared up a little. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—“

“It’s okay hyung.” Seokmin said with a smile.

“Then can you answer me, honestly.” Jeonghan asked. “Do you have plans of getting Soonyoung back?”

“When I arrived here, no. I just wanted to check if he’s okay, maybe ask for forgiveness.”

“But now?” Seungkwan asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I deserve that. I just want what’s best for him.” Jihoon said.

“Don’t you want to move on? Date a little?” Seungkwan asked.

“Yah! You’re not listening! How could he do that when he’s still in love with Soonyoung hyung?” Seokmin asked.

“Soonyoung hyung is with Rowoon hyung.” Seungkwan answered.

“No, he’s not!” Seokmin answered.

“That’s enough!” Jeonghan intervened. 

“I gotto head back to the studio.” Jihoon said. “Thank you for today. Thank you for giving me another chance to be in you lives. Can we do this again? Please?”

Joshua was the first one to stand up and gave Jihoon a hug. 

“Of course, as long as I don’t have classes. I’ll be there.”

The rest of them stood up and gave Jihoon a hug, who went back to the studio to work some more. 

**Joshua’s Instagram Post**

**Rowoon’s Instagram Post**

**Fan’s Twitter Post**

**ROWOON**

Rowoon woke up to a sleeping Soonyoung. He was sleeping so soundly he almost didn’t want to let him go, but he needed to leave for his flight.

“Baby, wake up. It’s already 4 am.” Rowoon left light kisses all over Soonyoung

“Hello.” 

“Come on, your flight is in 3 hours and you still need to pack. Is it okay if I go send you off at the airport? Please.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ruru.” Soonyoung was hit with longingness that he grabbed Rowoon into a tight hug. It was really happening, he thought. They were letting go. He lost Rowoon, because he couldn’t be brave enough to fight through his hazy memory. 

Rowoon returned the hug, when he moved to let go Soonyoung kissed him with so much desperation. He returned the kiss with as much intensity as he could, opening his mouth in invitation while their tongues meet for an early morning dance. He kept up with Soonyoung’s pace until the latter slowed down, bringing the kiss to one that’s slow and lazy, a slow acceptance of what’s to come. Rowoon savored the feeling knowing that it could be the last time that he’ll feel Soonyoung that close. He tasted love, longing mixed with both their tears. 

“I love you. My heart is always open, you can return any time you want. All I ask is that you focus on yourself, on getting better, and being happy. Whatever your decision, make sure that you made it because it’ll make you happy. Don’t think about anyone else’s feeling, don’t think about Jihoon, Wonwoo, and mine. Prioritize yours, do understand?” Rowoon said as he gently cradled Soonyoung’s face. 

“Yes.” Soonyoung sobbed.

“Say that you promise.”

“I— I promise.” Soonyoung whispered.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Rowoon drove Soonyoung home. Rowoon noticed that Soonyoung stayed on his seat, refusing to move.

He reached out and cradled Soonyoung’s face in both his hands and leaned in for soft peck. Soonyoung was already crying. 

Rowoon held back his tears, refusing to make things any more harder for Soonyoung. 

“It’s going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Kwon Soonyoung.” 

“I love you.” Soonyoung hugged him for the last time before rushing out of the car. He stopped by the entrance of their building waiting for Rowoon to leave. So, Rowoon started the car and drove off. When he was no longer in view of the apartment, he pulled over by the side of the road and sobbed silently. He hugged himself to keep from falling apart. He braced himself for the days to come, days without Soonyoung, days without light and life itself.

** Soonyoung’s Instagram Post **

****

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo already packed for both of them. He was excited to get away from everything. He contemplated whether to text Mingyu or not, but decided not to since they’ve already broken up.  
  
It was already around 4 in the morning when Soonyoung came in crying.  
  
“Hey, hey. Come here.” Soonyoung embraced Wonwoo tightly and cried on his chest. “We’re going to be okay. Both of us will be fine, as long as we’re together you and me.” He held his sobbing friend as tightly as he could and couldn’t help but cry for both of their lost love.

**Soonyoung’s Instagram Post During Vacation**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo watched as his best friend lounge near the private pool in their room as he warches the stars float above the glistening sea. It was a perfect picture, and he didn’t want to disturb it, but they needed to talk. Soonyoung had been energetic through out the whole vacation, jumping from one activity to the next. But he also needed to think about what’s bothering him before they left.  
  
“Hey, let’s talk.”  
  
“Is this finally the talk?” Soonyoung joked as Wonwoo cuddled him from behind on the lounge chair.  
  
“Talk to me Soonie. You pushed us into almost every activity that we can do here but I know there’s something bothering you.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“Everything’s fine.” Soonyoung insisted.  
  
“Kwon Soonyoung, you made me ride a horse, a banana boat and a jet ski. We went parasailing and you made me rappel down a rope just to take a picture of natural light coming in a cave. We went snorkeling, kayaking, and fly-boarding. I almost died surfing! of course something’s bothering you, so spill.” Wonwoo firmly said.  
  
“Okay, fine. I thought about what you said.”  
  
“I said a lot of things, you have to be more specific than that.” Wonwoo answered.  
  
“Well, about the psychotherapy.” Wonwoo waited for Soonyoung to continue. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should go.”  
  
“Don’t do it for anyone’s sake Soonyoung. Make the choice for yourself.”  
  
“I am. I’m tired of being scared. I’m scared all the time of the what ifs. Everytime I dream of these images, I always wake up disoriented and the feelings I felt in the dreams, I bring it with me when I wake up. It scares me because some of those feelings, well they want me to do things that would be harmful to myself.”  
  
Wonwoo hugged Soonyoung tighter, but stayed silent.  
  
“What if I remember the things that made me want to do that and I end up on the same road? That’s what scares me. Because I may be living this half life, but it’s not so bad.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Are you happy?” Wonwoo finally asked.  
  
“I don’t know. Things are definitely better today, I can assure you that. But I feel like we’ve been living in this glass house. We’ve cautious with our movements, well you guys are too cautious around me, with what to say. I know you archived some posts in your instagram and I know our friends also did. I know you blocked Jihoon in my accounts. I know you monitored my social media.”  
  
“Soons, I’m sorry—“ Wonwoo said getting up and making Soonyoung face him.  
  
“It’s okay. I know you guys did it for my sake. But I’m tired of living this way. Maybe it’s time to face the truth? Face reality? Because all this time I feel like I’ve been living a half life.”  
  
Wonwoo hugged Soonyoung even tighter.  
  
“I didn’t know you felt that way. I just wanted you to be happy Soons.”  
  
“I know that. I’m scared, don’t leave me okay?”  
  
“It’s you and me against the world. If this is your decision, then I’ll be there beside you.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“What about Jihoon?”  
  
“I don’t know. For now, I want to keep my promise to Rowoon which is to focus on myself. Jihoon can wait.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“What?” Soonyoung said a little bit annoyed at the face that Wonwoo was making.  
  
“Nothing!” Wonwoo insisted.  
  
“Jihoon is just a friend.”  
  
“You don’t have to lie to me.”  
  
“I told you I’m drawn to him, but as I can’t remember the past I’m not going to make any actions that will compromise what I have in the present, or what I had.” Soonyoung said tearing up, remembering that he already somewhat lost Rowoon.  
  
“Aigoo. No crying on vacation. Come on, let’s walk on the beach.”  
  
They spent the rest of the day lounging in the pool and then they enjoyed the sunset by the beach.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run 
> 
> *Sorry I can't reply to the comments here. :( I'm juggling transferring this AU here and writing a new one and of course streaming. But if you have questions please feel free to dm me on my twitter account or if you just want to rant my curiouscat is always open. :)
> 
> Update for this AU will be a lot faster. I've been using my phone, and then I realized everything is on the cloud and I can use my laptop which made things a lot easier.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	50. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

The comeback date for Pledis’ new group was finally set. The members were finally picked, most of them from both Jihoon’s and Soonyoung’s recommendation. The music was also finalized. Four out of the eights songs for their mini album were written by Jihoon. But now they start the even more difficult part of the process, the recording and practicing for the choreography. They have three months to finish them all. With Soonyoung on vacation, Jun was the one who attended the meetings for the choreography, which he would later relay to Soonyoung.  
  
Soonyoung had been gone for almost two weeks. Soonyoung hadn’t once contacted Jihoon, and vice versa. Jihoon didn’t want to distract the other from his rest.  
  
Jihoon was startled when he heard a soft knock. He spent the night at the studio making finishing touches on the group’s instrumentals, and it was too early in the morning for people to be at the company.  
  
“Uh, come in?”  
  
He was surprised when Soonyoung came inside looking like he just woke up.  
  
“Hey, I saw you instagram post so I decided to just go straight here from the airport.” Soonyoung said as he took a sit on the couch.  
  
“I need to hear your lyrical explanation of song 1 and song 2. Jun already have a draft for both songs, but it still isn’t complete and from the videos he sent me it wasn’t meaningful enough.” Soonyoung explained further while Jihoon sat open mouth not quite believing that Soonyoung was in front of him.  
  
“Earth to Jihoon?”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry. I— okay.”  
  
“Hey if you’re tired, we can talk later.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“No, it’s okay. I just thought you were still on vacation. That’s all.”  
  
“Oh, just got back. Came straight here from the airport since we really need to finalize the choreography by the end of this week.” Soonyoung explained, while Jihoon just continued to stare at the other boy.  
  
“Jihoon?”  
  
“Oh, sorry. Right. Song 1 and 2?” Jihoon finally said. He spent the next hour explaining each song to Soonyoung, trying his best not to notice how Soonyoung looked a cuter with his light tan or his redder cheeks, how Soonyoung’s eyes crinkle when he smiled over a particular line that he likes, or when he pouts over explanations that he doesn’t agree to. But except for a few times that Soonyoung caught Jihoon staring, he was pretty much successful on hiding just how much he was in awe with Soonyoung’s presence.  
  
They finished their meeting at around 9 in the morning with Jihoon already half asleep on the computer chair. So, Soonyoung guided him to the couch where he immediately fell asleep.  
  
 **  
**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung laid a blanket over Jihoon who must have been exhausted that he almost fell asleep in the middle of the discussion. He looked at the way the other slept and couldn’t help but brush the hair that were covering his eyes.  
  
He looked around the studio and noticed a few additions to the place. He saw that Jihoon put up a few decorations like the cute elephant stuff toy that the latter was currently clinging on to. Even with the new additions, the room felt even more familiar to Soonyoung.  
  
He stared at Jihoon’s sleeping face. It was very familiar to him. He knew he grew up with that face but everything is still hazy. He brushed Jihoon’s cheek one last time before standing up.  
  
He went to Jihoon’s computer, contemplating whether to shut it down or not. He opted on just minimizing the windows and maybe turn off the monitor so that Jihoon could sleep more peacefully. When he minimized the program windows, he was greeted by Jihoon’s wallpaper. It was an old picture of both of them, Soonyoung was hugging Jihoon. Both of them were smiling at the camera. They looked happy, he thought. It was a glimpse of how they were in the past. Soonyoung’s heart ached for Jihoon, who clearly still hadn’t move on from what they had before. It was becoming clearer, that whatever they had, it wasn’t just a passing friendship. Soonyoung wished he could remember all, especially the happy memories. But he was scared, because along with the happy memories were flashes of memories that seemed painful, that it often left him wanting to just end everything. **  
  
**

****

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo shut his phone off and completely went off the grid. Soonyoung however kept on posting photos for his followers. Wonwoo, however, had no followers to update so he turned off his phone.  
  
When he finally turned on his phone, he was greeted with several messages from friends. He checked his instagram and liked all of Soonyoung’s post of their vacation. But one post however just brought him back to reality that he successfully forgot during vacation, Mingyu’s no longer his to keep.

**Mingyu's Instagram Post**

  
  
Wonwoo just noticed how Mingyu deleted all their photos together. He even changed his display picture, bio, and username. It used to be ‘wonwonwon.’ They made it as a joke and Mingyu just kept it. Now it just says, k.mingoo. Wonwoo was the one who initiated the break up, but he was the one still hung up on Mingyu, while the other had clearly moved on.  
  


**Jeonghan to Groupchat without Soonyoung**

**Jihoon to Jeonghan**

**Group chat** **: Jeonghan to Minghao // Jun // Wonwoo // Chan**

**JIHOON**

**J** ihoon woke up in his studio alone. It was already late in the afternoon. He looked around for Soonyoung, but the other must have left. He beat himself up for falling asleep. If he didn’t then he could have spent more time with Soonyoung.  
  
He saw post it stuck on a glass of water. It was a note from Soonyoung.  


“Drink me. I left already. I’m heading to the studio because I have lots of work to finish. Drop by or not if you want to see the progress of the choreo.” -Soonyoung  
  
Jihoon immediately took his phone and prepared to head to Soonyoung’s studio. He brushed his teeth and was about the go out when he caught a glance of himself in the mirror. He was a mess. So, he decided to take a shower. He didn’t know why was so nervous. It was just work, but he felt like he was going on a date for the first time.  
  


**SOONYOUNG/JIHOON**

Soonyoung was done with the new group’s choreography. He just needed to polish it but for that he needed Jun, who choreographed some parts. He was exhausted but he still had a thousand things to do before he calls it a day. He had fifteen minutes before night classes starts so he was trying to quickly come up of ideas for the choreography of a new song for a performance by two idols, when he noticed someone staring at him, he almost jumped in alarm.  
  
“Yah! You scared me!” Soonyoung yelled. Jihoon had let himself in without saying anything. “How long have you been there?”  
  
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked like you were in the zone.”  
  
“I’m not. I’m stuck.” Soonyoung said still panting from dancing too much.  
  
“Take a break?” Jihoon asked and offered a bottle of water he bought from the nearby convenient store.  
  
“Uh-“  
  
“I’m sorry. I don’t know—“ Jihoon interrupted when he noticed Soonyoung frowned.  
  
“Sorry for? It’s just that I still have around 15 minutes before classes. There’s this duet dance in the middle of the performance for the main dancers of the groups and I’m stuck.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Is this for the new group?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Nope, this is for a concert performance. Specifically for Kai and Krystal’s duet dance. It’s supposed to be sexy and sensual. I need to submit the final version tomorrow, but I’m so stuck.” Jihoon explained.  
  
“Want help?”  
  
“Hmmm... Okay, can you stand in front of me then? Just follow what I do.” Soonyoung asked.  
  
Jihoon meant help in ideas not in the actual dancing. But he was too scared to tell Soonyoung that. Jihoon tried to follow Soonyoung’s movement while he faced him. When Soonyoung raised his hand, palms facing Jihoon, he also raised his left hand. Their palms separated by a small space.  
  
“Move a little closer.” Soonyoung said. Jihoon stepped forward a little, but Soonyoung wasn’t satisfied with the distance that he grabbed Jihoon’s shirt and him closer. Jihoon stumbled a little into Soonyoung, who caught him from falling.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Jihoon said. He blushed when he realized his hands were on Soonyoung’s chest so he quickly went back to his original position.  
  
“Okay, just follow me.” Soonyoung said.

  
Jihoon tried to follow Soonyoung’s steps, but it required a lot of intimacy, that he kept missing the steps whenever Soonyoung gets too close.  
  
Soonyoung held on to his waist and pulled him closer. The choreo required Jihoon to wrap one leg around Soonyoung, as the latter traced with his other hand Jihoon’s leg and leaned closer, with forehead’s touching. Then Jihoon would push him away but Soonyoung would pull him close back again into a back hug. Then after a few steps where they separate, they go back to each other again in what’s supposed to be a passionate embrace, with their foreheads pressed together, lips ghosts over each other’s lips.  
  
Soonyoung tight hold on his waist was making Jihoon dizzy. Their bodies were touching and Jihoon could feel Soonyoung ragged breath on his skin. Their closeness allowed Jihoon to watch as slick of sweat glides down Soonyoung’s skin. He wanted to reach out and taste it as it caresses Soonyoung. He wanted to taste the other, all of him. He blushed from the thought and forgot the next step.  
  
“Ouch!” Soonyoung yelp when Jihoon accidentally stepped on his foot.  
  
“I’m sorry!” Jihoon cried when he saw Soonyoung hopping around on one foot.  
  
“Yah, Lee Jihoon!” Soonyoung pretended to be angry but took it back immediately when he saw Jihoon’s worried face.  
  
“Hey, I was just joking. It didn’t hurt that bad.” Soonyoung explained and went to Jihoon. Jihoon’s worried face was instantly transformed to a cold expression.  
  
“Don’t joke around.” Jihoon said with a straight face and prepared to leave the practice room. He was already by the door when Soonyoung caught up to him and grabbed his wrist to stop him.  
  
“Why do you have your panties in a twist?” Soonyoung asked. He pulled Jihoon to sit on the floor and sat beside him. Soonyoung grabbed a water bottle  
and started drinking, some of the water dripping down his neck. Jihoon closed his eyes and clenched his fist. He noticed how Soonyoung panted as he tried catch his breath. He wanted to lick the water off Soonyoung’s skin and make Soonyoung pant some more. He mentally slapped himself when he realized where his thoughts were leading him.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m just tired.”  
  
“We’re all tired. I just came from a vacation and I’m already exhausted.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Well, you just choreographed two dances in day. How is that even possible?” Jihoon asked, still crimson red from his earlier thoughts.  
  
“They weren’t full dances. Jun just wanted me to add my touches to one of your songs. I made some changes, you want to see?” Soonyoung excitedly asked, but Jihoon noticed that Soonyoung could hardly breath from exhaustion. Plus, his heart could not take any more so he refused.  
  
“Maybe next time? What about the other song?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Oh this a just a minute dance for SM Town. It’s supposed to be a sexy performance, a lot of push and pull since the couple in the dance don’t really know yet what they feel for each other.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“I’m glad that even big agencies are now hiring your studio for their stuff.”  
  
“Yeah, more work means more recognition. But Chanie’s going to debut so we might need to look for another person to replace him.” Soonyoung explained. “Minghao already inteviewed a few people. I don’t know. Anyways, if you’re not here to see the choreography for the new group, why are you here then?”  
  
“I was here for that but I think you need rest. Want to grab dinner?” Jihoon asked while fidgeting with his hands.  
  
“Oh, I—“  
  
“It’s okay if you already have plans.”  
  
“It’s just that I still have classes. I’ll probably end late so..” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Oh, okay. I understand. I better go.” Jihoon started moving, but before he went out the door he gave Soonyoung an awkward hug and said: “I’m glad you’re back.”  
  
Soonyoung just watched as the other boy leave. He wanted to go to dinner since his mind is at a much better place after getting away for a few days. But he needed to make sure that he was strong enough to resist the temptation of just smothering Lee Jihoon. **  
  
**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon went back to the company after dropping by Soonyoung’s dance studio. He didn’t really have anywhere else to go but his studio or anything else to do but work. **  
  
**

**Jihoon to Jeonghan**

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

****

It was already midnight when he decided to call it a night. He texted Jeonghan hoping that he’d give him something to do. **  
  
  
**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung wanted to go. But he had a previous engagement in the morning that he needed to attend to. He fell asleep thinking about Jihoon.  
  
Wonwoo woke him up in a middle of a dream. He was falling and screaming as he fell.  
  
“Hey! Are you okay?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
Soonyoung was soaked in sweat and tears. But he didn’t want to worry Wonwoo so he went straight to the bathroom.  
  
“Yes, I’m okay.” Soonyoung prepared to go out. He had a scheduled visit with his doctor and it was making him jumpy. Plus, the feeling from the dream also stayed with him.  
  
They drove to the hospital in silence.  
  
“Wonu, you can go ahead. I’ll just take a cab to the studio afterwards.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“No, I’m going with you.”  
  
“I’m fine. It’s going to be fine. Doc Haneul will just explain how it works. It’s not like we’re going to do it now. Please, I can take care of myself.” Soonyoung said as he got out of the car, leaving Wonwoo behind.  
  
Soonyoung went straight to his doctor’s office, where Haneul, his doctor was already waiting for him.  
  
“I want to do it.” Soonyoung blurted as he sat down on the couch.  
  
“Excuse me?” Haneul asked confused.  
  
“I want to recover my memories. The ones that I can’t remember.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Last time you were here you said you wanted to just let it happen naturally, what made you change your mind?” Haneul asked.  
  
“Well, last last week I tried to— I tried to hurt myself. I also broke up with my boyfriend. I keep having these dreams. I can’t take it anymore.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Okay, let’s calm down first okay? Start from the beginning. What happened?”  
  
So, Soonyoung spilled everything that happened. He told Heneul about his dreams and about Jihoon, how he sort of cheated on Rowoon when he felt something for Jihoon. Then, how he broke up with Rowoon to keep himself from hurting him more. He told the doctor everything and even showed him his dump account. He was crying when he finished.  
  
“Thank you, for telling me Soonyoung.” Haneul said. “I think instead of meeting once every month, we should go back to our regular schedule of once a week. What do you think?”  
  
“No, I don’t want to. I’m all better!”  
  
“Of course you are, but clearly there’s a lot of things that’s bothering you and this is a safe place where you can unload those burdens. I’m not forcing you, the decision is still yours, okay?” Haneul explained.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“Before we decide on our next course of action, why don’t you take time to step back for a moment and really think if this what you want?”  
  
“I thought about it already.” Soonyoung insisted.  
  
“I know, but last time you were here you were adamant about letting your own mind work on its own pace. So, why don’t we give it another day? Come back tomorrow if you still feel the same way.” Haneul insisted.  
  
“I’ll have to move around my schedule, but okay. “  
  
“Soonyoung, the solution is not a quick one. One session doesn’t meant that you’ll automatically remember everything. It is still a process, and there’s no guarantee that it’ll work. So, please don’t expect too much okay? I’ll explain more tomorrow.” Haneul said as Soonyoung prepared to leave.  
  
“Thank you. I just want to try. I want to be brave.” Soonyoung answered.  
  
“You have been brave Soonyoung. You’re still here, that makes you brave. To open your eyes to the uncertainties of life, that’s being brave.”  
  
“Thank you, Doc Haneul.”  
  
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo knew that when Soonyoung was in that kind of mood, he shouldn’t be left alone. So, he parked the car despite Soonyoung’s insistence of him leaving. Besides, they weren’t sure how Soonyoung would react to the therapy so it’ll be better if he was there, just in case.  
  
He nervously waited outside the doctor’s office. When Soonyoung came out, Wonwoo immediately ran to his best friend.  
  
“Well?”  
  
“What are you doing here? I told you I’ll be fine.”  
  
“I know that Soons. But I’m the one who’s not fine. I just can’t leave!”  
  
“Aigoo. Fine fine. Doc wants me to think about it some more. He’s also going to explain everything tomorrow, the process. I also need to come on at least once a week.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Okay, we’ll do just that.”  
  
“No, I want—“  
  
“You’re stuck with me Kwon. Stop pushing me away. Come on, I’m starving.” Wonwoo said as he pulled Soonyoung towards the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> *Sorry I can't reply to the comments here. :( I'm juggling transferring this AU here and writing a new one and of course streaming. But if you have questions please feel free to dm me on my twitter account or if you just want to rant my curiouscat is always open. :)
> 
> Update for this AU will be a lot faster. I've been using my phone, and then I realized everything is on the cloud and I can use my laptop which made things a lot easier.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	51. A Birthday Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

****

**JIHOON**

Jihoon was busy the whole morning with recordings. The boys were good. They really deserve to debut. Chan was also doing great as the leader. Currently, there were nine boys in the practice room. They were going to practice their vocals, and later in the afternoon Soonyoung will take over.  
  
“Okay, since everyone is here, let’s follow the flow of the song for the recording. No need to worry, since this will just be a vocal guide for your dance practice later. I’ll give you 3 more days to practice before we hit the recording for real. Schedules will passed on to your manager and he’ll inform you.”  
  
The trainees were all sitting nervously spread through the big couch in the recording studio. It was supposed to be a quick process, since they were just going to record the vocal guide.

“Let’s start.”  
  
Jihoon spent the rest of the morning recording the new track. He had to yell to some of the trainees but everything went well in general.  
  
 **  
**

**SOONYOUNG**

After therapy and eating out with Wonwoo, he proceeded to Pledis where he was scheduled to teach the trainees the dance to their new song. When he arrived, everyone was in a somber mood.  
  
“Hey kids! What’s wrong?”  
  
“Lee Jihoon.” Chan said. He told Soonyoung how strict and scary Jihoon in the studio. He even yelled at some of the trainees even though they were doing their best.  
  
“Oh come on guys, you’re no longer trainees. You’re a group now. You’ll debut in a few months. He has every right to yell at you if you’re not doing it right. No excuses.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Jihoon is blunt and he will be harsh, not because he wants to. But because you need it. Not everything will be handed out to you in a silver platter, you have to work hard for it. So whatever you heard from our great producer, you guys probably needed to hear it.” Soonyoung said while the trainees looked guilty for overreacting.  
  
“Let’s start.”  
  
The trainees were closed to tears when Soonyoung was done with them. Soonyoung may be a sweet hyung and teacher, but now that they’re debuting, he became stricter. They had them repeat simple movements and wanted everything to be precisely executed with the same force, energy, and angle. The trainees were exhausted and they were only half way through the choreography.  
  
It was already 10 in the evening when Soonyoung called it a day. They have been dancing for almost 10 hours with a few breaks here and there.  
  
“Good job everyone!” Soonyoung said. The trainees were going out when Jihoon walked in.  
  
“Hey, I thought you weren’t going to let them go home. Aren’t you tired?” Jihoon asked as he watched Soonyoung wiped his sweat away.  
  
“Exhausted. I just want to lie down and sleep.”  
  
“Let’s eat first.”  
  
“Jihoon, I’m sorry but I’m really tired.”  
  
Soonyoung watched as a bit of hurt flashed on Jihoon’s face.  
  
“Oh okay. I’ll see you around. Bye.” Jihoon said as he walked away with shoulder haunched down in defeat.  
  
“I’ll go if you pay.” Soonyoung said which made Jihoon stopped walking.  
  
“I’m not an atm machine Soonyoung-ah.”  
  
“Okay, suit yourself.” Soonyoung pretended to leave but Jihoon grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him towards the studio.  
  
“Come on idiot.” Jihoon said which made the other laugh, and just like that the ice between them broke.  
  


**Jihoon's Instagram** **Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon didn’t really plan on spending the rest of the night with Soonyoung. But when he went to the practice room, he couldn’t help himself and invited the other to dinner. But since he didn’t have any plans, he just pulled the other towards his studio, but Soonyoung stopped him.  
  
“I’m not going in there at night.” Soonyoung declared.  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
“I’m not going to your studio. It’s weird.”  
  
“Why?” Jihoon confused as to what the other boy was talking about.  
  
Soonyoung sigh and said:  
  
“The last time we were in there, we almost made out!”  
  
“You were in there with me yesterday morning!” Jihoon countered.  
  
“Well, that’s when I realized that I can’t be in an enclosed space with you. It makes me feel weird things.”  
  
“Weird things?”  
  
“Just, you said you’ll pay for dinner so let’s go or I’m leaving.”  
  
“Fine.”  
  
“I’m not eating convinient store food.”  
  
“I know!”  
  
“Okay, I just want to make it clear.” Soonyoung said arms folded.  
  
They make their way out of the Pledis building, but since it was already in the middle of the night, the only one opened was the convinient store.  
  
“I really don’t want to eat something from—“  
  
“Come on, you should have just said yes to my lunch offer so I could have treated you to a better restaurant.” Jihoon said as he pulled Soonyoung towards the convinience store.  
  
“I couldn’t. I had a doctor’s appointment.”  
  
“Oh, is everything okay?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I’ll tell you later.”  
  
“So, there’s a later?”  
  
“Of course!”  
  
“Good then.” Jihoon smiled and started putting food in the basket.  
  
“Okay, Jihoon that’s too much food.”  
  
“Let’s just buy a lot, okay? I want to you to eat a lot. You’re looking skinny.”  
  
“But that’s not even healthy food!”  
  
“Tomorrow, I’ll buy you a lot of healthy food.” Jihoon said as he put different types of kimchi in the basket.  
  
“Okay Jihoon, that’s enough kimchi!”  
  
“But you like kimchi!”  
  
“I know! But stop!” Soonyoung laughed at Jihoon who kept getting tons of food. “Now you have to put them all back!”  
  
“Soonie, do you want ice cream?”  
  
Soonyoung was startled that Jihoon casually used the nickname, it made the butterflies in his stomach flutter more.  
  


“Uhm, sure. But that’s enough food. Come on.”  
  
After paying, they took a sit at a nearby children’s playground. It was a cold night. There were hardly any stars in the sky, but the moon kept them company. They took a sit on a bench with the tons of food in between both of them. Jihoon took off his coat and casually gave it to Soonyoung when he noticed the other rubbing his hands together.  
  
“Here.”  
  
“Thank you.” Soonyoung put on the coat and stared at the array of food in front of him.  
  
“Eat. Here.” Jihoon started serving Soonyoung different kinds of food. They ate their food in silence.  
  
“Are you still cold?” Jihoon asked when he noticed that Soonyoung’s nose was turning a bit red.  
  
“We should have stayed in the studio and ordered in.” He took off his scarf and wrapped Soonyoung’s neck with it.  
  
“I’m okay.” Soonyoung said. He noticed how Jihoon sat closer to him. He also noticed how Jihoon keeps looking at his watch.  
  
“Why are you so against the studio?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I told you.”  
  
“Yeah, it makes you feel weird things.” Jihoon laughed. “But seriously though, how are you?”  
  
“I’m okay. I feel better. I’m still not in the state where I can say I’m totally good. But I’m working on it.” Soonyoung said as he rubbed his hands together.  
  
Jihoon noticed and grabbed both of Soonyoung’s hands. He then blew on them, trying his best to keep the other boy warm.  
  
“You’re freezing. Stay here. Don’t go anywhere.” Jihoon stood up and ran back towards the convenience store. When he came back he was carrying a bag of heating pads.

  
“Here hold on to this. Hope this is enough to keep you warm.” Jihoon said as he placed the heating pads on Soonyoung’s hands. He then hesitated for a bit before asking:  
  
“Will you do me a favor?”  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“Close your eyes.” Jihoon requested.  
  
“No way!” Soonyoung yelled laughing. He looked at the other boy to check if he was serious.  
  
“Just close your eyes! Please! I’m not going to kiss you, don’t worry.” Jihoon teased.  
  
“I’m not worried about that!” Soonyoung insisted, but Jihoon was laughing.  
  
“Then close your eyes.” Jihoon insisted.  
  
Soonyoung sigh and closed his eyes. He then felt ear phones being put into his ears.  
  
“Don’t open them, okay? Listen to the song but don’t open your eyes. You may open them once the song ends.” Jihoon instructed and Soonyoung nodded.

> **THE SONG: Seventeen's Hug**
> 
> <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j69PEX9bzRY>
> 
> <https://open.spotify.com/track/5ZQFP6rsYhNaFuQNaoTzgV>

  
  
Jihoon played the song. Soonyoung immediately recognized Joshua’s voice starting the song. The melody was sad but at the same time hopeful and comforting. He recognized the rest his friends’ voices as they sang softly. His heart melted when he heard Jihoon’s voice. It was the sweetest thing that he ever heard. He thought hisheart recognized Jihoon’s voicd. When he listened to the lyrics, Soonyoung heart ached. It was an offer of comfort, a solace to his hurting heart.  
  
Soonyoung didn’t realize that his tears started falling, but they weren’t out of sorrow or fear. For the first time in years, he felt comforted. He felt his soul being engulf in the warmest of embrace. It felt like a sigh of contentment. It felt like coming home after a hard day’s of work. The song itself, felt like home.  
  
When the song was done, he opened his eyes and in front of him was Jihoon. He was carrying a cupcake with a candle in one hand and a sparkler on the other. But what took Soonyoung’s breathe away was Jihoon’s smile and eyes. He smiled like he was the happiest person in the whole world just to be standing in front of him. Jihoon’s eyes told him what he couldn’t say in words. It told him how much love Jihoon was holding back, scared that he might drive Soonyoung away. His eyes told him of a thousand sorry’s waiting to be spoken and even more i love you’s hidden waiting to be expressed.  
  
“Happy Birthday, Soonyoung.”  
  
Soonyoung could not think of anything to say and just continued staring at Jihoon in front of him.  
  
“Make a wish, Soonie.” Jihoon said.  
  
So, Soonyoung closed his eyes again and made a wish. He then blew the candle on the cupcake that Jihoon was holding. There wasn’t even a moment’s hesitation before Soonyoung’s lips were on Jihoon’s.  
  
Jihoon stopped breathing for a moment when he felt Soonyoung’s lips on his. Soonyoung’s closeness invaded all of him. Time stopped. The flutter and pounding in his heart intensified. It was a soft peck on the lips, but when Soonyoung’s lips brushed over his, Jihoon felt like a thousand butterflies invaded his heart.  
  
When Soonyoung pulled away, he pressed his forehead against his, while his thumbs caress his face. Soonyoung inhaling his scent, he lost all thought. He felt his hand letting go of the cupcake and like they have a mind of their own pulling Soonyoung closer.  
  
This time, it was Jihoon who kissed Soonyoung, and the other kissed him back. He opened his mouth in invitation, and Soonyoung took the opportunity to invade him with his tongue, hungry and consuming.  
  
Soonyoung’s thumb throbbed at the hallow of his neck, keeping him in place as his tongue continued to conquer the depths of his soul.  
  
Jihoon shivered as Soonyoung deepened the kiss. His hands find their way to Soonyoung hair, pulling the other even closer. Soonyoung’s scent invaded him, it maddened his heart and made his mind forget everything but Soonyoung. It left no room for any thought.  
  
Eventually, the kiss became slower and softer, until Soonyoung pulled away from his lips and pressed his forehead against Jihoon’s. Jihoon took a peek at the other. Soonyoung’s eyes were closed, tears stained his cheeks, but he was smiling.  
  
“I think my heart remembers you, Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
“My heart has never forgotten you, Kwon Soonyoung.” Jihoon whispered back.

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

**Soonyoung's Secret Dump Post**

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> *Sorry I can't reply to the comments here. :( I'm juggling transferring this AU here and writing a new one and of course streaming. But if you have questions please feel free to dm me on my twitter account or if you just want to rant my curiouscat is always open. :)
> 
> Update for this AU will be a lot faster. I've been using my phone, and then I realized everything is on the cloud and I can use my laptop which made things a lot easier.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	52. PARTY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

**Wonwoo to Groupchat**

****

**Mingyu's Twitter Post**

****

Wonwoo went to check his best friend but to his surprised Soonyoung’s bedroom was empty. They were supposed to go back to Soonyoung’s doctor that morning, but he couldn’t find his friend.  
  
He was about to call Soonyoung, when the latter entered their apartment.  
  
“Yah! Where have you been Kwon Soonyoung?”  
  
“Hello to you too.”  
  
“Where have you been?”  
  
“Sorry, I was at the studio. Are you going with me to the doctor?” Soonyoung asked.  
 **  
**

“First, stop overworking yourself. Second, yes, definitely. Third, go shower. You stink. Lastly, happy birthday.” Wonwoo said while he have a hug to Soonyoung.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
They then both prepared to leave for the doctor.  
  
Wonwoo stared at his friend. He couldn’t quite pin point it but there was something different with Soonyoung.  
  
“Are you sure everything’s alright?”  
  
“Yes, I’m just a bit nervous.”  
  
“I’m here.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“I know.” Soonyoung answered and leaned his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder. “Thank you Wonunu. I love you.”  
  
“Happy Birthday, Soons.” Wonwoo said as he kissed Soonyoung’s temple.  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was nervous. He knew Doctor Haneul was just going to explain how the process will work, but what if it was difficult? He wondered to himself. His greatest fears was the dreams that made him want to disappear, and just give up. He asked himself if he was strong enough to remember the memories behind those feelings.  
  
“Hello Soonyoung, come in.” Haneul said.  
  
Soonyoung nervously sat on the couch. But before he could say anything, Haneul spoke first:  
  
“Happy Birthday, Soonyoung.”  
  
“Oh, you remembered doc! Thank you.”  
  
“This ones fory you.” Haneul said as he gave Soonyoung a tiger headband. Soonyoung laughed at the gift but nonetheless put it on.  
  
“I love it! I’m going to wear it the whole day. Thank you, doc!” Soonyoung laughed when he saw his reflection on the mirror. He forgot about his nervousness and was excited to show his headband to Wonwoo.  
  
“Anyways, is there something new to you today?” Haneul asked.  
  
“I know you checked, my social media accounts, including my dump account. It’s okay to ask about it.” Soonyoung said goof naturedly.  
  
“I know I have your permission to check it, but I haven’t. I told you that your privacy will always be respected by me.” Haneul smiled.  
  
“I just noticed that despite being nervous you’re also a bit jumpy. But not scared jumpy, but more like excited. I’m sure it’s not because of your birthday, because I saw you in your past birthdays and those days were always difficult for you. So?” Haneul asked.  
  
“Doc, is it possible that my heart remembers a person? But my mind does not?”  
  
“Oh, so this bubbly energy radiating from you is because of a person?”  
  
Soonyoung blushed.  
  
“Ah so it is.” Haneul answered his own question. “Why do think your heart remembers him?”  
  
“I just feel it. I felt it the first time we saw each other again. It was like I was drawn to him. He has this way of making things comfortable, like we already knew each other for so long, despite just being newly reconnected. I don’t know if that makes sense.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“How does that make you feel?” Haneul asked.  
  
“Mostly scared, I’m scared of the memories. But when Jihoon’s there it makes me feel hopeful, that maybe along the bad memories, some good were also in the mix. It makes me less scared.”  
  
“That’s a good way of looking at things. Now, I know I promised and I’ll explain the process to you. But only if you’re still interested, because as I can see now your mind seems to be working hard to recover those memories.” Haneul said.  
  
“I still want to.”  
  
“Okay. We know that you have these memories that you can’t remember. You think your mind erased them but they’re still there. These hidden memories just can’t be accessed. Your mind tries to protect you from the emotional pain of recalling these events. This is the reason for your anxiety, triggered by events that could be related to these suppressed memories.”  
  
Soonyoung listened as Haneul explained what had already been explained to him years ago. But he understood what Haneul was trying to do, he just wanted to be thorough as much as possible.  
  
“Thus, memories formed in a particular mood, arousal or drug-induced state can best be retrieved when the brain is back in that state.” Haneul continued.  
  
“So I need to take, uh some kind of medicine?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Not necessarily. In fact, I don’t recommend that. We can use hypnosis, guided imagery, or age regression techniques that will help us access these memories. Actually, there are different approaches that we can take: brainspotting, somatic transformation therapy, primal therapy, sensorimotor psychotherapy, neurolinguistic programming, and internal family systems therapy.”  
  
Haneul then proceeded to explain the several ways that they could take. But he warned Soonyoung about how tedious the process can be and told him about the debates surrounding each process.  
  
“Scientific evidence generally doesn’t support the effectiveness of these approaches. Repressed memory therapy can also have some serious unintended consequences, namely false memories. These are memories created through suggestion and coaching. This is the reason why I advised your parents and even your friends, before from telling you about the events that you forgot.”  
  
Haneul patiently explained everything to Soonyoung, while the latter just listened. When Haneul finished his explanation, Soonyoung was already suffering from a headache. Haneul noticed and gave Soonyoung some mild aspirin.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“I know it’s information overload. But think about it, okay?” Haneul implored as Soonyoung went out of the office. He saw Wonwoo haunched over a book. He realized that the session lasted longer than usual.  
  
“Wonu?”  
  
“Hey, is everything alright?” Wonwoo asked as he hugged Soonyoung, who buried himself into Wonwoo’s warm arms.  
  
“That’s a cute headband.” Wonwoo said while Soonyoung cling to him.  
  
“I’m hungry.”  
  
“I know, and since it’s your birthday I’ll treat you to the best breakfast in town. I was supposed to cook for you but since we have a doctor’s appointment, I couldn’t.” Wonwoo said. He noticed how exhausted Soonyoung looked.  
  
“Maybe you should rest for the day? Let’s call Jun.”  
  
“No, I just need food. I’ve been neglecting my duties for a while now.” Soonyoung said.  
  
Wonwoo knew better than to argue, so they drove to a nearby restaurant and when they were done eating, he drove Soonyoung to the company.  
  
  


**JIHOON**

Jihoon woke up in his apartment alone. Soonyoung must have left him early in ghe morning. He wanted to text the other but hesitated. Soonyoung told him he had a doctor’s appointment. He blushed when he remembered last nights events. They ended up talking some more but when Jihoon noticed Soonyoiung freezing by the moment, he suggested they go somewhere warmer. They ended up in Jihoon’s apartment.  
  


**FLASHBACK**

“Come in.” Jihoon invited Soonyoung inside his apartment. Soonyoung looked around and noticed a few additions to the once sparce apartment.  
  
“I want to offer tea, but I only have coffee and ramen.” Jihoon said as he took Soonyoung’s coat off him and hang them in the closet. He took Soonyoung’s hands and guided them to the couch. He then turned on the heater when he noticed that Soonyoung was still cold.  
  
“I have warm milk, if you want?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I’m good. The heater’s starting to warm me up.” Soonyoung answered as Jihoon took a sit beside him.  
  
They sat in awkward for a few minutes, neither one of them knowing how to break the ice. Soonyoung looked at everything except for Jihoon. He was also starting to feel tired and sleepy since he danced for hours that day.  
  
“I should go.” Soonyoung said. But when he stood up, Jihoon pulled him back on the couch.  
  
“Stay. Please stay.”  
  
“It’s just that I’m exhausted and I want to shower.” Soonyoung said when he realized that he was still in his practice clothes. But Jihoon wouldn’t let him leave, instead he pulled Soonyoung into the bedroom and went to get clothes.  
  
“I’m not sleeping with you.” Soonyoung blurted out. He blushed crimson when he realized what he just said out loud.  
  
“So, that’s what you’re thinking about?” Jihoon asked. He smirked when Soonyoung did not answer. It was the last thing on his mind, he just wanted Soonyoung warm. But now that the other brought it up, he couldn’t help but tease Soonyoung.  
  
“Why not?” Jihoon asked and walked slowly towards Soonyoung who kept stepping back, until the back of Soonyoung’s knee hit the edge of the bed which made him fall down. Jihoon took the opportunity to push Soonyoung until the latter’s back hit the bed, while Jihoon hover over him.  
  
Jihoon smirked when he saw Soonyoung gulp. He slowly leaned in closer and closer until his nose touched Soonyoung’s. When Jihoon saw Soonyoung gulp and closed his eyes, Jihoon laughed out loud. Soonyoung opened his eyes when he heard Jihoon laugh and pushed the man away. He stood up, red in embarassment when he realized just how he reacted to Jihoon’s advances.  
  
“I’m leaving. Bye.” He was about to walk to the door, but Jihoon pulled him back to bed. Jihoon then wrapped his arms and legs around Soonyoung in a bear hug. Jihoon continued laughing while Soonyoung tried to get away from the hug.  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Jihoon said and nuzzled Soonyoung’s face. “I couldn’t help it. You looked to cute and I couldn’t let it pass.”  
  
“Let me go, Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung said as Jihoon continued to nuzzle his face and then his neck, giving Soonyoung goosebumps when Jihoon’s nose touched a sensitive part his his neck.  
  
“I missed you. Let’s stay like this for a while.” Jihoon said which made Soonyoung curious as to the depth of their relationship before his accident. He faced Jihoon and brushed his thumbs on the boy’s cheek.  
  
“What’s on your mind?” Jihoon asked when he noticed that Soonyoung’s eyes traced every part of his face but his mind was elsewhere. Soonyoung exhaled and gave Jihoon a soft peck on the lips.  
  
“I was just thinking.”  
  
“About?” Jihoon asked as he pressed a kiss on Soonyoung’s lips in return.  
  
“About how I could ever forget this face?” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
Jihoon could not help but feel dread ran up his spine. He went back to hugging Soonyoung tightly, scared of what might happen in the future. He contemplated just telling Soonyoung the truth, but the latter was adamant in learning the truth himself, he even agreed to go to therapy to recover his loss memories.  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Soonyoung asked when he noticed that Jihoon was sniffling. Soonyoung pulled away from the hug to look at Jihoon’s face.  
  
“What if.. What- What if..” Jihoon could not continue his question. Soonyoung hugged Jihoon tighter when he felt the other boy tremble in his arms.  
  
“Why don’t we take things day by day? Let’s just deal with each day as it comes.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“What if—“  
  
But Soonyoung did not let him finish the sentence and just kissed him senseless.  
They spent the night just cuddling and exchanging kisses. Both knew that it was too early to take things further, and just settled themselves into cuddling in bed until they fell asleep.  
  


**End of Flashback**

Jihoon wanted to tell Soonyoung the truth. He wanted to ask Soonyoung what if he were the reason why his life was ruined, would he be able to forgive him?  
  
The though alone terrified Jihoon. **  
  
**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung arrived late and went directly to the practice room. He was still feeling exhausted from that morning’s session, but he needed to push through with the practice. He ended practice earlier than usual since Wonwoo asked to go to dinner and celebrate his birthday together. He wanted to invite Jihoon, but the latter did not text him the whole day. He immediately took a shower and made himself presentable for dinner.  
  
“Soons?” Wonwoo was already waiting for him by the door when he finished.  
  
“Can you give me one minute or like 5 minutes? I just need to talk to Jihoon.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“I’ll go with you.”  
  
“No, it’s okay. Wait for me at the lobby.” Soonyoung the immediately went away to keep Wonwoo from going with him.  
  
He went to Jihoon’s studio but to his surprise, Jihoon was not there. So, much for spending his birthday together, he thought. Jihoon did not text him the whole day. In fact, Wonwoo was the only one who acknowledge his birthday. **  
  
**

**Soonyoung to Jihoon**

****

Soonyoung was disappointed. Jihoon just left him on read. So, he just went to meet Wonwoo.  
  
Wonwoo was waiting for him by lobby.  
  
“Where are we going?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Let’s go grab dinner, then movie night? I want a quiet evening. I know we just came back from vacation, but I’m already exhausted.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Yah! I planned a wonderful dinner; can’t you show a little more enthusiasm?” Wonwoo teased.  
  
“Sorry, it’s been a long day. Where exactly are we going?” Soonyoung asked when he noticed Wonwoo stopped in front of a nice and expensive looking restaurant.  
  
“Are you sure we’re going in there? Don’t we need a reservation or something?” Soonyoung asked. Wonwoo parked the car carefully, and then they went inside the restaurant.  
  
Wonwoo just mentioned his named and they were led to a private room where the rest of his friends waited.  
  
“Happy Birthday!” Soonyoung was startled when all of his friends yelled. Everyone greeted him and gave him a big hug.  
  
Soonyoung was surprised that everyone was there, even Jihoon. He hugged Jeonghan tightly.  
  
“I know you planned this hyung, thank you. I can never fathom how I got lucky to have a hyung like you.”  
  
Jeonghan laughed at Soonyoung’s sentimentality but before he could respond Seungcheol already grabbed the birthday boy for another hug.  
  
“You know that I was part of the planning too right?” Seungcheol said pouting which made Soonyoung laugh harder.  
  


One by one his friends greeted him. They even gave him presents. Chan gave him a little tiger keychain plushie which he immediately hangs on his bag.  
  
“Next time hyung, once I’m debuted, I’ll buy you something more expensive, not something I won on a claw machine.”  
  
Soonyoung laughed at their maknae.  
  
“I don’t need something expensive. You know I love these kinds of presents.”  
  
“So you not going to like ours?” Seungcheol said. Jeonghan and Seungcheol bought him a Nike Air Force 1 GD PMO Paranoise sneakers.  
  


"Oh my God!” Soonyoung yelled. “I’ve been dreaming for one of these of they were always sold out.”

Seungcheol laugh at the younger’s expression. Soonyoung met Jihoon’s eyes from across the table, which made him smile.

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

After the present giving, the food arrived and Soonyoung was shocked with how expensive looking everything was. There were arrays of korean food that’s just too beautiful to eat.  
  


**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

“Okay, hyung I think this is too much. This is going to cost a fortune.” Soonyoung whispered to Jeonghan who was sitting beside him.  
  
“Soons, I planned this but Rowoon’s footing the bill.” Jeonghan said nonchantly.  
  
“What? No! He already paid for my vacation.”  
  
“He insisted, since he couldn’t be here. Has he contacted you at all?” Jeonghan asked.  
  
“No, just a text saying happy birthday. That’s all.”  
  
“That dude is so head over heels for you.” Jeonghan said, which made Soonyoung squirm in his sit in guilt.  
  


**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon watched as everyone greeted Soonyoung a happy birthday. So, he did the same. He was nervous, especially with meeting the rest of the guys. He knew he was the one who should break the ice, especially with Soonyoung’s body guards as what he often refers them as, namely: Chan, Minghao, Jun, and Wonwoo.  
  
He sat beside Seokmin and Seungkwan. But both were busy talking to Joshua and Vernon.  
  
He watched in amazement at how Seokmin and Joshua treated each other. They broke up when Joshua started medical school, but there was no awkwardness there. They were still very much close despite the break up. Jihoon thought it must be because both were pure hearted people that there’s no room for awkward feelings of hatred. But he could also see that both were still pretty much in love with each other.  
  
On, his right was Seungkwan who was still having googley eyes over his best friend Vernon, who was too busy with other things to notice Seungkwan.  
  
“Jihoon-ah, are you doing good?”  
  
It was Wonwoo. They had a conversation before at his apartment when he fetched Soonyoung, but it was just for a moment.  
  
“Yes, thank you for asking.” Jihoon said from across the table.  
  
“There’s this new Battlefield released; you want to play sometime?” Wonwoo asked and Jihoon could only nod.  
  
“Maybe this weekend? At our apartment, Soonyoung bought a gaming console that he hardly ever uses.” Wonwoo said which made Jihoon laugh. Gaming had always been his and Wonwoo’s thing, while Soonyoung watched by the sideline whining about being hungry and everything else he could think of to complain about.  
  
“Sure, that would be great. Thank you.”  
  
They spent the rest of the dinner reminiscing over old memories of parties, arcades, skipping classes and many more. **  
  
**

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

****

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was shocked when after dinner Jeonghan said that the party wasn’t over. They proceeded to a bar where some of their other friends were waiting.  
  
Bumzu, a close record producer in Pledis. Hyukjae and Donghae were also present. Minhyuk, Wonho, Shownu, IM, Jooheon, Kihyun and Hyungwon were also there. They were a group of friends also working in the music industry that were close to Seungcheol but eventually got close to Soonyoung. Basically, everyone that Soonyoung ever knew was there enjoying the open bar and loud music. He walked from one table to another thanking friends for coming. He was close to exhaustion when he finally greeted all who came to the party.  
  
He saw Jihoon by the bar talking to Hyukjae and Donghae. He was about to go to him when Mingyu grabbed him and pulled him to the opposite direction.  
  
“Hyung! I want you to meet someone!” Mingyu yelled over the music.  
  
On one of the tables were Mingyu’s group of friends outside their circle. He knew most of them since Mingyu already introduced them before, except for one person. Jaehyun, Bambam, Jongkook, and Yugyeom greeted him.  
  
“Hyung! This is Eunwoo!” Mingyu said referring to a fair and handsome looking guy wearing all black.  
  
“Happy Birthday!” Eunwoo said.  
  
“Thank you.” Soonyoung could only smile as Mingyu clinged to Eunwoo like koala.  
  
When they were done with the introductions, Soonyoung left them. He wanted to talk to Jihoon but he knew somewhere in the bar Wonwoo was probably sulking. He found Wonwoo with Vernon, Seokmin and Joshua. He was shocked to see that Seokmin and Joshua were already making out by the corner, while Wonwoo and Vernon were playing pool.  
  
“Okay, those two are still broken up right?” Soonyoung asked Vernon.  
  
“As far as I know, yup.” They all laughed together at Vernon’s tone.  
  
“How about you Wonunu?”  
  
“I’m good, just a little buzz but still good.” But Soonyoung could see that Wonwoo was just more than just a little buzz. He also kept staring at the direction where Mingyu and Eunwoo were sharing a conversation, they were leaning into each other so close that it looked so intimate from a far.  
  
“Okay, I’ll get some water. Keep an eye on him.” Soonyoung said to Vernon, who just nodded.  
  
He was walking towards the bar when he saw Seungkwan climbing on the Dj’s booth and proceeded to dance wildly, while he slowly unbuttoned his shirt in a strip tease act. Soonyoung contemplated whether to just leave him be, but he was too good of a friend to just let Seungkwan be. So, he went to his friend to try to coax him into getting down.  
  
“Boo, get down here! Please!” But Seungkwan just ignored him and dance even more wildly as his audience cheered and shouted for Seungkwan to take off his pants. Seungkwan was about to comply but Soonyoung was quicker and pulled the other boy off the stage. He then pulled Seungkwan to the direction where Vernon and Wonwoo were playing pool. But to his surprised only Vernon and Joshua were there, Wonwoo was nowhere to be found.  
  
“Where’s Seokmin?”  
  
“I don’t know and I don’t care. He said he’ll just look for someone to move on to since I don’t want to commit.” Joshua answered.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“No, I don’t know.” Soonyoung gave his hyung a hug to try to comfort him.  
  
“Stay here and I’ll look for him.”  
  
So, he left Seungkwan in Vernon’s care and proceeded to look for Wonwoo and Seokmin. He was in the middle of the dance floor when he saw his best friend dancing with Jun. He sigh in relief because at least Wonwoo was safe for now but instantly panicked when both started making out in the middle of the dance floor in a way that’s not appropriate for company.  
  
He ran towards both his friends and pulled Wonwoo and Jun by the scruff of their shirt.  
  
“Oh my God! Both of you! Just stay away from each other!”  
  
He then deposited Jun with Minghao who was looking disgruntled and Wonwoo with Vernon who was currently cradling a sleeping Seungkwan.  
  
“Vernon! I asked you one thing! I just need to go to the comfort room and I’m taking him home.”  
  
He was on his way to the CR when he saw that Seokmin was already at Mingyu and his friend’s table, sitting on Jaehyun’s lap.  
  
“Hi again! Seokmin come on Shua hyung is looking for you.” Soonyoung said as he tried to get Seokmin off Jaehyun’s lap.  
  
“Why? He broke up with me, why would he now look for me?” Seokmin said and clung to Jaehyun even tighter.  
  
“You know what? Fine! Do whatever you want!” Soonyoung said already at the limit of his patience and walked away.  
  
Soonyoung went to the comfort room but it was locked. He really needed to pee but someone was occupying the comfort room for too long. So, he was about to knock when Jeonghan and Seungcheol came out looking unkempt, with ruffled shirts and hair, and swollen lips. Jeonghan was wiping something off his lips and smiling mischievously.  
  
“Oh my God! Hyungs!” Soonyoung, but went to use the comfort room nonetheless.  
  
He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror and splash some water on his face. It was his birthday but it seemed that he spent most of it trying to keep his friends from humiliating themselves. He went out of the CR and was about to walk back to his friends and give them a piece his mind when Jihoon grabbed him and pushed him against the wall before kissing him senseless.  
  
Jihoon then hooked one of Soonyoung’s legs around his waist and pressed himself against Soonyoung who raked his fingers on Jihoon’s hair. Jihoon’s one hand held Soonyoung by the waist while the other untucked his shirt and find its way to Soonyoung’s buds, pinching and pulling which made Soonyoung moan into the kiss. Soonyoung bit down a moan when Jihoon sucked on his bottom lips while he grabbed his ass. It was only when the hand on his chest started travelling downward that Soonyoung recovered his senses. Jihoon was kissing him all over his neck, his hand grazed Soonyoung’s manhood while trying to unzip Soonyoung’s pants.  
  
“Jihoon wait, stop! We’re in public.” Soonyoung said as he panted.  
  
Jihoon pushed himself away from Soonyoung and looking flushed smiled apologetically.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Jihoon said and walked away.

Soonyoung was about to run after Jihoon when he glimpse of someone looking familiar leave by the bar exit. He went back to his group of friends who were finally all together, except for Jihoon.  
  
“Guys, I appreciate this party but I’m exhausted. I just want to go home.”

“Home? Okay! Let’s party at your home!” Jun shouted and everyone cheered.  
  
“That’s not what I meant!” But nobody was listening to him, everyone was leaving the bar.

** WONWOO **

Wonwoo was drunk. He wasn’t a light weight so he must have drunk more than what he could handle. They were at their apartment continuing the party from the bar.  
  
He didn’t know how he got home, but he was on the couch with Jun beside him sleeping on his left shoulder and Minghao on his right. Both had been clinging to him throughout the whole night. He even vaguely remembers making out with one of them, he wasn’t sure though. He looked around the apartment for Soonyoung but the other was nowhere to be found. He was too buzzed to worry so he just continued sitting until his gaze fell on Mingyu sitting on the kitchen stool with his new friend. They were just talking but Wonwoo wanted to separate them, eventhough there was already a reasonable space between the two.  
  
He almost jumped from his seat when Mingyu suddenly looked at him and smiled. He wanted to avert his gaze but couldn’t, instead he smiled back. It was what he wanted, for Mingyu to find someone else that was better and deserving of him, unlike himself. He reminded himself that he was the one who let go. So, he smiled back even if deep inside his heart was breaking.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	53. AFTER THE PARTY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was at their building’s rooftop trying to get away from all his drunk friends. He promised himself that he’ll scold all of them for making him take care of them when it was supposed to be his birthday.  
  
He was playing a game when his phone rang.  
 **  
  
**

**Rowoon and Soonyoung's Phone Conversation**

Soonyoung felt guilty after ending his call with Rowoon. He wanted to tell Rowoon about what happened with Jihoon, but he knew it will only hurt the other, so he stopped himself.  
  
Soongyoung navigated through the sea of people currently in his apartment and went to his bedroom where he found two strangers making out on his bed, which turned out to be Seokmin and Jaehyun.  
He almost freaked out but the two ignored him and just continued making out.  
  
“I’m sorry guys. I just need to get something in my closet. Carry on.” Soonyoung opened his walk in closet and found to a boquet of flowers and a tiny box. Rowoon attached a letter to the flowers. But since Seokmin and Jaehyun were currently on his bed, he decided to lock himself inside his closet before opening the letter.  
  
He first opened the box and it contained the spool of thread that he returned when they separated.  
  


**Rowoon's Letter to Soonyoung**

Soonyoung took the bouquet of flowers. It wasn’t the first time that Rowoon gave him flowers, but this may be the last.

He wanted to place it in a vase but his apartment is currently full of people making mess. So, he just left everything in the closet and went out. He needed to be alone, so he took a coat and decided to take a walk. He was exhausted and just wanted to sleep but every corner of his apartment was currently occupied. He decided to just head down to the studio and sleep on the office couch.  
 **  
**

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon found himself in Soonyoung’s kitchen talking to Donghae and Hyukjae. They were discussing the comeback of the company’s new group when he saw Soonyoung holding his coat and went out of the apartment.  
  
“Excuse me Hyungs.” Jihoon ran after Soonyoung, and just when the elevator was about to close he got in, which startled the other boy.  
  
“Yah! You scared me!”  
  
“Where are you going?”  
  
“I just wanted to take a walk. I was thinking of heading to the studio.” Soonyoung said as they walked out of the elevator and the buidling.  
  
“Stop working, it’s your birthday.”  
  
“It’s not my birthday anymore and I’m not going to work, I wanted to lie down somewhere quiet and I can’t do that in apartment because everyone is f*cking there!” Soonyoung snapped and stamped his foot.  
  
“Did you just stamp your foot?” Jihoon laughed at Soonyoung’s disgruntled expression, but immediately stop when he saw the Soonyoung was close to tears.  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jihoon asked as he pulled Soonyoung closer to him.  
  
“I’m tired, and I want to sleep.” Soonyoung said sniffling.  
  
“Okay, come on.” Jihoon hailed a cab and they went to his apartment. When they arrived, Jihoon prepared a hot bubble bath for the other.  
  
“Come on. Take a hot bath and I’ll lay down your clothes on the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.” Jihoon said and went out to prepare the couch for himself. He then took a shower in the spare bathroom to prepare for bed.  
  
Jihoon noticed that Soonyoung was taking a long time in the bath and decided to check on the other boy. When he peeked into the bathroom, Soonyoung was already sleeping on the bathtub.  
  
“Hey, Soons. Come on, sleep on the bed.”  
  
When he was sure that Soonyoung was already awake, he left to give the other boy privacy.  
  
He went back to check on Soonyoung but the other boy was already lying on bed, so he went inside to fix the blanket around him then he gently closed the door but leaving it ajar for a little bit. He then went on to lie on the couch and immediately feel asleep from exhaustion.  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

The night was dark. The moon and the stars seemed to have lost their way. Soonyoung found himself on a deserted road. There were buildings everywhere but every light was turned off. A cold wind suddenly passed by and made him shiver.  
  
“Wonu?” He called out but only the wind answered him.  
  
“Wonu?”  
  
The rain suddenly came without warning, soaking Soonyoung in cold water. He ran away and came faced to face with the shadow of a person. The person ran away from him and kept running away from him even when Soonyoung was already desperately crying, trying to reach him.  
  
He reached the edge of cliff trying to reach out to the other person. Then the other person walked to him, but he looked at him and turned his back instead reaching out to him. Then there were two shadows. He looked at the shadows share a passionate embrace. He walked towards them, but the other guy pushed him and he was falling, falling, and falling. He was falling endlessly while the night sky offered no help. He tried to grab the air for help but he just kept falling.  
  
He woke up sobbing.  
  
It hurt, he thought. He felt his agony in the dream. He was so devastated over something, but he didn’t know why. When he was falling, he felt hopelessness and it scared him that he sobbed harder. He was falling but the shadows ignored him.  
  
  


**JIHOON**

Jihoon woke up when he heard that Soonyoung was crying. When he got into the room, Soonyoung was sobbing uncontrollably. He was trembling and sweating.  
  
Jihoon tried to embrace Soonyoung but the latter pushed him away. When Soonyoung realized that it was Jihoon, he sobbed even harder.  
  
“I- I’m sorry.”  
  
Jihoon immediately scooped the other in his arms while Soonyoung climbed on his lap and clinged on to the other.  
  
“It’s okay. I’m here.” Jihoon said as he rubbed Soonyoung’s back trying to comfort the other. When Soonyoung finally stopped crying, Jihoon laid the latter on the bed but Soonyoung refused to let go. So, Jihoon lie down beside him and held Soonyoung as he drifted off to sleep.  
  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung felt comfortable and warm. He woke up to a room that was supposed to be unfamiliar, but everything felt familiar to him. The scent of the room itself was very familiar to him. It felt like home.  
  
He smiled when he realized that Jihoon was hugging him tight despite being asleep. He distinctly remembered Jihoon sleeping on the couch. He wondered why they were suddenly together on the bed. He watched Jihoon sleep, memorizing everything about the face that he thinks he’s loving more every day. He brushed his thumb on Jihoon’s cheeks, and then kissed his nose.  
  
He was still staring at Jihoon when his phone rang. He grabbed his phone and carefully peeled Jihoon off him. He giggled internally for a bit when he realized he was wearing Jihoon’s clothes. For some reason, it made him feel happy. He went out to the balcony to answer Wonwoo’s call.  
  


**Soonyoung and Wonwoo's Phone Conversation** _(Red: Wonwoo White: Soonyoung)_

****

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was cleaning up the apartment when Jun woke up, without a word and still on his boxers the latter started helping out. They the prepared breakfast for their sleeping friends.  
  
“Jun, about—“  
  
“Wonwoo have—“  
  
They both say at the same time, which made Jun smile.  
  
“Look, I like you a lot. I’ve liked you the moment Soonyoung introduced us. But I know you’re in love with Mingyu, and I don’t think someone like me can ever get in the way of that.”  
  
“I’m sorry— I shouldn’t have—“ Wonwoo said but couldn’t finish the sentence since he didn’t remember what exactly happened.  
  
“It’s okay. Don’t apologize over something that clearly I also wanted to happen.”  
  
“I’m sorry you’re one of my closest friend and the last thing I want to do is to hurt you but what exactly happened?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
Jun watched Wonwoo nervously bit his lips. He knew what the other would want as an aswer. Despite being in a drunken stupor, it was one night that he didn’t want to forget. But clearly Wonwoo does not feel the same.  
  
“Stop fidgeting Jeon, nothing happened. We just made out some more, then we fell asleep.” Jun smiled.  
  
“Then why were we in our boxers?”  
  
“Well because we might have started something and then we were both too drunk and just fell asleep.” Jun explained.  
  
“Are you—“  
  
“Yes, I’m sure. Now, allow me to search for my clothes so I can clean this apartment with you before Soonyoung comes home and kills us both.” Jun said laughing.  
  
Wonwoo breathe a sigh of relief that nothing happened between him and one of his best friends. He was shocked with Jun’s revelation but he was right, he was still in love with Mingyu and he didn’t want to hurt Jun with half truths.  
  
Jun watched as Wonwoo’s shoulder visibly relaxed when he learned that nothing happened. Wonwoo was a very close friend, a friend closest to him after Soonyoung. So, despite the fact that he likes him, Jun thought that it would be better to keep his feelings hidden. He knew Wonwoo was in love with Mingyu. He knew they belong together. He didn’t want to get in a way of that, so he decided not to tell Wonwoo the truth. It was something that he’ll keep for the rest of his life, if it meant keeping Wonwoo around even if they were just friends.  
  
After changing, Wonwoo realized that Jun was back to normal, jumping around the place like a five year old. But Wonwoo was thankful, that Jun understood him and despite his blunder, he was still willing to be his friend.  
  


**JIHOON**

Jihoon panicked when he realized that Soonyoung was no longer beside him. But calm down immediately when he saw Soonyoung at the balcony talking to someone on the phone. He stared at Soonyoung as the other boy animatedly continued his conversation on the phone.  
He smiled when their eyes met. Then he remembered what happened that night, when Soonyoung was sweating profusely while crying and trembling from a dream.  
He felt that the best thing to do was to leave Soonyoung be, but he didn’t want to. He promised himself he will do whatever it takes to stay with Soonyoung. Even when the time comes that Soonyoung finds out and hates him, he’ll stay and love him even from afar. He promised himself never to leave again.  
  
Soonyoung must have seen the change in Jihoon’s expression because he immediately ended his call and run towards the bed. He straddled Jihoon and gave him a soft peck on the lips.  
  
“Thank you for letting me sleep in.” Soonyoung said both hands on Jihoon’s shoulders.  
  
“No need, you’re always welcome here. In fact, I want to keep you here.”  
  
Soonyoung laughed and cuddled closer to Jihoon who lay down on the bed with Soonyoung still on top of him. Soonyoung then rested his head on Jihoon’s chest.  
  
“Soons?”  
  
“hmmm?”  
  
“What are we?” Jihoon asked as Soonyoung stiffened. It was a question that Jihoon knew the other boy was not ready to answer.  
  
“I’m sorry, forget it.”  
  
But Soonyoung was already getting up, so Jihoon held Soonyoung tighter and switched their position so that Jihoon was now on top of Soonyoung.  
  
“I’m in love with you.” Jihoon said. Soonyoung breath hitched under him. Jihoon knew it was a big declaration, but he wanted the other boy to know it as soon as possible.  
  
“I know there are things that still needs to be settled, and I’m willing to wait. I know that you have a lot on your mind. But for now, will you let me just love you? I promise to not expect anything in return and will only take what you can give. I am content with whatever this is, as long as you’re there. Please, just let me love you.” Jihoon said.  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

Jihoon just told Soonyoung that he’s in love with him. They just recently reconnected but the intensity of their feeling was teffifying. Soonyoung felt the same way and it confused him. That’s why he couldn’t just say it out loud, there were still too much haze in his mind. He also thought about Rowoon, he knew he loved Rowoon and even though they were on break, he felt guilty with what he’s doing with Jihoon.  
  
Soonyoung looked at Jihoon. The intensity of his gaze scared him. But he also didn’t want to let go of the man before him. Not knowing how to respond to Jihoon’s request, he just nodded.  
  
That’s when Jihoon leaned in closer and softly kissed Soonyoung. Jihoon gave Soonyoung small kisses with a hint of hesitation but filled with love. Soonyoung could feel that Jihoon was trying to be careful, not wanting to cross lines that Soonyoung wouldn’t want him to.  
  
Soonyoung pulled Jihoon closer, not content with the distance between them. He also run his tongue on Jihoon’s lips hoping that the other will get the hint. He opened his mouth invitingly but Jihoon just continued to kiss him timidly. So, he pushed the boy away and Jihoon fell off the bed.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Jihoon asked eyes wide in fear.  
  
Soonyoung sigh in impatience.  
  
“Don’t kiss me if you’re not going to do it properly.” Soonyoung said disgruntled and got off the bed. But Jihoon pulled him back by the waist and they ended up in bed again.  
  
“I’m only trying to be a gentleman here and I end up on the floor.” Jihoon pouted which made Soonyoung laugh.  
  
“I distinctly remember you pushing me away when I kissed you in the bar.” Jihoon said.  
  
“That wasn’t a kiss!”  
  
“What was it then?”  
  
“Well, it was more than a kiss and we were in public!” Soonyoung insisted.  
  
“So?” Jihoon raised his eyebrow at Soonyoung's prudeness. He was having a nice time teasin Soonyoung, but more importantly, Jihoon just wanted to kiss Soonyoung most of the time.  
  
“What do you mean so?”  
  
“PDAs didn’t bother you before.”  
  
“Really?” Soonyoung genuinely asked and Jihoon laughed and went on top of Soonyoung.  
  
“So, should we pick up where we left off?” Jihoon asked, voice suddenly low and husky, which made Soonyoung gulp a little.

  
🔞 

Jihoon leaned closer, until his lips brushed over Soonyoung’s, pressing softly. Their breathe mingled for a moment, it was a moment that Soonyoung wanted to last. Being so close to Jihoon, made him forget the rest of the things that’s been bothering him. Soonyoung’s arms goes up around Jihoon’s neck pulling him closer as he opens his mouth invitingly. Jihoon took the hint and let his tongue slip in leisurely exploring the other’s mouth. He let his tongue run along Soonyoung’s teeth and the roof of his mouth while his hand starting exploring Soonyoung’s body while he pressed their semi hard ons againt each other. It made Soonyoung shudder from the sensation. He then gently sucked on Soonyoung’s tongue making the other moan into his mouth. Soonyoung panted as Jihoon deepened the kiss even further.  
  
He stopped for a second and unbuttoned Soonyoung’s top, kissing the skin that was revealed along the way.  
  
Soonyoung’s one hand found its way under Jihoon’s shirt. Soonyoung tugged on the shirt, demanding Jihoon to take it off so the latter complied. He then settled himself between Soonyoung’s legs and went back to kissing Soonyoung. Jihoon slowly directed his kisses south, leaving open mouth kisses on Soonyoung’s neck, biting slightly as he continued to go down.  
Soonyoung raked his fingers on Jihoon’s hair.  
  


Soonyoung let out a soft moan when Jihoon reached his chest. Jihoon used his tongue to lick and flick Soonyoung’s buds, making the other squirm underneath him. Jihoon continued his ministration alternating from biting, sucking, and blowing, which drove Soonyoung crazy.  
  
Jihoon’s hand travelled downwards, grazing over Soonyoung’s manhood and then moving to cup his behind. Jihoon felt unsatisfied with the barrier between his hands and Soonyoun’s skin, so he let his hand travel to the helm of Soonyoung’s pants, but when Jihoon made a move to remove it, Soonyoung grabbed his hand to stop him.  
  
“Ji, I don’t want to have sex.” Soonyoung said still panting.

🟢

  
Jihoon immediately withdrew his hand and stop everything that he was doing. He then tried to get off Soonyoung but the latter wrapped his arms around Jihoon.  
  
“I’m sorry, I think I’m sending you mixed signals.” Soonyoung apologized.  
  
“No, I’m sorry. I read the signs wrong.”  
Jihoon insisted. He removed Soonyoung’s arms around him and lie beside Soonyoung, letting out a sigh. He then raked his fingers on his hair as he stared at the ceiling willing his hard on the go away.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung whispered, lips quivering a bit while he tried to blink away the unwanted tears that started forming in his eyes.  
  
“Hey, why are you crying? I’m the one who’s sorry.” Jihoon said and cooped up the other male in his arms. Soonyoung rested his head on Jihoon’s arms. Jihoon wiped away Soonyoung’s tears with his other hand.  
  
“Hey, it’s my fault. Please don’t cry.” Jihoon said. He beat himself up for always making the other boy cry.  
  
“I’m sorry, but I thought-“  
  
“You don’t— I mean please explain.” Jihoon was about to stop the other boy from explaining, but he remembered that Soonyoung hated that.  
  
“I want you, but I don’t want to have sex. You make me feel so crazy and it’s so easy to just let go but I don’t think it’s a good idea to have sex when my mind is a mess.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“I understand.”  
  
“Please don’t be mad.”  
  
“Kwon Soonyoung, you must think so low of me to think that I’d force you to something that you don’t want to.”  
  
“I—“  
  
“No, let me finish. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love you with you . Nothing can change that, not space, not time, and not even you. I tried everything to forget you, but you have bewitched me. I no longer have the capacity and desire to be without you even for a day and if the day comes when.. when..” Jihoon stuttered. He was terrified to put it into words, the fact that Soonyoung may hate him once he recovers his memory.  
  
“When the day comes that you no longer want me near, then I will love you from afar. I will never want to be without you, even if one day you’d want nothing else but to be without me.” Jihoon said  
  
“Why is it that you always talk of goodbye?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Because someday you’ll realize how trash of a person I am.”  
  
“I doubt if that’ll ever happen.”  
  
“All I can do is hope.” Jihoon answered and leaned on to give Soonyoung a chaste kiss.  
  
“Jihoon?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“When I said I don’t want to have sex, I didn’t mean I don’t want to do anything else.” Soonyoung said as he pulled Jihoon closer.  
  
“What do you have in a mind then?” Jihoon asked as he smirked.  
  
They did almost everything that morning except for having sex. Everything felt new but familiar at the same time. Soonyoung felt even more closer to Jihoon, like no time had passed at all since the time they separated. There were more questions in Soonyoung’s mind, especially with his past that involved Jihoon. He asked himself why of all the people close to him, it was Jihoon that he forgot. But Soonyoung decided to let time heal his mind, and to trust his heart which was telling him that deep inside, it has always been Jihoon.

**Jihoon's Istagram Post**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	54. SoonHoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG/JIHOON**

Jihoon and Soonyoung were busy, not just with their vague arrangment but with Chan’s debut. But despite their busy schedules, they always find time to spend with each other. Sometimes they’ll stay at the studio, sometimes at Jihoon’s apartment or Soonyoung’s.

Jihoon and Wonwoo also started repairing their friendship. Sometimes the two would go out even without Soonyoung, or they’d hang out in the apartment playing video games all day.

**Wonwoo Instagram Post**

Soonyoung just got home. He tried to come as fast as he could, but the studio was very busy. Jihoon was spending his time with Wonwoo playing a new game they just bought. Wonwoo greeted him from the kitchen.  
  
“Where’s Jihoon?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
Wonwoo pointed to the direction of the living room. He found Jihoon sleeping on the couch with the game controller is hand. Soonyoung smiled at how adorable Jihoon looked. He slowly took the console from Jihoon’s hands and gently lay down Jihoon on the couch. He took a soft quilt they usually use during movie nights and placed it on Jihoon. He then went back to the kitchen where Wonwoo was cooking something.  
  
“Tired?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“Exhausted. I can’t wait for a new teacher to be hired to cover Chanie’s classes.”  
  
“How are you and Jihoon?”  
  
“Surprisingly good.” Soonyoung smiled and Wonwoo saw just happy Soonyoung was at the moment.  
  
“I wish I could do better at therapy though. It feels like I’m making no progress at all. Everything is just confusing.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“We knew from the beginning that it was going to be a challenge, right? So, let’s hang in there.”  
  
“You’re right. Thank you Wonu.”  
  
“So, you and Jihoon still not having sex?” Wonwoo asked while Soonyoung blushed crimson.  
  
“Yah! That’s private!”  
  
“It’s only private when you learn how to muffle your voice whenever you do stuff in your bedroom.” Wonwoo said laughing at Soonyoung’s shocked expression.  
  
“Are we really that loud?” Soonyoung asked, eyes wide in curiosity.  
  
“Jihoon, not so much. You, well, let’s just say even the earphones don’t seem to drown out your voice.” Wonwoo teased a scandalized Soonyoung.  
  


**Jun's Instagram Post**

Soonyoung and Jihoon were at the practice room monitoring the progress of the group that their company was going to debut. Afterwards, they planned on going to dinner at a restaurant that Soonyoung had been wanting to go to. He even skipped lunch just to thoroughly enjoy the food.  
  
But when Hyukjae brought snacks for the staff and the trainees, Jihoon kept eating. Soonyoung watched him from the middle of the dance floor, trying to signal him to stop eating.  
  
When Soonyoung finished explaining to the group a part of the choreography, he went to Jihoon to stop the other male from eating.  
  
“Yah! Stop eating.”  
  
“Why? I’m hungry. Besides, I’d be too busy later I won’t be able to eat dinner, so might as well fill up now.” Jihoon said as he continued munching on his food.  
  
“Why are you busy later?” Soonyoung asked as he crossed his arm. He realized that Jihoon might have forgotten about their dinner plans despite the fact that the reminded him over and over again through the week.  
  
“Oh, I have a jam session with Bumzu Hyung.”  
  
“You said that was for next week.” Soonyoung said trying to control his disappointment from showing in his voice.  
  
“Oh, we moved it since I’m not really doing anything tonight.” Jihoon explained.  
  
Soonyoung could no longer take it. He stood up and flicked Jihoon’s forehead, which surprised the other boy. He then asked Jun to take over the practice and walked out of the room without any word.  
  
“Yah! Kwon Soonyoung!” Jihoon called out but the other boy was already out of the room.

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

****

**Jihoon to Jeonghan**

****

Jihoon immediately went to Soonyoung’s apartment but he was greeted with silence. Wonwoo must still be out, studying somewhere. When he entered Soonyoung’s room, he found the other already sleeping. So, he changed his clothes and went to join Soonyoung who snuggled close to him in his sleep.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Jihoon whispered.  
  
“It’s okay.” Jihoon was surprised that the other was awake.  
  
“No, I’m really sorry. I said some things and when I realized what I said I wanted to punch myself.” Jihoon said close to crying.  
  
“Hey, it’s okay. I should have at least talked to you but I let my temper get in the way.” Soonyoung said and snuggled closer to Jihoon, their fight already forgotten.  
  
“Does your head still ache?” Jihoon asked.  
  
A few gibberish words were the only reply he got.

**Vernon's Instagram Post**

Soonyoung was sleeping when he was awakened by Jihoon’s kisses. When he checked his alarm clock it was already 2 in the morning.  
  
“Yah! Lee Jihoon stop! I need more sleep.” Soonyoung complained.  
  
“Wake up. I have a surprise for you.” Jihoon whispered in his ear.  
  
“Noooo! I’m sleepy.”  
  
“Come on Soons, please!” Jihoon said as he pulled Soonyoung out of his bed.  
  
“This better be good.” Soonyoung grumbled as he got out of bed. Jihoon then dressed him in sweats and a sweater, before dragging him outside.  
  
When they were in the car, Soonyoung continued sleeping on the front seat. He was still half asleep when Jihoon dragged him again so he didn’t realized where they were until he was face to face with Hansol.  
  
“No!”  
  
“Come on Soons, since we’re here already let’s just work out.” Jihoon said giving Soonyoung his best pouting face.  
  
“No! Take me home! I danced for 12 hours today and you want to make me workout! I want to go home and sleep!”  
  
“It’s just we haven’t see each other in 2 days.”  
  
“And who’s fault is that?” Soonyoung asked irritated.  
  
“Ours?” Jihoon asked. He leaned on closer to Soonyoung and whispered: “If you work out with me I’ll let you...”  
  
Soonyoung blushed at what Jihoon whispered to him. He was suddenly wide awake despite the time and being exhausted.  
  
“Well, you should have started with that to convince me. Let’s go!” Soonyoung said energetically while Jihoon laughed his heart out.  
  


**Jihoon Instagram Post**

****

Soonyoung’s notification rang. He was eating with Jihoon when he saw that latter posted another picture of him eating.  
  
“Yah! Stop posting pictures of me! Especially when I’m eating.” Soonyoung said trying to take Jihoon’s phone.  
  
“Why not? Unlike you I’m not ashamed of posting your pictures on my timeline.” Jihoon said.  
  
“I posted—“  
  
“No, you didn’t ever since we have this whatever this is, you have never posted anything about me.” Jihoon said and pouted.  
  
Soonyoung panicked and went beside Jihoon. He grabbed both of Jihoon’s hands and squeezed them apologetically.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay. It’s not even a big deal.” Jihoon said and pulled Soonyoung closer. “I’m content with whatever that you can give me. I’m happy just being close to you and just being able to do this.” Jihoon said as he kissed Soonyoung’s temple and pulled the other boy for a tight hug.  
  
“But still it’s unfair to you.”  
  
“No, it’s not. This is a blessing for me. I love you, Kwon Soonyoung.” Jihoon said.  
  
Soonyoung’s stomach flipped. Jihoon said he was in love with him, but it was the first time that Jihoon said those three words directly at him with a smile than can drown a thousand ships. He decided at that very moment that Jihoon can post all photos of him, even embarassing ones, as long as he makes the other boy smile.  
But it doesn’t mean he can’t retaliate, he thought as he posts a selfie that Jihoon took with his phone.  
  


**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

Jihoon smiled when he saw his face on Soonyoung’s post.  
  
“You didn’t have to, you know.” Jihoon said.  
  
“I know, but I want to.” Soonyoung said and leaned in for a kiss, but they were both smiling making it difficult for them to kiss each other. They laughed at their silliness.  
  
“I love you, Lee Jihoon. My heart always knew, I’m sorry it took long before I could find the courage to say—“ But Soonyoung wasn’t able to finish his sentence because Jihoon already peppered him with kisses.  
  


**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

****

**JEONGHAN**

Soonyoung and Jihoon were hanging out with Seungcheol and Jeonghan at their apartment trying out a new video game that Seungcheol bought.  
  
Jeonghan and Soonyoung were watching a kdrama and finished 3 episodes when they got bored and went to hang out with Jihoon and Seungcheol. But both were to caught up with their video game.  
  
Jeonghan went to the kitchen to prepare dinner while Soonyoung sat beside Jihoon who was still busy with the game. Jeonghan watched as Soonyoung first played a game on his phone, when that got boring he watched Jihoon play. But since Soonyoung also couldn’t understand the game, he took his phone again to listen to music, then he switched to browsing his instagram. He then took a video of Jihoon playing.  
  
Jihoon turned his head to checked on Soonyoung and caught him taking a video. They both laugh when their eyes met. It was then that Jihoon paused the game despite Seungcheol’s loud complaint.  
  
“Yah! Lee Jihoon, we’re almost done!”  
  
“Sorry Cheol, but Soon’s bored.” Jihoon said as he shifted his attention to Soonyoung. Jihoon pulled Soonyoung closer to him and they started whispering to each other as they laugh over jokes that only both of then knew.  
  
Seungcheol went to the kitchen to talk to Jeonghan.  
  
“I think Jihoon’s changed.” Jeonghan said.  
  
“Yeah, he actually gave up a game just to talk to Soonyoung. When did that ever happen?” Seungcheol asked.  
  
“Never. He also posts a lot of pictures of Soonyoung on instagram. Now, he’s also the one who initiates a lot of skin ship with Soonie. He doesn’t stay that much at his studio if it’s not needed.”  
Jeonghan said.  
  
“Yeah, I used to find it fascinating before they separated how Soonyoung could wait for hours in Jihoon’s studio. Now it’s Jihoon who is always at Soonyoung’s studio, just hanging out and waiting.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“That’s good, right?” Jeonghan asked.  
  
“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”  
  
“Because what if Soonyoung remembers?”  
  
“It will still be good, because Soonyoung will see that despite Jihoon’s mistakes, he did it out of love and that he’s not a worthless person that he believes himself to be. Jihoon worships the ground that Soonyoung walks in, that’s got to be good right?” Seungcheol said.  
  
“I hope you’re right.”  
  
“Me too.” Seungcheol said as they watched their friends lost in their own little world.  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung just finished his last class of the day at 10 pm. He was exhausted but Jihoon was asking him to go to the gym again.  
  
“I’m exhausted.” Soonyoung pouted.  
  
“Soons, come on.”  
  
When Soonyoung did not answer, Jihoon continued:  
  
“Oh, okay. What do you want to do?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Well, you promised me something remember?” Soonyoung said. “You said you’d let me... the last time we visted the gym.”  
  
“Really? Tonight? I thought you’re exhausted?”  
  
“I’m not that exhausted.” Soonyoung insisted.  
  
“Then let’s go work out!”  
  
“Nevermind. Promises are meant to be broken.” Soonyoung said pretending to cry. Jihoon laughed at Soonyoung, but stopped when Soonyoung glared at him.  
  
“Come on pouty baby!” Jihoon said, Soonyoung blushed at the pet name. It was the first time that Jihoon called him with a petname.  
  
They arrived at Pledis Building and headed straight to Jihoon’s studio. Jihoon turned off the light except for the pink led light to set the mood.  
  
“Okay, come on.” Jihoon said as he sat on his computer chair and turn on his equiment. He then pulled Soonyoung to sit on his lap.  
  
Soonyoung had been asking Jihoon to let him use his equipment, but Jihoon was busy. So, he made a promise that he’ll definitely do it if Soonyoung would go to the gym with him. What Soonyoung didn’t know that he was willing to do it whether Soonyoung goes to the gym with him or not. There was nothing that Jihoon wouldn’t do for the other.  
  
“First lesson...” Jihoon continued explaining the different types of equipment in his studio. He also explained the basics of the program he uses to produce songs. He helped Soon finished recording the song that he wanted.  
  
When Soonyoung was done, Jihoon saved the file and made some quick finishing touches. He also helped him upload the finish song to his youtube account.  
  


Soonyoung was so happy that despite being exhausted, he gave Jihoon something to smile about for the night, an image of Soonyoung kneeling before him as he sat on his chair, both of Soonyoung’s hands on his thigh, and Jihoon’s hands grabbing his hair, while giving him the best lip service ever.  
  


**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung woke up smiling. The past months had been the happiest he’d been. There were bumps here and there, especially with his therapy. He wasn’t having any progress at all, except to some flashes here there that he wasn’t sure but he felt fine. He attributed everything to Jihoon.  
  
The only grey thing in his world was the fact that they were in a vague relationship, but that was his fault. He didn’t want to commit to a relationship when he has holes in his memory. They also haven’t had sex. They fool around in the bedroom, but when they were going to the direction of sex, Soonyoung freezes.  
Luckily, Jihoon was very conscious of the boundaries he set.  
  


**Soonyoung to Jihoon**

****

Both went through their day normally. But Soonyoung was plague with thoughts of Jihoon. He was thinking about his no-sex rule. He thought maybe it was time he and Jihoon take it to another level. He just didn’t know how to bring it up to Jihoon. He asked Jeonghan about it over the phone and Jeonghan told him:  
  
“Just ask him if he wants to stay for ramen.”  
  
“Why would I ask him that?”  
  
“Because that’s a code for s-e-x, dummy.” Jeonghan said giggling.  
  
“Oh, okay. I didn’t know that.” Soonyoung laughed.  
  
“Well, now you know. Good luck! Make sure to prep properly.”  
  
“Hyung! I know how it works! It’s not my first time. We and Rowoon were very much active in that department.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“I’m just saying. Anyways, happy—“  
  
“Oh my god Hyung! I know!” Soonyoung said as he put down the phone.  
  
It was already night time when Jihoon dropped by the studio. But Soonyoung was still in one of his classes. So, Jihoon went and join Minghao and Jun in one of the practice rooms. They were playing around with the choreo of a new song made by Jihoon for Pledis’ new group. “Good to Me” was one of the B-sides chosen to show the group’s sexier side.  
Jihoon wrote it for Soonyoung when they finally got together in their vague relationship.  
  
“Hey Jihoon! Want to join?” Jun asked. Jihoon laughed at Jun’s suggestion, but since he didn’t have anything to do, he complied.  
  
“Sure. But I’m not going to hump the floor.” Jihoon said as he tried to learn the choreo for lack of better thing to do.  
  
“Might as well hump the floor, since it’s the only thing you’re going to be humping for a long time.” Jun said and winked at Jihoon before he running away laughing.  
  
“Yah!” Jihoon laughed as he chased after Jun.  
  
“Okay stop! I give up! Let’s just start. I need to exhaust all my energy.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Frustrated sexual energy?” Minghao said and smiled. It was the first time that Minhao addressed Jihoon directly.  
  
“Yes, a little bit.” Jihoon answered and they laugh together.  
  
Jun taught Jihoon the choreography, which involved a lot of body rolls, grinding and floor humping.  
  
“Okay, this definitely is not helping.” Jihoon said while Jun laughed his heart out.  
  
“Come on last one.” Jun said as he played the music.  
  
They didn’t realize that Soonyoung was already at the room, watching them dance. Soonyoung tried his best to keep himself from jumping Jihoon right there and then, when he saw the latter’s body rolls and floor humpings and grindings. He could feel his manhood starting to get hard as he watched Jihoon glistening with sweat, humped the floor. Soonyoung’s cheeks were flushed and he was also sweating.  
  
He gulped when the group finally finished their dance session.  
  
“Hey Soons!” Jun yelled which startled Soonyoung out of his heated thoughts.  
  
“Hey, are you okay? You look flushed.” Jihoon said as he tried to hold Soonyoung’s face to check his temperature but the latter swiped away his hands.  
  
“Sorry, I’m okay. Let’s go?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Where are we going?”  
  
“I don’t know. You said you were going to pick me up, so I thought you had a plan.”  
  
“I have a busy day tomorrow, so I can’t stay out late.” Jihoon explained.  
  
“Oh, let’s just go home then.” Soonyoung suggested.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yup.”  
  
Soonyoung was quiet the whole time they were driving home, to Jihoon’s confusion. Soonyoung was also fidgeting, nervous over something.  
  
They were in Soonyoung apartment when Soonyoung hesitated before asking:  
  
“Jihoon, do you want to stay for ramen?”  
  
“Ramen?” Jihoon asked at the sudden question. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”  
  
“Don’t you want to?”  
  


“Sure, Soonie, if that’s what you want.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Wow, you could at least show a bit of enthusiasm you know.” Soonyoung said, suddenly irritated at Jihoon. It confused Jihoon even further.  
  
“Uhm, sorry. Of course I want.. Uhmm.. ramen. If you want rament, then I want ramen. I was just hoping for chinese too, so I’m not that excited for Ramen. But I am if you are.” Jihoon said a bit panicked with Soonyoung’s irritation.  
  
“Is that a thing too?” Soonyoung asked genuinely curious.  
  
“Uhm, yeah?” Jihoon answered, he hesitated before adding: “Preferably with Dumplings and maybe congee.”  
  
“Oh okay. Then if that’s what you want, then let do that.” Soonyoung said blushing.  
  
“But don’t worry. Ramen is okay too.” Jihoon said and pulled Soonyoung into a hug.  
  
“Oh okay.”  
  
They went inside Soonyoung’s apartment, hand in hand but to Soonyoung’s surprise Jihoon pulled him into the kitchen. He was surprised even more when Jihoon took a pot and filled it water and placed them on the stove to boil.  
  
“Oh- okay, not exactly what I have in mind.” Soonyoung mumbled.  
  
“I’ll call the chinese restaurant for the dumplings and congee.”  
  
Soonyoung stared at Jihoon dumbfounded with the turn of events. He tried his best to be patient with the other. Maybe it was part of the act, he thought.  
  
When they finished eating, Soonyoung was expecting something to happen but instead the other boy stood up and said:  
  
“I’d love to stay but I have to be early tomorrow. I know you don’t have morning classes tomorrow. So, I’ll stay at my apartment. Come on, walk me to the door.”  
  


In truth, Jihoon just didn’t know if he can get through the night with the current state of his self control. He didn’t know how to get through another night with just cuddles, mouth, and hand actions.  
  
When they were by the door, Jihoon gave Soonyoung an innocent peck before opening the door.  
  
“Soons? Everything alright?”  
  
“Yup, bye. Maybe next time we could just eat outside. No need to come home just for ramen.”  
  
“Okay, what’s wrong now? You seem irritated the whole night, just tell me.”  
  
“No, if you don’t know then that’s your problem.” Soonyoung said as he pushed Jihoon out.  
  
“Hey, if you want me to stay, I’ll stay.”  
  
“Oh don’t do me any favors Lee Jihoon, bye!” Soonyoung shut the door on Jihoon’s face and put on the safety lock. So, no matter how he knocked and entered the code the door won’t budge, He didn’t have a choice but the go home.  
  
He texted Soonyoung when he got home, but the other boy didn’t answer. It was only when he checked Soonyoung’s post and the comments of his friends on their groupchat that he realized he fucked up.  
  


**Jihoon to Groupchat**

****

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	55. A Bump on the Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung just came out of therapy. His doctor mostly employed hypnosis and guided-imagery. The progress was slow, it was near to nothing. They could go and use sedative-hypnotic drugs, but his doctor was convinced that it was better not to. Besides, the dreams that Soonyoung were more frequently having could be connected to his memories and he just could not access it awake. Doc Haneul assured him that it’ll be okay, that he’ll recover those memories.   
  
Wonwoo as always was waiting for him outside. It was always Wonwoo, never Jihoon, even though they’ve gotten closer over the months. They were even planning on a vacation together after the debut of the new group, which was in three weeks. He wasn’t just comfortable with Jihoon being there.   
  
“Let’s go?” Wonwoo asked.   
  
“Yes! I’m hungry. I’m always hungry after the therapy.” Soonyoung asked   
  
They then drove to a nearby restaurant. It was where they usually go after Soonyoung’s therapy.   
  
“Is everything alright?” Wonwoo asked as they wait for the food that they ordered.  
  
“I’m just a little bit frustrated with things. I don’t know. It’s just that I try my best with therapy and nothing seems to be progressing.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“You know it’ll take time.”  
  
“But it’s more than two months now, and I can’t seem to get a grasp of what’s happening. I feel like everything is a mess and it’s becoming messier by the minute.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“We know when we started this it’s not going to be easy. We just need to hang in there even further.” Wonwoo said.   
  
“I’m getting more scared every day. Can’t you just tell me?”   
  
“You know I can’t. Doc warned us about false memories remember?” Wonwoo explained. “Hey, let’s have a bit more patience, okay? Want to eat ice cream after?”  
  
“I want to but I can’t. I need to be there for the final rehearsal before the showcase. I need to be there if minor adjustments are needed to the choreography.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Are you excited?”  
  
“Definitely, we work hard for almost four months and now everything is finally coming together. You should see Chan, or Dino. I know he’s our maknae, but he really leads the group well.” Soonyoung said excitedly.  
  
After their lunch, Soonyoung went directly to the site of the showcase. He still had an hour to kill before it officially started so he tried to look for Jihoon but the other boy was nowhere to be found.  
  
He visited the members in their waiting room and was in awe with how much they looked good. There were nine members all in all. Chan was the leader. The other eight were Chanhee, Hyunjin, Jeno, Haechan, Yangyang, Yedam, Jisung, and Haruto. The members greeted Soonyoung with hugs and cheers.  
  
“Nervous?” Soonyoung asked Chan when the members already settled down.  
  
“A little bit, but not so much. I’m confident in my skills thanks to you.” Chan said,  
  
“Aigoo.” Soonyoung blushed at the compliment. They were exchanging nervous banter when Jeonghan and Seungcheol came in the room.  
  
“Hyungs! You came! It’s only the rehearsals though.”  
  
“We know, but Hanie wanted to come.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“I just wanted to say that, even after your debut, you’re still my baby.” Jeonghan said while he gave Chan a hug. He talked with the members some more before excusing himself to look for Jihoon.  
  
He was sitting by the stage when Jeonghan and Seungcheol sat beside him. Jeonghan noticed that Soonyoung was agitated so he held his hand reassuringly.  
  
“Everything okay?” Jeonghan asked.  
  
“Jihoon’s not here. He said he’ll be here. He’s also not replying to any of my messages.”  
  
“I’m sure he just got stuck in the studio. Don’t worry too much, okay?”  
  
“I hope so.”  
  
“I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation, Soons. Relax, okay?” Jeonghan whispered.

**Soonyoung to Jihoon**

****

The rehearsal started and ended smoothly. Jihoon, however was still a no show. He went back to his studio to finish his classes, and then eventually went home. The day ended for Soonyoung without hearing from Jihoon. So, he decided to just head for bed and sleep.  
  
  
  


**WONWOO**

**Wonwoo to Mingyu**

**⛔️**

He got home late because their professor extended the class for a few minutes. Upon opening the door, he heard wailing coming from Soonyoung’s room. Wonwoo immediately ran towards the room and found Soonyoung at the corner badly trembling and crying. He was hitting himself with his hands.  
  
“Stop! Soonyoung stop!” Wonwoo pulled Soonyoung into his arms. He tightly hugged Soonyoung.

🟢

  
  
“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here Soonie. Everything’s fine.” Wonwoo said as he hugged the other boy tighter.  
  
Soonyoung cried until he fell asleep in Wonwoo’s arms. Wonwoo then carried Soonyoung to his bed, but when he was about to go, the other boy grabbed his wrist.  
  
“Don’t leave me.”  
  
“Of course, never.” Wonwoo went back to bed and held Soonyoung.  
  
“I’m— I’m— Jihoon— I think he left. I had a dream. I think this happened before.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
“What do you mean he left?”  
  
“He disappeared on me again Wonu, what will I do?” Soonyoung said.

Wonwoo was shocked with the question. Does that mean that Soonyoung remembers? He asked himself. He wanted to ask the other boy but Soonyoung already fell asleep in his arms.  
  


**Jihoon's Twitter Post**

****

**JIHOON**

Jihoon found himself sneaking into Soonyoung’s apartment late at night. He knew he should have called first, but after what he did, he was in a state of panic and wanted to hold Soonyoung. He was walking towards Soonyoung’s room when Wonwoo came out. Something must have happened if Wonwoo needed to sleep with Soonyoung.  
  
“Jihoon-ah, let’s talk in the kitchen.”  
  
“Oh, okay.” Jihoon wanted to Soongyoung first, but from Wonwoo’s tone something must have happened.  
  
Wonwoo was quiet. He seemed to be thinking about what to say.  
  
“Tonight, Soonyoung had a dream. He woke up crying and trembling. I had to give him medicine to calm him down.”  
Wonwoo calmly said.  
  
“Wonu I—“  
  
“No, listen to me.” Wonwoo interrupted him. “I told you his triggers didn’t, I? The things we do, it affects him negatively. It puts negative thoughts in his mind. I think you should stop whatever it is that you have with Soonyoung.”  
  
“No, please—“  
  
“Tell me then, where were you? Why is it that you left him on read?”  
  
“I was— I was busy.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Mingyu saw you. Now I don’t want to believe that you’re—“  
  
“I’m not! Please. I can explain.”  
  
“I don’t care. Jihoon, he can’t handle being ignored, it makes him think of negative thoughts about himself and we both know the reason for that.”  
  
“I- I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry.” Jihoon sobbed. He couldn’t explain what happened because he knew it would make Wonwoo angrier. He felt guilty. Everything was his fault, it was always his fault.  
  
“Jihoon, if you’re not serious—“  
  
“I am! I just made a stupid mistake. Please—“  
  
“What’s going on?” Soonyoung asked by the door of his room. Wonwoo and Jihoon were startled when they saw Soonyoung. They didn’t notice that the other boy woke up.  
  
“Hey Soonie, go back to sleep. I came out for water.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“Oh, okay. Hurry back.” Soonyoung said and went back to the room.  
  
Jihoon clenched his fist in pain when he realized that Soonyoung looked pale, with puffy and reddish eyes probably from crying. He didn’t even bother to look at him. He wanted to strangle himself for causing pain.  
  
“Wonwoo, please. I just had to take care of things and everything’s done. I promise this will never happen again.” Jihoon said.  
  
“I don’t think your promises bear any weight.” Wonwoo bluntly said. He was pissed at Jihoon. He didn’t think that whatever that Jihoon did was an excuse enough to put Soonyoung through all that anxiety. “Go home Jihoon.”  
  
“Wonwoo please—“  
  
“No, because you don’t understand what you just did! Whatever it is that you had to do, it’s never a good enough reason to put Soonyoung through that much anxiety! No reason will be enough. One text would have saved Soonyoung from this! Shit!” Wonwoo snapped. He was angry at Jihoon for putting Soonyoung through that suffering. He thought he already forgave the other, but the old feelings of fear were coming back.  
  
“Wonwoo, please. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Jihoon, I can’t let you—“  
  
“Please, it was a mistake and it won’t happen again. Please. Please let me makes things right. Please.” Jihoon interrupted Wonwoo. He knew he fucked up and he wanted to make things right. He hoped Wonwoo would let him.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
It was the only word that Jihoon needed to hear before he rushed to Soonyoung’s room to ask for forgiveness.  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung waited for Wonwoo. He was getting anxious again and needed reassurance from his best friend. But it was Jihoon who came.  
  
“Soons?”  
  
“What do you want?” Jihoon went near Soonyoung and knelt beside the bed. He tried to take Soonyoung’s hand but the other flinched.  
  
“I— I’m sorry.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Okay, now will you please call Wonwoo.” Soonyoung said.  
  
Jihoon realized just how much his action affected Soonyoung and he felt guiltier. He didn’t realize his tears were already falling.  
  
“Soons, please I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Why? We’re not together, you don’t have to explain anything to me.” Soonyoung said as he hugged himself.  
  


“Please, it won’t happen again. Please. I love you. I love you.” Jihoon cried as knelt in fron of Soonyoung too afraid to move even for a bit.  
  
“Ji, I- I don’t know if I can. I don’t know why but I feel so hurt. I don’t know but it hurts. I don’t know why.” Soonyoung said as he hugged himself and sobbed.  
  
Jihoon pushed through his fears and engulf the other in his arms. The other tried to push him away, but Jihoon made sure to held on as tightly as he could.  
  
“I’m not letting go. Push me away but I will never leave. I’m sorry about today, but it will never happen again. I promise.” Jihoon said holding Soonyoung more tightly.  
  
When Soonyoung didn’t answer, Jihoon continued:  
  
“Please, I’m sorry. Please, give me a chance to prove myself, to prove that I am worthy of you.”  
  
“Ji, I’m the one who’s not worthy. I am worthless. I can easily be disposed. I have nothing to offer. That’s why I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve an answer, I don’t deserve a goodbye. People can leave me and it won’t matter. I don’t matter. So, when you ignored me the whole day, it’s okay. Because I don’t deserve you.” Soonyoung whispered more to himself that to Jihoon.  
  
“Of course not, you’re the most precious person I know. Please stop thinking like that. You’re the most important person in my life. I love you Soons. I love you so much.”  
  
Soonyoung didn’t answer. Jihoon felt guiltier about everything. He realized the depth of Soonyoung’s pain and the effect of what he did in the way that Soonyoung saw himself. He didn’t deserve to be there. He didn’t deserve Soonyoung. Wonwoo was right. Rowoon would not have done what he did. But he no longer had the strength to be away from Soonyoung, he promised himself he’ll do better.  
  
Jihoon held Soonyoung until the latter stopped crying and finally fell asleep in his arms. It was only then that he allowed himself to cry quietly. He hurt Soonyoung and now there’s a big possibility that he’ll lose him.  
  


**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung woke up in Jihoon’s arms. The other boy was holding him so tightly that he couldn’t move an inch.  
  
“Ji, wake up. I can’t breathe.” Soonyoung said as he tried to move away from Jihoon. But Jihoon just continued to hold him.  
  
“Jihoon-“  
  
“I’m sorry, Soons. It will never happen again. I promise. Please don’t leave me.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Ji, I know I overreacted. I don’t realize it at the moment but now that I think about it, I know it’s too much.”  
  
“No, it’s not. You have the right to express just how much I hurt you. Please don’t disregard that. It was my fault, never yours. I’m sorry, it will never happen again.” Jihoon explained.  
  
“It’s just how my mind works, I’m so sorry.”  
  
“No, don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. In fact, you shouldn’t even have to deal with that if I was not stupid. I’m sorry.” Jihoon said still holding onto Soonyoung.  
  
“So, do you want to explain what happened?” Soonyoung noticed Jihoon’s hesitation. He decided to just let things be. He thought he already put Jihoon through so much b*llsh*t. “But explain next time, I really need to pee.”  
  
“I don’t want to let you go.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Ji, the bathroom is just there! I need really need to pee.” Soonyoung laughed but when he saw that Jihoon was serious he stopped. “Then, don’t let me go. I don’t want you to.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes, you drive me crazy Lee Jihoon. I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
“Now, let me go!!!! I really need to go!!” Soonyoung pushed Jihoon with all his strength that Jihoon fell off the bed. He wanted to help the other boy but he really needed to go. So, he left Jihoon on the floor and ran to the comfort room.  
  


**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	56. Remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

Jihoon wanted to make it up to Soonyoung, so planned a short get away to Jeju after the show case. But the company needed him to fly to Japan, so he moved the plan to a later date.  
  
They were hanging out in Jihoon’s studio after a hard day’s work when Jihoon decided to ask Soonyoung.  
  
“Do you want to go on vacation with me?”  
  
“What?”  
  


“I’m supposed to go to Japan for three days. Maybe we can meet at the airport and go to Jeju? I’ll take care of all the arrangements.” Jihoon explained.  
  
“Why are you going to Japan?”  
  
“A friend asked me help for a few songs. He runs a label there. It’ll be just for three days. Then we can go to Jeju?” Jihoon asked again.  
  
“You’re not going to be here for the showcase?”  
  
“I’m leaving the night of the showcase. I’ll stay if you want me to. All you have to do is ask.” Jihoon wanted to reassure Soonyoung that he was his priority no matter what. He should have asked Soonyoung first before agreeing to go to Japan.  
  
“Soons, I don’t have to go. Let’s just go straight to Jeju.”  
  
“No, it’s okay. It’s just that I’ll miss you.” Soonyoung finally responded to Jihoon’s relief.  
  
“Do you want to go with me?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I have work. I also can’t leave early for Chan’s showcase. I promised him a healthy breakfast the next day.”  
  
“Oh, okay. Then should we meet at the airport?” Jihoon sat beside Soonyoung. He reached for Soonyoung hands and played with his hands. He then guided Soonyoung’s hands to his cheek and then kissed his palm.  
  
“I love you. If you’re not comfortable with me leaving, then I’ll stay. You just have to be honest. You’re my priority, Soons.” Jihoon said still holding Soonyoung’s hand to his cheeks. He then kissed each finger, licking Soonyoung’s pinky.  
  
“Ew! Jihoon!”  
  
Jihoon laughed at Soonyoung’s reaction. He then grabbed the other boy and made him sit on his lap, with Soonyoung’s knee on each side, straddling him. He then held Soonyoung by the hips and guided his body down so that’s Soonyoung’s behind was touching Jihoon’s groin. He pulled the other boy closer for a kiss. Soonyoung allowed Jihoon to explore his mouth. Soonyoung responded to the kiss but Jihoon could feel Soonyoung’s hesitation. When Jihoon lowered his hand to cup Soonyoung rear, Soonyoung grabbed his hands to stop.  
  
“I’m sorry, Jihoon. I just need time, that’s all.” Soonyoung whispered. Soonyoung put both his arms around Jihoon’s neck and embraced him. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Hey, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I’m good with this.” Jihoon said. Ever since the night that he did not text Soonyoung or meet him, the other had been distant. He’s physically present, but sometimes his mind is elsewhere. Soonyoung also became timid with his skinship, always stopping Jihoon whenever he tried to take things further than just kissing.  
  
“Do you want dinner? I can grab something in the convenient store.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Sure, but can I explore your computer?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Sure babe, knock yourself out.”  
  


**Jihoon's Computer**

****

**SOONYOUNG**

He didn’t know what’s wrong with him. Ever since that night when Jihoon ignored his messages, he felt himself build up a wall against Jihoon’s advances. He mentally slapped himself. Last week he felt like he was ready to have sex with Jihoon, but now he couldn’t even concentrate during make out sessions. There was this fear lingering in his heart and he didn’t know how to get rid of it.  
  
When Jihoon left to get food, Soonyoung went to Jihoon’s table and started messing with his computer. He checked music file and decided to listen to some of the songs. He came across a folder named ‘KS.’ When he opened the folder, it contained several mp3 files titled: yearning, habit, second life, you never know, and so much more. One file however caught his eye because it was in a folder named ksy0704.

When he opened the folder, it contained several pictures of him and Jihoon next to an mp3 file titled ‘bye bye blue.’

  
  
They were so happy in the pictures. They were on the rooftop of the university. There were pictures of cheap convenient store food, and a couple of sodas. He played the mp3 and heard Jihoon singing a song. It was the most beautiful song he ever heard, but it was also heartbreaking. He felt like everything was starting to close on him, and he felt scared. The next thing he knew he was hastily closing all the files and was running outside the building. When he was met with the cold night air, it was the only time that he could finally breathe.  
  


**JIHOON**

Jihoon was on his way back from the convenient store when he saw Soonyoung ran out of the building. He ran in panic when he saw Soonyoung knelt clutching his chest as he tried to breathe but with difficulty.  
  
“Soonie! What happened?” He asked but Soonyoung did not answer. He just continued to stare at Jihoon with tears falling. Soonyoung suddenly cradled his face before pulling him in into his embrace. Soonyoung embraced Jihoon tightly. Soonyoung’s body was shaking as he sobbed into Jihoon’s shoulder.  
  
“Soon—“  
  
“I missed you. I missed you so much.” Soonyoung muffled whisper was barely audible, but Jihoon heard it.  
  
“I’m here. What’s wrong? Baby?”  
  
Soonyoung just continued to hug Jihoon tightly. When Soonyoung finally calmed enough to talk, he asked Jihoon if he could go home.  
  
“Okay, let me just grab my things.”  
  
“I’ll wait you here.” Soonyoung said.  
  
Jihoon noticed that Soonyoung ran out even without a coat so he removed his and gave it to Soonyoung.  
  
“Okay, don’t worry I’ll be quick.”  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
When they arrived at Soonyoung’s apartment, the Soonyoung pulled Jihoon into his bedroom where he snuggled to Jihoon as he fell asleep.  
  
Jihoon wanted to ask what was that about, but Soonyoung wouldn’t answer him and just clung onto him. The next day, Soonyoung acted like nothing happened but he kept being clingy to Jihoon. He even joined the other in the shower. But despite the clinginess, Jihoon could still feel the wall that Soonyoung built. There was a hint of hesitation on Soonyoung’s part, before he reaches out to Jihoon to hold his hand, for a hug, and even for a kiss.  
  


**Soonyoung's Dump Account**

****

**WONWOO**

They were on the way to Pledis after Soonyoung’s therapy for a second time that week. Soonyoung requested for another session but he wasn’t telling Wonwoo why. Soonyoung just asked Wonwoo if he could drive him.  
  
“What happens when I start to remember things?” Soonyoung asked breaking the silence.  
  
“What do you mean? Do you remember anything?”  
  
“Y- yes. Something.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
“I found the song.”  
  
“What song?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“The one I’ve been dreaming about ever since that night I met with Jihoon. It was just a faint melody mixed in the wind, and I’m on top of a building with lots of light.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes! I remember everything. I remember how there were lights everywhere, and how Jihoon bought convenient store food because we were broke college students. I remember how he sang the song, and I cried, because it was so perfect. Jihoon was perfect. But more importantly I remember the feeling of being loved. Jihoon loved me.” Soonyoung explained, tears welling up in his eyes.  
  
Wonwoo pulled over in order to talk to Soonyoung better. He was getting worried of what’s to come. Soonyoung seemed to be remembering the better parts of his relationship with Jihoon, but his dreams warned him of the stormy side of that relationship. It was what scared Soonyoung, and it was what scared Wonwoo. He was afraid of how Soonyoung will react if he remembers how Jihoon left him without a word.  
  
“But I’m scared of what’s after that memory, what if I can’t take it?” Soonyoung whispered.  
  


Wonwoo grabbed his hands and said:  
  
“You and me against the world remember? I’m not going anywhere. We’ll face it together.”  
  
“You’re my greatest blessing in life, Wonu.”  
  
“And you’re mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	57. The Courage to Move Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung barged into Jihoon’s studio without saying a word and plopped himself on Jihoon’s lap. He gained courage to face whatever will come after his conversation with Wonwoo. More importantly, he gained courage to just follow his heart.  
  
Jihoon was startled but nonetheless wrapped his arms around Soonyoung’s waist. Soonyoung leaned in without any hesitation and gave Jihoon the kiss of a lifetime. They were panting when they separated.  
  
“Wow.” It was the only word that Jihoon could say.  
  
“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Soonyoung asked Jihoon as he played with the latter’s hair.  
  
“Now? Aren’t you busy? The showcase is tomorrow.”  
  
“Jun’s taking care of everything. But if you don’t want to...” Soonyoung said without finishing his sentence but instead bit and licked his lips suggestively while he traced his fingers on Jihoon’s exposed collar bones.  
  
“Of course I want to! Where are we going?” Jihoon gulped. Soonyoung was looking at him like he wanted to jumped him right there and then.  
  
“Well, I’m not telling you. But I promise it’ll be hot.” Soonyoung whispered on Jihoon’s ear brushing his lips and a bit of tongue.  
  
All thought seemed to have vanished from Jihoon and went straight to his groin. He stood up so quickly, forgetting Soonyoung on his lap, that the other boy fell on the floor.  
  
“Yah!”  
  
“Oh my god, babes. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” Jiboon asked as help Soonyoung up.  
  
“I was going to let you have a taste of what it feels to be inside...” Soonyoung wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “But I changed my mind.” Soonyoung said as he rubbed his butt, having fallen on the floor.  
  
“What? Why?” Jihoon asked perplexed with just how quickly Soonyoung changes his mind.  
  


“Because I don’t need you anymore, my ass already hurts as it is!”  
  
“What no?” Jihoon said as Soonyoung tried to walk away. “Let’s go. I’ll kiss those pain away.”  
  
Soonyoung blushed at the implication but they continued laughing as they went out to finally go on their date.  
  


**JIHOON**

When Soonyoung said they were going somewhere hot, he thought they were going to a hotel or something. He was expecting hot and wild date night. He didn’t expect a place that was literally hot.

Soonyoung brought him to a sauna.  
  


**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

He grumply sat at the floor while he ate js boiled eggs. Soonyoung was laughing at him.  
  
“Oh come on Ji, it’s going to fun.”  
  
“I was expecting a different kind of fun.” Jihoon said as he munch his boiled egg and sipped in his iced sikhye.  
  
“Behave well today and then maybe we’ll do that kind of fun.”  
  
“No, you’re not going to fool me twice.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Okay, if you say so.” Soonyoung ran away from Jihoon towards the mud bath room.  
  
“I’m not going in there.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Fine. Just don’t expect me to spread my legs for you.” Soonyoung said with a smirk and walked to the door.  
  
“You and your mouth, really! Fine!” Jihoon said as he followed Soonyoung to the room.  
  
“But you love my mouth, especially when—“ Jihoon kissed him before he could finish his sentence and pulled him inside the mud bath room.

They spent the rest of the day just exploring the sauna, enjoying their advanced mini vacation just by being together.

**Soonyoung Instagram Post (Scoups -- > supposed to be Soonyoung)**

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

****

**SOONYOUNG**

After the sauna, Soonyoung insisted that they buy clothes and dress up. They separated to go shopping and decided to meet in front of the Lotte Tower where Soonyoung had reservations for a restaurant.  
  
They both blushed when they finally see each other.  
  
Soonyoung was dressed in a dark blue suit with a white dress shirt under and black shoes. His shirt was unbuttoned and his tie loose around his neck. He also folded his sleeves that gave it an overall messy but sexy look.

Jihoon couldn’t help but lick his lips when he saw how hot Soonyoung was.

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

****

“Yah! I told you to dress up.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“I did!” Jihoon pouted. He was simply dressed in slacks and a white short sleeves henley shirt, a shirt with a short placket and round neckline with no collar.  
Two of the top buttons were loosed exposing Jihoon’s neck. He wore a cap over the whole outfit.

“Well, not like this. I— i meant, a suit.”  
  


“If you don’t like it why are you blushing then?” Jihoon asked. He noticed how Soonyoung stared at his exposed neck and gulped.  
  
“Oh come on!” Soonyoung said and pulled Jihoon towards the building.  
  
  
  


**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

****

Soonyoung and Jihoon went to eat dinner in a restaurant called Stay. It was a chic french restaurant located 81st floor of the Lotte Tower. The interiors were bright and spritely with gold trimmings and marble tiles.

They looked at the menu and decided to just order the most expensive dinner course even though they had no idea as to what they are. They didn’t know half of the item in their menu but they enjoyed every bit of it.  
  


**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

****

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

“I didn’t know what most of that was but it tasted good.” Jihoon said as he gave Soonyoung one of his heart stopping smiles. Soonyoung acrossed the table reached for Jihoon’s hand and gave it a kiss.  
  
“I’m glad you liked it.” Soonyoung said still holding Jihoon’s hand.  
  
“What’s the occassion?” Jihoon asked. Soonyoung lowered his eyes, avoiding Jihoon’s eyes. “Come on Soons.”  
  
“I just felt like this past couple of days, we were— I was—“ Soonyoung hesitated before continuing. “I just realized that these past couple of days, I was scared. But I’m not anymore. I want to be with you, Ji. I want to be with you because I am in love with you.”  
  
“I love you too.” Jihoon said.  
  
“So, since you’re leaving tomorrow night, I wanted to spend more time with you.”  
  
“Promise to meet me after three days at the airport?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I promise.” They sealed it with a kiss and continued eating their dinner. They discussed their daily life some more.  
  
Soonyoung wanted to tell Jihoon that he remembered that they were together before. But he didn’t. He just wanted to enjoy the present. He wanted to be with Jihoon at the present time. He knew that his feeling started with the influence of the past, but the more he got to know Jihoon in the present, he was more convinced that he is also in love with the present Jihoon. 

As for what happened after they got together and why they separated, Soonyoung decided that it was a question for another day. He still doesn't remember anything about how or why they separated, but he was just happy that they found each other again. 

**JIHOON**

After dinner, Soonyoung excused himself to pay for the bill and head to the men’s room. Jihoon waited for him by the table, just enjoying the ambient. He enjoyed the night with Soonyoung and wished there were more nights like this to come.  
  
He was busy thinking about how Soonyoung looked hot when he heard his phone received a new message.  
  


**Soonyoung to Jihoon**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	58. Yours and Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

🔞

**JIHOON**

When Jihoon opened the door, Soonyoung grabbed him and pushed him to the bed but feet still on the floor while his knee hit the edge of the bed, his legs hanging by the side of the bed. Soonyoung then removed Jihoon’s shoes and threw them somewhere across the room. Jihoon gulped when he realized that Soonyoung was only in his white dress shirt which was long enough to cover his hips and boxers. Soonyoung then stood on the bed, both feet on Jihoon’s side.  
  
“Uhm, what are you doing?” Jihoon asked as Soonyoung took photos of him while standing above him.  
  
“I just wanted a photo of you—“  
  
Soonyoung stopped talking when he felt Jihoon’s hands slowly tracing his legs until his hand reach the back of his knee.

Jihoon also took his phone and took a picture of Soonyoung standing above him.

**Soonyoung's Post on his Private Account**

**Jihoon's Post on Soonyoung's Private Account**

  
  
“I’m not into exhibitionism Soonyoung.” Jihoon said as Soonyoung put away his phone. “But if you’re into that thing who am I to deny you. I’ll live my life with the goal of making you smile, and making you happy.”  
  


Soonyoung knelt with both knees on the Jihoon’s side, enclosing the latter in between his thighs. He then hover over Jihoon with both arms extended and his palms pressed down on the bed, on each side of Jihoon’s head, that there was space between their bodies.  
  
“Everything you want, I’ll strive to give. Every tear you cry, I’ll wipe away. I’ll kiss away your pains, and turn your frowns into smiles. If there will come a time when you’ll wish me away, then I will strive to love you from afar. All you have to do, with me, is ask. I love you. My heart and all of me is yours whether you like it or not. So, will you be mine? Be my boyfriend?” Jihoon asked under Soonyoung.  
  
Soonyoung did not answer but leaned in an gave Jihoon a soft kiss.  
  
“You talk too much.”  
  
“And you avoid questions.” Jihoon retorted, breath hitching when Soonyoung started brushing his nose on the side of Jihoon’s jaw.  
  
“I... love.. you... Jihoon..” Soonyoung slowly said emphasizing each word by leaving open mouth kisses and softly licking Jihoon’s neck while he allowed his body to now completely pressed down on Jihoon’s, making the other boy moan softly from the contact.  
  
“I love the way you whimper whenever I this.” Soonyoung said as he brushed their clothe groins together, making Jihoon whimper from the soft contact.  
  
“I love every inch of you Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung said as he moved his kisses downward. Jihoon covered his eyes when Soonyoung found the exposed skin between his shirt and pants giving it soft suck and bite, while Soonyoung’s hand moved his shirt upward revealing more skin. Soonyoung the moved his kisses upwards until his mouth found Jihoon’s buds, giving them soft licks and then eliciting a moan from Jihoon when Soonyoung bit and sucked on them.  
  


Soonyoung stopped his ministrations to remove Jihoon’s shirt. He then went back to devouring Jihoon’s neck, leaving marks along the way.  
  
“That doesn’t answer my question.” Jihoon said. His mind was already hazy from pleasure but he needed to hear Soonyoung’s answer.  
  
“Jihoon—“  
  
“Stop teasing me.” Jihoon said as he tried to push Soonyoung away. He couldn’t help but tear up a little when Soonyoung remained silent for a minute. When Soonyoung noticed Jihoon’s tears, he kissed them away.  
  
“Jihoon, I was just trying to find the words. I am completely overwhelmed with this feeling that I can’t find the words to explain. I’m sorry if you thought I was trying to avoid that. I was yours and I am always yours.”  
  
“Is that a yes?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Yes, so now can I go back to showing just how much I love you?” Soonyoung asked and leaned in again for a kiss, tongues dancing through the beat of their own hearts. He shifted his position and set his knees on either side of Jihoon. Soonyoung sucked on Jihoon’s tongue as he began to rub his crotch against the other. Jihoon shivered in pleasure when Soonyoung rutted hard against his groin.  
  
“Jihoonie, I want to taste you..” Jihoon whimpered. He was already so hard that a wet patch of precum was already staining his pant.  
  
Jihoon shuddered in anticipation as he raised himself on his elbows and watched Soonyoung shimmied down to the lower part of his body. Soonyoung removed his pants and underwear in one swoop.  
  
Soonyoung then knelt in front of Jihoon and reached for Jihoon’s already hardened manhood. He took Jihoon into his hand and started lazily jerking him off with the help of a bit of Jihoon’s precum. Jihoon sighs, his hands clenched beside him. Soonyoung’s other hand hold down one of his thighs, spreading his legs wider. He leaned in closer traces kisses on his inner thighs. Jihoon was already breathing hard when his hands found their way on Soonyoung’s hair.  
  
Soonyoung started at the tip, licking off the salty precum with his tongue. He then sucked on the head slowly at first. Jihoon let out a loud moan when without any warning, Soonyoung put Jihoon’s entirety in his mouth and sucked hard.  
  
“Soonyoung.. I’m going to..” Jihoon was breathing harder. He didn’t finish his sentence when Soonyoung started bobbing his head. Soonyoung flattened his tongue and everytime he sucked, he tried to take in Jihoon deeper and further, until the head hit his throat. Soonyoung then would go back to sucking on the tip, which made Jihoon whine a little and buck his hips upward, until Soonyoung took him entirely again.  
  
“Baby, I’m..” Jihoon was not able to finish as he shook under Soonyoung’s touch releasing his load on the latter’s mouth.  
  
He then grabbed Soonyoung for a kiss.  
  
“I can taste myself on you.” Jihoon said as he devoured Soonyoung’s tongue with his. “Soons, I know I’m on restriction and—“  
  
“I want to have sex.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Yes, I wouldn’t have booked this place for a simple blow job, you know. We could always do that anywhere. I want you.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“What do you want me to do?”  
  
“I want you inside me or me inside you. Either way, I want you.” Soonyoung said and blushed despite himself.  
  
“Well, we have all night. We can do both.” Jihoon smiled as he pressed Soonyoung on the bed.

**🟢**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo laid on bed and stared at the ceiling. His bestfriend was currently having his night out with Jihoon. He wanted to stop Soonyoung, but he knew that what Soonyoung needed the most right now was his support. He missed Mingyu.  
  


**Wonwoo to Jun**

****

Wonwoo knew he shouldn’t have texted Jun. But somehow the other boy seemed to comfort him whenever he was feeling down. He contemplated texting Mingyu as he browsed his instagram feed, but the thought disappeared when he saw a post of Mingyu with his new friend.

**Mingyu's Instagram Post**

****

  
  
It was a good thing that Mingyu was moving one, he thought, maybe he needs to the same thing.  
  
He was starting to get drowsy after a while but was startled when someone jumped on the bed with him.

“Missed me?” Jun asked laughing at Wonwoo’s alarmed expression.  
  
“Yah! You almost gave me a heart attack!” Wonwoo said and pushed Jun off the bed. He then stood up and pulled Jun with him.  
  
“Where are we going?”  
  
“I didn’t call you here to sleep with you.”  
  
“I merely ask where we’re going and you think I have intentions of—“ Jun said.  
  
“Shut up. I just want to drink. Let’s go out.”  
  
“Fine. But let’s just stay here, I’m really exhausted.” Jun asked.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They spent the rest of the night drinking cheap wine and watching old movies. When Jun snuggled closer to him and wrapped his arms around Wonwoo, he felt good. It felt good to be wanted and comforted.  
  


**MINGYU**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

****

Mingyu was spending time with his friend from school: Jungkook, Yugyeom, and Eunwoo. They were talking about relationships in general when his phone notified him of a new instagram post by Jun. It was a sleeping Wonwoo, with Jun’s hands visible on the picture. Jun must have taken the picture while they lie beside each other, Mingyu thought.  
  
“Yah! Kim Mingyu! Are you okay?” Eunwoo asked.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Wonwoo getting it hot woth that Jun guy again?” Jungkook asked him.  
  
“Something like that.”  
  
“Then you shouldn’t have asked me to make him jealous, the dude probably thought you moved on, so now he’s moving on.”  
  
They were startled when Mingyu slammed his hand on the table when he realized that Eunwoo must be right.  
  
“Shit!”  
  
“Calm down. I’m sure that they’re just friends.” Yugyeom said.  
  
“I gotto go.” Mingyu said and left his friends with one goal in mind, make sure that Wonwoo don’t move on from him.  
  


🔞

**JIHOON**

Jihoon flipped Soonyoung on the bed and pulled his shirt half way down exposing his shoulder and half his back. However, he did not remove the shirt.  
  
“I want to take this off.” Soonyoung said as he lay on bed face down with Jihoon hovering over him.  
  
“No, I kind of like this shirt on you and I love how it exposes your skin little by little.” Jihoon said as pressed his groin on Soonyoung’s ass. He then left open mouth kisses on Soonyoung back, leaving several marks on his otherwise unblemished skin. He trailed kisses over his exposed spine until he reached the helm of his boxers which Jihoon swiftly removed. Jihoon then gave both of Soonyoung’s ass cheeks kisses. He playfully slapped and bit them illiciting complaints from Soonyoung.  
  
“Jihoonie stop playing or I’ll close down the gates of pleasure.” Soonyoung joked.  
  
“You talk too much Soonyoungie. On all fours, tiger.” Soonyoung complied and Jihoon pulled the other boy closer to him. Jihoon then runs his hands all over Soonyoung’s thigh then gave his cheeks another slap before stretching his cheeks apart. Jihoon left open mouth kisses on each cheek making Soonyoung groan loudly from lack of direct stimulation.  
  
“Jihoon..”  
  
“Yes, baby?”  
  
“Please..”  
  
“Please what?” Jihoon asked and teasingly blew on Soonyoung’s opening.  
  
“I want your mouth on me!” Soonyoung whined, and Jihoon finally licked around Soonyoung hole further teasing the other boy.  
  
“Jihoon.. I swear to-“ But Soonyoung was not able to finish his sentence since Jihoon pressed his tongue against his entrance making Soonyoung moan in satisfaction. Jihoon then licked Soonyoung’s entrance then thrust his tongue in and out of Soonyoung’s hole. Soonyoung trembled from the sensation and reached for his manhood.  
  
When Jihoon noticed, he swatted Soonyoung’s hand away.  
  
“Don’t touch what’s mine tiger.” Jihoon said jaw slicked with saliva from eating Soonyoung out. He then went back to fucking Soonyoung with his tongue, while on his hand slowly jerked Soonyoung off, making the other boy groan in satisfaction.  
  


🟢

**MINGYU**

Mingyu arrived at Wonwoo’s apartment and just wanted to burst inside. But he knew that the proper thing to do was ring the bell, so he did, over and over again.  
  
“Oh my God! I’m coming!” Wonwoo shouted from the inside. Wonwoo was just wearing pajama bottoms with no top when he opened the door. His hair was messaed up and his cheeks were res. Wonwoo’s face revealed just how shocked he was to see Mingyu.  
  
When Mingyu looked at Wonwoo’s state, all self control left him and he pushed Wonwoo aside and went into the apartment. When he found noone in the living room, he burst into Wonwoo’s bedroom but no one was there.  
  
“What the fuck Kim Mingyu? I know we’re close but that doesn’t mean—“  
  
“Where’s Jun?” Mingyu interrupted Wonwoo.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Where the fuck is Jun?” Mingyu snapped.  
  
“Where the fuck is Eunwoo?” Wonwoo retaliated.  
  
“Why are you even here Mingyu? Shouldn’t you be out with your new boy toy?” Wonwoo asked and glared at Mingyu.  
  
“What about Jun then?” Mingyu challenged.  
  
“What about him?”  
  
“Where is he?”  
  
“How should I know? Probably with Minghao. They left like an hour ago.” Wonwoo snapped and walked away but Mingyu followed him.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Mingyu-ah, I’m so tired. I want to sleep. Go home.”  
  
“You’re not with Jun?”  
  
“We’re just friends’ asshole.”  
  
“Wonu hyung, I’m not with Eunwoo. He’s just a really good friend.” Mingyu explained. “I just asked him if we could make you jealous.”  
  
“Why the fuck would you do that?!”  
  
“Because I—“  
  
“Why do keep testing me, Mingyu? Why do you keep testing whether my feelings are real or not? You never really really did trust my feelings for you. When I told you I love you, I fucking meant it. So, why do you keep putting me through tests over and over again?”  
  
“Hyung—“  
  
“Just go home. I’m tired.” Then just like that Wonwoo walked away from Mingyu. He went to his room and shut the door on an already crying Mingyu.  
  


🔞

**JIHOON/SOONYOUNG**

“Babe, stop. I want you and I want to see you.” Soonyoung said. Jihoon stopped his ministrations and flipped Soonyoung so that his back is pressed on the bed. Jihoon crawled on top of Soonyoung and kissed him.  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
“When we go to Jeju, let’s just stay in the room and just do this all the time. I love how you taste.” Jihoon said as he kissed Soonyoung.  
  
“Yeah, babe. Less talking, and more doing please. I’m so hard.” Soonyoung whined.  
  
Jihoon laughed at his whining boyfriend and got to work.  
  
“Do you have—“  
  
“Side table.” Soonyoung interrupted him. Jihoon grabbed the lube from the side table. Soonyoung spread his legs apart for Jihoon, who sat facing Soonyoung both of the other boys legs on resting on his thighs.  
  
“Do you want my mouth while we prep?” Jihoon asked as he coat his fingers liberally with lube.  
  
“Jihoon..” Soonyoung complained but stopped when felt a finger slipped inside him while precum comes out of his hard manhood. Soonyoung stayed quiet, trying to control his breathing and relax to get use to the feeling.  
  
“Babe?”  
  
“I’m good. Move please.” Soonyoung said trying to control the shakiness of his voice. So, Jihoon slowly moved his finger until he felt Soonyoung relaxed to the feeling.  
  
“Another one.”  
  
Soonyoung teared up a little when Jihoon slipped in the second finger. To distract Soonyoung, Jihoon started kissing his inner thighs, which ilicit a sigh of contenment from Soonyoung. But Soonyoung stiffened again and squeezed his eyes when Jihoon stretched his fingers inside him in scissoring motions. Without saying a word, Jihoon licked the slit of Soonyoung manhood then sucked on the head. He then took Soonyoung entirely in his mouth as his fingers stretched him out.  
  
“Better?” Jihoon asked as he massaged Soonyoung’s balls with his tongue.  
  
“Ye- Oh that feels good.” Soonyoung could still feel the sting but he was completely distracted by Jihoon’s mouth.  
  
When Jihoon felt Soonyoung was relaxed enough, he added a third finger, slowly moving and patiently waiting for Soonyoung to adjust to the intrusion. Soonyoung then let out a loud moan when the pad’s of Jihoon’s finger brushed again the other boy’s prostate. Jihoon stopped mouthing Soonyoung and watched the other’s expression.  
  
“Jihoon.. There..” Soonyoung moaned. Jihoon continued rubbing his finger along that spot. Jihoon’s manhood twitch as he watched Soonyoung slowly fucked himself with Jihoon’s fingers.  
  
“I want you now.” Soonyoung demanded.  
  
“Say please.”  
  
Soonyoung opened his eyes and glared at Jihoon. But complied to the command.  
  
“Please boyfriend.” Soonyoung said as he moaned when Jihoon hit the spot again. Hearing Soonyoung moan the word boyfriend made Jihoon even harder.  
  
“Can I be on top?” Soonyoung asked. “Please.” He quickly added.  
  
Jihoon quickly changed their position. He helped Soonyoung straddle him as he rested his back on the bed rest. Soonyoung grabbed the lube and lathered his manhood.  
  
Soonyoung aligned himself on top of Jihoon’s shaft. Jihoon supported Soonyoung’s weight as he lowered himself, until he bottomed out.  
  
“Babe, you’re so tight. You feel so good.” Jihoon said.  
  
Soonyoung started moving slowly at first both hands rested on Jihoon’s shoulder. Soonyoung started rolling his hips as Jihoon watched Soonyoung lustfully.  
When Soonyoung lifted himself up, Jihoon bucked his hips up as Soonyoung slammed down on his shaft.  
  
“There!” Soonyoung said. “Baby please..” Jihoon could see that Soonyoung was already so close so he bucked his hips upward hitting Soonyoung’s prostate over and over again.  
  
Jihoon covered Soonyoung shaft with his hand and jerked him off in time with his thrusts until Soonyoung was releasing his load on Jihoon’s stomach. Soonyoung panted as he lie on Jihoon’s chest.  
  
“Are you still okay?”  
  
“Yes, of course.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
“May I?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
So, Jihoon switched their position without taking his hardened manhood out of Soonyoung. Jihoon then started thrusting in and out of Soonyoung still aiming at that one spot that made Soonyoung see stars from pleasure.  
  
“Ah Jihoon, shit!” Soonyoung shuddered from the sensation. Soonyoung started getting hard again despite just recently cumming, from the overstimulation of his prostate. Soonyoung wrapped his legs around Jihoon and squeezed his manhood that it made Jihoon climaxed releasing his load inside Soonyoung. Jihoon continued moving until Soonyoung was having another orgasm but this time dry.  
  
Jihoon buried his face on Soonyoung’s neck before raising his head and kissing Soonyoung slowly savouring the moment.  
  
“I love you, Kwon Soonyoung.”  
  
“I love you too.”

"You're mine." Jihoon said.

"Yes." 

"I am yours." Jihoon continued

"Yes, you are mine." Soonyoung answered.

They laughed at their sappiness and they spent the rest of the night just letting each other know just how much they were crazy about each other, but mostly focused on making love until they fell asleep in each others arms.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	59. Debut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

****

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was waiting for his friends T the lobby. It was the day of the day of the showcase. Everything was set so there wasn’t much left to do except attend and support Chan. Soonyoung still couldn’t believe that he’s finally officially together with Jihoon. He smiled when he thought about the night they just spent together. He still hasn’t told Jihoon about remembering the night on the rooftop. So far, that was all he remembered. He wanted to wait some more for his mind to reveal more memories with Jihoon. He also kept asking himself why of all the memories, the ones that his mind hid from him were ones of Jihoon. But most importantly, he thought about how they broke up. He was scared that he might have hurt Jihoon in the past or maybe they separated because he forgot about him. He wanted to ask Wonwoo but the other boy was tight lipped when it’s about the past.  
  
His friends arrived on the venue in time. They exchanged greetings before he escorted them inside.  
  
“Where’s Jihoon and Seungcheol?” Jeonghan asked as they walked to their seats.  
  
“Oh they’re probably at the back. They’re probably making last minute adjustments.” Soonyoung before taking their seats near the stage.  
  
“Hyung, are we also going to the after party?” Seungkwan asked.  
  
“There’s no after party, just dinner. Some of the members are minor, so they can’t party and they have to rest by 10 pm.” Soonyoung explained as Seungkwan pouted in disappointment.  
  
When the showcase was about to start, Seungkwan scooted over for Jihoon and Seungcheol.  
  
“Hello boyfriend.” Jihoon whispered on Soonyoung’s ear before giving him a peck on the cheeks. Soonyoung giggled from happiness and took Jihoon’s hands.  
  
“Hello back to you boyfriend.” Soonyoung said as he quickly kissed Jihoon’s hand.  
  
“You guys are going to give me cavities.” Seungkwan whispered to both of them.  
  
To which Jihoon and Soonyoung just quietly laughed.  
  


**JIHOON**

Jihoon was happy. He couldn’t believe that Soonyoung agreed to be with him again, this time he promised himself he wouldn’t allow anything to get in the way of their relationship, not even the chance to manage his own music company.  
  
  


**Flashback**

He was finishing up his work and was supposed to meet Soonyoung at the rehearsals when he was called to the CEO’s office.  
  
“Jihoon, come in.” Hyukjae said.  
  
Jihoon was shocked that it was not only Hyukjae who was inside his office. Sitting on one of the lounge chairs was his old friend Kang Daniel.  
  
“Yah! What are you doing here?” Jihoon asked as he walked towards the other boy smiling. They both hugged before laughing at the coincidence of it all.  
  
“You both know each other?” Hyukjae asked.  
  
“Yes sir. We went to the same college in New York and we were roommates.” Daniel responded.  
  
“Just roommates?” Hyukjae teased.  
  
“Yes sir, Jihoonie here is very loyal his one great love.” Daniel laughed, to Jihoon’s embarassment.  
  
“Wow, one great love. I’d like to hear more of that story. Let’s go.”  
  
“Where are we going hyung? I’m supposed to be at the rehearsals.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Oh, I’m sure they can handle it. Don’t worry about it. Seungcheol’s there.” Hyukjae said as the ushered the two outside of his office. He then drove them to a posh restaurant slash bar.  
  
Jihoon kept wondering what the meeting was about. He felt his phone vibrate in his pockets, when he was about to check it, Hyukjae addressed him.  
  
“Jihoon, I think you’re doing a great job with this group. The songs are perfect.” Hyukjae said.  
  
“Thank you, sir.” But Jihoon felt that there was more to the statement that Hyukjae was not saying. He hope they’d move on quickly. Soonyoung was waiting for him.  
  
“Anyways, in lieu of our goals to become worldwide. I’m sending this new group to Japan and then New York. We established a global sub label in New York.” Jihoon was getting nervous as to where the conversation was heading.  
  
“Anyways, you said in your interview was always to run your own music company. Maybr you can start with this one? Both you and Daniel can be Co-Ceos of the sub label in New York.” Hyukjae said.  
  
To say that Jihoon was shocked was an understatement.  
  
“Dude, this has been our dream! Now it’s finally here!” Daniel said excitedly. “I told Hyukjae hyung, that we can sign the papers any time.”  
  
“What?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Daniel said that this is a done deal. So preparations are made and this is our very own contratulatory party.” Hyukjae said. “Congratulations.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“What?” Daniel asked.  
  
“I’m sorry. I know this is a great opportunity but I want to stay here.” Jihoon said to a shocked Daniel.  
  
“Why don’t you think about it first?” Hyukjae said.  
  
“Jihoon, this is our dream.” Daniel said and reached out for Jihoon’s hands.  
  
“No, at least not anymore.” Jihoon said. “I’m sorry hyung but I really want to stay here.”  
  
“Jihoon, you’re the most competent person for the job and whatever or whomever is your reason for wanting to stay here I know that person will understand. Now say you’ll think about it. I won’t take no for an answer. I’m sorry but business is business and I prefer my employees loyal to the vision of the company.”  
  
“Yes, sir.” Jihoon responded.  
  
Hyukjae excused himself saying he needed to go and meet his husband somewhere. They said their goodbyes and Jihoon was left alone with Daniel.  
  
“What the fuck Jihoon? This is it. This is our dream. Whatever is holding you back it’s not worth it.” Daniel said as he ordered another round of drinks for them.  
  
Jihoon took a shot at whatever alcohol drink that Daniel ordered and said: “Maybe it was one of my goals, but to call it a dream, that’s farfetched. I finally understood how Soonyoung could give up his scholarship before because I feel it now. My only dream is to spend my life with Soonyoung, no matter where it is and whatever my job is. I’m not going to make the same mistake twice.”  
  
“Do you realize that you’ll probably lose your job if you say no?” Daniel said.  
  
“They can’t fire me, I have a contract.”  
  
“Yeah, a contract which allows the company to assign you anywhere that’s needed.” Daniel said. “Either that or you pay the contract termination fee, which would bankrupt you if you don’t ask help from your parents which I know you wouldn’t do.” Daniel explained.  
  
“Whatever, I’m not leaving Soonyoung. I just got him back. I’ll do whatever it takes.”  
  
He knew deep down that it was one of his goals and he wanted to say yes. But Soonyoung needed him. It was like fate was testing him again, checking if he’d choose the same road as before even when his first choice led to him losing his one great love. But this time, he knew that nothing will ever convince him to be away from Soonyoung again.  
  
**End of Flashback**

“Earth to Jihoon!” Soonyoung whispered in his ear. The showcase was almost done and he had to leave for his flight to Japan.  
Jihoon tightened his grip on Soonyoung’s hand. He was never going to let go he told himself.  
  
That’s why he didn’t tell Soonyoung that the Japan trip was an attempt to appease Hyukjae to allow him to stay in Korea or else he’s going to have to terminate his contract with Pledis. He was ready to do anything, for Soonyoung.  
  


“Have I told you today that I love you?” Jihoon asked as he leaned closer to Soonyoung who smiled at his boyfriend’s sentimentality.  
  
“You changed, Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung said. “You used to hate declarations of love and pdas, now you’re the one initiating it.”  
  
Jihoon stiffened when he heard it. He thought that Soonyoung must have remembered their past relationship, when it was Soonyoung who was chasing him and was always the first one to show affection.  
  
“Used to?” Jihoon asked, deciding to play it safe.  
  
“Yeah? Whatever we were before Jihoon, I feel that I was the one who chased you.” Soonyoung simply said.  
  
Jihoon knew better than to insist for Soonyoung to expound on the statement, so he let it go. He knew the other boy will tell him eventually.  
  
“Well, get used to it. Because this is me now. Lee Jihoon is very much in love with you and he’s not afraid to show it.” Jihoon said as he leaned in giving Soonyoung a kiss despite being surrounded by people to Seungkwan’s dismay.  
  


**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was looking for his bestfriend who disappeared with Jihoon after the showcase. He was about to give up when he heard muffled giggles in the supply closet. When he opened the door he found Soonyoung pushed against the wall, both legs draped around Jihoon’s waist as the latter peppered Soonyoung’s neck with kisses.  
  
When Soonyoung saw him, he didn’t even have the audacity to be embarassed but instead waved at him.  
  
“Babe, Wonu’s watching.” Soonyoung said laughing as he tried to stop Jihoon from kissing him. Jihoon just continued his ministrations and even grinded their groins together just to make a point.  
  
“Let him watch.” Jihoon growled.  
  
“Seriously, you two. Come on, everyone’s waiting.” Wonwoo said who turned his back to avoid seeing his friends grind against each other.  
  
“Babe, you still need to drop by the company before you leave for the airport.” Soonyoung reminded him which actually made Jihoon stop on his neck but instead passionately kissed Soonyoung on the lips. They were panting when they separated.  
  
“I miss you already.” Jihoon said and buried his face on the crook of Soonyoung’s neck.  
  
“I miss you too already.”  
  
“I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.”  
  
Wonwoo smiled at just how sappy Jihoon has become. It was like the world turn upside down and instead of Soonyoung always chasing after Jihoon, it was the other way around. Jihoon had become more expressive, declaring his love for Soonyoung ever chance he gets.  
  
He finally separated the two. Jihoon headed back to the company, while he and Soonyoung went to the dinner celebration.  
  


**JIHOON**

Jihoon headed straight to the company to retrieve the files he needed for the trip. Daniel was going to meet him at the airport. But to his surprised Daniel was waiting for him outside the company building.  
  
“Ji! I have the files, and the contract. Hyukjae Hyung wants them signed by the time we return from Japan.” Daniel said.  
  
“I told you I’m not going.”  
  
“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I can’t believe you’re giving this up for—“  
  
“For love?” Jihoon interrupted Daniel. “I once gave up love for what I thought was also a once in a lifetime opportunity. But I was wrong, there’s a thousand opportunities for work and everything else. The real once in a lifetime opportunity is finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and I’m not crazy to give that up.”  
  
Daniel shooked his head and laughed.  
  
“You really are a sap, Lee Jihoon. I’ll talk Hyukjae Hyung, okay?”  
  
“Thank you.” Daniel then leaned in for hug so Jihoon hugged him back.  
  
“I hope you don’t regret it in the long run.” Daniel said as he kissed Jihoon’s temple.  
  
“I’m sure I won’t.” Jihoon said and Daniel finally released him from the embrace. They boarded not noticing that someone saw the exchange.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	60. It's All Coming Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made mistake in the ending, adding a couple of paragraphs ones I forgot to add.
> 
> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**⛔️**

**⛔️**

**SOONYOUNG**

**Soonyoung's Secret Dump Account**

Soonyoung found himself in front of the Hangang Bridge. He didn’t know how he got there, but he must have walked. He was still shocked by what happened. Time stopped and took all of his emotions. He couldn’t even muster a tear, despite knowing that Jihoon just left for Japan without telling him that he was moving to New York.  
  


🟢

**Flashback**

They were in a posh restaurant for dinner to celebrate debut of the company’s new group. But Soonyoung was feeling down. He was already missing Jihoon. Seungcheol and Hyukjae were talking at another table. They were talking about a promotion.  
  
“Soonyoung-ah! Great job as usual with the choreo!” Hyukjae said.  
  
“Thanks hyung!”  
  
“It’s too bad Jihoon’s not here. So, we can all celebrate. You both work so well together.”  
  
“Yes, hyung. It’s too bad.” Soonyoung smiled at Hyukjae, but what he wanted to do was yell at the other to stop sending his boyfriend away from him.  
  
“Yeah, he needs to prepare for New York. That’s why I sent them first to Japan. I’m meeting them tomorrow.” Hyukjae said.  
  
“New York? Them?” Soonyoung said confused.  
  
“Jihoon and Daniel. They’re going to be the heads of our new sub label in New York. Jihoon’s perfect for the job. Besides, he used to live in the States, this will be a perfect oppotunity for him to go.” Hyukjae explained.  
  
“So, he took the job?” Soonyoung asked, stomach churning nervously. This was definitely something that Soonyoung didn’t tell him.  
  
“Yeah, that’s why he agreed to go to Japan.”  
  
Soonyoung’s mind suddenly went blank in fear. He was hit with a sense of dejavu. It was difficult for him to let Jihoon go on a trip because he was scared and now that Jihoon lied to him even after the promises they made before, it scared him even more.  
  
He silently left the table. He avoided Wonwoo’s eyes because he was sure that the other would know that something was wrong. He went out the back exit and headed for the company.  
  
When he arrived he saw Jihoon in an embrace with a familiar looking guy, it must be Daniel, he thought. It was a friendly hug and nothing more but Soonyoung felt his stomach drop.  
  
He tried to call out to Jihoon, to stop him from leaving and to beg if needed, but he felt his body go numb and every one of his senses shut down. He couldn’t move. He was rooted in place and could not even utter a single word, as the love of his life walked away from him. His mind full of haze, protected him from the pain.  
  


**End of Flashback**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was enjoying the performance when he got a call from Soonyoung.

**Wonwoo and Soonyoung's Phone Conversation**

But his friend was no longer answering. He ran outside to the confusion of everyone in the restaurant. He luckily got a cab and hope for the best that he wasn’t too late, just like the last time.  
  


**⛔️**

**SOONYOUNG**

Hearing Wonwoo brought Soonyoung back to reality that his mind started functioning again. The haze completely disappearing, his heart recognizing Wonwoo as a person he can be vulnerable with.  
  
Everthing disappeared and Soonyoung was attacked by searing pain in his chest. His breathing had already become labored. His tears completely invading his eyes. Pain came crashing through his heart like a wave that couldn’t be stopped and all he wanted was to drown in the abyss and never come back.

🟢

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was in a state of panic. He was on a cab on the way to look for Soonyoung in Hangang Bride. Hopefully, he’s not too late. He tried calling Soonyoung again but it went straigh to voice mail. When they were nearing the area where Soonyoung’s attempt happened, he saw his bestfriend sitting on the floor with his back leaning on the bride railing. He was hugging his knees to himself.  
  
Wonwoo immediately asked the driver to stop and paid him, then went out of the car and ran to Soonyoung. He knelt in front of his bestfriend who immediately buried himself on Wonwoo’s chest. Wonwoo drape his arms around Soonyoung pulling him closer for an embrace.  
  
“It’s okay. I’m here. We’re okay Soonie. You’re okay. We’ll face it together.” Wonwoo said hugging Soonyoung tighter.  
  
He let go of Soonyoung for a while and took off his coat to drape on the other and embraced him again.  
  
Soonyoung just continued sobbing in Wonwoo’s arms. Wonwoo wanted to ask what happened, but he knew the other needed space and it’s better not to push Soonyoung to talk.  
  
They stayed like that for a long time, until Wonwoo felt Soonyoung’s sobs finally subsided.  
  
“Wonu?”  
  
“Soons?”  
  
“Let’s go home.”  
  
So, Wonwoo stood up with Soonyoung still in his arms. He hailed a cab to take them home. Soonyoung clung to Wonwoo the whole time they were driving home. Upon arriving, they went to Soonyoung’s room were both friends temporarily escaped the it bleak reality and fell asleep.  
  


**JIHOON**

It was already late when Jihoon and Daniel arrived at their own hotel rooms. He checked his phone if there were messages from Soonyoung, but to his disappointment, there were none. He wanted to call but decided to just text since the other must be already sleeping.  
  


**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

**Jihoon to Groupchat**

**Wonwoo to Jihoon**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was back in front of the building again, the only the difference now is that he knew why he was there. He was looking for Jihoon. Jihoon who left him to follow his dreams. Jihoon who did not even say goodbye to him. But there he was, still hoping for even a glimpse of the boy he once called his.  
  
Then it suddenly rained, and he saw two people kissing. But now it was clear that it was Jihoom and Daniel.  
  
He was suddenly pushed to the ground and it shattered him that the hand that pushed him away was Jihoon’s.  
  
He found himself falling and this time he knew why, it was because he couldn’t take it anymore, the feeling of being nothing.

It was because he was disposable.

It was because he knew he was worthless.  
  


**Jihoon Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon couldn’t sleep. He was worried about Soonyoung. Every fiber of his being wants to just leave everything behind and run home to Soonyoung. But Wonwoo was right, they have to consider Soonyoung in every decision that he makes and that includes staying away even if his heart hurts from the distance and he was going crazy with worry.  
  
He went to the bar and order a drink. He needed to sleep, and the only way to do that was to have a bit of alcohol. He was sitting by the bar when someone sat beside him.  
  
“You’re Jihoon, right? My husband told me so much about you.” The man smiled. If there was a word that would sum up the man’s physical appearance, it is that he is handsome and very familiar. But Jihoon was not that keen to rack his brains for answer.  
  
“I’m sorry-“  
  
“I’m Donghae.” The man said extending his hand towards Jihoon who shook it.  
  
“It’s nice to finally meet you, Sir.”  
  
“Call me hyung. I only prefer Eunhyukie to call me sir.” Donghae said and laughed when Jihoon blushed crimson. “So, why are you at the bar this late in the evening?”  
  
“I couldn’t sleep.” Jihoon noticed that he was the only one who was drinking, the other just ordered water. “And you, hyung?”  
  
“I’m waiting for Hyukjae. He just got on the last flight.”  
  
“Ah okay.”  
  
“Congratulations. I heard you took the job in New York.”  
  
“No, I did not.”  
  
“Why not? It’s such a good opportunity.”  
  
“I— I can’t leave Soonyoung.”  
  
“Soonyoung? As in Hoshi? You and Hoshi are together? Whatever happened between them and Rowoon? Sorry, go on..”  
  
“Yes, we got back together. We were together back in college and somehow dreams got in the way. Now that we’re together again, I’m not going to let anything get in the way. I know it’s a great opportunity, but when I think about it, I won’t regret it one bit if I don’t grab that opportunity, but I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I lose Soonyoung.” Jihoon blushed when he realized he was rambling. Donghae then pat his shoulders and smiled.  
  
“That’s good. I know that we put too much value on achieving dreams of greatness. Producing a chart topping song, earning lots of money, and many more, but sometimes we forget about what really matters most. We let go of things that we should hold on to, and vice versa. It doesn’t make sense. We think the things we achieve like awards etc. brings us happiness and completes us, but that’s not true. At least not for my case.” Donghae said.  
  
Jihoon looked at Donghae in awe. Unlike his CEO husband, Donghae preferred to work in the background. He produces music but he does not immerse himself into the business itself. His instagram account is full of his different adventures and sometimes just him using his blender for breakfast.  
  
“I think we’re both the same Jihoon-ah.” Donghae said.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“We have goals in life, but we don’t let them get in the way of life itself.”  
  
“You’re right hyung. When Soonyoung and I were together back then, he gave up a scholarship for me. I didn’t understand that decision until now.”  
  
“That’s good. The company needs people like you Jihoon.”  
  
“I don’t think I’ll be staying though.”  
  
“What? Why?”  
  
“Because my contract says that I have to agree wherever the company assigns me and I can’t go. I’ll just have to file a contract termination.”  
  
“That doesn’t work thay way. You have a choice.”  
  
“Hyukjae hyung said that he prefers employees that are loyal to the company vision.”  
  
Donghae laughed.  
  
“Don’t worry about that idiot. He just said that because he thinks it makes him look cool. Just hang on to Soonyoung, I’ll take care of Lee Hyukjae. Besides, do you honestly believe that we’ll let you go just like that after all the trouble I went through to steal you from your former company?”  
  
Jihoon laughed. “I didn’t know that it was you who scouted me. Thank you Hyung. This opportunity led me to my real happiness.”  
  
“You’re a sap. Now, don’t worry about Hyukjae. He may be the boss in the company, but I’m his general.”  
  
Jihoon laughed at his hyung’s description of their CEO. He decided he liked Donghae and would love to work with him in the future.  
  
“Thank you, Hyung. It means a lot.”  
  
“Don’t worry about it and get some sleep. We have a full day of work tomorrow.”  
  
Jihoon said his goodbyes and left, he felt a bit better after his conversation with Donghae. He decided to text Soonyoung before sleeping.  
  
  


**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

****

He was still worried about Soonyoung but he gained courage from what Donghae told him. He believed that everything will be okay, as long as he stays true to his feelings.

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was in the kitchen when he heard Soonyoung cried for him. Wonwoo opened the door Soonyoung was on the bed, clutching his chest as he cried.  
  
“It hurts. It hurts. Wonu, it hurts. Make it stop!”  
  
“Soonie!? What hurts? Hey, what hurts?” Wonwoo asked as he checked Soonyoung for any physical injury. Soonyoung grabbed Wonwoo’s hand and gripped them tightly.  
  
“It hurts. How could he do that to me? Why would he leave me? What did I ever do to deserve this kind of pain from him? I deserved a good bye, Wonu. I deserved a good bye.”  
  
Wonwoo engulf his bestfriend in an embrace, not knowing what else to do.  
It was then that Wonwoo realized that Soonyoung may have recovered his memory.  
  
“Soonie, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m here. We’ll get through this.”  
  
“No, it hurts. Why? How could he? He said he loved me, he didn’t even say goodbye? Am I such a worthless person—“ Soonyoung stuttered through his tears.  
  
“No, you’re the most valuable person to me. I love you, Soonie.” Wonwoo lifted Soonyoung into his lap to hold him closer.  
  
He rocked them together and kept repeating that it was going be okay and just how important Soonyoung was to him.  
  


⛔️

But it wasn’t working, the other boy continued to sob until he was already hyperventilating.  
  
“Soons, hey.. look at me. Please, look at me.” But Soonyoung just kept on crying and repeating how worthless he is that he wasn’t even worth the pain of goodbye.  
  
“Please, Soonyoung. Look at me.” But Soonyoung just kept on crying. He was hyperventilating even more and was shaking so bad that Wonwoo didn’t know what to do.  
  
“Soonyoung, look at me.” He gripped Soonyoung by the shoulders and gently made Soonyoung look at him. “Breathe with me. Breathe with me.” They continued their breathing exercises until Soonyoung’s breathing was slowly getting back to normal. Wonwoo, without letting go of Soonyoung, reached for the other boy’s medicine. Soonyoung took it without complaint and buried himself on Wonwoo’s neck, softly sobbing until they both fell asleep.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	61. Frantic Jihoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

The first thing that Jihoon did when he woke up was to call Soonyoung. But his call went straight to voice mail.  
  


**Jihoon Instagram Post**

****

**Jihoon to Soonyoung's Voicemail**

**Jihoon's message to Soonyoung**

****

**Jhoon's message to Wonwoo**

****

**Jihoon's message to Jeonghan**

After making some calls, he made sure that he charged his phone and went straight to take a shower. They had a full day ahead of them with meetings with other producers.

He also had to present to investors the plans for the sub label, but work was the last thing on his mind. He wished Soonyoung would call him. He needed to hear his voice.

**SOONYOUNG**

**Soonyoung's Post in secret dump account**

****

Soonyoung stared at the white ceiling in his room. It looked so white and so plain, he thought about painting it blue. He wanted to cover everything in blue. Maybe everything in his apartment should be blue. He changed his mind after a second. He thought of painting it green or just grey. He didn’t know. It seemed like it didn’t matter anymore. Everything was just achromatic. It seemed like the world turned black and white, the colors left without even saying goodbye.  
  
He didn’t realized when his tears started falling, staining his pillows. He tried to silence his whimpers as not to wake up his sleeping best friend.  
  
When he lost his memories, he accepted it with no difficulty. He thought they were just random things in life, and the painful ones. That’s why he didn’t try to hard to remember them. He trusted his mind to keep his heart whole. He didn’t know that the most important memory and the most painful one for him, was one and the same.  
  
He checked his messages and tons of them were from Jihoon, reminding him of how much he loves him. But Soonyoung refused to believe it, how could he when Jihoon until now was not even being honest with him about leaving. Was he going to disappear on him again like he did years ago? If that happens, can he still take it? He barely survived the last time that Jihoon left him, how was he going to cope when he does jt again.  
  
He didn’t know what to do. He loves Jihoon so much, but he couldn’t get over his fear that Jihoon will just leave him again.  
  
When Wonwoo stirred beside him, he closed his eyes again pretending to sleep.  
  
“I know you’re awake. I’m just going to prepare food. Come out whenever you’re ready.”  
  
Soonyoung heard his best friend say. But he kept his eyes closed. He just wanted to stay in bed all day. He didn’t want to deal with anything today, but he had to.  
  
So, he forced himself to get out of bed and start his day. He forced himself to think that everything will be alright. He just needs to believe it. But how are things going to be alright, when everything was falling apart?  
  


**ROWOON**

**Rowoon Istagram Post**

****

Rowoon had been spending his time staying away from Korea. He switched staying between New York and Japan. He knew that Soonyoung and Jihoon were already together. It’s not that hard to figure it out from Jihoon’s posts. He also saw them exchanged ‘i love yous’ in the comments. He knew he should stop checking, but he couldn’t help it. He was hurt, with the way things happened. He knew it wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault nor Jihoon’s. Even before Jihoon appeared in their lives, he already felt that Soonyoung had been holding back in their relationship. Soonyoung said it was because he felt he didn’t feel complete with his memory in rambles, but in truth it was because he wasn’t the one.  
  
His heart further broke during Soonyoung’s birthday, when he saw them kissing by the wall near the bathroom. It drove him insane with jealousy. But he couldn’t do anything about it, he didn’t have the right and Soonyoung’s smile stopped him.  
  


**FLASHBACK**

Rowoon was supposed to stay in New York for the rest of the week, but he couldn’t missed Soonyoung’s birthday. He pushed around important meetings to the dismay of his secretary and took a 14 hour flight to Korea where can stay for 2 to 3 hours max and then fly back to New York in time to meet with his father.  
  
He was supposed to arrive in time for dinner but the flight was delayed. So, he settled for just attending the party at the bar, but even for that he was also late. He arrived when the party was already in full swing clutching his specially ordered flowers and the box of thread Soonyoung returned to him when they he asked for a break. He was looking around when he saw Soonyoung running around the bar busy taking care of his friends. He was then grabbed by Jihoon who pushed him to the wall and kissed him. Rowoon was rooted in place just watching the exchange, until Soonyoung passionately returned the kisses that it brought him back to his senses. He immediately took off.  
  
He went back to his car and found himself driving to Soonyoung’s apartment. He let himself in and went to leave his gift and letter in Soonyoung’s closet. He left immediately, and willed himself to leave for New York. He wanted to demand for explanations, but he wasn’t sure if he’s allowed. He also didn’t want to ruin what he saw back in the club, Soonyoung’s smile, the one he made when he realized that it was Jihoon who was kissing him.  
  
 **End of Flashback**

  
  
He remembered the day he proposed. Soonyoung said it wasn’t a yes, but also not a no. It was a ‘not yet.’ But Soonyoung seemed to have forgotten that, forgotten him, when Jihoon came back, he completely disappeared. But it wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault, no matter how much he was hurting, he can’t find it in him to hate Soonyoung and he never will. He will always be there, no matter what.

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo just finished cooking breakfast when felt his friend’s arms around him and face buried on his back.  
  
“Thank you.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
“Anytime, Soons.”  
  
“Wonu..”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I know who the people in my dream now. I know why I keep falling and falling. I remember everything, now.” Wonwoo faced his friend who was crying again.  
  
“What am I supposed to do now, Wonu? I— I can’t— I can’t stop thinking about that night. It hurts, like it just happened yesterday. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to face Jihoon when everytime I close my eyes I remember his face the night he pushed me? I remember how he fucking left me with nothing to hold on to, like I was nothing.”  
  
Wonwoo hugged his friend tighter and kept quiet. He himself didn’t know what to say. But he knew more than anything, he needed to be there for Soonyoung.  
  
“And I am nothing Wonu, until now I am still nothing.”  
  
“That’s not true—“  
  
“But it is! Then why is he leaving me again? Why am I so unworthy of being loved?” Soonyoung said sobbing into Wonwoo’s arms.  
  
“Soons, that’s not true. Jihoon loves you.” Wonwoo said. Wonwoo made Soonyoung face him but Soonyoung was looking everywhere but him.  
  
“No, no, no. He’s leaving me. How am going to survive? I can’t do this anymore, Wonu. I can’t. It hurts so much. It hurts. I am nothing.”  
  
Wonwoo couldn’t help but cry seeing his best friend in so much pain.  
  
“You’re not nothing, Soons. You are everything, Soonie. Don’t think that.”  
  
But Soonyoung was not listening, he just continued crying while Wonwoo held him. Wonwoo was trying his best to keep him from falling apart, but it seem useless.  
  
  


**JIHOON**

It was already afternoon when they finally had a break. He took the time to try and call Wonwoo again. Soonyoung had still not texted him. He was getting more worried.  
  


**Jihoon to Wonwoo**

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

****

**Jihoon to Jeonghan**

****

Jihoon was getting more worried. He just wanted to talk to Soonyoung. He needed to talk to Soonyoung, otherwise he’s going to be insane. He went back to work with a heavy heart.

**JEONGHAN**

Jeonghan drove to Wonwoo and Soonyoung’s apartment. He didn’t know what happened but Jihoon asked to check up on Soonyoung so something must be up. It was Wonwoo who opened the door for him.  
  
“Hey, did you just wake up?” Jeonghan asked as he set the food he brought on the kitchen table. “Call Soonyoung, it’s time to eat.”  
  
“He’s still sleeping.” Wonwoo said as he sat in front of Jeonghan.  
  
“What’s wrong? Have you been crying?”  
  
“Hyung, Soonyoung remembers.” Wonwoo quietly said.  
  
“Oh, is he okay?” Jeonghan asked.  
  
“No, he’s not. He had a severe attack last night and this morning. I- I’m scared, hyung.” Wonwoo said as he rested his elbows on the table with his face on his hands. “This is the first time in a long time that he needed medicine to calm himself down.”  
  
Jeonghan reached for Wonwoo’s hands and reassuringly squeezed them.  
  
“Did we make a mistake?” Wonwoo asked. “Was it a mistake to let Jihoon back in his life?”  
  
“It wasn’t really our decision to make, Wonwoo. It never was.”  
  
“I’m scared. I can’t sleep. I- I keep thinking what if I fall asleep and—“  
  
“No,” Jeonghan interrupted me. “that’s not going to happen ever again. We’re going to help, okay?”  
  
“I can’t-“  
  
But before Wonwoo could finish his sentence, Soonyoung came out of his room looking disheveled and was crying again.  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Wonwoo asked as he engulf Soonyoung in hug but the other just continued crying. “It’s gonna be okay. I’m here. Hannie Hyung brought food. You want to eat?”  
  
“No. I want my medicine.”  
  
“Soons, you haven’t eaten since yesterday.”  
  
“I’ll eat later, I just want my medicine. Please.” Soonyoung said still crying.  
  
“I’ll give it to you if eat, here it’s kimchi fried—“  
  
“No! You don’t understand. I just want my meds, please!” Wonwoo pulled Soonyoung into a hug, holding the latter as he sobbed harder.  
  
Jeonghan just nodded at Wonwoo to just give the other his medicine.  
  
“It’s okay. Here Soonie.” Jeonghan said as he reached for Soonyoung’s medicine. He then guided Soonyoung back to his room, where he kept him company until the other fell asleep.  
  
When Soonyoung fell asleep, he found Wonwoo in the living room, crying.  
  


**JIHOON**

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

Jihoon went to the bar his hotel. He ordered a drink and spent the night worrying over the lack of message from Soonyoung. He wanted to go home, but he can’t. If Soonyoung was not answering him, then maybe he needed space from him. He just wished he knew what he did wrong, so he’d knew how he can make it better.  
  
He didn’t know how many hours he’d been at the bar, but he kept drinking until late in the evening, until he was too drunk to stop himself from doing stupid things.  
  


**Daniel's Instagram Post**

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	62. Is this the end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Group chat**

**Group Chat without Soonyoung**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung woke up in the middle of the night. Wonwoo was sleeping soundly beside him. Jeonghan was sleeping on the small couch in his room. His eyes were swollen and Soonyoung felt bad for worrying him. He quietly took his phone, and tip toed all the way to the kitchen. He didn’t know what he was doing, but he needed to hear Jihoon. He was feeling different emotions at the same time and it was driving him crazy, but at that moment, he was missing Jihoon.  
  
There were several messages from Jihoon again. He wished he could make himself believe and trust Jihoon, but he was scared. He thought his heart was whole and strong, but it turned that it was just being held together with flimsy tapes and band aids.  
  
He reread Jihoon’s messages and listened his voicemail messages. That gave him a little bit of strength to dial his boyfriend’s number.

**Soonyoung calls Jihoon**

****

Soonyoung called Jihoon's number. He was surprised that someone else answered. So, much for waiting for his call, Soonyoung thought.

****

“Hey Jihoon-ah, wake up. Jihoon! It’s Soonyoung!”  
  
He heard Daniel waking up Jihoon who must be beside him. He told himself they were just friends, but his mind was making him think of different things. What if Jihoon was lying to him again? What if Jihoon was just stringing him along and then leave him again? It wasn’t farfetched, since he was nothing. Soonyoung was already crying when he heard Jihoon’s voice.  
  
“Go away!” Jihoon yelled at Daniel.  
  
“I’m sorry, Soonyoung. He’s—“  
  
“He doesn’t want me.” Soonyoung whispered on the phone.  
  
“What? No! He’s just—“  
  
But Soonyoung hung up the phone already. He sat on the kitchen floor and hugged himself as he cried. It was happening again, he thought.  
  
“What did I ever do to deserve this? I’m nothing. I really am nothing. Why would Jihoon stay with me? Why would he love me? I’m nothing.” Soonyoung said to himself as he cried.  
  
He needed to get out of the house, he thought. He needed to go somewhere far, where it won’t be painful anymore. He just needed to walk away. He thought to himself as he walked out of the apartment not really knowing where to go.

**DANIEL**

Daniel didn’t know what’s happening to Soonyoung. But when he answered the phone, he felt that there was something wrong. That’s why he tried to wake Jihoon up, but his friend was so drunk that he just pushed Daniel away.  
  
“Jihoon-ah! Wake up!” Daniel screamed and finally Jihoon stirred.  
  
“What? Stop yelling, asshole. Go away!” Jihoon said as he buried himself on the bed.  
  
“Jihoon, Soonyoung called!” Daniel yelled and kicked Jihoon off the bed.  
  
“Fuck! What the fuck Kang! I’m trying to sleep!” Jihoon yelled from the floor.  
  
“Go fucking sleep in your room but before that Soonyoung called!” Daniel said. “I think you need to call him back.”  
  
“Shit!” Jihoon said and called Soonyoung. “Why the fuck would you answer my phone?”  
  
“Because you said Soonyoung has issues with being ignored! So I answered to explain that you were fucking sleeping but he hung up!” Daniel yelled getting worked up.  
  
“I’m sorry. Shit! He’s not answering.” Jihoon said as he continued trying to get Soonyoung on the phone. “I’m going home. Can you tell Hyukjae hyung I went back to Korea?”  
  
“Dude are you insane? We’re in the middle of—“  
  
“I don’t fucking care. I have to go home.”  
  
“He’s going to fire you.”“See if I care.” Jihoon was about to leave the room to pack when Soonyoung finally answered.

**JIHOON**

Jihoon scrambled to answer his phone when Soonyoung finally answered his calls.

(Red - Jihoon, White - Soonyoung)

**Jihoon to Soonyoung**

Jihoon just realized what Soonyoung asked him. If Soonyoung remembers, then in his mind Jihoon and Daniel were together before. If that happens, he didn’t know what he’d do.

Jihoon was about to beg again but Soonyoung already hung up. He tried calling again but Soonyoung’s phone was already turned off. So, he called Wonwoo.

**Jihoon to Wonwoo**

(Jihoon - red, Wonwoo - white)

Jihoon decided to go home that very night. He needed to be with Soonyoung or he was going to lose his mind with worry. Jihoon packed his bags and was getting ready to go to the airport when he received a call from Jeonghan.

**Jihoon to Jeonghan**

(Jihoon - red, Jeonghan - white)

He gathered his belongings planning to fly to Korea no matter what. He left a message to Daniel that he was leaving and went to Hyukjae and Donghae’s room. He nervously knocked on the door, until Hyukjae opened.

**DONGHAE/HYUKJAE**

Donghae was already in bed, waiting for his husband, when he heard a knock on the door. He didn’t want to get up so he yelled at his husband to hurry up.  
  
“You could have opened the door yourself you know.” Hyukjae said.  
  
“Just open it. I’m exhausted.”  
  
Hyukjae opened the door to a frantic Jihoon.  
  
“Jihoon-ah, is everything okay?” Hyukjae asked when he noticed that Jihoon had been crying and was shaking. “Come in first and have a sit.”  
  
“Hyung, I’m going back to Korea.”  
  
“What? Why? Did something happen?” Hyukjae asked.  
  
“It’s an emergency.”  
  
“Eunhyukie, let him sit first. Jihoon, you’re shaking. I’ll get you a glass of water.” Donghae intervened when he saw how badly shook up Jihoon was.  
  
“Jihoon, we’re in the middle of negotiations with important investors-“  
  
“Oh shut it.” Donghae said addressing his husband lovingly. “Jihoon, of course if it’s an emergency you can go. But you have to calm down first okay? Drink this.”  
  
Jihoon looked at Donghae gratefully and took the water.  
  
“Babo, don’t just stand there, and call the driver. I’m going with Jihoon to Korea.” Donghae said.  
  
“Yah, that’s not—“  
  
“Eunhyukie, I love you but sometimes you’re really slow in the uptake. I can’t let Jihoon go alone in his state. So, please, yeobo, call the driver.” Donghae said emphasizing the yeobo part.  
  
“But—“ Hyukjae was about to interrupt again but Donghae silence him with a glare. He just followed what his husband said and called the driver. He also began packing some essentials for Donghae.  
  
“Hyung, you don’t have to go with me. I feel better now.” Jihoon said.  
  
“It’s okay. I want to see our baby anyways. I’ve been away for two days. May I ask what happened?” Donghae asked.  
  
“Soonyoung, he thought I was going to leave him and he had an attack. I need to go to him.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Jihoon, don’t you think that you’re—“ Hyukjae started to say but Donghae interrupted him and asked:  
  
“If I sprain my finger and ask you to come home, what would you do?”  
  
“Yeobo, that’s a completely different story.”  
  
“Why? What’s the difference between you and Jihoon? Just because you’re CEO doesn’t mean you can control their lives.”  
  
“I didn’t—“  
  
“I prefer employees loyal to the company vision?”  
  
“Babe, I didn’t mean that. I just said that to convince Jihoon to accept the offer.”  
  
“Well, you’re going about it the wrong way. There are more important things than work.” Donghae said.  
  
“I know that. But Jihoon’s life is—“  
  
“Soonyoung.” Donghae interrupted.  
  
“Soonyoung?” Hyukjae asked.  
  
“Yeah, asshat, he didn’t want to go to New York because he didn’t want to leave Soonyoung.”  
  
“Oh, you— I’m so sorry, Jihoon. You should have told me.” Hyukje said.  
  
“You didn’t give him a chance, idiot.” Donghae smiled at his idiot husband.  
  
“I’m so sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay, hyung. You were in a hurry when we talked that’s why I couldn’t really explain.” Jihoon answered.  
  
“Shit! Ji, I might have mentioned it to Soonyoung that you accepted the offer.”  
  
“Idiot! You and your big mouth Lee Hyukjae.” Donghae said as he flicked his husband’s forehead again. “Jihoon, I’m so sorry.”  
  
“I’m sorry, Jihoon. I didn’t know.” Hyukjae added.  
  
“It’s okay, hyung. I just have—“  
  
“The driver’s there. Come on Jihoon-ah.” Donghae interrupted.  
  
“Jihoon-ah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell Soonyoung and make you feel pressured. I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay, hyung. You didn’t know. Thank you.” Jihoon said. He went out first to give the couple to say their goodbyes privately.

He knew from talks among co-workers that Donghae was softhearted, he just didn’t know that it was to this extent.  
  
“I’ll see you at home?” Donghae asked.  
  
“Yes, be safe idiot. I love you.”  
  
“I love you more.” They kissed and Donghae left his husband

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	63. Jihoon's Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo found Soonyoung on a nearby convenient store staring at passing cars. He was still wearing his sleep wear, with only one slippers. His eyes were swollen from crying. There were also nail marks on his hands, where he kept pinching himself.  
  
Wonwoo took of his coat and wrapped it around Soonyoung.  
  
“Hey, I looked everywhere for you. Let’s go home.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“Hop on my back, Soonie. Let’s go home? Tomorrow we’ll go to Doc Haneul.” Wonwoo said but Soonyoung continued to stare at the streets.  
  
“Soons, please? I’m cold.” Wonwoo said shivering from the cold. It was the only time that Soonyoung looked at him.  
  
“Come on, I’ll carry you on my back.” Soonyoung moved and put his arms around Wonwoo’s shoulder. Soonyoung buried his face on Wonwoo’s neck and Wonwoo can feel his tears. His heart break a little each time Soonyoung whimpers quietly, as if he was trying to stop himself from crying.  
  
Jeonghan found them walking on their way back to the apartment.  
  
He cried when he saw how Wonwoo, who has always been restrained in showing his emotions, was quietly crying as he carried his friend on his back.  
  
They walk back to their apartment quietly.

**Jeonghan Instagram Post**

****

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung quietly sat on the couch facing Doctor Haneul who quielty waited for him to talk. Wonwoo was beside him holding his hand. Soonyoung wouldn’t go inside unless Wonwoo was with him. Soonyoung, however, just continued crying, so Haneul intervened.  
  
“Soonyoung, what you’re feeling right now, it’s completely normal. When repressed memories come back, it affects your current state of reality. It affects your current relationships and even your perception of the world. You feel like you’re reliving the events again. You’ll feel like noone, nothing, and not even yourself is safe. This can lead to isolation, low self-care and a war within your mind and your body. This is what we have to avoid. That’s why during this time, you need to trust your family and friends.” Haneul explained. “I know it’s going to be difficult, but you can get through it. We’re all here for you.”  
  
“Soonyoung?”  
  
“I- I don’t know.” Soonyoung whispered holding on to Wonwoo’s hand.  
  
“You don’t know what? Why don’t you tell me what you feel at this very moment?” Haneul asked.  
  
“I’m hurt and scared.”  
  
“Why are you hurt?”  
  
“Ji-jihoon, he left me. He didn’t say anything and just disappeared on me. It hurts a lot. I feel like there’s nothing left for me to live for. Why do I have to make an effort to live, when I am worthless. I am nothing.” Soonyoung said as he quietly cried. Wonwoo just gripped his friend’s hand trying to reassure him.  
  
“What makes you think that?”  
  
“Because he said he love me but he threw me away like trash. He loves me but he didn’t even say goodbye to me. Am I not worthy of that? They say that hate is hurtful, but it’s wrong, being indifferent the other person and just totally not caring, that’s what hurts the most. It hurts and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t think I can continue living like this.” Soonyoung said as he sobbed even harder.  
  
“Soonyoung, you’re braver than you thought. Repressed memories usually comes back to you when you’re finally ready to deal with them. It means that your mind think that you’re strong enough to deal with them.” Haneul explained.  
  
“Am I though? Because I feel like I’m just back to square one.”  
  
“Try to differentiate between your reality and your memories. Try to think of these memories like things of the past. Tell yourself that these hurtful things are in the past.” Haneul suggested.  
  
“But they’re not! I still feel them! I wish I can’t. It still hurts. I tell myself that it is done, that it doesn’t have to hurt because it happened a long time ago, but it still does. I thought my wounds were healed, but they aren’t.” Wonwoo grabbed the glass of water and made Soonyoung drink. It was the only thing he could do at the moment. Wonwoo was on the verge of tears but he used all of his strength to hold back.  
  
“That’s why you have to work on staying in the present. Remind yourself of the memories that you have in the present. Remind yourself of the years that past since that time. Talk toWonwoo. Remind yourself that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel these feelings,  
and then slowly let go. Tell yourself that it’s in the past, you are stronger, and it can never break you again.” Haneul explained.  
  
“If it doesn’t work?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“Then, we try again tomorrow. Tomorrows are there for us to correct our mistakes and to try again for things that we fail to do. Don’t be afraid because there are infinite chances that life gives us, all we have to do is try and try again.” Haneul said to Soonyoung who stopped sobbing for a minute and saw Wonwoo’s silent tears. He reached out and brushed the tears staining Wonwoo’s cheeks. Soonyoung was somewhat comforted by what Haneul said. But what convinced him to try was his best friend’s tears. He cried for Wonwoo. He truly is his constant.  
  
“I will— I will try.” Soonyoung said. “Wonu, don’t cry. I will try for you.” Soonyoung was then engulf in Wonwoo’s arms.  
  
“Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself.” Wonwoo said. “I know thing will get difficult, but I’m here. It’s you and me against the world, remember? “  
  
“Yes, you and me.” Soonyoung replied.  
  
“That’s the spirit. So, I’ll see you next week?” Soonyoung just nodded his head in determination. He was determined to push thru his emotions, even if it was just to keep Wonwoo from crying.

**Jihoon Instagram Post**

**JIHOON**

Jihoon told Donghae everything that happened on the plane. They were on the airport waiting for Donghae’s driver to pick them up. The older wouldn’t allow Jihoon to take a cab. He said it’ll be easier for his peace of mind if he just drives him there.  
  
“Hyung, thank you.”  
  
“Stop thanking me. I am also doing this for Soonyoung. He’s a very close dongsaeng.”  
Donghae said as a car stopped in front of them. Donghae gestured for Jihoon to get in and then they drive in silence towards Soonyoung’s apartment.  
  
Jeonghan was waiting for them outside Soonyoung’s apartment.  
  
“Are you going to be okay?” Donghae asked Jihoon.  
  
“Yes, hyung. Thank you.”  
  
Jihoon got off the car and walk towards Jeonghan, who pulled him towards the opposite direction of the building.  
  
“Wait, hyung! I want to see, Soonyoung!” Jihoon yelled as Jeonghan pulled him away from the building.  
  
“I know that Jihoon. But now is not the time. Wonwoo will call us.” Jeonghan said. “His therapist advised Wonwoo to let hi’ rest.”  
  
“Why are you even here?” Jihoon asked irritated at Jeonghan.  
  
“Donghae hyung texted me.”  
  
“So, you’re all ganging up on me?! I want to see Soonyoung! I’m losing him and you’re keeping me from talking to him!” Jihoon desperately said.  
  
“Jihoon, are you hearing yourself? No one’s ganging up on you. We know how much you love him. But right now Soonyoung needs you to take a step back. He needs space.” Jeonghan said and hugged Jihoon, who held on to Jeonghan and sobbed.  
  
“I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. I love him so much.” Jihoon said as he cried on Jeonghan’s shoulder.  
  
“Come on, let’s get you home. You need rest. Wonwoo will contact us, once it’s safe to go. But right now, Soonyoung needs to rest. His doctor prescribed him medicine, because he can’t really sleep soundly. He cries even in his sleep.” Jeonghan said as he guided Jihoon towards his car.  
  
“This is all my fault.”  
  
“It’s nobody’s fault. He just needs time Jihoon and you owe it to him. Doc Haneul said he’s experiencing the same traumas he had before as if it just happened yesterday. He needs to overcome that and we need to give him every support that we can give.” Jeonghan said. He started the car and drove Jihoon to his apartment. He held back tears when he saw that Jihoon was silently crying beside him, hugging his bag for comfort.

**SEUNGCHEOL**

Seungcheol heard Jeonghan came in. His boyfriend spent the night at Wonwoo’s helping him with Soonyoung. He wanted to go and explain what really happened, but Jeonghan stopped him. Instead, Jeonghan went to help Wonwoo take care of Soonyoung.  
  
Jeonghan jumped into Seungcheol’s lap and buried himself in the crook of his neck inhaling the familiar smell of his boyfriend.  
  
“Hard day?” Seungcheol asked.  
  
“Yes, a little bit. Jihoon’s home. Donghae hyung flew with him from Japan.” Jeonghan said.  
  
“How is he holding up?”  
  
“He kept crying. Seokmin’s staying with him at the moment.” Jeonghan said.  
  
“When are we going to talk to Soonie?”  
  
“Soon baby, Wonwoo will call us.” Jeonghan then straddled Seungcheol embraced him tightly. “I love you so much.”  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Seungcheol asked when he heard Jeonghan sniffing. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“I wouldn’t know what I’d do without you, Cheollie. What if—“  
  
Seungcheol softly pushed Jeonghan and made the latter look at him.  
  
“No what ifs. Baby, I know we haven’t really talked about it. But I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.”  
  
“What is it?” Jeonghan asked. Seungcheol took an envelop from his breast pocket and gave it to Jeonghan. Jeonghan slowly opened the envelop and inside was a receipt from a jewelry store. It was from four years ago.  
  
“Whenever marriage is mentioned—“ Jeongha’s breathe hitched. “See? You react this way.” Jeonghan was about to interrupt but Seungcheol stopped him.  
  
“It’s okay, no offense taken. But I’ve been thinking about the things that’s happening now, and I think that the problem wouldn’t have started if they just talked and assured each other of their love. That’s why I want to put it on the table.” Seungcheol said as he pulled Jeonghan closer to him.  
  
“Uhmm what?” Jeonghan asked.  
  
“Marriage.”  
  
“Baby—“  
  
“No, listen to me first. I’m okay with anything as long as we’re together. And have I dreamt about marrying you? Yes, a million times. But I’m also okay with this.” Seungcheol said as he kissed Jeonghan. “Doesn’t matter to me whether we’re married or not, as long as we’re together. But sometimes, I’m stupid—“  
  
“Just sometimes?” Jeonghan interrupted, teasing Seungcheol.  
  
“Yah, I’m baring my soul here.”  
  
“Sorry, continue please.”  
  
“What I’m saying is, when the time comes that you feel you’re ready and you feel like I’m being an idiot for not reading the signs. Don’t leave me. All you have to do is give me that receipt and then I’ll know you’re ready. I love you, Yoon Jeonghan and I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you, if you’ll let me.” Jeonghan surprised Seungcheol when he took the paper from the envelop and gave it to Seungcheol.  
  
“Here.”  
  
“Baby, I’m not pressuring you. I’m just saying that-“ Seungcheol said a little bit panicked.  
  
“You’re really are an idiot. I’m giving this back to you.” Jeonghan said.  
  
Seungcheol just blinked at Jeonghan, while the latter waited for Seungcheol to finally get what he was doing. It was a full minute before Seungcheol finally got it.  
  
“Oh my god, are you sure?” Seungcheol asked still dumbfounded, while Jeonghan laughed at his boyfriend’s reaction.  
  
“Wow, that took a whole minute, babe.” Jeonghan teased. “But yes, I’m sure.” Jeonghan said before leaning in to kiss his boyfriend with as much love as he can muster.  
  
“I love you, Choi Seungcheol.” But Jeonghan stopped laughing and turned serious. “I’m not saying yes, I’m just saying that I’m ready and that you better propose to me in the most romantic way if you still want to live.”  
  
Seungcheol laughed.  
  
“Of course, only the best for you angel.” Seungcheol said. They spent the night just reminding themselves of just how much they value and love each other.

**JIHOON**

**Jihoon's Messages to Soonyoung**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	64. Seungcheol's Admission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

A week had past when Wonwoo finally invited Seungcheol and Jeonghan over for dinner. Seungcheol wanted to tell Soonyoung about what happened. But they promised to take it by the ear. When he heard a knock, Wonwoo opened the door to Jeonghan and Seuncheol who was carrying a buNch of packed food.  
  
“We brought dinner!” Jeonghan said trying to put a bit of excitement in his voice. Wonwoo and Soonyoung haven’t been out in a week, except to visit the therapist. Jeonghan noticed that Wonwoo looked exhausted.  
  
Jeonghan went straight to Soonyoung’s room. He knocked but no one answered.  
  
“He has been keeping to himself lately. He doesn’t even talk to me.” Wonwoo said. “It’s like everything is going backwards.”  
  
“Wonwoo, do you want to stay at our apartment for a while? I can stay here and take care of Soonyoung, even for just a day.” Jeonghan offered.  
  
“No, I’m not leaving him.”  
  
“Okay, but you also need to take care of yourself. I can stay with you if you want.” Jeonghan offered.  
  
“Thank you, hyung. I’ll call Soonie.” Wonwoo said. He went to Soonyoung’s room and found the latter lying on the bed in complete darkness, just staring at the ceiling.  
  
“Soonie?” Wonwoo sat by the side of the bed. “Soonie, Jeonghan and Seungcheol hyung brought dinner. It’s your favorite. Let’s eat?”  
  
But Soonyoung ignored him and continued staring at the ceiling.  
  
“Soonie? I’m hungry.” Wonwoo said. It was only then that Soonyoung looked at Wonwoo. He got up and brushed his finger on Wonwoo’s face.  
  
“You look tired, Wonu. I’m sorry.” Soonyoung then stood up and pulled Wonwoo to the kitchen where Jeonghan and Seungcheol were waiting. “Come on, Wonwoo. You have to eat.”  
  
“You also have to eat, Soonie.” Wonwoo said.  
  
They all sat in the dining room, where Soonyoung tried to smile and enjoy the company. But Jeonghan and Seungcheol did not fail to notice that Soonyoung hardly touched his food, but instead was busy making Wonwoo eat.

**SEUNGCHEOL**

Seungcheol sat nervously in the living room. He was going to tell Soonyoung the part of the story that he had kept from all his friends. He only hoped that at the end of the day, Soonyoung would find it in his heart to forgive him.  
  
“Soonyoung, I have something to tell you.”  
Seungcheol said.  
  
Soonyoung looked at him fearfully. It was already evident in Soonyoung’s eyes just how exhausted he was. Soonyoung kept tapping his foot. He kept squirming on his sit. It was only when Wonwoo sat beside him that he relaxed a little bit.  
  
“Soons? That time, when Jihoon left, before he disappeared on us he came home to check on you.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“What?” Soonyoung asked. He started biting his fingernails and tapping his foot again. Wonwoo reached for his hands and smiled in reassurance.  
  
“It was me. I told him how you gave up your scholarship and how you were working so hard just to be able to visit you.” Seungcheol said. Jeonghan noticed how his hands were shaking and reached out for him. “He came home to check up on you, and we went to your workplace. When he saw how you were exhausting yourself with work, he- he got worried. Then, he left. He made me promise not to tell anyone about it.”  
  
“Why are you telling me this then?” Soongyoung asked. Soonyoung was already trembling slightly, so Wonwoo moved closer to Soonyoung.  
  
“I’m telling you this so you’ll know that he didn’t leave because he didn’t love you. He did it because he loved you and wanted what’s best for you.” Seungcheol explained.  
  
“That’s bullshit!” Soonyoung snapped. He was now shaking, but this time it was out of anger. “That’s loads of crap.”  
  
“Soonyoung, please—“  
  
“No! Jihoon didn’t just leave me. He disappeared on me without a word. when that wasn’t enough he stepped on me until I’m nothing. He didn’t even give me a choice in the matter. I was already at my worst and he didn’t even blink when he pushed me even further into the gutter. How is that an action of a person who claims to love me?” Soonyoung stood up and was about to walked out when Wonwoo stopped him.  
  
“Soons, you promised you’d listen.” Wonwoo said and pulled Soonyoung to sit back down.  
  
“Soonie, I’m sorry. At that time I did what I thought was right. You were exhausting yourself so I—“  
  
“That was my choice! It’s my life. You and Jihoon didn’t have the right to choose for me. It was my choice and you took that away! So, stop saying that he loves me because all his actions speak otherwise. I almost lost my life and he didn’t blink an eye!” This time Wonwoo was not able to stop Soonyoung from leaving.  
  
Seungcheol cried in Jeonghan’s arms. Soonyoung was right, he thought, if he cared about him he should have told him even before. He saw just how much Soonyoung suffered and even tried to end everything, but he still chose to keep quiet. Soonyoung might have directed his anger at Jihoon’s decision, but he was a big part of that decision. Seuncheol felt that he also deserved that anger.

** WONWOO **

Wonwoo followed Soonyoung to his room. Soonyoung was sitting by the corner of his room and was crying. Wonwoo sigh. He felf bad for his friend. It seemed like everything they say will only hurt Soonyoung even more. He didn’t know what else to do. But they all agreed to remind Soonyoung of just how much he was loved. It was the reason why they all agreed for Seungcheol to tell Soonyoung what made Jihoon decide to leave. But that backfired on them.  
  
“Soonie?” Wonwoo sat beside Soonyoung on the floor. He hesitated before getting a phone from his pocket. It was Soonyoung’s old phone, the one he owned before he lost his memories.  
  
“Soonie, don’t be mad please.” Wonwoo whispered.  
  
“What is it?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
Wonwoo hesitated before giving Soonyoung his old phone.  
  
“What is this?”  
  
“It’s- it’s your old phone.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“You hid it from me?” Soonyoung clenched his hand. He was getting tired of all the lies. “How could you keep this from me?” Soonyoung snapped.  
  
“Soons, I’m sorry. During that time, I was so lost and scared. I just wanted you to get better. I wanted you to stop wanting to die. You’re my best friend and—“  
  
Soonyoung stood up.  
  
“Wait Soonyoung, please.” Wonwoo grabbed Soonyoung arms.  
  
“Leave me alone. I can’t take anymore of these lies.”  
  
“Please Soonie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie. I was scared and I didn’t know what else to do. Please.” Wonwoo begged. He was on the floor clingin on the Soonyoung’s hand, while the latter try to walk away. Wonwoo who has always been stoic was crying and trembling.  
  
“Hey,” Soonyoung went back and hugged Wonwoo, “don’t cry, Wonu. I’m just frustrated and I need time to process everything. I’m not mad at you.” But wonwoo’s sobbed louder.  
  
“Wonunu, don’t cry. I’m sorry.” He said as he hugged his friend tighter. “I’m not mad. Don’t cry. I’ll just take a walk, okay? I just need to be away from everything for a minute.” Wonwoo could only nod. He knew he owed him that much.  
  
Soonyoung made Wonwoo look at him and wiped his tears away. He kissed his forehead before leaving with his old phone clutched in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	65. I Don't Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**JIHOON**

Jihoon kept pacing in his room. He tried everything to calm himself down. He went to the gym, he buried himself in work, and everything else to keep himself from goong to Soonyoung. It has been more than week already since the last time he saw Soonyoung, and it was driving him crazy. Knowing that Soonyoung needed the space was the only thing that was keeping him from knocking on Soonyoung’s door.  
  
Jeonghan also kept asking their friends to stay with him. Seokmin stayed with for three days, then Mingyu, and then Vernon. He told Jeonghan that he rather be alone, but Jeonghan insisted they still come.  
  
He just got home when Vernon and Seungkwan came barging in the front door.  
  
“We’re your guards for the night.” Seungkwan said and headed to the living room pulling vernon with him. Jihoon sigh. He was getting a headache from all these unwanted visitors. He looked for the vodka he hid in the kitchen, he doesn’t really drink much but lately it was the only thing that help him stop thinking long enough to function and to sleep.  
  
“I ordered dinner.” Vernon said. “It’ll be here in 30 minutes.”  
  
“No, thanks.”  
  
“Hyung, you have to eat. You haven’t been eating the whole week. Seungcheol hyung said you didn’t touch your lunch.” Vernon said.  
  
“I’m sorry but leave me alone. I’m so exhausted.”  
  
“Hyung, just eat. Besides, I threw away all the booze in this house. You’ve been drinking every night—“  
  
“Why the fuck would you do that?!” Jihoon interrupted but realized quickly that his friends were just looking after him.  
“I’m so sorry. That was— I’m so tired.”  
  
Seungkwan hugged his hyung who sobbed on his shoulders.  
  
“I miss him so much. How am I supposed to do this every day? How am I to going to live without him?”  
  
“Hyung, it’s going to be alright. Soonyoung hyung just needs time to adjust and I’m sure he’ll come back to you.” Vernon said.  
  
“How? Soonyoung hates me—“  
  
“No, Soonyoung hyung doesn’t hate you. He just needs time. He loves you very much. He lost his memory but he still found his way back to you. That’s how much he loves you.” Seungkwan said as he hugged his hyung.  
  
“But why do I get a feeling that even if he loves me, I feel that it won’t be easy for him to forgive me. What I did? That was the lowest of low. I didn’t just leave him, I ruined him. He lost everything because of me. I—“  
  
“Hyung, it wasn’t your fault. It also wasn’t Soonyoung’s fault. You guys just tried to deal with—“  
  
“But that’s the thing! I didn’t deal with it, instead I scrapped him out of my life like garbage. How could I do that the person I love? How could I do that to him and expect him to still want to stay with me? I don’t know what to do, I love him and I’m sure after what I did he will never believe me. How am I going to fight for him when the first time he needed me to fight for him I packed up and ran? I lost him.” Jihoon said and sobbed harder. He was losing everything and it was all his fault. Seungkwan just hugged Jihoon tighter, while Vernon just grabbed his shoulder reassuringly.

**MINGYU**

Mingyu just finished all of his school requirements before their deadlines. After the fiasco with Wonwoo, where his plan to get the other man back by making him jealous, backfired; he was pretty sure that everything between them was over, this time for real.  
  
He still couldn’t forget the look on Wonwoo’s face when the latter realize that everthing was just a sham. Mingyu hoped that Wonwoo would be relieve that he was not with Eunwoo, but all he saw was anger. He finally understood now, about the tests that Wonwoo was talking about. The last time they were together, they made love and Wonwoo bared his soul. He told Mingyu the truth and asked him if could wait. But Mingyu didn’t listen.

Instead of giving Wonwoo space, he hitched up a plan which involved his friend Eunwoo, hoping to drive Wonwoo into his arms with jealousy. But now he lost him for real.

**Mingyu to Minghao**

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was in the state of panic for the second time that week. Soonyoung is missing again. He gave him space after giving him his old phone back but now it’s late and he still haven’t come back.

**Wonwoo to Soonyoung**

****

**Wonwoo to Group Chat**

****

Wonwoo was just taking a chance. The cafe was one of Soonyoung’s favorite places. He was hoping that he’d find Soonyoung there. He looked around but Soonyoung wasn’t there. He tried calling Soonyoung’s phone again but it just kept ringing. He went out of the cafe and found Jun running towards him.  
  
“Hey! I came here as fast as I could.” Jun said. Wonwoo could no longer take it and grabbed on to Jun for support. Jun took Wonwoo into his arms and held him tightly as the latter sobbed on his shoulders. He sobbed even harder when Jun rubbed his back trying to comfort him and hugged him tighter. He had been trying to keep calm in order to find Soonyoung. He buried all his fears, in order to be able to think clearly. But seeing Jun brought out all of his vulnerability, and he felt that Jun was someone that he could show that to with no judgment.  
  
“I’m so scared.” Wonwoo whispered. Jun just continued to hold him whispering words of comfort. When Wonwoo’s sob finally subsided, Jun said:  
  
“Wonwoo, it’s okay. I’m sure he’s just somewhere thinking or drinking-“  
  
“He’s on meds! He can’t drink!” Wonwoo interrupted.  
  
“I was going to say drinking juice. Goguma juice.” Jun said. Wonwoo laughed a bit and let go of Jun. It was a private joke between their group of friends. His crying fit was finally over.  
  
“You’re ridiculous sometimes.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“Just sometimes?” Jun asked as he wiped away Wonwoo’s tear with his sweater sleeves.  
  
“Thank you. I needed that.”  
  
“Stop it. You’re making me blush.” Jun said pretending to be shy.  
  
Wonwoo laughed again at expression that Jun was wearing.  
  
“Blush! Hmph! Kiss my ass.”  
  
“I’d be happy too.” Jun said and jokingly licked his lips and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
Wonwoo laughed and flicked his forehead.  
  
“Thank you, Junhui.”  
  
“Come on, we’ll look for Soonyoung and then I’ll stay with him for the night. You need to sleep.” Jun said as they walk walked towards a parked car.  
  
“I didn’t know you changed cars.” Wonwoo said.  
  
When Jun opened the car, he gestured for Wonwoo to get inside the front seat and then he went to sit at the back.  
  
Wonwoo was shocked as to who was at the driver’s seat.  
  
“Hi! I hope you don’t mind. But this way we can find him faster.” Rowoon said. “I’m in the country and I think you guys forgot to remove me from the group chat.”  
  
Wonwoo gave Rowoon a hug, which Rowoon returned.  
  
“You don’t know how relieve I am that you’re here.” Wonwoo said. Having Rowoon around before was always a reassurance that another person was there to take care of Soonyoung. “I mean, I’m just—“  
  
“It’s okay, Wonwoo. What’s important right now is we find him.” Rowoon smiled. He started the car and the three of them drove around to look for Soonyoung.

**MINGYU**

Mingyu went to Haru Cafe because he wanted to help Wonwoo to look for Soonyoung. He sat on a bench outside the cafe waiting for Wonwoo. He knew that the other was still mad at him, but he wanted to help in any way he can. So, he planned on just tagging along, even if umwanted.  
  
He also felt guilty with the way he treated Wonwoo and for not trusting his words. He knew he said he’d wait, but he wanted Wonwoo back. He realized too late that what he was doing was that he was trying to force the other back into the relationship, by making it appear that Wonwoo was losing him. But it backfired on him when he thought that Wonwoo was moving on with Jun’s help.  
  
When he saw Wonwoo, it almost crushed his heart with how exhausted he looked. He wanted to rush over and comfort him but stopped when he saw Jun arrived. It shattered his heart when Wonwoo reached for Jun for comfort. It was always him, Mingyu thought, but now he no longer has the right to comfort Wonwoo, and it’s all his fault.

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung didn’t mean to scare Wonwoo, but just needed to be alone for a while. They spent the whole week in the apartment, with Wonwoo keeping him company. It felt suffocating. Soonyoung just wanted to breathe for a second. So, he went to the old rooftop where he used to meet with Jihoon in college. It used to comfort him a lot, being there, especially the time when Jihoon left for the States but afterwards it just felt like a painful reminder of everything he lost. Now, it was a reminder of everything that he needed to give up to save himself.  
  
He thought about everything that Jihoon and him went through and every memory hurt him. It made him feel worse about himself. How could someone like Jihoon, who claimed to love him, dispose of him so easily?  
  
He took his old phone from his pocket. His hands shook a little bit as he opened his phone. He knew once he look at the pictures, it was going to get even more difficult. But he wanted to go back, even for just a moment, when everything was in place, when everything was okay. He wanted to go back to the time when there was nothing more important, for him and Jihoon, but their love.  
  
He opened file after file in his phone, and what he made him smile, but it also made him cry. There were several video clips when they were young and an old email with an attached mp3 file of a song.

**Soonyoung Browsing his old phone**

<https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1299360498035486723/pu/vid/720x1238/blHzi9QnuJZvbQi2.mp4?tag=10>

**Lyrics of the Song that Jihoon sent Soonyoung thru Email**

****

**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qA4vSYGZYE&feature=youtu.be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qA4vSYGZYE&feature=youtu.be) **

Soonyoung remembered now. The last night of his life before he forgot everything, was the night he received the letter and the song from Jihoon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	66. Found and Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

** JIHOON **

He was in his room while his security guards, Seungkwan and Vernon were out in the living room pretending to ignore each other. They were assigned by Yoon Jeonghan to look after him but both were busy with whatever it was that was going on between the two friends. When he read in their groupchat that Soonyoung went out and hadn’t return, Jihoon silently open the door to his room and was shocked to find both of his guards making out in the living room. He silently tip toed towards his front door and hurriedly went out when he heard Seungkwan moan.  
  
He drove around for a while before he thought of going to their old university.He immediately ran to the building when he saw someone on the rooftop. It was a cold night, but Jihoon was panting and sweating when he reached the rooftop. He exhaled a big breath of relief when he saw Soonyoung sitting on the floor, his back leaning on the cement railing. Soonyoung was softly crying while he clutched his phone to his chest.  
  
“Soo- Soonie?” Jihoon called out. Soonyoung looked up, and to Jihoon’s surprise, he smiled through his tears.

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was getting more worried. They stopped their search for a while in a nearby convenience store since Rowoon needed to make some calls. The last time this sort of thing happened, he almost lost his friend. It was as if the same thing was happening again. They were lucky last time, but what if it happens again? He asked himself.  
  
Rowoon was on the phone, trying to reschedule meetings. He was supposed to fly that night to New York, but he postponed all his plans to look for Soonyoung. Wonwoo was in awe with just how much of a good guy Rowoon was, despite breaking his heart, he still tries very much to be there for Soonyoung. Sometimes he wished that Soonyoung would have just chosen Rowoon, but he knew just how much Soonyoung loves Jihoon. No matter how much pain Jihoon put Soonyoung through, the latter would always go back.  
  
“Hey, you don’t look too good.” Jun said. He took off his coat and forced Wonwoo to wear it. He then guided Wonwoo to a chair and gave him a cup of warm tea.  
  
“I don’t drink tea.”  
  
“Well, you’re drinking that one. It’s cold and you look pale. This will warm you up and calm you. So, please drink.” Jun said.  
  
“I don’t really-“  
  
“Don’t make me force feed you, Jeon, because I’ll do it.”  
  
Wonwoo laughed.  
  
“Fine.” Wonwoo grabbed the tea and the aroma was so inviting and calming that he took a sip. June smiled. He felt a little bit warmer, he just didn’t know if it was because of the tea or Jun.

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was shocked to see Jihoon on the rooftop. His first reaction was to smile, because happiness will always be his initial feeling whenever he sees Jihoon. Despite the pain and fear, there will always be happiness mixed with all the other painful emotions just for having the chance to see the other boy.  
  
Jihoon hesitated for a bit, before slowly walking to where Soonyoung was seated. He was just wearing a cardigan over a thin layer of clothing and his slippers were of different styles and brands, one was gucci and the other one was balenciaga. Jihoon slowly sat beside Soonyoung.  
  
They sat side by side for a while, but nobody wanted to break the silence. Soonyoung noticed that Jihoon was shivering. Luckily, Wonwoo made him wear several layers of sweater underneath his coat and a scarf, before letting him out of the house. So, Soonyoung took off his coat and gave it to Jihoon who refused at first but nonetheless wore it when Soonyoung insisted. He also took off his shoes and removed his socks. He slowly put them on Jihoon’s already freezing feet. He took his scarf and placed it on Jihoon’s neck. When he was satisfied that Jihoon was warm enough, he went back to his seat.  
  
“Soons?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I— I’m sorry.” Jihoon whispered. He wiped a tear that escaped him. Jihoon didn’t know where to start exactly. He didn’t know how to ask for forgiveness, he didn’t know if he deserve it.  
  
“I forgive you.” Soonyoung said as he took Jihoon’s hand in his.  
  
“Wha— what?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I keep thinking about it and I’m so exhausted. I just want to stop feeling this pain, and I can’t stop if I keep holding on to it.” Soonyoung said as he rub Jihoon’s hand.  
  
“Soo— Soonie...” Jihoon’s chin trembled as his eyes were filled to the brim with tears.

⛔️

  
“Ji, the last time I felt this way I jumped off a bridge. I wanted to end everything because I couldn’t take the pain. I remember how much it shattered me when I read your letter, how much I wanted everything to end with every second that I listened to your song.” Soonyoung said as tears traced down his cheeks. “When you said you didn’t love me, it killed the last breath of hope that I was holding on to. It was the time the darkness has engulf me completely, and there was no way out from that agony.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be that cruel. I’m so sorry, Soonyoung.” Jihoon was trembling as he cried with his head down, clinging on to Soonyoung’s hand for dear life. He shouldn’t have sent that song, it was a lie, a lie that almost cost the life of the person he loved most, and now he was the one in agony. The breath of hope that he can somehow fix his mistakes is slowly fading. But at that time it seemed like the best way to push Soonyoung away.

“It still hurts, Jihoon. I feel like I’m still at that bridge, reading your letter over and over again, listening to the song over and over again, praying over and over again that I misunderstood everything. I badly wished for everything you said to be a lie. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to think that you, my Jihoon could ever be so cruel to your Soonyoung. But you were, and my heart could not take it so I tried to end it.” Soonyoung said barely holding on to his control.

He wanted to lash out at Jihoon for putting him through that pain, but he couldn’t because he knew it’ll hurt him even more and there was not an ounce of anger in his heart. Soonyoung, despite of everything, could still not intentionally hurt Jihoon.  
  
“But it was a lie, Soonie. Everything I said and did, that song, that was a lie. I never, not even for a second, stopped loving you. Please, Soonyoung. Please, don’t leave me.” Jihoon moved from his position and knelt in front of Soonyoung. His body wracked with an onslaught of sobs and tears. He rubbed his hands together as if in prayer, begging Soonyoung to stay.

“Jihoon-ah, I love you with all of me and because I love you, I forgive you. I never hated you, not even when everything in my life fell apart. Even to my last breath, I loved you. But I think that we have hurt each other enough in this lifetime. I love you so much, but I feel that love isn’t enough. Along with that love, I still feel the pain of the wounds you’ve caused when you left. I’m not even sure if they even healed. I’m not sure how I’ll rid myself of this pain. And there will always be that question, if I wake up in the morning will you be there or gone.”  
  
“Soonyoung, I promise-“ Jihoon begged but Soonyoung interrupted him.  
  
“Promises don’t mean anything to an already shattered heart, Jihoon. I don’t know if love is enough to put me back together again.” Soonyoung said his throat tightening as he tried not to cry, but he lost control and let his tears escaped, when he saw just how much Jihoon was in pain.  
  
“Then give me a chance to prove to you that I will not leave ever again. Please, Soonyoung. Please, don’t leave me. Please. I can’t live without you. I beg you. I love you so much.” Jihoon said as he fell into gut-wrenching sobs that tore through his chest.  
  
Soonyoung engulf the other boy in a tight embrace.  
  
“I’m sorry, Jihoon. I used to be so brave when it comes to you. I didn’t fear anything and felt that I can do anything because of you. But now, all I have is fear. You took away my courage to love you. I am nothing but a broken shell. You don’t deserve that kind of love. I’m so sorry.”  
Soonyoung said as he cried and held on to the boy he loved with everything in him. But he knew, even that, was not enough reason for him to stay. He knew he was broken, and if he stayed, he’ll just continue hurting the other, until there’s nothing left of their love but pain.  
  
It took all of his strength to let go of Jihoon. He stood up but Jihoon continued clinging onto him.  
  
“Please, please Soonyoung, I love you. I love you.” Jihoon cried.  
  
Soonhoon helped Jihoon up. He wiped away Jihoon’s tears.  
  
“I love you.” Soonyoung said as he gave Jihoon a tight embrace. He then loosened his hold and kissed Jihoon on the forehead. He then let go and walked away from the person he loved most even through the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	67. Soonyoung's Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was softly crying at the bottom of the stairs when he heard Soonyoung said good bye to Jihoon. Jihoon and Soonyoung were his best friends in the whole world. They were together for a long time. If there was one person who knew how much those two love each other, it was him. He witnessed how both fell in love with each other. He also witnessed their pain. He cried thinking about just much strength it took for Soonyoung to walk away from Jihoon.  
  
When Soonyoung saw Wonwoo, he ran to him and buried himself into his arms. The sound of Soonyoung’s sobs echoed through the empty building, as he cried for the boy that he left behind in the place where they confessed to each other and also where they ended their love for each other.  
  
Wonwoo guided Soonyoung to Rowoon’s car. Nobody asked what happened. But Wonwoo asked Jun to stay and make sure that Jihoon was alright. Soonyoung fell asleep on the way that Rowoon had to carry him into the apartment, where he stayed for the rest of the night.

**JUN**

Jun waited for Jihoon by the bottom of the stairs. He wanted to go and comfort Jihoon, but he knew the other wanted to be alone. His heart hurt from the sound of Jihoon’s crying. It broke even further when he saw Jihoon still kneeling on the floor where he broke down when Soonyoung left. He was clutching his heart as he cried for the lost of his love.  
  
When Jihoon was almost close to fainting, Jun went and helped the boy up.  
  
“Ji?”  
  
“Jun, he left me.” Jihoon said and fainted.

**ROWOON**

Rowoon stayed with Wonwoo and Soonyoung to make sure that everything was okay. It was late in the night and he was in the living room still making calls, when Soonyoung found him.  
  
“Hey, you’re awake.” Rowoon put down his phone and went to Soonyoung who still look dazed. His eyes were swollen and puffy from crying. Soonyoung held on to Rowoon and cried.  
  
“Ruru, please, take me away. Please get me away from here. I don’t think I can live another day here knowing that Jihoon’s there. It hurts so much.” Soonyoung cried in Rowoon’s arms, desperate to escape from the pain.  
  
“Soonie, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, you know that. But you have to be sure, that this is what you want. Why don’t you think about it and tell me—“  
  
“No, I want to leave. Please help me leave.” Soonyoung begged.  
  
“I’ll go with you.” Wonwoo said from his bedroom door. They didn’t notice him join the conversation.  
  
“Wonu, your life is here.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“My life is wherever the both of us are. I’m not leaving you. This time, please let me take care of you.” Wonwoo said and walked nearer to Rowoon and Soonyoung.  
  
“I’m not going to let you leave me here, Kwon Soonyoung.” Wonwoo insisted.  
  
“But your school, I can’t let you—“  
  
“There are plenty of law schools. I can work and I can—“  
  
Rowoon shocked both Wonwoo and Soonyoung when he grabbed both of them into a hug.  
  
“I know both of you are trying to escape something and I promise to help. But I want you to think about it first.” Rowoon said as he release both of his friends from the hug.  
  
“I’m sure.”  
  
“If he’s going, I’m going.” Wonwoo said.  
  
Rowoon sigh. He knew he was in a losing battle trying to convince both his friends to stay. He was also convinced that Soonyoung needed to get a way from this place to heal. But he wasn’t sure if it’s the right move.”  
  
“Okay, I’ll make the arrangements but only if Doc Haneul agrees.”

**JIHOON**

Jihoon woke up in his bed. It was dark in the apartment. The last thing he remembered was Jun helping him stand up and everything went black.  
  
He then remembered that Soonyoung left him. He wanted everything to end, but he took the pain as punishment for everything he did wrong. It was his punishment for every tear that Soonyoung cried because of him. It was for every pain he ever caused Soonyoung.  
  
He wanted to go to Soonyoung and beg some more. Maybe he can still change his mind. Maybe there was still something that he could do to convince Soonyoung to stay with him. But he stopped himself, because he promised. He promised Soonyoung before he asked him to be his boyfriend, that he will do anything for him, even to say goodbye. All Soonyoung need to do was ask, and he will strive to love him from afar.  
  
He stood up and went to the piano. Music was probably the only thing left that could comfort him. It was also probably the only way that he could express just how much he loves Soonyoung. He wanted to properly say good bye before letting go. His last letter to Soonyoung was a lie, he wanted to write one which contains the truth. The truth of just how much he loves him, that he’s willing to let him go.  
  


He placed his camera beside him and took a video of himself playing the piano. He then started playing a sad melody.

**Jihoon Playing the Piano**

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFk4cxOwuEc&feature=youtu.be](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFk4cxOwuEc&feature=youtu.be)

Then wrote the lyrics, pouring all of his sadness and all of his love to the song. He titled the song “The Letter.” His last letter before goodbye.

**Jihoon's Lyrics**

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs included:  
> Song Included:  
> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!
> 
> Songs included:


	68. Jun's Gift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**WONWOO**

It was a week after Soonyoung and Jihoon separated, and Soonyoung has completely broken down. He stayed in his room most of the time, completely leaving the management of the studio to Jun. Jun came to the apartment everyday just to check on them. He also looks after Soonyoung whenever Wonwoo has classes. He wanted to give up going since they’re leaving anyway, but Soonyoung insisted that he goes. He knew his best friend just didn’t want him cooped up in the house. Eventhough he himself wasn’t really going anywhere.  
  
Their friends tried to visit as much as they can, but most of them were busy with work. Jeonghan was torn between staying with Soonyoung and going to check on Jihoon.  
  
He was thankful for Rowoon and Jun for helping them sort out everything. They haven’t told anyone yet that they were leaving and starting their life somewhere new.  
  
Rowoon was heaven sent. Their planned of moving to New York was a go. He made his secretary prepare all the paperworks. He also looked for an apartment for both of them, but since Soonyoung was going to take from break from work and Wonwoo was hoping to study and work at the same time, their options were limited. Rowoon also wouldn’t allow Soonyoung to spend much of his savings. So, he just told them to move in with him since his place was big enough for everyone. He also travels a lot so it’ll be like they own the place. Soonyoung didn’t want to at first, but Rowoon has a magic pout.  
  
Doc Haneul agreed that a change of scenery would be good but advised them that running away was not going to solve anything. Soonyoung still needs therapy, so he wanted to refer Soonyoung to some therapist in New York but Soonyoung refused. So, they agreed to just talk through video call. Wonwoo got worried about that arrangement, but Rowoon assured him that he talked to the doctor. Doc Haneul was also worried about it, but Rowoon agreed to fly Haneul to New York once a month for personal check up.  
  
Everything was set. It was his last week in his old school before officially transferring to his new school. He didn’t want to at first since he definitely could not afford it but Rowoon insisted. He hired him in the company which allowed him to get a company scholarship.  
  
Soonyoung owned the apartment, so they agreed to rent it out. Jun was going to take care of that. He said there was a new couple who was looking for a place.  
  
They were all set to leave in 3 days and they haven’t told anybody yet except for Jun and Jeonghan.  
  
Wonwoo was in the kitchen sorting through their things and packing the stuff that they were going to bring and disposing the others, when Jun came in bringin an brown paper bag.  
  
“Hey, need help?” Jun asked. He went to sit on the kitchen counter.  
  
“You offered help and then sat down.”  
  
“Come here for a second, will you?” Jun asked. Wonwoo raised his eyebrow, put down the mug he was packing, and went to Jun. Jun pulled Wonwoo closer to him that he was resting between Jun’s legs.  
  
“Tadan!” Jun said as he revealed what’s inside the paper bag.  
  
“Ice cream?” Wonwoo was about to pull away but Jun held him in place by wrapping his legs around him playfully.  
  
“This my dearest Wonwoo is not just any ice cream. It’s goguma flavored ice cream!” Jun said excitedly. Wonwoo laughed and flicked Jun’s forehead. Wonwoo tried to get away but Jun won’t let him, instead the other boy hugged him.  
  
“I’m going to miss you, guys.” Jun whispered.  
  
“I’m going to miss you too.” Wonwoo replied.  
  
“So, do you want to play with me later? You, me, and this ice cream.” Jun said, smirking suggestively at Wonwoo, who laughed at his friend’s playfulness.  
  
“Yah, you’re such a pervert.” Wonwoo said sucessfuly pushing Jun away and went back to his packing.  
  
“What? I was referring to a game of Mario Kart while eating the ice cream. What were you thinking Jeon?” Jun playfully asked and got off the kitchen counter. He walked behind Wonwoo rested his hands on the boy’s hips to pull him closer. “I know what you have in mind.” Jun whispered brushing his lips on Wonwoo’s ear.  
  
Wonwoo just laughed and turned to face Jun who took the opportunity to embrace Wonwoo.  
  
“I’m going to miss you.” Jun whispered.  
  
“I’m going to miss you too.” Wonwoo replied as he returned the hug.  
  
“I know nothing has changed and Mingyu is still the one, even until now. I know that. But thank you for letting me stay with you, hug you despite knowing my feelings.” Jun said.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Wonwoo moved back from the hug to take a good look at Jun. “I’m sorry for putting you through that.”  
  
Jun just shook his head in dissent.  
  
“No need for apologies, Jeon Wonwoo. But if you’re really sorry, then go with me on a date later? No expectations, just sex—“ Wonwoo flicked his forehead and laughed.  
  
“I’m joking, but not about the dinner. No expectations. I promise.” Jun said.  
  
“Fine, but I need—“  
  
“Seokmin and Seungkwan promised to stay with Soonyoung. Don’t worry, okay?” Jun said.  
  
“I still have to tell the guys that we’re leaving.”  
  
“One step at a time.” Jun said and released Wonwoo from the hug and finally went to help with the packing.

**SEUNGCHEOL**

Seungcheol was in Jihoon’s apartment doing a bit of cleaning. Jihoon refused to leave his apartment and stayed mostly in his home studio. His apartment was a mess, living mostly on deliveries and booze. Lots and lots of booze.  
  
They try to take turns looking after Jihoon, but most of them had jobs. The only good thing about Jihoon’s current lifestyle are the songs. He written three songs in a week.  
  
Hyukjae was a bit pissed that Jihoon had been absent for a week, but could not do anything about it when he found out that Donghae forged his signature and signed a two weeks paid vacation for Jihoon.  
  
“Jihoon?” Seungcheol called out before going inside the studio. He found Jihoon on his computer chair, listening to his new track, crying.  
  
“Hey, Jihoon-ah.” Seungcheol squatted in front of Jihoon who rested his head on Seungcheol’s shoulder. “It’s going to be alright.”  
  
“How? How will things be right if it’s without Soonyoung? I try to convince myself that I did it before and I could do it again. But why does it feel so different now? Before felt like an ellipsis, not I feel the finality of a period. How am I going to live without him, Cheol?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I don’t know, but whatever and however it is, we’re here for you.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“Thank you. I know that I’ve been a mess.”  
  
“Jihoon, there’s something that you must know.” Seungcheol said. Jeonghan told him about Soonyoung’s plan to leave with Rowoon. They argued whether to tell Jihoon or not. But Seungcheol convinced Jeonghan that it would be better if they tell Jihoon, keeping secrets was the reason for all this mess.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Soonyoung’s leaving for New York in three days.”  
  
“Fo-for a vacation?” Jihoon asked hopeful. He may not be with Soonyoung, but he was hoping that he could at least still see the latter, especially since their company work closely together.  
  
“They’re moving there for good. Wonwoo’s going too. Rowoon helped them.”  
  
“What?! Why the f*ck is that Rowoon still here?” Jihoon said and stood up. He took a coat from the closet and grab his keys. But Seungcheol stopped him before he could get out.  
  
“Calm down! Jihoon, where are you even going?”

“I’m going to beat the f*ck out of Rowoon! So, get out of my way.” Jihoon said as he pushed Seungcheol away.  
  
“Jihoon stop it!” Seungcheol block Jihoon’s way.  
  
“Tell me Seungcheol, that was the plan all along wasn’t it!?”  
  
“What are you saying Jihoon? Think twice before you verbalize those thoughts. Because once you say it, you won’t be able to take it back.” Seungcheol warned. “Rowoon is just being a friend. He’s just—“  
  
“Do you really believe that?” Jihoon snapped.  
  
“Yes, because I know Rowoon. He’s a good friend and he cares a lot for Soonyoung.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“Unlike me you mean? I fucking left my boyfriend without saying a word, and when he was already down I sent him a song telling him I didn’t love him, that almost—“  
  
“Stop it Jihoon! This isn’t you! I know how much you loved Soonyoung. So, you have to move on. You said yourself in your song, you’re letting go.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“I can’t. I can’t live without him.” For the first time in a week, Jihoon left his apartment.

**ROWOON**

Jun was taking Wonwoo out to dinner. Seungkwan and Seokmin was suppose to keep Soonyoung company but they asked him to distract Soonyoung first as they were running late. It seemed that the other boy had done nothing but stay in his room the whole week, so he planned something to cheer him up.  
  
“Soonie?” He grabbed the blanket and jumped up and down on Soonyoung’s bed.  
  
“Yah! Kim Rowoon stop it! I swear—“ But Soonyoung was not able to finish his sentence because the next thing he knew Rowoon put him over his shoulders and carried him to the bathroom.  
  
“Put me down, Rowoon!”  
  
Rowoon put him down in the bathroom and started taking Soonyoung’s clothes off.  
  
“Yah! Stop it! What are you doing?” Soonyoung yelled as he tried to stop Rowoon from taking his pants off.  
  
“Soonie, there’s nothing there that I haven’t seen before. So strip and take a shower! I’m taking you somewhere and I prefer it if you don’t smell.” Rowoon said.  
  
“I’m not going!”  
  
“Oh yes, you are Kwon Soonyoung. You’re going to take a bath or should I do it for you?”  
  
“No way! Let me out!”  
  
“You leave me no choice.” So, Rowoon pick Soonyoung up again and deposited him in the shower.  
  
“Yah! Ruru! Stop!” But Rowoon wrapped his arms around Soonyoung who kept trying to get a way, and turned on the shower drenching both of them.  
  
“You’re crazy!” Soonyoung said. “Get out!”  
  
Rowoon let go of Soonyoung and went out of the bathroom.  
  
Ten minutes later, Rowoon clad in Soonyoung’s clothes, dressed a pouting Soonyoung up in the warmest clothes he could find and then pulled him out of the apartment.

**Rowoon's Instagram Post**

****

**WONWOO**

Jun asked Wonwoo to meet at a nearby restaurant for dinner. He was seated near the window. He scanned the restaurant for Jun but the guy was not there. He was about to pull out his phone to text Jun, when Mingyu came in with an envelop.  
  
He hesitantly waved and slowly walked towards Wonwoo.  
  
“Hyung, hi..”  
  
“Hi.”  
  
“I’m here—“  
  
“Don’t worry explaining. I’m actually here for Jun.”  
  
“I know, hyung. He sent me here.” Mingyu said. “I also know you’re leaving for New York. Jun hyung told me.”

“That big mouth—“  
  
“Here.” Mingyu gave Wonwoo the envelope from Jun. It contained a letter.

**Jun's Letter to Wonwoo**

****

****

Wonwoo laughed at Jun’s letter. He shooked his head at how ridiculous his friend was. The letter was so Jun. He felt bad for not being able to return his affections but he was thankful that Jun understood.  
  
He looked up at Mingyu, who remained standing and watched him expectantly.  
  
“Sit down. You owe me dinner.” Wonwoo said. Mingyu smiled and rushed to the table, but he bumped his leg and caused the drinks to spill.  
  
“Sorry! Sorry!” Mingyu said as he tried to clean up the mess. Wonwoo laughed at the already familiar sight.  
  
“You never change, Kim Mingyu.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	69. Meanie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!

**SOONYOUNG**

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

Soonyoung was feeling better. He was still hurting, but he promised himself to be better. For the past week, he allowed himself to wallow in his pain. But Rowoon was right, he needed to get out and try to at least live his life, even if everything seemed bleak. So, he went out with Rowoon. They did what they usually do when they were a couple sans the kissing. They watched a movie getting all the junk food that they could carry. Then they walked down to a tent near the theater and eat some more. They got ice cream from their go to store, mint chocolate on top of a strawberry flavored one.  
  
“Earth to Soonie!” Rowoon yelled at Soonyoung’s ear which earned him a playful slap. “Everything alright?”  
  
“Yah! I almost dropped the ice cream!” Soonyoung said.  
  
“I can always buy more.”  
  
“No more buying. You’re practically adopting me in New York.”  
  
“Will you be my sugar baby then?”  
Rowoon offered his hand to Soonyoung, who laughed but nonetheless took it.  
  
“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“It’s okay, Soons. I was just joking.” Rowoon laughed and pulled Soonyoung into a hug.  
  
“I’m sorry for leaving, the way I did. I asked for space, for just a break. I told you that it’s a not yet, but I left you on hold and—“  
  
“Stop it. It’s okay Soonie. I understand.”  
  
“But—“  
  
“Soons, you must know by now just how much I love you. I told you before that there was nothing that I will never do for you and I do it with no expectation of anything in return.” Rowoon whispered. He stopped and made Soonyoung face him. “I just want you to be safe and happy, love. There’s nothing else that I want, just that.”  
  
“Ruru..” Soonyoung said as he buried his tear stained face on Rowoon’s chest. He should have just chose Rowoon he thought, but he knew deep down he couldn’t. It has always been Jihoon. Even now that he was hurting, it is still Jihoon.  
  
“Come on, enough sad talk and let’s enjoy the highlight of the evening. Kwon Soonyoung, I present to you the playground!” Rowoon said in an announcer voice that made Soonyoung laugh even louder. It was their favorite playground where Rowoon first confessed to Soonyoung.  
  
They played around like kids, just enjoying the night and the company.

**JIHOON**

Jihoon couldn’t decide whether go to Soonyoung’s apartment or not. So he hung out at a bar and decided to drink for a bit. By the time that he decided, it was already late and he was already a bit drunk. He arrived in time to see Rowoon and Soonyoung walking hand in hand towards a nearby playground. They were talking softly to each other while eating their shared ice cream.  
  
He walked and followed them. When they arrived in the park, he watched as Rowoon assisted Soonyoung when he tried to reach for the monkey bar, helping him cross to the other side. He then helped him climb the stairs and waited at the bottom as Soonyoung slid down the metal slide. When Soonyoung sat on the swing, Rowoon pushed him from behind. Making Soonyoung laugh when Rowoon pushed the swing harder and harder. When Soonyoung said he wanted to jump, Rowoon immediately ran to the front, and prepared to catch Soonyoung, who jumped and was caught by Rowoon. Rowoon, then carried Soonyoung to the roundabout and starting pushing it and running in circles. When he deemed the speed was enough, he also step on it and they turned in circles, laughing at their silliness.  
  
Jihoon watched Soonyoung laughed for the first time in weeks. He watched and marveled at how Rowoon treated Soonyoung with gentleness. He marveled at how carefree Soonyoung looked, just enjoying the company without any complication and fear. Jihoon laughed when Soonyoung almost fell off the roundabout, but Rowoon caught him.  
He laughed again when Soonyoung accidentally kicked Rowoon in the nut. But his laughter soon turned in cries. He sat on the bench a little bit dizzy and covered his mouth to keep himself from making a sound.  
  
Seungcheol was right, Rowoon takes good care of Soonyoung, better than he could ever do. There was no pain in their relationship. No old wounds and scars that would mar their love. Seungcheol was right, that he should just step back and let go, since all he brings Soonyoung was pain and tears. He loved him but he also hurt him.

**MINGYU**

They went through dinner exchanging polite conversations. Mingyu was still feeling hesitant, so he just smiled whenever he wasn’t sure as to how to respond to Wonwoo. When they finished dinner, Mingyu still wasn’t able to say what he really wanted to say. He didn’t want to drive Wonwoo further away. He believed he already pushed him to the limit when he tried to make him jealous with Wonwoo. He learned his lesson. He told himself that from now on, he will be mindful of Wonwoo’s feeling and just trust him.  
  
They walked out of the restaurant, he wanted to grabbed Wonwoo into a hug but he settled for a simple goodbye.  
  
“Goodbye Wonwoo Hyung. Take care.” Mingyu said as he moved away from Wonwoo.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Wha-what?”  
  
“That’s it?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Well, you’ve been restrained throughout dinner. What’s going on?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“I’m not restrained.”  
  
“Oh come on Kim Mingyu, I know you. That was not you, well except when you spilled the glasses earlier.”  
  
Mingyu remained quiet as they slowly walked to the parking lot where Mingyu parked his car.  
  
“I’m scared.” Mingyu finally said and looked down the floor. He clenched his fist trying to stop his eyes from being filled with tears and his lips trembling. But he failed.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Wonwoo reached out for Mingyu’s face and brushed the tears away. “Why are you scared?”  
  
“I’m scared of making a mistake again and pushing you further away. I know already lost you, but I don’t want you to hate me. I’m content with this, even just before you leave for good.” Mingyu said.  
  
“Mingyu—“  
  
“You were right, Hyung. I pushed you even when you weren’t ready, I even went behind you back just to convince you and disregarded your say in the matter. I tested your feelings and didn’t trust you enough to quietly wait. I was worried Jun Hyung was going to take you away from me. You two were always close and well when I saw you making out, I thought...”  
  
“You thought?”  
  
“I thought I was losing you all over again. I’m sorry hyung, about Eunwoo. You have to believe me when I say that I did those things with good intentions. I’m so sorry.”  
Mingyu said as he cried harder. Wonwoo wrapped his arms around the crying boy and embraced him tightly.  
  
“Then he told me that maybe the reason why you were with Jun was because you thought I was moving on, and that’s why you.. I panicked. I’m so sorry.” Mingyu continued and sobbed, so Wonwoo held him tighter.  
  
“Shh... It’s okay. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’ve been an ass for pushing you away when all I wanted to do was make you stay. But I just wanted to prove to you that I wasn’t staying with you because I have to, but because I want to. I just felt so small when you talked about plans and you’ll say that you’ll take care of everything. I’m sorry for lashing out on you with the Eunwoo thing. It hurt when you didn’t trust my feelings.” Wonwoo said.  
  
“Hyung—“  
  
“Listen to me first, Jun is a very good friend. Yes, some things did happened—“ Wonwoo put his fingers on Mingyu’s hand to stop him from talking when he saw the other boy eyes widen. “Things happened. We made out and other things, but we didn’t have sex. The night you came to the apartment, Minghao was with us but he left early. We fooled around in the kitchen but that was it.” Wonwoo explained.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Mingyu, I hardly think you have the reason to be mad when we were broken up at that time. But I’m telling you this because even until now I don’t want to have secrets from you.” Wonwoo said but Mingyu just stayed quiet and sat on the hood of his car.  
  
“Gyu, I’m leaving in three days. So, can we please fix this, even just out friendship?” Wonwoo said, irritated when he realized that Mingyu was no longer in his arms and that no part of them were in contact.  
  
“I’m not mad. I’m just thinking before speaking.” Mingyu said.  
  
“Wow, that’s new.” Wonwoo teased.  
  
“Hyung!” Mingyu whined.  
  
“I know I’m leaving Mingyu-ah, but I want you back.” Wonwoo said which made Mingyu who still on the car’s hood look up to him.  
  
“I know the situation isn’t ideal. I know it’s going to be difficult but I want you back. I love you and if there’s one thing I learned from being away from each other is that you will always be the one that I want and that we should always be honest with how we feel about each other. I love you and I want you back, if you’ll have me even if I’ll be 6,842 miles away from you.” Wonwoo said. Mingyu started crying harder so Wonwoo hugged the other boy again.  
  
“Please stop crying, I’m sorry for hurting you—“

“I’m crying because I’m so happy, hyung. What happened with Jun hyung doesn’t matter, I’m just happy that you still love me, because I love you so much. I promise I’ll never nag you again or make you—“  
  
“No, Mingyu. I just want you to be yourself.”  
  
“But what if I hurt you again? I’m talkative, clumsy, and most of the time dramatic. I hurt you with my—“  
  
“I love you just the same. I love your whiny, clumsy and dramatic ass, babe. If ever that happens, I’ll tell you that your hurt me and then apologize. Then, you tell me if I hurt you and I’ll apologize. I love you but that doesn’t mean we’re not ever going to hurt each other. When that happens, instead of walking away, I want us to talk it out. I want us to always fight for this love, even against each other. Because I’m planning on holding onto you for a very long time, and I hope you feel the same way. I want to be with you forever.” Wonwoo said.  
  
Mingyu sobbed harder on Wonwoo’s chest. Wonwoo couldn’t help but worry until Mingyu responded.  
  
“I love you too hyung. I love you so much and I missed you.”  
  
“I missed you too.  
  
“So, what are we now?” Mingyu asked sniffing a bit while he looked up to Wonwoo.  
  
“My fate is in your hands Mingyu. Anything’s fine, with me.”  
  
“Well, I want you to be mine again. I want your commitment as a boyfriend. But I want you to want it, not just because I want to.” Mingyu pouted and Wonwoo could no longer stop himself. He leaned in an captured Mingyu’s lips into his, the latter gasp from shock and Wonwoo took the opportunity to slip his tongue to Mingyu’s deepening the kiss.  
  
Mingyu ended the kiss with a slight push.  
  
“You didn’t answer the question.” Mingyu pouted. Wonwoo brushed his fingers on Mingyu’s lips and smiled.  
  
“Then stop pouting so I can actually answer the question.” Mingyu bit his lips and Wonwoo took his lips again and Mingyu had to stop Wonwoo again.  
  
“Sorry, baby.” Wonwoo said when Mingyu crossed his arms and frowned. “I love you and I want to be in a relationship with you, Kim Mingyu. If you’ll have me, then I want to be yours again.”  
  
“Yes!” Mingyu then quickly pulled Wonwoo into his arms as they resumed their make out session on the hood of Mingyu’s car. “I missed you so much babes.” Mingyu said in between kisses.  
  
“I love that but can you just call me hyung?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“Hyung?”  
  
“Ughh!” Wonwoo moaned into the kisses.  
  
“Oh,” Mingyu said when he realized why Wonwoo moaned. “then Hyung do you want to go home?” Mingyu said as his hands find their way under Wonwoo’s shirt.  
  
“You really don’t think I’m just going to let you go tonight without having my way with you?” Wonwoo said as stopped kissing to glare at his boyfriend.  
  
“I only meant, let’s go home. Unless you want to have sex here in the middle of the parking lot.” Mingyu said.  
  
“Right. Let’s go.” Wonwoo said blushing hard when he realized he just publicly made out with his boyfriend and would have gone further if not for Mingyu stopping him.  
  
“Okay, hyung.” Mingyu teased.  
  
“Okay say it just like that, when you’re under me.” Wonwoo smiled as he went inside the car.  
  
“What? Why me? I want to—“  
  
“Take it or leave it.”  
  
“Hyung...”  
  
“Stop whining and maybe I’ll switch with you after a few rounds.” Wonwoo teased.  
  
They laughed at themselves not quite believing what just happened. Mingyu reached out for Wonwoo’s hand.  
  
“I love you Wonu Hyung.”  
  
“I love you too.”

**Mingyu's Instagram Post**

**Jun Twitter Post**

****


	70. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung laughed at Rowoon who was trying to fit himself into the tube slide.  
  
“Come on Ruru, don’t a coward and just go for it.” Soonyoung teased.  
  
“Easy for you to say bec. you’re small.”  
  
“Yah, I’m not small! You’re just a giant!”  
  
Rowoon laughed and sucessfuly slid down. He then teasingly tagged Soonyoung.  
  
“Tagged you’re it!” Rowoon said then run away.  
  
“No that’s unfair!” Soonyoung yelled and went after Rowoon. They ran around the playground like kids, playing tag, until Soonyoung was exhausted from all the running.  
  
“Let’s go home.” Soonyoung said. The moment he stopped running around, thoughts of Jihoon came rushing back. He loves Jihoon, but there will always be that doubt in his mind. He couldn’t trust himself to completely forget about everything that happened. He told Jihoon he had forgiven him, and it’s true. But it wasn’t enough to assure him that they won’t be hurting each other again and he couldn’t take that risk anymore. Soonyoung felt that, their love was not worth fighting for anymore.  
  
“Hey, I know that look. Come on, you want me to carry you on my back? You’re always welcome to cry on my shoulders.” Rowoon asked. Soonyoung hopped on Rowoon’s back and buried his face on Rowoon’s shoulder, softly crying again.  
When they were in front, Rowoon stopped and let Soonyoung down.  
  
“You’re not coming in?” Soonyoung asked. Wonwoo rarely leaves him to sleep alone, and he thought Rowoon was the one going to keep him company that night. Rowoon just shook his head and gave Soonyoung a kiss on the forehead before saying good night.  
  
When Soonyoung arrived at the apartment he was surprised to see Seokmin and Seungkwan in the living room where they created a fort out of pillows and blankets. They also had a table set up with different skin care products.  
  
“Hyung! We told Rowoon hyung to distract you for a short while and he completely hijacked our night out!” Seungkwan complained.  
  
Soonyoung laughed and watched his favorite dongsaengs pout while setting up the table full of cosmetics.  
  
“Uhm.. what are we doing?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“First, we’re going to pamper our skin with tadah!” Seungkwan gestured to all the skin products on the table.  
  
“Then we’re going to ruin it by staying up all night watching netflix and eating junk food!” Seokmin jokingly added. Soonyoung laughed at the duo.  
  
“I’m going to miss you guys.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Hyung?” Seungkwan asked.  
  
“I decided to move to New York.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“What?” Seokmin asked.  
  
“Jun and I decided the business needs to expand—“  
  
“Cut the crap Kwon Soonyoung, you’re running away!” Seungkwan snapped. Seokmin, on the other hand, just stayed quiet. Soonyoung looked down the floor.  
  
“No, I’m not running away. I’m letting go.” Soonyoung whispered. When he looked up, there were already tears in his eyes.  
  
“Hyung, don’t cry.” Seokmin said as he pulled Soonyoung to sit in between him and Seungkwan. He draped his arms around Soounyoung, while Seungkwan apologetically held his hand.  
  
“We can’t keep hurting each other, and I know in my current state I won’t be able to stop myself from doing that. I will always have doubts, I will lash out on him, maybe even be angry at him and I’ll hurt him, then nothing will remain of the real us. There won’t be love in that relationship, and eventually we’ll just grow to resent each other. I don’t want that. I love him too much to put him through that.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“But hyung, what if you don’t? You’re talking as if those things will happen.” Seungkwan insisted.  
  
“Because I know it will.”  
  
“Jihoon hyung, will find a way through that.” Seokmin said.  
  
“Like he found a way the first time? Look at where we ended up.” Soonyoung said with a hint of resentment.  
  
“Hyung, are you angry at Jihoon hyung?” Seokmin asked.  
  
“I thought I wasn’t, but maybe I am. I love him with all my heart, but I’m angry that it was so easy of him to dispose of this before and now he’s acting like he did it all for me.”  
  
“But he did hyung..”  
  
“He should have asked me what I wanted! And look where that got me, look where that gotten us. Then he’s still did it again, he was asked to go to New York and he didn’t even tell me. I can’t anymore. Jihoon think he knows what’s best for us, he didn’t stop to think if what’s best for us is just being honest with each other.”  
  
The younger boys just continued to hug Soonyoung. They didn’t know what else to say to make their hyung feel better. After their tear fest, they eventually proceed to their agend of the night.  
  
They were adding different products on their faces when Wonwoo and Mingyu burst into the room, with Wonwoo pushing Mingyu against the wall and started making out. They were too shocked to make a sound and just continued watching, until Mingyu wrapped his legs around Wonwoo and they started screaming. Mingyu and Wonwoo was so shocked that Wonwoo dropped Mingyu, butt first on the floor.  
  
“Ouch! What the—“ He stopped when he saw the three laughing at them like crazy.  
  
Wonwoo pulled Mingyu up to his feet, and pulled him towards his group of friends and joined their night out.

**Wonwoo'a Instagram Post**

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

****

**Seungkwan's Instagram Post**

****

**ROWOON**

Rowoon went back to the park. He knew he saw someone familiar on the bench when he was walking Soonyoung home, and he was right. Slouched on one of the benches was Jihoon. His shoulders were shaking as he tried to sob quietly into his hands.  
  
“Jihoon-ssi?” Jihoon looked up and immediately stood up and rub his face. He started walking away but Rowoon stopped him. Rowoon noticed that Jihoon reeked of alcohol.  
  
“Wait, Jihoon please.”  
  
“What?” Jihoon asked coldly.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah, I got to go.” Jihoon tried to walk away but sat back down again. He was feeling groggy from the alcohol.  
  
“Look, I know we’re not friends. But please let me help you.”  
  
“I’m okay. Just leave me alone!”  
  
“I can’t. Soonyoung will never forgive me, if I do.” Rowoon explained. “Look, just let me call someone for you.”  
  
“Rowoon, I know you’re leaving with Soonyoung. Was that his idea or yours?” Jihoon asked. Rowoon took a deep breath and sat beside Jihoon on the bench.

“Look, Jihoon, you clearly don’t know me. But I will never force Soonyoung to do something that he doesn’t want to, nor will I stop him from doing something that he wants, as long as it’s good for him. I’m not taking him away from you. I will never to that to Soonyoung.”  
  
“I know.” Jihoon interrupted.  
  
“Then—“  
  
“It just hurts more knowing that. It hurts more that he’s the one who wants to get away from me.”  
  
“Jihoon—“  
  
“It’s ok. It’s all my fault.”  
  
“He’s not doing it to hurt you.” Rowoon interrupted.  
  
“No, it—“  
  
“No, listen to me. It’s important that you understand that Soonyoung will never ever do anything to deliberately hurt you. He’s not that kind of person. He’s in pain Jihoon. Every minute, I see his struggle to keep himself afloat. I see how much he loves you, but is too lost and too weak to fight for that. So, please don’t ever think that.” Rowoon explained while Jihoon cried. Rowoon gave Jihoon a pat on the shoulder trying calm the other down, but he just cried harder.  
  
“Take care of him.”  
  
“Always.” Rowoon promised. “I’ll call Seungcheol Hyung.”  
  
They sat on the bench in silence, side by side, as they wait for Seungcheol to arrive.

**Wonwoo to Group Chat**

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**Mingyu Instagram Post**

****

**JIHOON**

The guys were having fun, despite the reason of the gathering. He felt like he was the only one dreading the days to come. He stared at Soonyoung from across the room. Just like him, he can feel the sadness from Soonyoung’s smile. He can still see the other’s unshed tears. He wanted to just be near him, but fear stopped him. He already did so many mistakes, he feared to add another one. So, he settled for just looking at the other boy, while he tried to mask his sadness with fake smiles. He spent the entire dinner just staring at Soonyoung, memorizing every blink, every smile, the way he brushed his hair away from his face, the way he covered his mouth when he was shy. Jihoon already knew this all, but he wanted to make sure everything is carved into his heart permanently.  
  
Soonyoung looked up and caught Jihoon staring at him. Soonyoung smiled. It was a sad smile full of love but also full of uncertainty, and for a little bit there was light in Jihoon’s world again. Jihoon could only smile back. He clenched his fist by his side, stopping himself from crying, and refusing to add even just a bit of distress to Soonyoung.  
  
Before he could stop himself, he found himself mouthing the words: “I love you.”  
  
Soonyoung smiled and teared up a little and also silently responded: “I love you too.”  
  
Then Soonyoung broke their connection, and just like that, he was engulf in darkness again.  
  
When the dinner ended, they said their good byes. Their friends hugged Wonwoo and Soonyoung, promising to keep in touch and to visit each other. Jihoon stayed on the side, not really knowing what to do.  
  
“Hey Ji,” Wonwoo said offering his hand “take care of yourself okay?”  
  
“You too. Take care of yourself and of Soounyoung.” Jihoon said accepting Wonwoo’s hand shake. But before he can let go, Wonwoo pulled the other boy into a hug and immediately let go and walked away.  
  
Jihoon watched as Soongoung walked towards the car, where Wonwoo and Mingyu were waiting. But before completely disappearing, he faced Jihoon and waved goodbye and then Jihoon watched as Soonyoung disappeared into the car.  
  
“Come on, Jihoon-ah. Let’s go home.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“You guys go ahead. I’ll just walk around some more.”  
  
“Jihoon, let’s go home.” Jeonghan insisted.  
  
“I’m okay hyung. You guys go ahead. I’ll text you okay.” Then he hurriedly walked away, no longer being able to stop himself from crying. He kept crying not really knowing where to go. Until, he found himself, once again walking to the university rooftop. It was the only place now, he thought, that was close to Soonyoung. He needed to be somewhere close to Soonyoung or his heart was going to burst with loneliness. But when he opened the door, he was greeted by Soonyoung’s silhouette, standing while he stared at the night’s view.  
  
“Hey Jihoonie, you didn’t think I’d leave just like that without saying goodbye, right?” Soonyoung asked as he faced Jihoon.  
  
Jihoon could no longer take it and ran towards Soonyoung. Jihoon engulf the other in an embrace so tight and buried his face on the nook of Soonyoung's neck. It didn’t even take a second before Soonyoung was also wrapping his arms around Jihoon. They both cried at each others arms, not really wanting to let go.   
  
Jihoon wanted to beg Soonyoung to stay, but he knew that what’s best for Soonyoung was to completely stay away from him. He already hurt the other to the point of ruin. So, he kept quiet. He just put all of his love into his embrace, hoping that the other would feel his desperation. He told himself that Soonyoung needed the space. He told himself over and over again that it was for the best. He willed himself to stay quiet even though every fiber of his being was asking him to say something, to beg for Soonyoung to stay.   
  
What Jihoon didn’t know was that Soonyoung was also desperately wishing he could stay. He knew he already made his decision, and he knew it was the right one. But he also knew that if Jihoon asked him to stay, then with no second thoughts he’ll do it. Just one word from Jihoon, and he knew he will succumbed despite the consequences. So, Soonyoung tightened his hold on to the other boy, hoping Jihoon would feel just how much he loves him.  
  
When they stopped crying enough to let go, Soonyoung pulled Jihoon to sit down beside him on the floor. They continued just holding on to each other, without talking and just savoring the last minutes that they can be together.  
  
Jihoon took Soonyoung hand and held it close to his face. He kissed Soonyoung’s palm and place Soonyoung’s hand on his cheeks. Soonyoung smiled at Jihoon and brushed Jihoon’s cheeks with his thumb.  
  
Soonyoung wanted to tell Jihoon just how beautiful he was but stopped himself. Instead, he leaned in and kissed Jihoon’s cheeks, then he kissed his other cheek, then his nose, his eyes. He stopped for a second before he let his lips brushed over Jihoon’s. He pressed their foreheads together before pressing their lips together, this time with a bit more pressure. Jihoon moved and straddled Soonyoung, he deepened the kiss when Soonyoung opened his mouth. They spent the rest of the night kissing, hugging, and just being close to each other.  
  
They stayed glued together until few bit of sunlight was already peeking through the dark sky. It was then that they both stood up, still hand in hand. Jihoon pressed an envelope on Soonyoung hand and guided Soonyoung’s hand to close on it. Soonyoung leaned in again for a soft peck and they embraced again, both unwilling to let go. Their hug was broken when Soonyoung’s phone rang.  
  
They walked down the stairs hand in hand until the university gate. Jihoon saw Rowoon on a car nearby, probably waiting for Soonyoung. Jihoon’s hand tightened on Soonyoung. Soonyoung embraced him again, this time both of them were softly crying. Jihoon didn't want to let go. He was repeatedly praying for the moment to last forever. He could stay in the moment forever if it meant that he could stay with Soonyoung.   
  
“I love you, Soonyoung.” Jihoon whispered and silently sobbed.   
  
“I love you, Jihoonie.” Soonyoung said then let go of Jihoon, gave him a kiss on the forehead. He hesitated for a bit before walking away towards the car where Rowoon was waiting. Soonyoung did not look back as he rode the car. Jihoon watched as they drove away and he was left alone with just the memories and a broken heart.

**Jihoon Instagram Post**

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	71. A New Home

**Mingyu Instagram Post**

****

**Mingyu Instagram Post**

****

**Wonwoo and Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

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**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

****

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Seungcheol's Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo to Group Chat**

**Soonyoung's Post**

**Soonyoung's Secret Dump Account**

****

**WONWOO**

Wonwoo was the only one with access to Soonyoung’s dump account. He kept it a secret from the rest of the guys because he knew that it’s what Soonyoung wants. When he saw how different Soonyoung’s posts were, he knew that he needed to talk to his friend. So, he got off the couch and went to Soonyoung’s bedroom. He found the other lying face down on bed, face buried under a pillow. He lie beside the boy, removed the pillow and hugged him.  
  
“Talk to me Soonie.”  
  
Soonyoung looked to his side so he can see Wonwoo better. Wonwoo saw that Soonyoung had been crying again.  
  
“I’m okay. I just miss kimchi.” Soonyoung said trying to downplay what he was feeling.  
  
“Then let’s buy kimchi! But seriously, I’m here if you need to talk.”  
  
“I know Wonu. Thank you for coming with me. I’m just feeling a bit lost and lethargic. I’ll be okay. I just need a goal. I need to reorganize my life.”  
  
Wonwoo pulled Soonyoung closer to him and said:  
  
“It’s okay. Take things slow. There’s plenty of time, ok?”  
  
Soonyoung nodded.  
  
“Come on, let’s look for a korean grocery and buy you all the kimchi you need.”

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

****


	72. Holiday in New York

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Jihoon's Twitter Update (Private Account)**

****

**Birthday Posts for Jeonghan**

**Jeonghan's Birthday Post**

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**Seungcheol's Instagram Post**

**Jihoon's Instagram Post**

**Soonyoung's Secret Dump Account**

****

**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

**Hurricane Dance Studio Instagram Post**

****

**Joshua's Instagram Post**

**Seungkwan's Instagram Post**

**Joshua and Seokmin's Chat**

**Seokmin and Joshua's Instagram Post**

**HALLOWEEN**

**Seungcheol's Instagram Post**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

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**Soonyoung's Instagram Post**

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**Rowoon's Instagram Post**

**[](https://64.media.tumblr.com/17799d5e1d3ace7bc3a7bf8a3dda3d5c/44fd1ca9629c866d-3c/s400x600/8acf778af9f4f2d4e578509bed65dc6ba6c1c77f.jpg)**

**Wonwoo's Instagram Post**

**Jihoon's Twitter Post**

**Jihoon to Seungcheol**

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**Jihoon Instagram Post (Private)**

****

**Mingyu's Post**

**Mingyu's Post**

**Soonyoung's Post**

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**Wonwoo and Soonyoung's Post**

**Wonwoo's Post**

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**Soonyoung's Post**

**Mingyu and Wonwoo's Post**

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	73. Birthdays and Christmases

**Seungcheol's Instagram Post**

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**Groupchat**

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**Minghao's Post**

**Jeonghan's Post**

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**Jihoon's Post**

****

****

****

**Jeonghan and Soonyoung's Chat Conversation**

**  
** **Jihoon's Twitter Post (Private)**

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**CHRISTMAS**

**Soonyoung's Post**

**NEW YEAR**

**Soonyoung and Rowoon's Post**

**ROWOON**

Rowoon stared at Soonyoung who was playing with a sparkler on their balcony. He took a sip of his wine and continued watching Soonyoung enjoy their little party. They were supposed to attend the party that his company was throwing, but Soonyoung was feeling unwell. So he decided to skip it and stay home. He promised Wonwoo never to leave Soonyoung, so he had been taking it easy at work and spending more time with the other. Soonyoung saw him watching him and came to sit beside him. Soonyoung lay his head on Rowoon’s shoulder while the latter’s arm snaked around Soonyoung shoulder, pulling him closer.  
  
“Everything alright?” Rowoon asked.  
  
“Yes, thank you for staying with me.” Soonyoung said and gave Rowoon a kiss on the cheek. Rowoon stared at Soonyoung for a minute. He hesitated for a bit before leaning in for a kiss. Soonyoung responded at first but immediately stop when he realized what was happening.  
  
“I’m sorry. Can we blame it on the wine?” Rowoon smiled. Rowoon did not intend to kiss Soonyoung, but he was too adorable for his heart. He'd been thinking of pursuing the other again for a while now, but he held himself back, hesitating in fear that Soonyoung was not yet ready.  
  
“No, I’m sorry I—“ Soonyoung tried to apologize, but Rowoon stopped him.  
  
“It’s okay.”  
  
“Ruru...” Soonyoung hesitated so Rowoon smiled at him. “You should start dating and Wonu and I should move out.” Soonyoung said.  
  
It wasn't what Rowoon was expecting, so it took him a minute before he could properly react. He removed his arms from Soonyoung's shoulder and took his hands.  
  
“You’re leaving me?”  
  
“It's not like that. You know it's not like not. Ruru, I feel like I take too much of your time. I can’t keep doing this to you. You also need to focus on your life.”  
  
“Soons, you’re not. This is my choice. Besides, I like having housemates. If you haven't notice I'm hardly even here. Am I making you uncomfortable then? Because of the kiss?” Rowoon asked, letting go of Soonyoung's hands.  
  
“What? No, this is not because of that. I just don't want you to focus too much on me.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“That's not something that's even remotely possible. Right now you and work are my priority.” Rowoon explained. He was getting a bit irritated that Soonyoung doesn't seem to get why he can't just stop trying take care of the other boy.  
  
“Then start dating at least.” Soonyoung insisted.  
  
“I’m too busy for that.”  
  
“Then make time. Actually, I have a friend from the studio who likes you a lot. I told him that you're single and—“  
  
“No, stop it.” Rowoon snapped. “I can manage my own life Soonyoung. I know that you don't want anything to do with me, but at least afford me the right to choose for myself.” Rowoon stood up but Soonyoung stopped him.  
  
“Hey, why are you getting angry?” Soonyoung worriedly asked.  
  
“Wouldn’t you be? Soons, are you really that dense?” Rowoon snapped.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I’m sorry. I’ll be in my room.”  
  
“Wait. Ruru, it’s new year. At least wait with me until 12. Let's not fight please.”  
  
“I’m sorry. Give me a moment to calm down.” Rowoon walked away and went to his room. He was shaking in anger, not at Soonyoung, but at himself for snapping. He knew Soonyoung meant well, but he wished the other would get that it wasn't easy for him letting go. He was still in love with Soonyoung, and it wasn’t something that he could just throw away.

**SOONYOUNG**

It was twenty minutes before 12, another year of therapy and working just to have something to do. It was another year in that will probably be filled with boredom. Soonyoung was feeling lethargic, so he took a sip of wine that Rowoon left. He was not allowed to drink but told himself he'll just take a sip. It’s new year and he’s alone.  
  
He knew he shouldn't have pushed Rowoon. He was just feeling guilty for taking too much of Rowoon's time. He also felt scared that maybe Rowoon was just avoiding dating anyone to spare his feelings. He didn’t want that. Despite of everything that happened, he just wants Rowoon to be happy.He thought about his own feelings. He was definitely in love with Jihoon, it wasn't something that he could easily just throw away. But he already accepted the fact that it just was not meant to be, whatever they had before, it was long gone now. Besides, this was his life now. It was not spectacular, but it was peaceful. His mind was not fully recovered yet, but he was getting there. His life was boring, he thought, but peaceful. He didn’t have the courage to break that peace for something that he wasn’t even sure was worth it.

  
When he confided to his therapist about that, Haneul advised him to stop blaming himself. Haneul told him it wasn’t wrong to try and protect himself from anything that would probably bring pain.

  
“Soonyoung, it’s not wrong to try and protect yourself from the anything that would probably bring you pain. But that’s the thing though, the keyword here is probably, because we’re not sure whether they’ll bring pain or not. I know your fears, and it’s okay to have them. But you need to find the courage to go on with life even with those fears.” Haneul told him once during their session.  
  
Haneul advised him to find things that would make his life interesting. So, he tried to look for a new hobby, but nothing seemed to work. Haneul encouraged him to meet new people and to socialize. Maybe go on dates if he thinks he's ready. It doesn't have to be serious. Haneul advised him to get out into the world and be brave to face the possibilities that life has to offer.Soonyoung drank some more wine and until he was a bit tipsy. He hugged himself and stood up when he saw that it was nearing 12. It was definitely a peaceful life, but it was also a lonely one. He stood up and walked towards Rowoon's room. He knocked but no one answered. So, he let himself in but to his surprise no one was there. He went to Rowoon's study but the latter was also not there. Soonyoung resigned himself to welcoming the new year alone, just when he was about to go to his bedroom he felt Rowoon hugged him from behind.  
  
“I’m sorry. We shouldn’ fight. It’s almost new year.” Rowoon whispered in his ear.

Soonyoung moved away from the hug and faced Rowoon. He looked at the other boy. Every day he asked himself what he did to deserve Rowoon, even as a friend. He thought about what life with Rowoon would be, how their life was before Jihoon. It was good. He was happy. It was a stable relationship. It wasn’t an extraordinary love story like what he had with Jihoon, but it was still a love story. He looked up at Rowoon who was looking back at him with love. It wasn’t passionate and heated; it was a calm and collected kind of love. So he took courage from that fact and reached out for Rowoon, and pulled him into a kiss, which the other returned. They welcomed the new year in each other’s arm, just snuggling and rediscovering each other and the love that Soonyoung left for something that should have stayed in the past.


	74. A New Beginning

**Rowoon Post**

****

**Soonyoung Post (Secret Dump Account)**

****

**Jihoon Twitter Post (Private)**

****

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung woke up wrapped in Rowoon’s arms. He felt safe and loved. Something that he hadn’t felt for a while. Rowoon stirred beside him and started nuzzling his neck, which made him smile. He couldn't remember the last time he felt that comfortable. There was still a nagging feeling in his heart, but he chose to ignore it. He deserve this he told himself over and over again, trying to convince his skeptical heart.   
  
“Good morning, Love.” Rowoon whispered.  
  
“Ru, I think we need to talk.” Soonyoung said. He was the one who grabbed Rowoon for a kiss. He did it on impulse. He did it because he was desperately trying to move on from his own emotions. He wasn't sure what's next. He didn't know what's right anymore.  
  
“I know.”  
  
“I’m sorry.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
“It’s okay.”  
  
“No, I’m a bit— I’m scared.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“What do you want? Don’t spare my feelings and be honest.” When Soonyoung did not answer Rowoon continued:  
  
“I love you. I want you. If you want to take it slow, we can. I just want to try. Can we try? Please? If it doesn’t work, if it still not me, it’s okay. Just give me a chance to fight for us. A chance that’s all I ask.”  
  
“I’m willing to try for you Ruru.”  
  
“No, don’t agree to it just because—“  
  
“No, stop. You think I’m just doing this to repay you for everything you’ve done for me? I'm not going to lie to you. I'm confused as fuck. I know there are stilling things that-- I still-- I still feel something for Jihoon. But that chapter of my life is closed. I realized that last night. There's no use dwelling in the past. I want to move on." Soonyoung tried to explain. "Ruru, if you'll have me, all broken and scared, I-- I also want to try. I want to try because I love you. We’ve been together for two years before my memory came back and even after it came back it didn’t made that love any less real. I want to try because I love you, Ruru.” Soonyoung waited for Rowoon to react. He let out a breath of relief when Rowoon finally aswered.

“I love you too Soonyoung and happy new year, love.” Rowoon responded. He knew that Soonyoung was in a fragile state. He knew there was no assurance of his feelings. But Rowoon wanted to try and fight for their love, maybe he'll convince Soonyoung in the end, to love him and let go of the past.  
  
“Happy new year.”  
  
“I have to get ready for the office.” Rowoon said and stood up.  
  
“Really? It’s new year.”  
  
“I know. But the company is in the middle of an acquistion—“ Rowoon stopped talking when he saw Soonyoung pouting with arms crossed. “You know what? It can wait.”  
  
“Good decision.” Soonyoung said making Rowoon laugh as he pulled him back into the bed for a kiss.

**Jeonghan and Soonyoung's Conversation**

**Seungcheol's Instagram Post**

****

**Wonwoo and Mingyu's Instagram Post**

**Rowoon and Soonyoung's Post**

****


	75. I'll Forget

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit
> 
> ALMOST AT THE ENDING! This update is short because I wanted to divide the events into separate chapters. It won't make sense to include other scenarios here so I'm going to put them in a separate one. Jihoon's POV is short because I didn't want to expose what he has been doing since Soonyoung left. It'll be revealed later on.

**Seungcheol's Post**

**Song:**

<https://youtu.be/pZVtN4kW7J8>

**JIHOON**

Jihoon turned off his phone after seeing Seungcheol’s post. It was a song he wrote after new year, when he saw that Soonyoung and Rowoon were back together again. He wrote it in a bit of anger. He wrote it when he was in pain. He still was. He wanted to scream. He really just want what’s best for Soonyoung, but it hurt a lot.  
  
He took a deep breath and prepared himself for another day in the studio. But before he could return to his computer, Seungcheol came in.  
  
“Ji, let’s grab dinner.”  
  
“No, thanks! I’m too exhausted for that.”  
  
“Ji, ever since Soonyoung went away you have been staying in the studio.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“That’s not true. I go home. I spent my birthday with you guys.”  
  
“Ji, that was three months ago. You need to stop this. This is not healthy. You don’t go out. You’re always in the studio. You do nothing but write songs and wallow in your loneliness!”  
  
“Because it’s the only way that I can be close to Soonyoung! It’s the only way that I can show him how I feel! He fucking flew 7000 miles away from me. I know I said I’m letting go but I lied okay? I can’t let go, but I also love him enough not to ruin anymore of his life. That’s why I write songs, because I can’t say it to him. This is the only way that I can somehow express this pain that won’t fucking leave me alone. So, please, just go.” Jihoon snapped and turned his back on Seungcheol.  
  
Seungcheol quietly walked away and left his friend, but before he shut the door, he heard the other break down in gut wrenching sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For violent reactions: http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	76. A PROPOSAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**Soonyoung Instagram Post**

**SOONYOUNG**

Soonyoung was taking a walk in central park when he saw Seungcheol’s latest post. It was Jihoon’s newly released song. His heart stopped when he read the title.

**Song:**

<https://open.spotify.com/album/5NYUkELMhrHyImsqxUSFzf?highlight=spotify:track:2kdyYRdtDnSJVJtdjc2doQ>

**Lyrics:**

****

He sat by the bench and prepared to listen to the song through his phone. He listened to the singer as he promised the listener to forget him and their promises. It was Im Sejun who was singing, but it was Jihoon’s thoughts that he heard. Then it hit him in waves, the gut-wrenching pain, it almost made him lose consciousness. He clutched his badly patched heart, trying to keep it from breaking again, but it was useless. He tried for months to heal his heart and to put it back together, but he only managed to put it back together with flimsy band aids and tapes, vulnerable to breaking at any time.  
  
Soonyoung cried when he realized that every moment without Jihoon was a lie. It was just him trying to avoid reality. It was just his fears and him not being brave enough to push through it. No matter what he does, it will always be Jihoon. He tried so hard to erase the past because he was scared of losing himself again. He moved six thousand miles away from Jihoon because he was scared of being hurt. He was terrified that he’ll hurt Jihoon. He was terrified of losing their love all over again, so he ran away, convincing himself that the memories were enough.  
  
But if it was, why was he hurting so much? He asked himself. He said he was trying to be brave, but that was also a lie. He couldn’t even open the letter that Jihoon gave him the day they said good bye. He couldn’t even open the succeeding ones that came after. He ignored everything because he was scared.  
  
He stood up and hurriedly went back to their apartment. He needed to read the letters. He needed to face his fears before he makes any more mistakes. He needed to stop hiding behind the lies. He needed to stop the masquerade and go back to reality.

**ROWOON**

Rowoon just got home from work and was going through the mail when he saw an envelope sent from Korea. There was no return address but it was for Soonyoung. Soonyoung was still at work so he returned the envelope into the pile and waited in the living room.  
  
Soonyoung arrived looking frazzled, he took the envelope and went straight t o his room, without even sparing a glance at Rowoon. He was about to knock at Soonyoung’s door when he heard the other sniffing a little. He sat by the door and waited.  
  
It hurt him listening to Soonyoung cry. He wanted to knock and remind Soonyoung that he was there, but he knew the other needed the space.   
  
For the past months, he knew that Soonyoung was trying his best to cope with the situation. Haneul explained it to him and Wonwoo. Soonyoung, despite seeming fine for the past few months still struggles with reconciling his present feelings with those of his past. Haneul explained that the memories that Soonyoung recovered might have been from years ago, but in Soonyoung’s mind, they were as if they happened yesterday. The difficult part wasn’t the recovery of those memories, but how to deal with the effects once they’re recovered.  
  
Rowoon knew that Soonyoung was stuck in a mixture of feelings of the past and of the present. That is how he knew that Soonyoung loves him, but he also loves Jihoon. He was the safer choice, but Jihoon was the one great love that just abruptly disappeared, a cliff hanger. Jihoon was the question that lingered through out the years.  
  
Haneul explained that despite how Soonyoung tries to act as normal as he could, his feelings and mind were far from it. He was still a mess even if he does not admit to it.  
  
The past month with Soonyoung was wonderful. But he knew it was also fake.  
  
Rowoon knew that no matter how much Soonyoung tried to convince himself that he was okay, with being with Rowoon and that he chose to dwell in the present rather than find answers for the past, it wasn’t.  
  
His heart ached every time he saw Soonyoung smile, because even if Soonyoung didn’t know it, Rowoon did.  
  
Rowoon knew that Soonyoung was trying so hard to fight for the present he thought was best. Soonyoung was fighting so hard to erased the past that disrupted his present with Rowoon, because it was too painful to accept. But he was also fighting against himself. Rowoon saw it in Soonyoung’s eyes, the longing, which Rowoon tried to fill up with over the top and grand gestures of love. But he knew it wasn’t enough. He was just a paper umbrella, a temporary shelter from the raging storm in Soonyoung’s heart.   
  
When he finally heard the cries subside, he stood up and softly knock on the door.

“Love? Can I come in?” Rowoon asked by the door.

“Give me a minute.” He heard rustling before Soonyoung finally opened the door.

“Hey baby, everything okay?” Rowoon asked as Soonyoung buried himself under the covers. Rowoon noticed a box full of papers hastily pushed into Soonyoung’s closet.

“Yup, just exhausted. I took a walk at the park and lost track of the time.” Soonyoung said.  
  
Soonyoung looked a bit ruffled. He knew the other boy had been having a hard time sleeping. Rowoon slowly moved closer to Soonyoung and sat on the bed.

“Ruru? I want to ask something.” Soonyoung asked from under the covers.  
  
“Sure, go ahead.”  
  
Soonyoung hesitated. He removed the covers and leaned on the bed rest. Then he slowly revealed a brown box, which contained the thread that Rowoon gave Soonyoung when he proposed.  
  
“You told me to give this back to you, when I’m ready.” Soonyoung said as he gave the box of thread to Rowoon. Rowoon hesitated before taking the box. “I- I’m—"  
  
Rowoon knew that something must have happened. He looked at Soonyoung and made the other sit closer. He then moved and faced Soonyoung.  
  
He took Soonyoung’s hand and held on to them as tight as he could. He took a deep breath before saying:  
  
“Soonie, I’m not saying that I didn’t mean what I said when I gave this to you, because I did. But love, why do I feel like you’re keeping something from me?”  
  
When Soonyoung didn’t answer, Rowoon thought it best to continue talking.

“I know.” Rowoon interrupted. He already knew what the other was trying to say.

“Before you say something, can I do this first? Maybe turn a not yet to something else?” Rowoon asked gesturing to the thread inside the box.  
  
“Okay.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
“From the moment I first saw you, I already knew. That you were the person that I’ll gladly entrust my heart to. I told myself, it didn’t matter what you do with it. You can have it or you can break it. You can do anything with it, because it was yours from the moment you laughed at my bad pick up line.” Rowoon said as he gave Soonyoung the box and gestured for the other to open it. He then took the thread from the box.

**Soonyoung opening the box:**

****

<https://watch.wave.video/5fb5b45846e0fb000cf063b9>

“The thread was meant to connect us together, a promise that I will never break. A connection between our hearts.” Rowoon formed the string into a ring without detaching it from the spool. He then placed the ring of thread on Soonyoung’s finger. He then started unrolling the thread until it was stretched between Soonyoung’s finger and his hand which clenched over the spool.

  
“I love you, that’s why let me be the one to do it. Let me prove for one last time that I love you.” Soonyoung gasped when he heard what Rowoon said as tears welled up in his eyes. He watched Rowoon opened his fist that was clenched on the spool of thread and a ring came falling through the thread connecting him to Soonyoung, until it reached the edge of Soonyoung’s index finger.

**Proposal: (Ring Reveal)**

****

**<https://watch.wave.video/5fb5b86b46e0fb000ef8847e> **

But before the ring could lodge in Soonyoung’s finger, Rowoon pulled the loose thread, and the ring fell on the bed and the thread loosened and fell off from Soonyoung’s finger.

  
  
“I love you Kwon Soonyoung, and now I’m letting you go.” Rowoon whispered as his lips trembled and he could not longer stop the tears from falling. Rowoon smiled through the tears. He just turned the ‘not yet’ to something more final, a ‘no.’

  
  
“Ruru, I’m so sorry.” Soonyoung said as he pulled Rowoon into his embrace. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ruru. I love you Ruru… I love you…”  
  


“I know, love. I love you too. But it was never meant to be me and you, from the start it was always meant to be you and Jihoon. The star was always meant to be in the sky, engulf in by the vast universe. You just need a little bit of courage, love.” Rowoon said as he gave Soonyoung a kiss on the forehead, his last farewell to his one great love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note:
> 
> The video links included are the same with the GIF but with sounds. I just included them because I belatedly realized I could upload gif here. But since I already made the video clips I thought it would be a waste to not include them. The scene is from an old movie called Stepmom released in 1998 starring Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. 
> 
> Thank you for all the comments. They're greatly appreciated. Stay positive everyone!  
> 
> 
> For violent reactions: 
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	77. Jihoon's Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: Please be attentive to TW placed before certain sections that mentions and describes anxiety attacks or harming one’s self.
> 
> ⛔️ - Stop reading (TW)  
> 🟢 - Safe to Read  
> 🔞 - Explicit

**September 6, 2020**

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**  
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**  
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**September 7, 2020**

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**  
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**  
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**October 10, 2020**

**  
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**November 1, 2020**

**  
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**November 2, 2020**

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**Attached picture:**

**  
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**November was 8, 2020**

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**November 22, 2020**

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**December 21, 2020**

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**Attached picture:**

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**December 23, 2020**

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**January 1, 2021**

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**January 2, 2021**

**Song in the letters:**

**<https://open.spotify.com/track/2kdyYRdtDnSJVJtdjc2doQ> **

**January 3, 2021**

I’ll Forget (Lyrics)

When I open my eyes alone in an empty room

Today as hard as yesterday

Come back to me

If you raise your body to be heavy

You were beside me

Those days come up.

**January 4, 2021**

You look in my eyes

Even though I still miss your warm touch

It hurts but I'll forget you.

I draw you in someone else's arms

It's hard, but I'll forget it.

**January 5, 2021**

A beautiful day and our promise

I told you like a habit I can not hear you.

I can not keep it

I can not do it well.

I'm sorry.

**January 6, 2021**

Even if the last things left to regret come up

It hurts but I'll forget you.

I draw you in someone else's arms

It's hard, but I'll forget it.

**Song the DK sent:**

**<https://open.spotify.com/track/1MkiRsYBkXbXvdiYvTTiQT> **

**January 7, 2021**

A beautiful day and our promise

My day is empty without you I

t's still so hard Let's forget about you now.

I'll be with someone to make you laugh.

We'll forget everything we loved.

A beautiful day I'll forget about our promise.

**January 8, 2021**

****

**January 9, 2021**

****

**January 15, 2021**

****

**Song that Jihoon is working on and lyrics:**

(How Can I forget You?)

**<https://open.spotify.com/album/4U2FTYtmEGzzIQ8kwz9IEo?highlight=spotify:track:0DBr2LDs5Tt7IEgn3wQr8p> **

****

**February 14, 2021**

****

****

****

_*I am jealous that HE got to do all those things with you_

**February 17. 2021**

****

****

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: The date on the letters corresponds to the past events in Soonyoung's life, some may be random. Some letters pertains to special instagram posts of Soonyoung which can be found in the past chapters. I wanted to show Jihoon's POV, especially his emotions, when Soonyoung left and I found that the easiest way to do that was thru letters which Jihoon sent to Soonyoung everyday that they were apart. 
> 
> For violent reactions:
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> 🐥: @soonhaee
> 
> 💙
> 
> Please stream: Home;run  
> Don't forget to drop your votes for MAMA! You can use 10 different accounts per IP!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Stay Positive!


	78. Soonyoung Read the Letters

**SOONYOUNG**

When Rowoon left him in his room, Soonyoung went to grab the box of letters that he had been hiding in his closet. They were letters from Jihoon. The first letter was given to him by Jihoon at the rooftop, the day when they said goodbye. The rest came by mail. It was one letter for each day that they were away from each other, 164 letters all in all, including the one that he got in the mail that day. He hadn’t read it yet. He had been keeping them away because he didn’t want to deal with it. He didn’t know how to deal with his feelings for Jihoon. But mostly it was because he was scared, it took all of him to leave and he was afraid that one word from Jihoon would pull him back to the start. But after listening to the newly released song, he knew he would regret it for the rest of his life if he let Jihoon go, just because of fear.

  
He read the letters one by one. Some were emotional, while the others were just simple stories of how Jihoon spent the day. Soonyoung laughed when he read a letter that contained a story of Jihoon dreaming about their night in the hotel when he fell asleep in the studio and how Seungcheol woke him up because he was apparently moaning in pain. But it wasn’t because of pain exactly, Seungcheol didn’t need to know that.

  
  
Another letter was about the night he cooked different kinds of ramen because he wanted to decide which type of ramen was his favorite. Another letter told him about how he had to babysit Hyukjae and Donghae hyung’s baby, but he was so bad at it that when the baby pooped, he panicked and called Jeonghan for help. Another one was about how he locked himself out of the studio because he thought he accidentally changed the lock code. It turned out that it was Seungcheol who changed them in an attempt to make Jihoon stop working. He spent the day at the park that day, just looking at a couple kiss under the tree, a mom chasing her son, children running around, and even dogs pooping.   
  
The letters contain every moment that Jihoon thought were significant for that day, things that he saw and experience, but most importantly his inner thoughts and emotions.  
They were simple stories and reminder that Jihoon was there. There were letters of him being jealous of Rowoon, cursing and drinking, while the letter for the next day was filled with apologies.  
  
There was one letter that contained a usb drive, he cried when he listened to the song. He cried even harder when he read the last one. It was the last letter, before he finally said goodbye.  
  


Soonyoung looked around his room and realized just how far he was from Jihoon. He thought about those days when he tried to end everything, the days when he was the loneliest he could not take it, the and days that were the most painful. He realized that those days were lonely and painful, for the simple reason that those days were spent without Jihoon.

Jihoon’s absence was the thing that made him a coward in facing life. He wasn’t afraid of the pain, he was afraid of the cause of that pain, living without Jihoon. He’s living in denial and pain right now, for the simple reason that he was without Jihoon.  
  


He knew there were a lot of things to sort out. His life wasn’t a fairy tale where everything gets sorted out in a day. But he was willing to try. He was willing to search for that courage to fight for Jihoon again, but Jihoon already gave up, he thought, so:

Was there something left to fight for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For rants: @soonhaee OR
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> Comments and rants are welcome. ❤️  
> Stay positive!
> 
> Tags for our vobo’s birthday:
> 
> #오선위의_찬란한별_우지야_생일축하해  
> #OurVoboWOOZIday  
> #HappyWooziDay  
> @pledis_17


	79. An Unexpected Visitor

**JIHOON**

Jihoon was in the last place that he wanted to be at the moment, at a bar surrounded by laughing friends and colleagues. It was the celebration party in honor of Im Sejun’s newly released single, and they were at a bar with an open mic for anyone to sing a song of his choice.  
  
Seungcheol and Jeonghan were the ones who convinced him to go. He watched as Seungcheol absent mindedly moved closer to Jeonghan. Every time Jeonghan adjusts his position, Seungcheol would move to match his, not allowing even the tiniest of distance between them.  
  
For some reason, he teared up when he thought that years ago that was Soonyoung, always trying to look for an excuse to be close to Jihoon. But unlike Jeonghan who savored the closeness, Jihoon would harshly push the other away. He rubbed his eyes and harshly wiped his tears and drank a shot of vodka.  
  
“Hey, better slow down.” Jeonghan said when he noticed Jihoon downing another shot of vodka and then whiskey.  
  
“Let him be Jeonghan-ah.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“Yeah, let me be Yoon Jeonghan.”

  
Jihoon continued drinking, shot after shot, until he lost track of time and how much alcohol was in his system. For a second, he thought that he was in the university rooftop and then he saw Soonyoung’s face, then everything went black.

**Jeonghan Twitter Post**

****

**Fan's Twitter Post**

****

**JIHOON**

Jihoon woke up with a headache. The sun was coming through his window and the glare woke him up. He was also feeling different hammers pounding on his head. He swore he’ll never drink again. He was about to get up when he realized that his clothes were strewn all over the place and he was naked underneath the covers.  
  
“Shit.” Jihoon tried to move but he realized that a hand was keeping him in place and there was mop of hair sticking from under the covers.  
  
He panicked and tried to get out of the man’s hold accidentally kicking the other off the bed.  
  
“What the fuck!” The other person yelled.  
  
“Shit, shit, shit.” He whispered to himself. “I’m sorry but who the—“  
  
He stopped talking when he realized who it was he just kicked to the floor.  
  
“That hurt! Why did you kick me?”  
  
“What happened?” Jihoon asked still not believing who he was seeing in front of him.  
  
“You don’t remember?”  
  
“I’m sorry, I don’t.” Jihoon whispered.  
  
“Oh-kay. That’s my cue. Bye then!”  
  
“No, wait!” Jihoon scrambled towards the other person but got entangled by the sheets and almost felt flat by the floor but he was caught just in time. The other boy groaned from having hit the floor with the force from Jihoon’s fall.  
  
“Ouch, how many times must you wound me Jihoonie?” The other boy asked from below Jihoon.  
  
“I’m— I’m sorry.” Jihoon said. He moved to face the other boy, and when he did, he was greeted by the most adorable smile of Kwon Soonyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For rants: @soonhaee OR
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> Comments and rants are welcome. ❤️  
> Stay positive!


	80. Reunited

**FLASHBACK**

Jihoon was extremely drunk. He drunk almost all the alcohol on the table. He stood up to the surprise of Seungcheol and Jeonghan.  
  
“Jihoon-ah! Where are you going?” Jeonghan said as he tried to stop Jihoon, but the other boy just pushed him away.  
  
He walked towards the stage and grabbed the microphone. It was an open mic kind of bar where every one can sing if they want to.  
  
“Hello everyone! My name is lee Hoonji. jIleehoon. Whatever. My name is Jihoon and I’m in love with Kwom Soomyoung. But I f*cking f*cked it up and now he’s gone. I f*cked up the one good thing in my life, and all I have are the memories. He’s in New York cozying it with his new boy toy. I’m sorry he’s actually very nice. Maybe I’’m the boy toy. What the f*ck is a boy toy?” Jihoon said on the mic while Jeonghan coughed loudly to make Jihoon change the topic. “I’m sorry he’s nice. They deserve each other. I don’t deserve anyone.” He cried as he staggered to get something from his pocket. “Here it is. Can somebody help me?”  
  
Jeonghan hurriedly walked to the stage.  
  
“Jihoon-ah come on.” Jeonghan said. He didn’t want Jihoon to be more embarassed especially in front of his work colleagues. Jeonghan knew it was the alcohol talking and that Jihoon prefer things to be private.  
  
“No, I’m going to sing. Just hook this up to that box there.” The box that Jihoon was referring to was a computer. Jeonghan just complied with the request because he didn’t want to cause more commotion. Everyone seemed to be understanding.  
  
“This one’s for you, Soonie.”  
  


**Video:**

<https://youtu.be/98xgWVaipo0>

  
Jihoon sang his heart out. Jeonghan was crying by the side while Seungcheol comforted him. When he ended the song, Jihoon stood up and walked out of the bar without looking back.

**End of Flashback**

**Group Chat**

**JIHOON**

When Jihoon realized that it was Soonyoung, he straddled Soonyoung and engulf the other into an embrace.  
  
“Jihoon-ah...”  
  
He ignored Soonyoung and hug the other tighter. Soonyoung realized that Jihoon was trembling and sniffing so he also hugged the other tighter.  
  
“I’m here now, Ja- jagi.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
When Jihoon finally stopped crying, he let Soonyoung go from his embrace. This time, he held Soonyoung’s face with both his hands and brushed away a tear that escaped from the other’s eyes.  
  
“A- Are you real?” Jihoon asked, so Soonyoung harshly pinched Jihoon’s side which caused the other to yelp.  
  
“Ouch! You didn’t have to do that!” Jihoon snapped but soften when he saw Soonyoung laugh.  
  
It was then that Jihoon became hyper aware that he was, sitting on top of a fully clothe Soonyoung, naked. He scrambled to get up but stopped himself when he realized that he’ll be exposing his backside to Soonyoung.  
  
“Close your eyes.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Why?” Soonyoung asked and snaked his arms around Jihoon’s waist giving him goosebumps all over.  
  
“Please, close your eyes.”  
  
“Jihoon-ah, your naked butt is nothing that I haven’t see before.” Soonyoung smirked then rubbed his nose on Jihoon’s shoulder, then neck.  
  
“What are you doing?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“I’m just smelling you. You made me suffer the whole night, you know?” Soonyoung said who finally covered his eyes with both hands. Jihoon stood up and immediately fished out some clothes and underwear from his closet.  
  
When he was done he saw that Soonyoung was still on the floor with both eyes still closed, but this time his hands were clasp together. Soonyoung was rubbing them nervously together so strongly that it left red marks on his hands. Jihoon slowly walked towards the boy not quite believing what he was seeing. He knelt in front of Soonyoung and stared at his face. Soonyoung appeared to have lost some weight. He looked a little pale and his eyes were swollen. He grabbed both of Soonyoung’s hands to keep them from doing more damage. The contact made Soonyoung open his eyes.  
  
“Look what you’ve done to your hands.” Jihoon reprimanded and couldn’t help it, he kissed both hands, making Soonyoung smile.  
  
“Wow, that was a quick transfor—“ Soonyoung said but was not able to finish what he was saying because Jihoon pulled him into another embrace.  
  
When Jihoon was sure that Soonyoung was really there, Jihoon loosened his embrace and pulled Soonyoung up. He then pulled Soonyoung to the desk where he left his phone, then sat down on the chair pulling Soonyoung on his lap. Jihoon called for delivery, while one of his hands kept Soonyoung in place.  
  
“I’m just going to use the bathroom.” Soonyoung said while he tried to stand up, but Jihoon held on to him tightly. After ordering, Jihoon gestured for Soonyoung to stand up, and the he did but Jihoon didn’t release him from his hold. Jihoon guided Soonyoung to the bathroom, while still holding on to Soonyoung’s hands.  
  
“Ji, I need to pee.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Okay.” Jihoon let of Soonyoung’s hand but this time hold on to Soonyoung’s waist and guided him in front of the toilet bowl. Jihoon was sort of back hugging Soonyoung. Soonyoung waited for Jihoon to moved, but the latter stayed in place.  
  
“Jihoon—“  
  
“I’m not letting go, so if you need to pee, do it now. I don’t care.” Jihoon said as be buried his face on Soonyoung’s nape.

“Lee Jihoon!”  
  
“Just pee!” Jihoon whined.  
  
Soonyoung laughed and tried to push Jihoon away and out the door but immediately stop when he saw Jihoon’s face.  
  
“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Soonyoung said as he guided Jihoon to turn around, but letting Jihoon’s hand grab on to his shirt, while Soonyoung tried to pee.  
  
“Hurry up.” Jihoon demanded.  
  
“Wait! I’m trying. It’s really difficult to pee when you’re hovering over me.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Get used to it. There’s no way I’m letting you alone even for a second.” Jihoon said and sang a song in a loud voice so Soonyoung could finally pee.  
  
When Soonyoung was done, he washed his hands and they went back to the living room where Jihoon made Soonyoung sit on his lap again, while they wait for their food. Jihoon  
  
“Jihoonie?” Soonyoung asked. Jihoon knew that they needed to talk. But Jihoon was afraid of breaking whatever it was they were having that morning.  
  
“Hmmm?”  
  
“Are you also going to come with me if I need to poop?” Soonyoung jokingly asked, which made Jihoon laugh out loud.

**FLASHBACK**

Soonyoung found himself crying while packing just a few essentials. He was getting anxious just thinking about Jihoon giving up on him. He was in a hurry to catch the earliest flight to Korea. He hurriedly ran out of his room and bumped into Wonwoo.  
  
“Where are you going?” Wonwoo asked when he noticed his backpack and Soonyoung’s tear stained face.  
  
“Wonu, I need to see Jihoon. I need to go now.”  
  
“Okay, calm down.”  
  
“I have to go now!” Soonyoung yelled.  
  
“Yes, okay. You’re a little bit agitated Soonie, so I need you to calm down. Then I’ll take you to the airport, okay?” Wonwoo led Soonyoung into the kitchen and gave him a glass of water. They did their breathing exercises until Soonyoung was calm enough.  
  
“Better?”  
  
“Yes, thank you.”  
  
“Do you have your meds with you?” Wonwoo asked.  
  
“Yup! Can we go now?”  
  
“I’m going to call us a cab.” Wonwoo was about to grab the phone when Rowoon came in the room.

“No need. Come on I’ll drive you there and I also got you this.” Rowoon said giving Soonyoung a paper where his flight details to Korea was printed.  
  
“Ruru..”  
  
“It’s okay, love. I just want to take care of you and make sure you’re safe.” Rowoon said as he grabbed a coat from the rack. “Let’s go?”  
  
“Okay.” Soonyoung said and hugged Rowoon.  
  
Rowoon and Wonwoo drove Soonyoung to the airport.

**End of Flashback**

**SOONYOUNG**

They were by the couch, with Soonyoung still on Jihoon’s lap, when the door bell rang. Soonyoung tried to moved away from Jihoon, but the latter did not let him. They haven’t been talking as much as they needed, both too scared to break whatever it was that they have at the moment.  
  
“Come on, let’s get the food.” Jihoon said as he pulled Soonyoung with him, making the latter groan.  
  
“Can’t I just stay here?” Soonyoung complained, but Jihoon ignored him.  
  
With Jihoon’s hand still holding Soonyoung, he managed to pay for the food and get the deliveries with one hand. He then set the table without letting go of Soonyoung. He sat on the chair and when Soonyoung was about to do the same, Jihoon pulled him into his lap again.  
  
“Ji, I can’t eat this way.” Soonyoung complained but stopped talking immediately when Jihoon fed him dumplings.  
  
“You’re too thin. You need to eat a lot.” Jihoon responded.  
  
“Yeah, but let me sit on my own chair.”  
  
“Nope, I’m not going to let you go within the next 24 hours.” Jihoon insisted while he fed Soonyoung another bite.  
  
Soonyoung decided to just let Jihoon be. They still had a lot to talk about and settle, but for now he indulged the other boy as he fed Soonyoung oversized dumplings.

**FLASHBACK**

The first thing that Soonyoung did after a thirteen hour flight was to call Jihoon but the other did not answer, so tried calling Jeonghan. He knew it was late but he needed to find Jihoon.

**Soonyoung (white) and Jeonghan's (red) Conversation**

“Hyung!”  
  
Soonyoung was shocked when somebody called him when exited the airport. It was Mingyu. The tall boy ran towards the Soonyoung an hug him and lifting him up off the ground for a bit.  
  
“Soonieee Hyung! I missed you!” Mingyu said as he let Soonyoung down then grab his backpack.  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
“As if Wonu hyung and Ruru Hyung will let you just take a cab.” Mingyu laughed and pulled Soonyoung towards the parking lot.  
They rode in silence, Mingyu sensing there was a lot on Soonyoung’s mind.  
  
Soonyoung was trying to organize his thoughts and the things that he wanted to tell Jihoon. He should have at least called he told himself, what if Jihoon didn’t want him there anymore? He rubbed his hands together and pinched his hands. It was one of his nervous ticks. When he arrived at the club, there were already marks at his hands and the party seemed to be in full swing.  
  
Mingyu was about to leave to look for Jeonghan when they heard a very familiar voice singing.  
  
Soonyoung wasn’t ready at what he witnessed. On stage was Jihoon, with the spotlight on him. He was singing a song and crying. It broke Soonyoung’s heart seeing and hearing Jihoon cry. He looked so vulnerable and it was all because of him. There was so much pain in Jihoon’s voice, that Soonyoung for a second doubted whether it was a good idea that he was there. He stood in the shadows, frozen in place as he watched Jihoon sing. Maybe he was too late, he thought. Maybe it was a good thing that Jihoon felt he can forget Soonyoung, and maybe it would be better if he just didn’t come back.  
  
When the song ended, he decided to leave and think about his decision some more, for Jihoon’s sake. He was about to walk out of the bar when Seungcheol found him and Mingyu.  
  
“Soonyoung!”  
  
“Hyung! I’m here to—“ Seungcheol engulfed the other in a bear hug.  
  
“Come on! Jihoon is here somewhere.”  
  
“Soonie!” Jeonghan called out and gave him a hug. “Wait here while I look for Jihoon. He walked so quickly after singing I didn’t get to see where he went.”  
  
“I’ll go with you, hyung.” Mingyu said.  
  
Seungcheol noticed that Soonyoung was getting anxious so he pulled Soonyoung outside where it was less noisy.  
  
“Soonie, what’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing hyung, I’m just exhausted. It was a long flight.”  
  
“Are you sure?”  
  
“Hyung, what if I’m just making things more difficult for Jihoon? Maybe I should just go back.” Soonyoung whispered.  
  
But before Seuncheol could respond, Jeonghan came running out of the bar.  
  
“Jihoon left. I tried calling him but be’s not answering. Let’s go, we’ll drive around and look for him.” Jeonghan said while he hurriedly walk to their car. Mingyu decided to just leave his car in the parking lot and rode with the others.  
  
They drove around for a while but couldn’t find Jihoon. They were about to give up when Soonyoung asked to be dropped off at their old university.  
  
“Hyung, I’ll be alright.”  
  
“No, we’ll wait for you in the car if you want. We’re not even sure if Jihoon is there.” Seungcheol said.  
  
“I’m sure he’s there.” Soonyoung insisted.  
  
“Soonie Hyung, we can’t just leave you just like that. First, Wonu hyung will kill me. Second, Wonu hyung will kill me.” Mingyu said.  
  
When they arrived at the place, Soonyoung wasted no time and ran to the university rooftop.  
  
The rooftop was dark and there wasn’t much light from the stars and the moon. The night was also engulf in coldness. But it was there that he found Jihoon, sitting on the floor where they last said goodbye.

**End of Flashback**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For rants: @soonhaee OR
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> Comments, questions and rants are welcome. ❤️
> 
> Stay positive!


	81. At Last

**JIHOON**

Jihoon held on to Soonyoung as much as possible. He was scared. The remnants of what happened that night was coming back to him. He was slowly remembering what he said that night, and it wasn’t nice. It’s a mircale that Soonyoung was still there when he woke up that morning. He beat himself up mentally. It seemed that they couldn’t stop hurting each other. He knew why Soonyoung had swollen and puffy eyes that morning, it was because of him and the things he said out of anger and frustration.  
  
“What are your plans for today?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Uhm, well what you told me last night, I’m going to do that.” Jihoon stiffened. He already remembered what he said last night, and his heart drop to his stomach. He held Soonyoung tighter, waiting for the blow that was about to come because he never learned.

**FLASHBACK**

Soonyoung walked towards Jihoon who was slouched on the rooftop floor. When Soonyoung was near enough, he noticed that Jihoon was sleeping, but his nose was red and there were tear stains on his cheeks. Soonyoung sigh when he realized that Jihoon wasn’t even wearing a coat. So, he took his coat off and draped it on the sleeping boy.  
  
“Jihoon-ah, why is it that you’re so fond of making me worry? The last time we were here you were wearing thin clothes and slippers during a cold night. Now, you’re doing it again.” Soonyoung said as he sat beside Jihoon on the floor. He put his arms around the sleeping boy and laid his head on his shoulder.  
  
“I’m sorry, Jihoon. For running away. I thought it was the best thing to do, at that time. I was scared, and I’m still scared. Were you really going to forget me? Maybe you should. Maybe I should have thought about my decision to come or at least ask you.” Soonyoung said, not realizing that Jihoon had already woken up but chose to remain silent.  
  
“I heard the song yesterday and it scared me. It scared me but I felt thankful that you can decide to moveone just like that. It’ll be easier for you find the love that you deserve. When you said you were going to forget me and that was what I want because I wanted you to have a life free from pain. I just didn’t expect that to hear you actually say it again and I felt like everything was ending. It felt like you were pushing me away to oblivion. It felt like that song you sent me before and I panicked—“  
  
“That’s not true.” Jihoon interrupted.  
  
“You’re awake.” Soonyoung shocked when Jihoon raised his head from where they were resting on Soonyoung’s shoulder.  
  
“You know that’s not true.” Jihoon insisted. He straightened his back and looked at Soonyoung. He wanted to pull the other into his embrace but he was irked at what the other said. He hated that Soonyoung thinks it was easy for him to make that decision because it wasn’t and Jihoon was still in hell. But Soonyoung feeling that the song was meant to hurt because of the song was not sitting well with him, it was making him  
angry.  
  
“That song was not meant to hurt you. I wrote that song for me. Because that was the only way that I could deal with how Infelt. How am I suppose to react when you f*cking threw yourself at Rowoon? You really f*cking expected me to stick around after all those posts about you getting cozy with you Ruru? It was my coping mechanism and it wasn’t written to f*cking hurt you!” Soonyoung flinched at the venom in Jihoon’s voice.  
  
“I’m sorry. You’re right.” Soonyoung said and took his arm away from Jihoon. He tried to move but Jihoon stopped him.  
  
“You’re so confusing Soonyoung. You let me go, and I go through a lot. Now that I decided to let you go, you’re here again. We’re going in circles and I’m f*cking tired! Make up your mind!” Jihoon snapped.  
  
Soonyoung chose to stay quiet. It was his fault. Jihoon stood up and kicked an abandoned can before he faced Soonyoung and said:  
  
“You said you we’re going to leave to stop us from hurting each other over and over again, but news flash! We’re still hurting each other! Why are you even here? Because you think I can’t handle you being gone? You were so happy without me so why f*cking come back? Don’t f*cking worry about me because I can handle myself. My world, even when you weren’t in it, revolved around you. You on the other hand has a life outside of us, you forgot about us and found love, while I wallow in the memories! Just f*cking leave if that’s what you want and stay gone!” Soonyoung stiffened.  
  
Jihoon stopped when he realized what he just said. Jihoon wanted to stop himself from speaking further, he didn’t know where all the hurtful words were coming from. He wanted to rip his own tongue for speaking so harshly, but he couldn’t stop himself. It was his fault, everything that Soonyoung was doing and all these confusion, it was his own fault, Jihoon thought. He didn’t know why he was lashing out at Soonyoung. He shouldn’t have said what he said, especially the last one.

“I’m sorry. Sh*t!” Jihoon said and rushed to where Soonyoung was still seated. He only the noticed the other boy trembling. He really can’t do anything right, he thought. He just wanted to embrace Soonyoung but he was hurting him.  
  
“Okay then.” Soonyoung said. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here. I should have just let you deal with this the way you want. I shouldn’t have opened those letters. I’m sorry.” Soonyoung whispered. Soonyoung was already trembling so much, so Jihoon tried to reach out but Soonyoung escaped his touch.  
  
“No, I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol—“ Jihoon said as Soonyoung tried to stand up.  
  
“It’s okay. I don’t know what I was thinking when I came here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I should go.”  
  
“No, wait. F*ck.” Jihoon said and he tried to pull Soonyoung to sit back down but the other was already walking away.  
  
“Wait, please. I’m so dizzy.” Jihoon said as he stood up to follow Soonyoung. The alcohol in his system was making everything turn.  
  
“Then let’s go—“  
  
“No, just a second, please. I’m sorry. Don’t—“ He was so dizzy that when he thought he was near enought to reach for Soonyoung but he fell on his knees.

**End of Flashback**

**JIHOON**

They finished their meal in silence, but Jihoon was itching to apologize. He didn’t meant what he said, he was just at a bad place. He watched Soonyoung slowly stuff boxes back to their paper bag.  
Jihoon wanted to break the ice but he was so scared. He was about to say something when Soonyoung’s phone rang.  
  
“Wonu? Oh, I’m still at Jihoon’s. No, don’t, stop bothering Mingyu. I can go by myself. I’m with... Tell Mingyu I’ll pay for his ticket myself. Wonu, I have to go. I’m sure. I just have stuff to finish before.. Okay. I love you too.” Jihoon watched as Soonyoung hung up the phone and turned to face him.  
  
“Ji, Mingyu will be picking me up and then we’re—“  
  
“No!”  
  
“Ji, we’re just—“  
  
“I said no!” Jihoon said and he could no longer control his tears and started sobbing.  
  
“But it was your idea.”  
  
“No, I didn’t mean that. Please Soonyoung.. Don’t leave me.. I didn’t mean the things I said last night. I’m so sorry! Please! I don’t want you gone.” Jihoon begged.  
  
“Uhmm, okay stop.”  
  
“No! Please don’t leave me.” Jihoon begged and sobbed some more. So, Soonyoung pulled the other boy closer to him.  
  
“Ji, we already talked about—“ But Jihoon interrupted him.  
  
“No! I don’t care. Don’t leave me!”  
  
“Jagiya,” Soonyoung said emphasizing the petname “we already settled that last night. Don’t tell me you don’t remember?” Soonyoung said as he pulled the crying Jihoon closer.  
  
“What?!”  
  
“Ji, we already talked last night about the stuff you said on the roof and everything else. I forgave you and you forgave me. Don’t tell me you don’t remember!” Soonyoung was flabbergasted.  
  
“I let you, oh my god! You don’t!” Soonyoung jokingly yelled, while Jihoon watched Soonyoung still confuse. “Ji, we made up already! See?” Soonyoung exposed his neck full of marks, then he turned his back to Jihoon and lifted his sweatshirt to exposed the scratches that Jihoon left at his back.  
  
“Uhmm..” Jihoon was speechless.  
  
“Okay!” Soonyoung said. “So, basically you don’t remember that we’re back together and that we had.. Aish! Jihoon, I made you.. I did.. I let you.. Nevermind!” Soonyoung yelled. But he wasn’t really irritated. He was too happy to be affected by anything at the moment. He jokingly tried to stand up but Jihoon was stronger and kept him in place.  
  
“So you’re not leaving?” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Do you want me to leave?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“No! But you said Mingyu’s picking you up and that you’ll pay for his ticket and you have stuff to finish.”  
  
“Yeah, Mingyu’s at school and he’s picking me up so I can get my stuff from his apartment. I’m paying for his ticket because he’s going with me to go back—“  
  
“No!”  
  
“Ji, let me finish. I’m going back because I have stuff to finish. I need to notify my job and pack my things—“  
  
“But what’s my idea then?”  
  
“Okay, you don’t rememeber?”  
  
“I’m sorry!”  
  
“Yah! Lee Jihoon! Seriously!” Soonyoung yelled which shocked Jihoon. “Okay, nevermind. That definitely is my cue to leave”  
  
“Noooo! Wait, I remember now! Don’t leave!”  
  
“Oh stop lying!”  
  
“Okay fine, but whatever it is I agree to everything as long as it means you’re going to stay with me.”  
  
“Not staying with you is not and will never be part of any choice, babe. I don’t think I still have the ability to live without you, Jihoonie. I love you.” Soonyoung said. “But you got have remember what you asked me last night and ask me again, because there’s no way in hell I’m doing that if you can’t even remember.” Soonyoung smirked, while Jihoon frowned trying hard to think about what he asked that night.

**FLASHBACK**

“Yah! Jihoon! Are you okay?” Soonyoung yelled and ran towards the boy who fell on his knees.  
  
“Soonie,” Jihoon said as he came to his senses. “Please wait. I didn’t mean what I said.” Jihoon was already crying and clung on to Soonyoung, making him squat on the floor. Soonyoung then straightened the other boy with both hands and made him sit on the floor.  
  
“Jihoon, it’s okay.” Jihoon trying to speak but his sobs were getting in the way. So Soonyoung pulled the other boy closer to him and just held him close. Jihoon continued sobbing on Soonyoung’s chest.  
  
When the sobs turned into soft whimpers, Soonyoung softly spoke:  
  
“Jihoon, you’re right though. We’re going in circles. I’m a mess and keeps going back and forth. This is the reason why I went away in the first place and now I’m here messing you up again. I’m sorry.”  
  
“I’m not! I was just mad and frustrated. Soonie, do you really believe that I can forget you so easily?” Jihoon asked but Soonyoung did not answer. So, Jihoon raised his head and made Soonyoung look at him.  
  
“I was mad at myself, not at you, never at you. I’m so mad at myself for putting you through a lot of things.”  
  
“But that—“  
  
“No, listen to me first.” Jihoon interrupted. “The first time you told me you love me, what did I do?” Jihoon asked.  
  
That was an easy question because that was also the first time that they fought. Jihoon was busy and Soonyoung was being clingy, and absentmindedly said the three words, which Jihoon ignored. So Soonyoung became even more clingy and Jihoon asked the other boy to leave.  
  
“You looked at me for a second and then got back to work.” Soonyoung answered.  
  
“Exactly! When you go to the studio, I have all these things from you. The bearbricks, the elephant, slippers, your mark is all over my place. In my apartment, I have the tiger that you gave me. But that’s beside the point, what I’m trying to day is that when we were together, you were invested in the relationship and I on the other hand was not. You hugged me a lot while I pushed you away. I can’t remember just how many times I saw a flash of hurt in your eyes whenever I pushed you away and I tell myself not to do it again, but i forget.”  
  
“So, what are you saying?” Soonyoung asked.  
  
“I’m saying I’m mad at myself for being that way, when you deserved better. You deserved to be showered with flowers, to be taken to a romantic get away, you deserve someone who will give up dreams for you. That’s not me, that’s Rowoon.” Jihoon said.  
  
So, Soonyoung started pinching his hands again, but Jihoon stopped him. Jihoon held Soonyoung’s hand to stop him from making any further damage.  
  
“I’m just explaining why I’m mad at myself and why I lashed out on you. I couldn’t even be the boyfriend that you deserve, and then I hurt you again. I wasn’t mad at you for being with Rowoon, I was mad at myself for not treating you even half the way that Rowoon had treated you. I don’t deserve you. Please, I’m sorry.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay? I pour my heart out and that’s your only reply?” Jihoon snapped. He was getting irritated again from the lack of response from Soonyoung. But Soonyoung’s mind was entirely on a different plane. He was still stuck on Jihoon’s last words.  
  
“What do you want me to say? You just told me to stay gone.” Soonyoung whispered. Soonyoung was aching to pinch himself but Jihoon was holding but of his hands.  
  
“I’m sorry. Please, I didn’t mean it, Soonie. You have to believe me. I didn’t mean that. I swear.” Jihoon knew that he should have been careful with his words. He cursed at himself.  
  
“Then what are you saying?” Soonyoung asked and took a deep breath. He focused on Jihoon’s eyes, where there was turmoil but still filled with love. Soonyoung was trying his best to reign in his anxious thoughts and by focusing on Jihoon’s eyes, he was succeeding.  
  
“I’m saying I said those things because I was mad at myself. It wasn’t your fault.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Stop saying okay! Say something!”  
  
“Please stop yelling. Please.” Soonyoung begged. He was feeling anxious again and Jihoon was not helping.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m so drunk.” Jihoon said. He look at Soonyoung and just wanted to pull him closer, but he couldn’t. He had to and needed to respect Rowoon who was not actually a bad guy. Most of all he needed to respect Soonyoung’s choice.  
  
“I actually came here to tell you something but I don’t know anymore.”  
  
“Tell me.” Jihoon insisted.  
  
“I can’t.”  
  
“Because of the things I said?”  
  
Soonyoung nodded. He wasn’t feeling confident and Jihoon’s attitude was not helping with his anxiety.  
  
“I told you already.”  
  
“Jihoon, maybe I shouldn’t?”  
  
“Just f*cking say it!” Jihoon snapped again.  
  
“Okay, why do you keep yelling and cursing?” Soonyoung asked. He shooked Jihoon’s hands that were holding his hands. He then folded his arms.  
  
“Because I’m scared.” Jihoon finally admitted. He took a deep breath and tried to reign in his fears.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because I think I fu— I messed up, earlier. I messed up everything and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating that I wanted to see you so bad and my stupid mouth told you to stay gone. I didn’t mean that. You have to believe me.” Jihoon said.  
  
“Jihoon, I know that I’m a mess and I made a lot of messed up decisions. I’m still a mess, and it scares me. Right now I’m trying my best not to fall into this trap of anxious thoughts. I’m trying to focus on the positive, that’s you’re here in front of me.” Soonyoung hesitantly reached for Jihoon’s hands. He placed one hand on his cheeks the kissed Jihoon’s palms. “Please stop yelling and cursing. It’s not helping my focus. I’m not here to lead you on. I’m actually here to ask you and persuade you to take back what you said in that letter.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I said I’m here to beg you you to not forget me and to make sure you don’t do it again.”  
  
“What? I don’t understand you.” Jihoon asked.  
  
“Ji, you just told me that yoh don’t think you’re the best person for me because of stuff from the past. But I don’t care. I don’t care about romantic getaways and flowers. I’m happy just to stay in a sparsely decorated room as long as you’re with me. I’m happy with weeds as a long as it’s from you. I’m asking you not to let go. I’m asking you to make it up to me by being with me. I’m asking you to make a promise to stay. I’m asking you to please love me again. Please don’t close our book just yet, no don’t ever close it.” Soonyoung begged.  
  
“I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve another chance. I hurt you so much. I don’t—“ Jihoon said through his tears.  
  
“I love you. Please don’t push me away.”  
  
“Soonie, I’m not. Never.”  
  
“Jihoon, I’m a mess. We both made mistakes and we hurt each other so much already, we both don’t deserve one more chance to fix this. But I tried to forget you. I flew 6000 miles away from you. I even hurt a good friend and made him believe my promises. All for the sake of forgetting you, but I can’t and I won’t. You were asking for one more chance before, and I thought about it. Let’s fight, make mistakes, and get hurt. I love you, I’m willing to go all through if it’s with you. If it’s with you, I’m willing to give us a million chances to make mistakes, get hurt, and get healed over and over again, as long as I’m with you.” Soonyoung was now shaking on fear. What if Jihoon rejects him, he asked himself.  
  
“A— are you sure?”  
  
“Yes, I’m more than sure. I love you.” Soonyoung answered but before he could further explained Jihoon pulled him closer and kissed him.  
  
“I love you too.” Jihoon said in between kisses. Soonyoung opened his mouth as Jihoon deepened the kiss. Soonyoung felt so happy that he couldn’t stop himself from smiling.  
  
“I’m trying to kiss you here.” Jihoon said as he tried to kiss Soonyoung, but he eventually broke into a smile. The next thing they knew they broke into laughters and stopped kissing.  
  
“So, I’m just making sure, we are together, right?” Jihoon asked again.  
  
“Yes, this time, no more goodbyes please.” Soonyoung said and leaned in closer giving Jihoon a soft peck on the lips.  
  
“No, more goodbyes. I love you.” Jihoon promised.  
  
“I love you too. Can we go now? I’m freezing.” Soonyoung said.  
  
“Wow, what a way to break the atmosphere. I’m trying to be romantic here.” Jihoon joked.  
  
“I’m freezing and I really need to sleep. Mingyu and the hyungs are waiting downstairs.” Soonyoung explained.  
  
“Where are you staying?”  
  
“Probably with Mingyu—“  
  
“No, you’re not. Come on, I have plans with you on my bed.” Jihoon teased and pulled Soonyoung up.  
  
“I’m tired!”  
  
“So, we’re just going to sleep?” Jihoon teased. He laughed when Soonyoung blushed and tried to change the topic. Their friends drove them home and despite the exhaustion, still found a way to show just how much the love each other.  
  
They were about to fall asleep when Jihoon cuddled closer to Soonyoung. He brushed his lips on Soonyoung ears and asked a question which made Soonyoung smile.  
  
“Yes.” Soonyoung answered.

-END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: Thank you so much for reading! Hope everyone enjoyed it. 
> 
> A special chapter to follow after I finished my other AU. But if you want it sooner please hit me up through twitter or curiouscat. Since it's already done, I'll try to find time to update.
> 
> For rants and questions feel free to drop by my twitter @soonhaee or drop questions at 
> 
> http://curiouscat.qa/soonhaee
> 
> Rants, comments and suggestions are welcome. Stay positive everyone!


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